Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing:Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author'sNote1:In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author'sNote2:I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has supported me this last year as I have struggled at times to write this fanfic. One more chapter after this.
Author'sNote3: Sorry lack of internet and life has stopped me from posting this
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Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
Noonecarestotalkaboutit,canwetalkaboutit? – Emergency by Paramore
Arizona's POV
Running. Arizona and Callie had always been good at running. When things were good they would run head first colliding into whatever obstacles were in their way. They skipped steps, and jumped hurdles. But they were just as good at running when things got bad. Both of them knew how to avoid with a simple band aid, usually smiles, alcohol or sex, or they would just run completely in the opposite direction, leaving the other to stand in dust, rubble and carnage that was their tattered relationship.
The fight and break up about kids had followed a period in which both women tried their hardest to use all the techniques before they went their separate ways. Both Callie and Arizona fought their hardest to get the other back. Then less than a year later Callie had smiled her way through the idea of the move, while Arizona avoided the knowledge that her love hated the concept. The brunette finally revealed her emotions, and Arizona had walked in the opposite direction. For the forty odd days they were separated by sea and land, Callie tried to get in touch with the blonde, who had ignored her, avoiding her. The Latina had slept with Mark simply trying and run from her love and misery, when this hadn't worked she had attempted to take her own life. On her return Arizona had fled the brunette's life out of fear, shame and guilt. They had always been good at running, and now they had to stop. Or at least learn how to run, hand in hand.
As Arizona's last sentence hung on the air, both women just looked at each other. The blonde pleaded with her eyes for Callie to say something, while the brunette looked like a rabbit in headlights. Arizona could see the emotion and thoughts flicker across the other woman's face, and wished she could stop the pain, wished she could just ignore everything that had happened, but that was what had gotten them where they were now. Even Callie had said that the night before. Communication was and always had been their greatest weakness. "I'm so sorry" the brunette breathed so low, so quietly that had she not been so close she wouldn't have heard it. Arizona already knew how sorry Callie was, but it wasn't just about being sorry to Arizona or Mark. It was meant to be to herself too. "I know what I did was...stupid" Callie continued, and just for a moment Arizona allowed herself to feel the angry she had been holding onto for almost a month.
"Stupid. That's what you're calling it. Stupid?" Arizona said exhaling deeply, pulling herself away from their embrace. The terrified look on Callie's face only deepened, as she managed to stutter, "I didn't…I didn't mean it like that. I just… I said I was sorry!" she had to fight the urge to stand, to walk away at that moment. Did Callie really not get it? No, she did, the look on the brunette's face told all she needed to know. Callie did understand, she was just as terrified as Arizona at the outcome of this conversation. Curling herself up slightly, her fingers weaving their way tightly into her hair, Arizona couldn't help but stare in disbelieve at the other woman.
"I know you're sorry but you really don't get it, do you? Do you know what the worst part of that night was?" Arizona tried to curve her mix of angry and desperation. She watched as lone tear fell in slow motion down the tanned cheek. Arizona wished she could just wipe it away, forget; just pretend these last few months hadn't happened. Just go back to their apartment and be happy, no more questions asked. But they had happened. Callie shook her head slightly indicating she didn't know. It was something she hadn't told anyone, the thing which had caused her to be unable to sleep properly for the last three weeks.
"I mean don't get me wrong, finding you was …" Arizona heard her angry tone crack, her eyes slipping close. No word or expression was good enough to explain the pain, panic and how agonising those minutes in that bathroom were. Or even the hours waiting for the brunette to wake. With her eyes closed unable to look directly at the Latina she could feel the other woman positioning herself closer to the blonde, to offer comfort if it was needed. "When the paramedics came… when they gave to get you. You told me to leave you alone. Just to… leave you to…die" Arizona whispered, and gone were any pretences of willpower as the tears leapt from her tightly closed eyes. She felt Callie's arms fold themselves around her, and for that moment she allowed herself the comfort they offered, but only a moment.
