Thanks to lizde for looking over what I call writing :)
Warning: For Violence
Ch7/Bella/Tired
"She's scared of gays?"
What?
"That's just weird."
Huh? Really? What the hell?
"It's not weird, Edward. Everyone is scared of something."
Ok, why are the school nurse and Edward, of all people, in my dreams? And I'm not scared of gay people! I would have rolled my eyes if I was awake. I mean I had to be asleep. All I saw was darkness and random memories mixed with the things I've done in the past few days mixed with the movie Beetlejuice. I knew I shouldn't have watched that damn movie. But that was a few days ago! Stop already!
The voices stopped and I felt myself relax. Beetlejuiceand Winona Ryder finally disappeared.
Some people say we remember things while we're asleep and we confuse the memories with dreams. But I'm not confused. I know I'm remembering. Some of the memories are dark. Some are so damn frightening that I wake up soaked in sweat and with my heart rate through the roof. But not all the dreams and memories are dark. That's shocking considering my luck. But I guess someone upstairs wants to give me a break once in a while. He likes to return me to happier times in my sleep. I just wonder why he can't do that for me while I'm awake.
I'm five and Jake is three. We're playing in the mud. Why they let us do that in the first place I have no idea. Renee was probably trying to be a "modern mom," letting her kid do whatever she wanted. I can still taste the mud as Jacob fed it to me.
"Bella! I think you've had enough mud pie for one day young lady," my mother said as she took me in her arms, pulling me out of the puddle of mud. She quickly put me down. A five year old isn't light. She took me by the muddy hand and Jacob by the muddier hand and led us to the bathroom.
I still remember the gentle scrubbing on my young skin, and my mother's gentle humming. I can still see the look on her face as she washed my hair and the hint of determination in her green eyes as she tried to wash off the mud. That was when she cared. That was when my mother would have defended me from the evil mud monsters. Why didn't she? Why doesn't she now? Is it because I'm not a cute five-year-old anymore?
I wish I was young again. Those were the days. Before my mother became a bitter and depressed version of herself and before my parents decided they hated each other. Before He added drinking to his bad temper. Before that night...
"Poor girl," I heard Suzy say from far away.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being the poor girl.
My mother dries my brown curls and wraps the pink towel around me. She grabs the towel and pulls me toward her and kisses my cheeks. I smile at her.
I don't know what I did wrong. Dreams are crazy.
Now, I'm standing and I'm almost as tall as my mother and fully dressed. Her smile fades and she walks away. I call after her, but she ignores me. Now I'm being carried through the woods behind the school...by Edward.
These are weird dreams...
He holds me close to his warm chest and I can feel and smell him.
"Edward you damn fool. You ruined everything. You ruined it. I wanna go back to my first memory-slash-dream. Besides I don't want youto hold me like this. You ruined it. It was supposed to be my Edward. I wanted it to be my Edward's chest I felt against my cheek," I mumbled.
I looked up at him. This was totally a dream. I would never have the balls to look Edward in the face with him so close to me.
He looked down at me and gave me that stupid dazzling, crooked, over used smile that...I love.
"Oh Isabella..."
"Don't call me that."
"You're bleeding," he said, smiling.
What the hell? Why is he smiling about it? It's just a dream. Wait, blood? Is it possible to pass out while being passed out?
"Blood?"
"Yes," he answered.
"I hate blood. I hate its color. I hate its nasty smell and how it feels running down my skin. How it's so warm and thick. I hate how it feels in my eyes. I hate how it stains my skin and how it turns brown. I hate it."
"I know," he said, lowly.
"Shut up. No you don't. Nobody knows. Not even him."
I don't know how much longer Edward carried me in silence through the woods in a melancholy mood. I guessed I ruined the mood in my own dream. It happens.
I suddenly smelled coffee mixed with the smell of band-aids and heard the wheels of a chair rolling around.
Shit.
I forced my eyes open. Well I tried. At first I only opened my eyes wide enough to let some light in, but then closed them. My brain was pounding against my skull. I placed a hand on my head. Why do people do that? Like your hand will make the pain go away. Stupid. Nothing ever takes the pain away. I sighed and dropped my hand to my side. I felt a presence in the room and I could hear someone moving around. I turned to face the presence and opened my eyes.
