Voodoo Child
Chapter 15 – King of the Mountain
By Genoscythe
AN: No, Mura Runetotem wasn't actually a spy, and that quest didn't go any farther than giving her the turtle shell. I take creative liberties, like that zeppelin smoldering in the courtyard of the Scarlet Monastery or the Warhammer 40K Orks running that top-secret hidden jail behind Orgrimmar.
Marek Belheim, despite being put on Double Secret Banishment or some rot like that, was having a ball. He and a contingent of Stormwind Marines were being flown to Kalimdor on a new type of gyrocopter, ostensibly to aid the Night Elves holed up in Ashenvale but really as a more cost-effective way of executing them. According to Sir Gadwyn, it would actually be cheaper to fly Marek and the doomed marines halfway across the world to be slain by Horde soldiers than to be publicly executed in Stormwind. For starters, a public execution would draw a crowd that the Stormwind janitorial staff just isn't prepared for (since nobody lives in Stormwind except shopkeepers and nobody visits Stormwind except in the event of an apocalyptic-scale earthquake beneath Ironforge or the aforementioned public execution).
Also, Gadwyn was of the opinion that Marek and his boys could take out a few Horde soldiers in the process of dying, and that would essentially pay for the gyrocopter fuel used to take them to the gallows in the first place.
Marek was oblivious to all of this. All he knew, or cared to know, was that he was being shipped off to Ashenvale, the frontlines of the war. Finally, his escaping skills would come to some use.
"You know we're just being sent to die, right?" One of the marines quipped, staring intently at the beaming paladin shoved into the gyrocopter next to him.
"Maybe you are," Marek returned. "But that's just because you don't pray enough."
The marine felt beneath his breastplate, and pulled out a priest's collar.
"Oh."
"My problem, Marek Belheim, is that I prayed too much."
"How does that work?" Marek was trying intently not to stare at the man's eyes, so blue that he almost appeared blind. He had a gentle air about him, unbefitting of a marine and unbefitting of a human in Marek's mind.
"Have you ever freed a prisoner of war?"
Marek burst into laughter. "That's like asking if I've ever given food to a poor person. It just don't happen."
"So, you've never saved a life before?"
"Never. But isn't that a rhetorical question?" The marine glared at him, more intensely than ever. "You kinda paused, like you were waiting for me to answer. In fact, you still are. What gives?"
"My name is Cygnus…Vismund Cygnus. You and I will talk again before the Horde decide our fate for us."
"Now…explain all dat again," Xan prompted, shaking his head in terrified wonder. In other words, he felt exactly the same as he always did, except that he was now swinging his head back and forth.
"Why? We just went over the plan about five seconds ago."
"An' I still don' believe you."
"You don't believe that Melchiah and I are diving into a hole full of loopy druids and primordial ooze to kill a bunch of even loopier druids and wake up a Night Elf that's stuck in a dream world and polluting the Barrens with crazy dream magic that's turning all the wildlife into unnatural and amusing colors?"
"No, I got all dat."
"You don't believe the part when you and Argam split up and go to Stonetalon to see if Sunrock Retreat needs any reinforcements?"
"Yeah, dat's it. Why we splittin' up?"
"Because you're both lose – " Zuridan began.
"Because it's too dangerous in the Wailing Caverns," Melchiah cut in. "Technically, both Zuridan and I are far stronger than you two. We've both completed the Horde training regimen (in one way or another), and that involves going to Stonetalon."
Argam grunted, signaling that he had something to say but his brain was suffering terribly, in a valiant attempt to deliver the message in a timely fashion. Two minutes later, Argam pointed out, "When did you go to Stonetalon? I thought you were living in that house ever since you got dead."
"I was a goddamn colonel. I have more experience than any of you."
"So why don't you have to go to Stonetalon?" Argam prodded.
"Because you're both losers," Zuridan stated again.
"Because legally, I don't exist. I'm not a soldier of the New Horde, so I don't have to jump through all the burning hoops that you have to."
Argam now turned to Xan. "They're gonna make us jump through burning hoops?"
"No mon, it's just…"
"'Cause I'm flammable, you know."
Everyone took a moment to digest this. "You're flammable," Melchiah confirmed. Argam nodded vigorously, smacking a passing zombie bird with his horn. "You're easily ignited and capable of burning rapidly." Another nod. "You know this for a fact without having burned to death."
"My Uncle put it out," Argam explained. "He's a shaman."
Zuridan and Xan'Jin expected their new ally to throw down his weapons right where he stood and run away. This was Argam at his scariest, and if this wasn't enough to frighten off Melchiah, then nothing was. Instead of running away or showing fear in the slightest, he said, "That makes more sense than anything else you've said today."
Argam clapped with glee.
When their zeppelin crash-landed into the remains of the remains of Tiragarde Keep (now abandoned three times, including the mass weasel migration), Xan found that he was more happy to feel solid ground than he was to see the sun again. It had been far longer since he'd seen pure sunlight, but sunlight he could live without. If he ever had to fly on a zeppelin again, he would first try to grow wings.