"I didn't…I don't remember that", Callie whispered from beside Arizona's ear. Hot tears fell from the Latina's tears, dying on Arizona's shoulder. She could feel them as they soaked their way through the small patch of top exposed by her jacket. The rational part of her knew it was unfair to feel the surge of annoyance, anger and pain at those words. Callie had lost a considerable amount of blood and was on the verge of unconsciousness, so couldn't remember, the doctor in her new the reason, not the excuse. However it had been one of main factors in Arizona's nightmares since that night, the thing which had kept her awake as she lay on the cold, hard couch having given up the fight to sleep in the over large bed, without the warmth from the woman she loved. And Callie couldn't remember it.
Standing in what felt like slow motion, she felt Callie's hands slide down her side, as if trying to hold on that little longer. Literally stepping out of the Latina's embrace, the blonde stepped over the brunette's form, sitting on the cold wooden bench behind them. Wrapping the jacket she was wearing around her a little tighter, momentarily regretting removing herself from her and Callie's cocoon of heat. Looking out at the horizon all she could see was a slight mist dancing amongst the familiar skyline. Callie scrambled around on to her front before literally crawling the small space between them, her hands coming to rest on the blonde's knees.
"I'm sorry, okay! I don't know what else to say. Nothing I CAN say will make it better", the brunette said with a grip to her knees. Lowering her eyes to the chocolate ones looking up at her, she felt the knot form in her stomach. "Anything Calliope. Say anything, everything, I don't care, just say something!" Arizona pleaded back at her, and she saw the dark eyes shine with emotions. The blonde wasn't trying to be cruel, she wasn't. Callie needed to open up to her. She wasn't asking for every last detail, just something. Something she could hold on to, could try and figure out and understand. The woman kneeling on the floor raised herself slightly higher, but still on her hunches. Arizona tried to throw her a reassuring smile, though by the look on the brunette's face she was unsure if she had succeeded.
She watched as the brunette's mouth opened slightly, but no sound came out. Though the eyes, it was always the dark eyes that spoke mass verses of speech, while the mouth remained mute. Callie's bottom lip shook slightly, and before it even happened Arizona prepared herself for impact. The brunette's head lowered itself on to the PEDs surgeon's lap, and Callie sobbed. Dark hair sprawled itself out in all directions, as the woman's arms clung tightly around Arizona's legs. The air seemed to disappear instantly from Arizona's lungs, and it felt as if the ground had vanished from beneath her, causing her to feel as if she'd missed a step going downstairs.
Placing her hands on Callie's shoulders, Arizona attempted to pull her woman's top half upwards, but the brunette just clung harder as the tears fell faster. Shuffling forward, she managed to dislodge herself from the bench, though this meant she could only go one way. Down. Now half sitting on Callie, she felt the brunette's arm wrap around her neck, pulling her impossibly close, and she could feel and hear Callie's sharp breathes against her ear. There was something different in this cry. It wasn't angry like it had been in the on call room or sympathetic like the hospital room, or god even desperate like ones that had fallen minutes before. It was charged and it was broken. Clearly tears she had banned herself from crying. Snaking her finger amongst Callie's shortened hair; Arizona pushed the dark head even further into the crook of her own neck, holding on just as tightly. "I've got you", the blonde whispered, feeling her small frame being gripped tighter. It was clear Callie wasn't in a state to form words yet, so she'd hold on just a little longer.
"When I was in that OR how did you feel?" Arizona asked the mass of dark hair resting on her right shoulder, once the tear's hold had weakened. She felt rather than heard the confused, non-committable noise from beneath the dark mane. "When I was operating on Samantha, how did you feel?" the blonde reworded slightly, trying to remain as calm possible. Despite the fact Arizona was still half sitting on the brunette, Callie only turned her head slightly, which allowing her face to be seen by the blonde. "Terrified" was the breathed response. Swallowing passed the approaching lump trying to form in her throat, Arizona continued, "What did you do just after Robert was caught?"