I had to be dreaming.
A pair of green eyes stared back at me. I stared at him for a moment as if looking at him for a long time would finally convince me that Edward Cullen was really staring at me. He was looking back at me, and the look on his face made no sense. It was as if he was worried or maybe just thoughtful. Those words don't go with Edward. That's not him. He is a jackass and a douche bag. His stare for me would be one of confusion, or dislike, even hate. That, I would expect from him, but not this. Not this look of worry for me. I know it's for me. I'm the only fool lying on this bed. I'm the weak one.
I closed my eyes again, rubbing them with my good hand and sighing loudly. I really needed to wake up already. I opened my eyes again and yep, there he was. Still.
"Edward?" My voice didn't sound attractive, but he didn't seem to notice. He just smiled at me.
I love that smile.
You hate him remember?
I do. Okay, no I don't. But if tomorrow Edward and his family of perfectness moved away from Forks, let's just say I wouldn't cry or beg him to stay.
"Bella..." As his perfect angel carved lips said my name I was snapped back to reality.
"Edward?" I sat up and I quickly realized that that was a bad idea as the pounding in my head got even worse. "Shit…what…what happened?" I slammed my hands on the bed as I talked. Another bad move. My hand stung and reminded me of yet another of my many weaknesses.
Wait, I was asleep in a room with Edward? I talk in my sleep. Did he hear anything? What is he doing here? What is he planning? I shouldn't look him in the eye or stare back at that stupid stare of his. It will be my doom.
"I found you out in the hall and you passed out. I carried you here...to the nurse," Edward said quietly. He seemed worried. Why?
"Are you okay? Are you feeling better? You didn't look too good," he said. I ignored his comment about not looking too good and realized Edward had carried me. It wasn't just a dream.
"You carried me here?" I was embarrassed. I should really stop showing my weakness to the enemy. I will lose in battle. I'm not a good soldier. I already know it. Why the hell is Edward freaking snob/douche bag Cullen still here? Why did he carry me? He would have left me where he found me if this was a normal day. I have to stop being pathetic and get back to staying away from him. I seem to fail miserably at that.
"Yes. You had me worried shitless," he said, and he smiled at me again. He was probably thinking that he could buddy up to me. Why? I don't know and I don't intend to find out. He has spent the last six years of my school life making sure I know that I only exist for him when he wants to make his friends laugh with jokes about me. I, being the center of those jokes, am always aware of him. I always avoid him and I plan to continue that way. I looked down at my lap trying not to look at him.
"Oh..." I simply said. I didn't want to give him an opening, or make him think that I was cool with him and he was cool with me and we're best friends forever now.
No.
My determination to keep my distance from Edward seemed to work as his smile faded with my coldness and indifference. He seemed frustrated. Sorry Ed, you dazzle all the girls and you might dazzle me sometimes, but I don't trust you. I'm weak, but not stupid.
Plus, besides being utterly ashamed of what landed me in the nurse's small and broken down office, I was now in deep shit. I had just noticed that Edward's shirt was stained with my blood. I could feel the heat of embarrassment behind my ears and my heart started pounding against my chest.
Edward won't like that I ruined his shirt. It was probably worth more than all my clothes put together and he will probably ask that I pay for it. I don't have any money. He barely gives me enough money to eat! I'm in deep shit! I fought back my tears of frustration. I can't cry now.
"I'm so sorry!" I choked out, looking at Edward's stain.
"Why are you sorry?" He asked. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and then followed my gaze to the stain. His eyes widened and his mouth opened a little. He rapidly blinked a few times.
Please don't yell...please don't be mad...
I could feel my heart race.
"I'm sorry I ruined your shirt. I'm just...I um...uh...I'm so stupid," I said. God damn I am! I looked down, ready to hear it. I was ready take it. I'm full of shit; I'm never ready to take it. But I do.