All boring details aside, the group parted ways at the Crossroads. Argam trudged northwest, with Xan slung across his back; Melchiah and Zuridan valiantly charged southwest with weapons drawn, as if they expected the entire cabal of deranged Fang druids to pop up out of the ground at any moment. Xan noticed an angry green fireball dancing after them, but he decided not to mention it. If they were gonna hog all the glory and treasure and junk, then they deserved a little visit from Zorqua.
On the opposite end of the Barrens, where barren wasteland abruptly met green grass and pine trees, Xan and Argam were assaulted by a coal-black tauren who was nothing if not frantic. "Please stop! The Grimtotem clan raided my village!"
Xan pretended he was deaf. Argam wasn't paying attention. In this fashion, they nearly ran over the agitated tauren, who flung curses at them with natural talent.
"Wait! I can reward you!" He called, and Xan continued ignoring him. A reward wasn't any good if he didn't know what the job was. Argam and Xan were nearly out of earshot when the tauren spoke the magic words. "My daughter has been kidnapped!"
Argam stopped so quickly he pitched forward and began a tumble that would be considered an impressive feat under better circumstances. Supplies, weaponry, and Xan were all flung into the air and brought abruptly back under the iron will of gravity.
Argam snapped to his feet, drawing his fishblade and leaning on it in what he thought was a heroic stance. "Might I ask for your earth name, sir?" He queried, and had Xan not already been laid sprawling in the dust, he would have been floored by Argam's change in demeanor. This wasn't even as strange as his more intelligent mood swings, because those were at least predictable.
"It is Flathoof," the tauren replied, drawing up to Xan's partner. "You look horrifyingly familiar."
"I would very much like to know what has become of Kaya," Argam spoke, with a steely voice that made Xan's left eyeball twitch.
"There isn't much I haven't said," Mr. Flathoof affirmed. "She was kidnapped in the Grimtotem raid. How do you know my daughter?"
"Tell me where they've taken her."
"Due west, beyond my poor village. I want my daughter back, and I want vengeance for my – oh my god." Xan didn't like the look on Mr. Flathoof's face. It was the look of someone who had just found a very good reason to kill them. "You're the young Stonehoof!"
"Xan, grab our stuff," Argam whispered, a wasted gesture since the black tauren was closer to him than Xan was.
"Oh no. Not this time!"
Xan already had three of their bags in his possession by the time Mr. Flathoof drew his axe. Argam was running, Flathoof close behind, with Xan trying desperately to catch up. Fortunately, the stocky black tauren didn't seem to notice that Xan still existed (or ever had), and just as fortunately, Xan was by now an expert runner. He caught up to Argam in five strides, swung himself onto the getaway vehicle's back, and rode off into the proverbial sunset. Argam, who had also developed a knack for running away, easily outpaced Flathoof and they were home free within minutes.
"What was all dat?" Xan asked when they were safely perched on the edge of a winding stone road. "You nail his kid or someting?"
"Almost," Argam huffed. "I was arranged to marry Kaya Flathoof since birth. We were deeply in love, until the elders of Thunder Bluff labeled me clinically insane and suspended all my contact with other tauren. Makaba took it particularly hard, like it was an insult to his family. Even though it obviously wasn't my fault, he couldn't blame the elders, so he decided to take it out on me, first by moving Kaya to Stonetalon."
"You been drinkin', mon?"
"Yes, Xan. I'm drunk. Drunk on love!" Argam, in full knight-in-shining-armor mode, then decided it would be a cool idea to leap heroically from their ledge, which was overlooking a knot of burnt-out hovels, and land amidst a gang of tough-looking tauren blacker than Makaba Flathoof. "Do you mind if I borrow you for a moment?" Argam asked Xan. "I assume you won't be doing any fighting otherwise."
"Borrow me how?" Xan couldn't even get the words out of his mouth before Argam grabbed him by the ankles and swung him into the nearest Grimtotem brute. With his other hand, Argam began cutting through another tauren with his fishblade. More vicious tauren began pouring out of the ruined houses and engaging Argam, but they couldn't even get close without being slashed to ribbons or whacked with a big blue sack of organs and bones.
Beating his way through the swarm of Grimtotem, Argam eventually found their source. Grimtotem Post sat nestled between two thick rocks, surrounded by jet-black tauren and a wanted poster superstar known as Grundig Darkcloud. Argam recognized him instantly, and shrank back behind one of the rocks to devise a plan. Even fueled by knight-in-shining-armor powers as he was, it would take more than Argam and his new bludgeon to beat all those Grimtotem and Grundig Darkcloud.
Xan was fighting off a mild concussion, but if he were more competent he would have told Argam to forget it and make a tactical withdrawal just like the good old days. Instead, Argam began charging up the side of the rock. Once at the zenith, he immediately ran to the other side and leapt off. Xan, who had largely regained consciousness by now, took this to mean that Argam had run out of knight-in-shining-armor juice, and was back to being stupid again.