Looking down completely, she felt Callie's fingers gently playing her silver heart hanging from her neck, the necklace she had refused stubbornly to remove during her time in Africa. The brunette wasn't looking at her, and it seemed deliberate; however it didn't stop her from answering, "I needed to know if you were okay". Arizona allowed herself to slip off Callie's knee, which had presented itself to her as she slide off the bench, pushing the brunette's top half backwards. The brunette's head still rested on her shoulder, while the cold wooden seat allowed her something to rest on. It amazed the blonde that it was already getting darker. How long had they been sitting out here, surely not that long?
"How did you do that?" Arizona asked softly, feeling Callie move away slightly to look up at her with confusion. The tears still lingered on the tanned skin, the blonde could see them reflecting slightly. "I held you", the brunette said with even more clear confusion lingering on her words. "Why?" Arizona breathed, as Callie now moved off her completely. "I needed to know you okay. I needed to know. Know you were ali…" the blonde watched as dawning crept over the Latina's features. "Arizona" Callie said softly, understanding it seemed what the blonde had been getting at.
"I held you in that bathroom Callie. I dressed you best I could, so they wouldn't see you. I held you as your life was draining away", the blonde said, very aware of the approaching emotion. Trying to ensure these emotions didn't hinder her ability to speak, Arizona continued, "I wasn't allowed to help. I had to sit on a chair in our waiting room, with Mark". She felt the familiar grip on her heart as if something was trying to stop it beating. "You needed to know that I was alive, that I was okay. That I was going to be okay, right?" Arizona said her voice rose slightly with so many emotions, but she could name only a few. "Yeah" was the brunette's response. Looking up she saw the dark haired woman's head was tilted slightly to the side, trying to catch her eye.
"I needed that. I needed to know you'd be okay and you just…screamed at me to get out, and threw my attempts back in my face", Arizona explained best she could. She had wanted, no, needed that reassurance, and that was why she had never fought Stark on his demands she go to Callie's floor for consultations the week she'd remained in the hospital. There was a look. A saddened, almost broken look in Callie's eyes and Arizona knew the counter argument before it even broke free of the brunette's lips. "You said you would come back, that you loved me and would tell me everyday, but you just walked away. Three weeks and I didn't hear anything from you. Nothing. I was alone all over again. Why? Why didn't you want to see me?" Callie asked, her voice so soft but thick with emotion, Arizona was surprised it even reached her ears. Arizona felt her chest tighten, and her tear ducts seemed to tingle, threatening to bring on the tears yet again. It was now or never.
With a second that spanned an eternity, the blonde took a deep but shaky breath and spoke just as softly, "I wasn't good enough, I didn't do my job well enough". With her brow knitted Callie shot her a confused look, before she could continue Arizona rolled her eyes closed, with a slight chew to her bottom lip, trying to keep the tears at bay. Slowly opening her eyes, Arizona saw Callie was still looking at her with the same expectant look on face, mixed with genuine concern. "As your girlfriend I didn't do my job right", the blonde managed to get out, though it was evident even to her own ears that her emotions were getting the better of her. She didn't want the look of comprehension which had been created on the woman's face in front of her. She didn't want that understanding, or pity. She didn't want it, and wouldn't accept it.
"You were meant to be happy and you weren't. I was meant to make you happy. That's what I was meant to do, and all I did was hurt you", the blonde said, as if pleading with the other woman to agree with her. The look on Callie's face changed considerable with the next words out of Arizona's mouth, "You were meant to stay alive, want to be alive! You were meant to be happy and alive here. You were meant to know that. Why didn't you know you were meant to be alive Callie?" The Latina's mouth hung open slightly, clearly shocked by Arizona words. Shaking her head, starting slow and deliberate and building to a crescendo, Callie said, "Arizona, no".
