Chapter 3: A Deading and a Funeral
The chapter title is similar to Four Weddings and a Funeral. Anyways, Kevin fixed himself a big-ass ice cream sundae at 11am in the morning. Talk about a risk of diabetes, which does worse to your health than a heaping plate of bacon and eggs. Kevin put the sundae on the coffee table in the living room, and inserted an unrated version of Angels with Filthy Souls into the blu-ray player. It's funny how Peter and Kate never chose to set up those stupid parental controls on the player to prevent underage kids from watching R-rated films and shit. So Kevin sat down with the sundae and big napkin on his lap, and pressed play on the blu-ray player controller. Kevin started watching the blu-ray movie, and noticed Snakes knocking on Johnny's door.
"Who is it?" asked Johnny.
Snakes came inside of Johnny's office.
"It's me, Snakes. I got the shit," said Snakes.
"Leave it on the doorstep and get the fuck outta here," demanded Johnny.
"But what about my goddamn money?" protested Snakes.
"What goddamn money?" said Johnny.
"A.C. said you had some dough for me," said Snakes
"Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?" asked Johnny
"A.C. said 10%," said Snakes
"Too fucking bad. A.C. ain't in charge no more. He'll call you when he gets out," said Johnny
Kevin shouted, "Guys, I'm fucking myself up with diabetes, and watching bullshit. You better come stop me, you trash-eating shit-bag retards."
"Hey, I tell you what I'm going to do, you thieving son of a bitch," said Johnny as he picked up his Tommy gun, "I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to git your stupid dumb-shit goddamn motherfucking yellow keister off my property before I kill the living shit out of you and watch you burn in fucking hell!"
"Alright, Johnny," responded Snakes, "I'm sorry. I'm getting the fuck outta here."
"One...two...ten!" shouted Johnny
Johnny gunned down Snakes, laughing and gloating as he was watching him die. All that shooting made a giant puddle of blood come out of Snakes.
"Keep the change, you fucking asshole," said Johnny with an evil grin.
Kevin became frightened and yelled out for his mother. "Mom!"
Meanwhile in the private security conference room at the airport, all the McCallisters were sitting around the big table feeling down.
"Heather, are you really sure that Kevin went with us on the plane?" asked Kate.
"I'm pretty sure, Aunt Kate," answered Heather, "The last time I saw him, he was inside the van snooping inside a gym bag playing with picture cameras and stuff. That was when i was counting heads."
Heather still doesn't know that was actually Mitch Murphy snooping in the gym bag, instead of Kevin McCallister.
"What kind of a mother am I?" cried Kate, "Nobody in this family would ever murder him for being a troublemaker."
Kate cried on Peter's shoulder.
"It's not the end of the world, Kate," said Peter, "I'm pretty sure Kevin is still alive."
Two FBI agents, Schreck and Weine, came into the conference room, and showed their badges in front of the McCallisters.
"Ma'am, I'm afraid we have some bad news," Schreck said to Kate, "Weine and I believe that Kevin is dead."
"KEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIN!" screamed Kate.
Kate fell on the floor crying, and Peter picked Kate up back to her seat.
"Don't worry, guys," said Peter, "I will take care of this. She is my wife, and she's just in an emotional state of shock."
"If you excuse Weine and I," said Schreck, "We're gonna take your son, Buzz, into a private room for questioning."
"Not if they grow on my ass," shouted Buzz.
"It's nothing bad," Weine told Buzz, "You did not break the law. We just want to have an important discussion."
The agents took Buzz out of the conference room, and took him into a private room.
"How did you know that the plane was going to explode? Are you really psychic?" asked Schreck.
"I don't know how I sensed the explosion," answered Buzz, "I haven't been on a plane since I was four years old. When I was four, I noticed that a passenger drowned his head in a toilet on a plane. I screamed and went hysterical to my mom and dad."
"What the hell does that have to do with your prediction of the explosion?" asked Schreck angrily, "I just want to know how you knew about the explosion."
Buzz answered, "Maybe it was because last night, my brother, Kevin, threw a fit all over me, suspecting that I stole his plain cheese pizza and ate it all. How the fuck do I know that he hates sausage and olives and-"
Schreck slammed his file folder on the table and complained, "How does your brother's pizza obsession connect with the plane explosion?"
Buzz sat around there looking frozen, and then he suddenly figured out something.
"Well, I may not be psychic," said Buzz, "But maybe it's because the word "plane," which is the vehicle that exploded, sounds the same as "plain," which was the kind of pizza my brother liked."
"So you're saying that it's homophones that caused your prediction?" asked Schreck.
"Something like that, sir," answered Buzz, "That kinda gets me to believe that Kevin saved me from choking to death on the plain cheese pizza, before I saved myself and others, except Kevin, from the plane explosion."
"The plain cheese pizza and the plane explosion sound like a coincidence to me," said Schreck.
Schreck turned to Weine and said, "Come on, Weine. Let's put Buzz back in the conference room"
The agents put Buzz into the conference room, and then announced a hotel reservation at a nearby airport hotel for the McCallisters. They spent one night there.
The next morning, the McCallisters arrived at Kevin's so-called funeral. They all gathered around the empty coffin, which was located in front of Kevin's gravestone
"Kevin was a good member of the McCallister family," said the priest named Father Luther (played by James Earl Jones), "may he rest in peace and may we all pay respects to his soul in heaven. Ladies and gentlemen, Buzz will do the honors with his funeral speech."
Buzz walked right in front of the family, and started reading his speech script.
"My brother, Kevin," said Buzz, "was such a smart and loyal kid to the family, especially as a son to our parents. Despite the fact that he has been living with us on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, we thought that nothing even remotely dangerous would ever happen. But what is worse than the death of Kevin is Death trying to kill the rest of this family. Period."
"That was very good, Buzz," said Father Luther, "Now, we shall lower the coffin. May God have mercy on Kevin's soul."
The gravedigger pressed the button on the coffin machine, and the coffin was elevated slowly to the bottom of the ditch. All the McCallisters covered the coffin with the dirt from the dug-up dirt pile.
All the McCallisters went back into the vans to return to the hotel. Before Buzz became the last passenger to enter a van, Schreck interrupted Buzz and said, "You better be careful. Death could come to try to kill you or any other member of this family."
I thought it would be cool to cast James Earl Jones as the priest, but this chapter looks like Kevin has faked his death, without knowing it. Too bad, there's no funeral for Snakes. In other words, the deading is for Snakes and the funeral is for Kevin. Will the Buzz and the McCallisters ever figure out a way to cheat death? Will they ever find out that Kevin is actually alive and home alone? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Home Alone: The Final Destination."