Such was not the case. Argam managed to sail all the way onto the roof of Grimtotem Post, which tore under the weight of the exceptionally large tauren. Upon impact, Xan had been flung clear of his partner and hit the floor of the hut with a wet thud. He was pretty sure some of his organs were loose.
Argam landed on a straw bed, remarkably enough, directly on top of a young female tauren. Xan could not see much more than this, for he had been skidding across the floor and now came into contact with the fireplace.
When Xan crawled out of his hole, he found Argam pulling the woman to her feet. He didn't seem embarrassed, or nervous, or any mark of the inexperienced adventurer come upon his first DiD. Either Argam was more experienced than he let on, or this knight-in-shining-armor variant scrambled his brain more than usual.
"Oh, my…" Kaya Flathoof whispered, her fur visibly ruffled. This was obviously her first time as a DiD. "I think we've met."
"I should like to think that we've more than met, Kaya," Argam crooned, in a tone that Xan didn't know Argam's vocal chords could achieve.
"I've missed you, Argam." One word, and Kaya knew who he was. This gal was sharper than her dad. "This is incredible! You must have come to save me!"
"I could do nothing less, my dear."
Xan thought this was a bad conversation to interrupt, but he knew the starry-eyed tauren would agree that his news was both entirely relevant and necessary. "Turn 'round, mon." Argam turned around. Grundig Darkcloud tapped his foot impatiently.
"Are you done hosing each other down with cheese?" The imposing Grimtotem leader spoke. "Because I have time. I can wait as long as you want."
"What do you want with Kaya?" Argam roared, before Xan had the chance to ask him to wait longer.
Grundig laughed in response. "I want her to build me a shredder. What do you think?"
"I don't understand," Argam's words began to slow, and Xan was afraid he was losing it. "If you wanted her to build you a shredder, then isn't it obvious what I think?"
This didn't go over well with Grundig, but all the other Grimtotem thought it was a hoot. Grundig cleaved five chuckling heads off before continuing. "She was the only woman worth taking from that pathetic village."
"Sure!" Kaya cut in. "You mean I'm the only woman that didn't get away!" Grundig didn't take this too well either.
Xan was trying to silently urge them to be quiet, but Argam and Kaya were now the stars of their own drama. They were beyond his influence. Xan wanted to crawl back into the fireplace and hide for awhile.
"I've got the two of you right where I want you," Grundig assured, trying to compose himself with some counter-banter. "You're powerless against me and my warriors!"
Xan suddenly realized that nobody was noticing him. They were all too caught up in the heat of the moment to pay attention to some wormy little troll sprawled on the floor. An idea sprang into his head, one that would either turn out to be really fun, or it would get him killed. Such is the way of life.
"We finish this, Darkcloud! Here and now!" Argam bellowed.
"I'm ready when you are, runt!" Grundig shot back.
"You can do it, Argam! I believe in you!" Kaya encouraged.
"I hope your woman isn't so loud in bed!" Grundig taunted.
"Leave Kaya out of this!" Argam shouted.
"Enough talk! Let's fight!" Grundig lunged forward, drawing a twin pair of swords. However, as soon as he went into motion, he pitched over and crashed to the floor. Out of the back of his neck, a dagger hilt waggled tauntingly.Suddenly, there was a troll standing where Grundig Darkcloud once was, and this troll was now the most fearsome creature this side of the mountain. The Grimtotem all scattered, partially because their leader had just gotten a pat on the back by a knife, but mostly because a ghost had materialized before their eyes.
Argam stumbled over to Xan, acting as if an ogre wearing steel-toed boots had just fallen from the stratosphere onto his testicles.
"That completely ruined my moment," Argam remarked, watching in dull amazement as Xan pulled his knife out of Grundig's back. "We were having banter. I was about to duel over a woman!"
"An' all dem Grimtotems was 'bout to be cookin' shaman stew."
By now, Kaya had emerged from the hut. Xan was struck, once again, by the similarities between Horde women and human women. Kaya certainly looked more like a human in a cow costume than a tauren. Maybe…
"Can you take me to Sunrock Retreat?" Kaya asked Argam stiffly. Apparenly shehad beenhaving fun with the intensity of theconfrontation as well, and she was irked that Xancut thescene short."I want to see my aunt Tammra again."
"What of your father?" Argam queried in response. "Surely he's worried about you."
Kaya wrinkled her nose. "He can worry, then. He was a coward; he ran like all the others."
"Xan?" Argam called. Gruffly, Xan turned his attentions to the big lug. "Report to Makaba Flathoof for me, would you? Tell him Kaya's okay, and you can get your reward for killing Grundig."
"But won' he recognize me?"
Argam chewed on this for a moment. Then, "I don't think he was paying attention to you."
Xan gave up. "Why should he?"
End
AN: There was a little treat for fans of the Mars Volta in the beginning of this chapter. If you caught it, then cool. If not, then I suggest you educate yourselves in the ways of TMV.