"What do you mean "no"? Why didn't you know? I already know why Callie, because of me! You just gave up, because of me. You do not just give up. Why didn't you love me enough to want to stay alive? I love you so much Callie, so damn much. I didn't work hard enough to tell you that. I needed you here. I need you here; please don't ever do that to me again. Please tell me you won't! I'm terrified, okay?" Arizona all but sobbed. Callie moved with what seemed lightening reflexes, engulfing the small woman in her arms. "I won't…I won't", Callie repeated the mantle in the blonde's hair, as she held her so tightly, any other time Arizona would have been worried about her ability to breathe. The Latina was holding her together, as her tears fell.
"Don't you dare blame yourself, you got that!" Callie said her voice determined and demanding. "Don't you dare think it was your fault. None of it was your fault! I did it, not you", the Latina continued, gripping onto the smaller woman. It was her fault. It was all her fault! Arizona already knew that. "You said it yourself!" Arizona almost hissed through her emotions. Callie grip loosened, only for hands to come and rest on her forearms, keeping her at an arm's length. "What? I never said that, Arizona", the brunette said sounding genuinely upset and horrified by the suggestion. "Yes you did. You said you thought I wouldn't care. Why? How could you think I wouldn't care? Of course I care; you mean more to me than anything on the planet!" Arizona reasoned, and saw Callie look shocked as she saw the memory of saying it hit the brunette square in the chest.
"I didn't mean…Arizona I was seriously fucked up. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Don't get me wrong I know people feel depressed, god even consider, even if it's for a moment… suicide", Arizona heard the pause and felt the hesitation. It was the first time Callie had acknowledged the event for what it was a suicide attempt. "I don't blame you for that. Please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry, I know I've said it god knows how many times, but I am. And I'm so sorry you think it's your fault. I did it Arizona, not you", the Latina finished, her eyes pleading with Arizona to believe what she was saying. The familiar tug of guilt still tugged at her heart. She could still feel it crushing her, and knew Callie could sense she wasn't believed.
"Arizona, please! I love you; I love you so much, okay. I don't blame you. I did that to myself, and I am so sorry. I'm sorry I even considered it. I'm sorry you think it's your fault. I didn't plan it. God I don't even know why I did it. It just took me over, and then it was done. I don't even remember it happening", the brunette just spoke, her hands now loosely holding the blonde in place. Not that it was needed, she wasn't moving.
"I thought…I thought you'd think I wasn't worth it. I stayed away because I knew it was my fault, and please don't say it wasn't. For now I believe it, okay. I'll stop, I'm sure, but for now I do okay. I saved you, but I was terrified you realise I wasn't worth it", the self pitying tone in her own voice, made the blonde want to be sick.
Callie went to speak, and the irony wasn't lost on the blonde, she had wanted the brunette to talk, and here she was about to interrupt again. "I left. I know I left, and I know that I left you in that airport with nothing. I know that, and I am truly sorry", Arizona whispered and despite knowing it was true, it still hurt slightly that this Callie wasn't denying. Just perhaps, Callie was telling the truth, she didn't blame the blonde for her suicide attempt. "I nearly stayed until the day we'd planned to come back for Christmas. My plan was get things set up before I left, but I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't wait any longer to see you", the PEDs surgeon said with ease, though the meaning behind the words hurt more than any she'd said so far. The woman before her raised an eyebrow; her face no longer set in quick relieve as the sun was slowly disappearing behind the needle. It seemed she hadn't understood the gesture behind her words.