"Bella, don't worry. It's just a shirt. I seriously don't care. If I did I would have noticed the stain earlier. Now, I'm fucking stupid. How can I miss a giant ass stain on my shirt?" He chuckled, which strangely soothed my fear a little, but at the same time worried me. What the hell? This isn't normal! I wish he would just yell at me and demand a repayment of some kind so we could get this over with.
I said nothing. I think I was still waiting for him to explode and yell at me. I wonder if the veins and the artery in Edward's neck pop out when he is angry, or if he spits saliva or throws random shit around or at the people he's mad at. I wonder if he has rough hands or if his grip would be tight and painful. I wonder if he pushes hard. I pray to god he doesn't.
Please… don't be like HIM.
"Where are my glasses?" I asked when I noticed that I couldn't read the poster I was staring at. I'm such an idiot, I barely noticed that I couldn't see. I squinted and started trying to look around to find them. As if that ever worked! Edward seemed to realize what I was doing and he quickly stood up and grabbed something from a nearby table and handed it to me.
"Here, I hope they're alright," he said, and handed me my glasses. They were okay, just a little dirty from where I had touched the lenses. I cleaned them with my shirt. I was too self conscious with Edward next to me to fog them up with my breath first, so I didn't. I heard people think that's gross. But hey, it works, and I like to see thank you very much! But for some reason I can't have Edward thinking I'm nasty.
I put them on, but kept my head down. I could still see the stain on Edward's shirt from the corner of my eye.
"I'm sorry again about your shirt. I'll pay you back. I don't know how, but I will," I said.
"Bella, seriously stop apologizing for a fucking shirt! I'll be fine!" Edward yelled. As his voice hit that high pitch my body instinctively jumped. It was as if it was trained to know what it meant when someone yells unexpectedly and in such a high voice. It was ready take the pain.
I jumped and flinched so roughly that I felt the bed under me move. I could feel my body shake a little and it became so difficult to breathe that my lungs burned. My skin was red hot and my mouth was dry.
I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of my body flinching so violently at any sudden movement or any movement at all. It hurts sometimes. It hurts all the time. I'm tired of always being on the lookout, just in case I've done or said something He didn't like. I'm tired of always having to watch my back. I'm just tired.
I could feel Edward staring at me. He wasn't going to hit me. Of course not.
You're just a paranoid mess!
I chewed on my lower lip. I had probably freaked Edward out. Maybe he'll stay away from me now seeing as I'm such a freak. I hope.
"I'm...uh...um...I'm sorry. I'm...I have to go to class," I said. He gently placed a hand under my arm to help me down. I let him and didn't flinch, because a normal girl would let him. A normal girl would smile at him and thank him. A normal girl wouldn't be scared of this simple and nice gesture. I couldn't react like this when he grabbed me earlier because I had let my defenses down, but this time I was ready. See...I'm not normal.
I could feel his warm hand under my elbow. I could feel a chill in my spine. His hand under my elbow caused a weird tingle that made my wounded hand hurt. I bit down harder on my lip. If he grabs me a little higher up the arm I think I will make my lip bleed. More blood isn't good.
He let go of my arm and I took a silent deep breath, not wanting to freak him out any more than I already had. "Thanks," I said quietly, hoping he heard me. I did my best to avoid looking up at him.
"No problem Bella," he said as I headed for the door. On my way down the hall I turned to see if he was still looking at me and he was. I quickly looked away. I walked to my next class, looking for a clock to see what period I had to go to next. I had no idea what time it was. I could feel Edward staring at me like I was a circus freak. I'm sure he and his pack of "perfect" friends will use this against me some day.
My next class period was art. Luckily my stupid injury happened to my useless left hand and not my drawing hand. Art is my home. Though I hate the class and the people in it, art is the only thing I know how to do.
I sit in the back of the class and Mr. Freeman doesn't get mad, the way the other teachers do, when I ignore the class and draw all period. Sometimes, when he's in a bad mood, he complains that the school district "doesn't give a hoot" about his art program. But I still like him better than the other teachers. Yes, I did steal a carving knife from him, and some expensive professional drawings pencils, but I'm sure if he knew why he wouldn't mind. He would encourage me. I think.
