Chapter 7: Christmas Eve, Part I
During the morning of Christmas Eve, Marv and Harry stopped at a McDonald's drive-thru to pick up a couple of Egg McMuffins and cups of coffees. After they finished off their breakfast in the van, they started to make plans to break into Kevin's house.
"Alright, Marv," said Harry, "Why don't you go ahead and check on the house?"
"You mean now?" asked Marv.
"No, tomorrow," sarcastically said Harry, "Don't be a fucking chicken shit! Just do it now!"
Marv stepped out of the van. Meanwhile, Kevin started eating his Pop-Tarts in the kitchen. In the middle of his breakfast time, he noticed a figure of a strange man sneaking behind the back door. That strange man was Marv. As Marv attempted to open the door, Kevin, once again, turned on the Blu-Ray disc of Angels with Filthy Souls, making it sound like Johnny and Snakes fighting and arguing in the house.
"Get the fuck outta here," demanded Johnny.
"But what about my goddamn money?" protested Snakes.
"What goddamn money?" said Johnny.
"A.C. said you had some dough for me," said Snakes
"Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?" asked Johnny
"A.C. said 10%," said Snakes
"Too fucking bad. A.C. ain't in charge no more," said Johnny, "He's downstairs fucking prostitutes. He'll call you when he gets out."
"Prostitutes?" Mark asked himself, "There's prostitutes in the house?"
"Hey, I tell you what I'm going to do, you thieving son of a bitch," said Johnny as he picked up his Tommy gun.
"Uh oh, this doesn't sound good," said Marv.
Johnny demanded, "I'm gonna give you to the count of ten to git your stupid dumb-shit goddamn motherfucking yellow keister off my property before I kill the living shit out of you and watch you burn in fucking hell!"
"Alright, Johnny," responded Snakes, "I'm sorry. I'm getting the fuck outta here."
Kevin put some firecrackers in a pot, and started fusing them, while hearing Johnny shout, "One...two...ten!"
While the firecrackers were exploding in the pot the same time as Johnny shooting Snakes, Marv was running as fast as he could to the van. When the shooting ended, Kevin moved his mouth, disguising his voice as Johnny's saying, "Keep the change, you fucking asshole."
Marv barged into the van and said, "Harry, you're not going to believe this."
"So what is this bullshit all about?" said Harry.
"It's about this guy named Johnny, who was talking with Snakes about money and some guy fucking prostitutes," answered Marv. "Then, Johnny killed the living shit out of Snakes."
"Isn't Johnny the same guy who scared the shit out of the pizza man last night?" asked Harry.
"I believe so," answered Marv.
"Something sounds really fucked up," said Harry, "Because how can Johnny scare off a pizza man one night, and then kill Snakes the next day? And how can this one kid also have bitches and whores in the house? If there is sex and murder going on in the house, I say we sit here and make sure that no cops are called to the house."
"So we wait til the afternoon to see what the kid is up to?" asked Marv.
"I'm afraid so, Marv," answered Harry.
"Oh fucking great," complained Marv, "We have to spend the whole fucking Christmas in a van full of worthless shit."
"Don't worry, Marv," said Harry, "We'll be rich before we know it this holiday season."
A few hours later, Marv and Harry stepped out of their van to spy on Kevin and his house. They noticed Kevin cutting off a pine tree, which he would make as a Christmas tree. Kevin put the tree into the living room. As he started putting on decorations, he noticed a reflection of Marv and Harry outside the window on a red ornament. Kevin was shocked.
"Dad, can you help me here?" shouted Kevin.
Marv and Harry walked a few feet away from the window.
"Holy fucking shit," said Harry, "That kid is home alone. And you know what else? He's Kevin McCallister, and he's alive."
"So his death on the plane was fake?" asked Marv.
"That's right," answered Harry, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"Shooting a hole through the kid's head?" guessed Marv.
"Not quite," answered Harry, "But we're gonna make plans to break into that house tonight, and make sure Kevin doesn't stop us. Before he tries to stop us, we're gonna make that kid's fake death a real one."
"How are we gonna do that, Harry?" asked Marv.
"Come on, Marv," said Harry, "Let's walk several more feet away from the house and discuss this privately, so the kid is not spying on us."
As Marv and Harry walked very short walk from the house, not knowing that Kevin has found them by the window, Kevin was spying on Marv and Harry's private conversation.
"What do you say that we go pick up some Wendy's at a drive-thru?" asked Harry, "Once we're done with the supper this evening, we will prepare to break into the house, trap the kid, and steal as much shit as we can at 9pm tonight."
"9 o'clock," whispered Kevin, "Oh, fuck me."
"So it's a deal," said Marv.
"A deal is a deal," said Harry.
"Mom," said Kevin, "Where the fuck are you?"
Meanwhile, the McCallisters were singing Christmas Carols in the suite...
"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
"Alright, enough of the goddamn singing!" demanded Buzz, "I'm starving, and we got nothing to eat but that shitty fruitcake. Can we have some KFC or something?
"No, Buzz," said Peter, "It is not safe for us to leave this suite til Death has disappeared. So we can't go anywhere. Not to a drive-thru or a grocery store or the lobby to pick up microwaveable dinners."
"We could order Chinese," suggested Kate.
"Fuck Chinese and fuck Italian," shouted Buzz, "Always the same old same old yada yada fucking yada, when it comes to choices for dinner. I'd hate to spend the entire Christmas on the shitter."
"Will you stop complaining, Buzz?" demanded Heather.
"It really is driving me insane," said Jeff.
"All of you, quiet down," demanded Peter.
Everyone sat down in silence for a minute.
"Here's how it goes," explained Peter, "We're gonna order some Chinese, and that is final."
"But we're not Jewish," protested Buzz, "Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas Day."
"Well, it just isn't Christmas Day right now," said Peter, "It's Christmas Eve, and I say it's ok we have Chinese tonight, before we have the traditional Christmas supper tomorrow. Now do we understand each other?"
"Yes, dad," answered Buzz, "Whatever it takes for us to survive."
And so everybody agreed to have Chinese as a Christmas Eve dinner, rather than a Christmas Day dinner.
Will Kevin figure out a way to defend himself and his house against Marv and Harry? Is another character going to be killed to put another McCallister out of the line of death? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Home Alone: The Final Destination."