Chapter 6: Death of a Pizza Man
The chapter title is a parody of this popular Broadway production Death of a Salesman. Anyways, Kevin used a cable to connect his Mac laptop to the surround sound system. He used iTunes to make recordings of lines from the Blu-Ray disc of Angels with Filthy Souls. For example, if one of those recording tracks is clicked on the playlist, it would say, "Keep the change, you fucking asshole." Kevin chose to put all the recording tracks in order on the playlist, so he would use the playlist to fool the pizza man into thinking that it's actually a gangster demanding the pizza. Kevin just called up Domino's to order the pepperoni pizza, rather than, what he calls, the disgusting Philly cheese-steak or Hawaiian ham and pineapple pizza. Kevin has convinced Domino's that his dad is in the shower, and that he asked him to order the pizza.
Twenty minutes later, the pizza man from Domino's drove in front of the house, and picked up a note from the front door that said, "Go to the back door, please." As Marv and Harry were peeking behind the bushes spying on the pizza man, the pizza man knocked on the back door.
Kevin clicked on a track on the playlist, making Johnny's voice in the surround system shout, "Who is it?"
"It's Domino's, sir," said the pizza man, "I have your large pepperoni pizza."
"Leave it on the doorstep and get the fuck outta here!" demanded "Johnny."
"Okay," responded the pizza man, "But what about the money?"
"What goddamn money?" asked "Johnny."
"You have to pay for you pizza, sir," answered the pizza man.
"Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?" asked "Johnny."
"That will be...$11.80," answered the pizza man.
Kevin put his hand out the dog flap door, and dropped the $12 on the pizza. As the pizza man picked the money off the pizza box, Kevin clicked on a track, making Johnny shout, "Keep the change, you fucking asshole."
"What a potty-mouth," complained the pizza man.
"Hey, I'll tell you what I'm going to do, you thieving son of a bitch," shouted "Johnny."
"Hey, man, take it easy. I just sold you the pizza," responded the pizza man.
"Johnny" demanded, "I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to git your stupid dumb-shit goddamn motherfucking yellow keister off my property before I kill the living shit out of you and watch you burn in fucking hell!"
"You don't have to be so violent," said the pizza man.
"One...two...ten!" shouted Johnny.
As Kevin was rewinding the machine gun sound effects over and over on the track, the pizza man ran to his car, and drove away. Kevin picked up the pizza, and said, "This lovely pepperoni pizza is just for me." Kevin closed the door behind him, and went to the kitchen to start eating his pizza.
Meanwhile, Marv and Harry went back to their van to make a discussion over the McCallisters' house.
"I don't get it, Harry," said Marv, "Why would that kid have a gangster living in the house?"
"Marv, I think it's better we sit here and find out whether or not the cops get called to the house," said Harry, "Because they sure did scare the shit out of the pizza man."
"Does this also mean we're gonna have to wait til tomorrow to rob that house?" asked Marv.
"I'm afraid so, Marv," answered Harry.
Meanwhile, the pizza man was driving so fast that he accidentally ran over some broke glass, and his car flipped over to the forest and crashed. It took the pizza man a few minutes to struggle his ass out of the car. As the pizza man made it to the road, the car blew up. During the explosion, a flaming tire flew out of the car, and severed the pizza man's head off.
Twenty minutes later, Marv and Harry turned on the radio and heard a report of cops and paramedics discovering that a pizza man had his head cut off.
"Goddamn," said Marv, "A pizza man committing suicide, after being scared off by that gangster."
"No shit, Marv," said Harry, "Now, let's get the fuck to sleep right now. We'll discuss our plans to break into the house tomorrow morning."
Marv and Harry got into their sleeping bags into the back of their van, and said goodnight to each other.
Meanwhile at the airport hotel, the surviving McCallisters also noticed a news report on TV about the death of the pizza man.
"So the death of a pizza man," Buzz explained to Peter, "has put either you, Mom, Jeff, or Heather is out of the line of death. So there are three of you left in the risk of getting killed, before I become the last victim to die."
"You could be right, Buzz," said Peter. "But it really is getting late at night. So we better shut off the TV and go to bed tonight."
So the remaining McCallisters went to bed. Later that late night, Kate had this dream that she came back home to see if Kevin was okay. Kate noticed only the back view of Kevin.
"Kevin? Kevin, are you okay?" asked Kate, "It's ok. I'm you mother. I'm sorry for leaving you in the attic. Please forgive me."
Kevin turned around, and Kate noticed that Kevin lost his face skin from the front of his skull. Suddenly, the kid spoke in a demonic voice.
"You're not my mom," said the undead kid, "You shouldn't have left me in the attic, bitch."
Then, the kid did an evil laugh as Kate ran away screaming, "WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE TO MY KID?"
Kate suddenly woke up and screamed, waking the other McCallisters up in the suite.
"Are you alright, Kate?" Peter said, while Buzz, Jeff, and Heather came into the bedroom.
"I just had a horrible nightmare," frantically said Kate.
"About Kevin feeding you to my tarantula?" asked Buzz.
"No, it was about Kevin turning into an undead corpse, being possessed by a demon," said Kate, "I don't know what this means, but I know it doesn't mean that I actually murdered Kevin."
"It's all in you head, Kate," said Peter, "Now, please just go back to sleep. We'll discuss our survival tomorrow morning."
Then, Peter commanded, "Now, all you kids, go back to bed."
Buzz, Jeff, and Heather said, "Yes, sir," and they went back to bed.
The next chapter will take place on Christmas Eve. I guess the pizza man getting himself killed helped only one of the surviving McCallisters cheat death, but they do not know which one it is. Are Marv and Harry actually going to break into the Kevin's house on the night of Christmas Eve? Will Kevin ever make plans to defend himself against those two bad guys while the other McCallisters do everything they can to cheat death? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Home Alone: The Final Destination."