I do have to put up with immature, close minded morons who laugh at drawings of naked people and judge paintings that aren't "pretty" or that "don't make sense." But in return, nobody bothers me. Alice Cullen is in the class, but she sits with Angela Weber on the other side of the room so I'm not bothered by her presence.
Nobody asked what happened to my hand or why I was late. I forgot to get a pass, and I wasn't going to run the chance of bumping into Edward again, so I just told Mr. Freeman that I was late from lunch. He shook his head and said nothing.
As I walked to my desk in the back, I caught Alice stating at me. Why do the Cullens have staring problems? Though Alice's stare is softer and friendlier, I don't really like it. I don't want her to look at me, period. I want her and her stupid brothers to leave me alone. She went back to talking to Angela who, like everyone else, never says anything to me. I went to my desk and drew for the rest of the class period. With a pen I drew on my bandage. I wonder if, when I heard Suzy's voice in my dreams, that it was really her. What was she talking about with Edward?
Probably about how pathetic you are Swan.
I mentally flipped my inner voice off and continued to draw. When the class period was over I grabbed my stuff and before I could make it out the door, Mr. Freeman stopped me. "Oh Bella, can you come to my desk for a moment?"
Mr. Freeman tries too hard to be the cool teacher. He's the only one that acknowledges that I'd rather be called Bella. I'm grateful for it. I hate Isabella.
I walked to his desk and he smiled at me. He took a blue ribbon out of his desk and handed it to me.
"What is it?" I asked. Duh a ribbon.
"I thought an artist like you would recognize a ribbon when she sees it," he said, smiling. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "It's a prize."
"A prize?"
"Yes! I hope you don't get mad Bella, but I took the liberty of entering one of your drawings into the Port Angeles Young Art Celebration Contest at the art museum," he said, all proud of himself.
I should be furious. Pissed. That shit is mine. But then, it was nice of him to think that one of my drawings would be good enough to win. I just stared at the ribbon like it was something strange. I mean I guess I should be happy, it did say Bella Swan First Place: Pencil Sketch. Mr. Freeman chuckled.
"If you still don't get it Bella, you won. It came with a plaque, but..."
"A plaque?" Now I was shocked. It was just a pencil sketch for god's sakes! He chuckled again.
"Yes, but they are getting that one ready for the art display they are having in two months. You're going to accept it in person, right?"
Well Father won't let me go even if it's a good thing, but to make you happy...
"Yeah! Definitely..." I managed to say. I was lying of course, but I didn't want to hear a speech about how it would be good for me to go and bad if I didn't. I kept staring at the damn ribbon. I couldn't help but be proud. "I've never won anything," I said and he just smiled.
"Well this is just the beginning."
I looked at him confused. He took what looked like pamphlets out of his desk. "The judges gave me these to give to you," he said. I gently took them from his ink stained hands. He always had his hands stained with some kind ink. A true artist... I guess.
My mouth fell open and I fought back tears. Why did I wanna cry? I'm so pathetic. It's not as if Father would let me apply.
"They're art schools?" I asked. He smiled again.
"Yes Bella. The judge's panel consisted of a few art school directors from the west coast and they wanted me to give you these. They want you to go their schools Bella! They have all these scholarships you can apply for."
I couldn't help but feel warmed by Mr. Freeman's enthusiasm. He actually thought I was good enough for those fancy schools? Those fancy art people thought the same?
He won't think you're good enough. He doesn't think you're good enough.
"Um...I...don't know what to say. I mean I wasn't even thinking about..."
"Don't say those disgusting words. Of course you were thinking about college! Bella you're better than this damn shithole town," he said. His curse words caught me off guard, but I kept staring at the pamphlet. "You are way more talented at this stuff than I am dammit! Don't waste this opportunity. But I will tell you something. I was looking at your grades from your other classes. Bella, they love good artists at these schools, but they also want you to be good at the other boring stuff too. Please, the school year is a few months away from being over. You're a "C" average right now. I know you can at least get to B's in those classes! Please Bella, I know you can do it!"