"Callie, we were due back on Christmas Eve. I found you on two days before I was meant to come back. What if I'd stayed just those two days longer? Or god what if I had been on a delayed plane? Callie you could have actually died", the blonde said feeling the ton of bricks that were, the very realistic realisation of how close the woman who now was gliding her hands up and down the blonde's arms, had come to dying. If her plane had been hit by turbulence or she'd stayed a day or two, she couldn't have found Callie in time. A shiver ran the length of Arizona's spine. "I wanted to surprise you. I didn't want to talk to you over the phone. I wanted to do it face to face. That's why I didn't ring back that night. If I had…" the blonde said but was cut off by the lone, slender finger placed on her lips. "You did find me, though Arizona. Stop with the "what ifs", or you'll drive yourself insane. You saved me", Callie said with such deliberate softness it made her heart simply melt on the spot.
"You are NOT to blame, and I will not stop telling you that! You were always worth coming back for Arizona. I love you. I love us! I want us back. I need us back. Us but…better", Callie reasoned with a slight head tilt and gentle smile. Arizona couldn't return it; she couldn't even maintain eye contact. "Hey. Look at me", the Latina said, her voice just hinting at a demand. "I love you", Callie breathed, causing the blonde's heart to contract almost painfully. "Me too" was all she could say. The tears had all but fallen; leaving in their wake what she knew would be a serious headache. When Arizona's eyes finally rose to meet those she could feel burning into her, she couldn't help the small smile that tugged on her lips. "I love you, okay?" Callie repeated with her signature smile. Arizona gave a small nod, followed by a smile. A smile she meant with every fibre of her being.
Callie gently brushed away the hair from the blonde's face, which had stuck itself to her drying tears. The brunette's eyes seemed to rake over every inch of the blonde's face before her hand came to rest in Arizona's. The PEDs surgeon shot her a confused look when she realised Callie was trying to stand. "Come and lie down with me", the brunette urged. Thoughts were not needed as she was half pulled to her feet, and lead the maybe, three steps back to Callie's old blanket. With so much grace it was almost annoying, Callie lay down on what been Arizona's side of the blanket. Looking up, Callie gestured vaguely to her own shoulder, to which Arizona dropped herself down onto her knees before shuffling into place.
Arizona's head was resting on Callie's shoulder, while her arm was locked around the brunette's middle, ensuring she was going nowhere. It was pretty much dark now, maybe a hint of purple still stained the sky. Glancing just for a moment at her watch she read that it was ten to five. She hated winter for stealing so much of her days. The blonde could feel Callie's chest rise and fall with each breath just enjoying the motion. She had fought and saved her life, it was because of her, Callie was breathing. Callie didn't blame her, and while she knew it would take awhile for that guilt and blame to go, she knew she could try and make it up to the Latina every chance she got.
"It will happen", the blonde said breaking their silence, which only continued after her words. Eventually Callie let out a small hum, though Arizona didn't really understand what it meant. "Us. We'll get there, we have to. I'm not letting you go, so we have to. Not ever. You're stuck with me", Arizona said with a small and slightly nervous laugh. A gentle kiss was placed on her head, followed by words spoken directly into her hair, "Good. I wouldn't have it any other way". Arizona smiled, but couldn't help the feeling. The feeling of waiting for the other foot to drop. Though the fighting, the screaming they'd done, it meant they still cared right?
"We'll get there in the end, I promise. And I know you don't blame me, but I want to make it up to you. I meant what I said, if its what you need to hear, I will tell you, I love you every day for the rest of our lives", the blonde said speaking directly to Callie's throat, which was inches away from her own lips. Silence seemed to hang over them, pushing down, almost crushingly so. Shuffling across and up, Arizona raised herself upwards to see the look on Callie's face, and couldn't help but laugh. "Breathe will you. I'm not proposing or anything. We are most certainly not there, yet" the PEDs surgeon said softly, though was slightly disheartened by the look of relief on the brunette's face.
Clearly seeing Arizona's frame of mind and emotion reflect on the face, Callie went on to explain, "Just good to know that maybe one day, I could ask you". The ortho surgeon grinned that beautiful smile, that had Arizona been standing, her legs would have given way and she'd be a heap on the floor. It incredible to know that Callie still felt that them getting married was okay, that it was still on the cards for them, one day. "No", Arizona said with a tone which carried a lot more authority than she'd thought it would. The breath taking smile disappeared just as easy as it had come, causing the familiar tug on the blonde's heart.