I hid the pamphlets inside a notebook and went to my next class, feeling a little bit positive. It felt weird. It's like a negative cloud always follows me around, but there I was actually thinking that I might have the chance to actually do something with myself. Mom would support me, but she would cry about it. I don't wanna see her cry or feel bad about herself. She always talks about school or "what could've been" and I'm tired of hearing it. Father would never let me go. He won't even let me get a job. I certainly can't tell him. He'll probably get so mad at my audacity that he'll...
I shudder at the thought.
I don't have any friends to share my excitement with. Excitement is just like sadness, if you don't share it with anyone, it'll eat you alive.
During my next class, we had a sub that played a movie for us. I decided to do my English assignment. It was dark because the lights were off, but I did just fine with the light from the TV screen. I wasn't doing so great in English. If I was going to get any better at the boring subjects I might as well start now. Maybe if I get A's I'll get some kind of scholarship or something that will help me pay for school and housing. That way I won't have to ask Father to let me go. I could make it on my own.
The thought of going to warm California away from this town and everyone else made me smile. I haven't smiled at myself for a long time.
Nobody will call you names there or threaten you. Nobody will make you scared, because nobody will know you. You'll be brand new.
I asked my next teacher for all my missing assignments and she said something about how "it was about time" and how "excited" she was. I couldn't believe all the crap I was behind in. I had a lot of homework. I spent the whole class working on some old papers I had to do. I was so caught up that I didn't even realize the class was over and that I was running late for English.
As I made my way to my locker, the hall started to clear and I suddenly found myself alone. I opened my locker and started getting my stuff for English when I heard footsteps coming towards me. They were high heels.
"So Jessica, me and Rose are in deep shit with our parents. Can you believe that fuckery?" Tanya said, standing on my right. She was so close I could smell her mint gum and expensive perfume. Tanya laid her head against the locker that was beside me. I felt another body's heat on my left.
"Really Tanya? Why?" Jessica asked, faking shock, and she rested her head against the locker to my left. She popped her gum. I jumped a little and they giggled. I froze. I looked into my locker, not daring to look at them.
"Some..." Tanya put her face next to my ear, my heart started racing and I could feel a cold sweat starting. "Some bitchhhhhh..." Tanya extended the "ch" and I could feel her cool minty breath in my ear. I shivered. I held my breath. I couldn't breathe and my hands were sweaty. My skin felt hot and I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.
Do something! Tell them to fuck off, Swan!
I couldn't. My mouth was dry and my useless body wouldn't move. It knows when it's in trouble. My mind and my body do what they do every time this happens. What they always do when they feel threatened. They shut down. They pretend we're not in this mess. They pretend it won't hurt. But it does...every time.
"Some little bitch snitched on us," she finished.
"Who's the bitch?" Jessica asked.
"You'll see when Rose comes back. I don't wanna ruin Rose's fun! But, I hope..." Tanya ran a finger across my arm and I stayed still. I was shaking on the inside, trying to hold it in. I couldn't let them see. I could feel the vibrations of fear run through my body and hit my heart. It was painful.
"I hope she watches her back. I kinda' feel bad for her. But then again, she snitched on us, so she deserves it," Tanya said, and she loudly popped her gum. "Until Rose comes back, I hope the little bitch enjoys her pathetic life!" She slammed my locker shut and shoved her shoulder into me. I held in my gasp. I had to stop myself from hitting the locker face first by placing my hands in front of me. I winced as my wounded hand hit the metal.
Jessica and Tanya giggled and walked away. I didn't move until I couldn't hear their high heels anymore. With shaky hands I reopened my locker, and grabbed my English notebooks and my sketch book. I stopped at the restroom and washed my face, trying to erase any signs of all the stupid fear. Edward was in my next class and I couldn't let him see me being weak.
I made it to class late, ruining my plan to start fresh in English today. At least I did my homework. Mrs. Morris welcomed me in with a snarky comment. Things just kept getting worse. Besides having to sit in front of Edward, who kept smiling at me, I was now in a group project with him and Angela, his sister's friend. Someone must really want me to turn suicidal.