Taking Callie's nearest hand the blonde said, "Don't do that. Don't make assumptions. I want to, and I hope one day we will". Callie's mouth curved slightly, finally making up Arizona's mind. "About a month before I got my acceptance letter from The Carter Madison, I phoned your dad", the blonde said, watching as Callie had flinched ever so slightly at the mention of the grant and then her eyes close slightly in polite confusion at the mention of Mr Torres. "I wanted, and got your dad's permission", she said with a smile, one that grew at the surprised but delighted look on her love's face. "You asked my dad…that's almost traditional", Callie said with a slight chuckle, though the surprise was still evident on her face. "Yeah" was the small reply.
The Latina's lips were on hers before she had time to breath. The kiss was slow, almost teasing, but still had that kick. Smiling into the blonde's lips, Callie said, "I can't believe you asked my dad". Arizona couldn't help but smile back, before saying, "It was scary and extremely intimidating". Callie chuckled, before placing few more gently kisses on the blonde's lips. "My big brave girl", the brunette soothed. Despite the slight joke in her voice, Arizona couldn't help but smile at the words. Arizona was hers, and always would be. "So no, I have a ring, when we're there, when we're ready, I'm doing the asking, got it?" Arizona said with a faux command to her voice. The brunette just grinned and nodded, before pulling the blonde down on the orange blanket beneath them once more.
"Do I get to see the ring?" Callie asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as it seemed as she could be. Arizona couldn't help the chuckle, as she simply replied "no". The Latina let out a low and clearly fake sigh as she said, "Guess that means I've got to stick around then, if I want to see it". Turning her head upwards, so she could look at the tanned woman's face, she merely said "Yes". She saw the smile fall away, replaced by a serious, but no less loving look, and Callie whispered, "I'll be waiting". After a few moments of them staring at each other, the younger woman turned head so she was looking into the now completely dark sky, while Arizona just watched her.
"I'm taking you out for dinner", the ortho surgeon, stated clearly. "You are?" Arizona asked sceptically. The dark haired woman nodded to no one in particular, before saying, "We have a Christmas and a birthday to celebrate, so I am taking you out tonight". Arizona loved how confident the Latina could be, she'd missed it. Sure she'd missed everything about the woman whose arms she was now laid in, but since she'd been back she'd missed seeing this side. The side who was demanding, bad ass and insanely hot while doing both. "Okay", Arizona replied and received a grin in return. It was clear she had no choice in the matter, and she didn't care.
Callie was just staring upwards, an arm planting Arizona to her side as if ensuring she stayed in place. As if she'd ever want to move away. "What do we do about your apartment?" Callie said softly. "Are we moving in together? Are just girlfriends? What?" Taking a deep and satisfying breath, Arizona replied with ease, "It's our apartment. What that means yet I don't know, but you live there too now. The rest we can deal with later". She saw Callie nod, as the chocolate eyes traced the night time sky. Turning on to her back, she felt Callie's hand come to rest on her stomach, and couldn't help but smile at their old position. She'd missed this. She'd missed them. Arizona knew it would take a lot more than a few hours of talking, screaming and crying to get them back to normal, but it was a start. A very good start.
Seeing the few stars which had made their presence known in the vast dark sky, Arizona couldn't help but think back to yesterday. Had Arizona been looking up at these stars then, she'd have wished for what she had today…Callie. What did she want now? She wanted them, she wanted them to work. She wanted Callie, forever. She wanted Callie, to be her forever. Arizona could feel Callie's dark eyes burning into her, and she couldn't help but smile and think of Timothy. Turning her head slightly, the blonde whispered, "What would you wish for, Calliope?"