Edward helped me move my desk to face his and Angela's. I thought nothing about it. He just wants to get this project over with as much as I do. I thanked him and hoped this class period would fly.
The project was ridiculous and there was no need to be in groups. I hate teachers who make up group projects. Don't they know I'll always be left out and that I'll have to put up with kids that don't want me in their group because I'm not their friend? Either they'll do all the work and won't involve me or give me credit, or they'll make me do everything and still not give me credit. I hate Mrs. Morris.
I said nothing. The little encounter with the Whore Gang shot down my high hopes and enthusiasm. I'll try again tomorrow.
Fucking Swan!
My inner voice is sometimes a braless white trash lady that smokes cheap cigarettes and curses like its vomit coming out of her mouth. She's not very attractive.
Angela started talking and I listened to her argument for who was to blame for Romeo and Juliet's tragic ending. Angela had the typical answer, but I don't blame her. Mercutio was a pain in the ass character, but I have a soft spot for him.
Edward didn't look amused by Angela. I wanted to smile at the look on his face, but I kept it in. He blamed Tybalt and Romeo. Who blames Romeo? He used a curse word every other word to make his argument. I'm not sure Shakespeare had the words "big dick" and "pussy" in mind when describing his characters, but what do I know?
After Edward was done making his argument, they both stayed silent. I knew I had to say something. So I just said what was on my mind. Why I hate and love Romeo and Juliet. I babbled really. After I was done, I felt sort of embarrassed. I'm such an idiot. I always have to get political about crap. Why couldn't I just answer normally? I should've blamed the Nurse, that back stabber, but that's not what I think.
The group was silent again. I looked up at Edward who was just staring at me. I wasn't sure what the look on his face was about. His mouth was hanging open. He was probably appalled that I had talked so much.
"Well...um...uh...I... that's what I think," I said. I wanted to face palm myself, because obviously that's what I think or I wouldn't have babbled it.
"That was...good," Angela said.
"Good? That was fucking amazing. I vote Bella!" Edward said excitedly, with a stupid smile on his face. I was relieved, shocked and proud. Having all those feeling bouncing around inside me at the same time wasn't safe, but I couldn't help it.
"Um...re...rea...really?" My voice broke. It betrayed me.
"Yeah Isabella, that was really good. I think we should use your argument. We would get points for thinking outside the box. I vote Isabella," Angela said nicely. She smiled at me. I smiled back at her, but she had turned away before she could see it. I looked down at my books, feeling a little overwhelmed. It's silly really. I do what seems to be a good thing for once and I feel over-accomplished. I'm pathetic.
It was weird feeling like part of a group, so I stayed silent the rest of the class period. Edward tried his hardest to engage me in the project. I appreciated it, and silently thanked him, but I didn't trust his intentions. I just don't trust him, period.
Class finally ended, reminding me of Tanya and her Whore Gang. I hoped they weren't waiting for me. I was going to have to run through the hall. A sudden tension and stress came over me. I didn't want to bump into them. I rushed out of class, dodging people in the crowded hall. I made it my mission to get out of school as fast as possible.
"Bella!" I heard someone yell. I couldn't risk looking back. It was probably Tanya or Jessica or even Lauren.
I walked faster, trying to get away from the school. But I'm 5 foot 4 with short legs, and that doesn't help when everyone else is taller than me. I could almost feel Tanya and her tall 5 foot 10 stature closing in on me.
"Bella!" I heard again. "Bella!" By the third time I recognized that it was Edward.
What does he want? I couldn't stop though. I saw a blonde headed girl pass me, and a few kids started shouting and laughing loudly, which made me nervous.
"Hey Bella!" I could barely hear my name what with the loud laughter and screaming. I was almost at the doors. A feeling of relief washed over me, but before I could reach the doors, someone grabbed me. I felt his large hand wrap around my arm. He pulled on me hard...so hard it hurt and burned all the way up to my armpit. As the muscle was pulled, my body quickly recognized the feeling and the tingling pain.
Please...don't. Not again. It reminds me...I hate remembering. I remember each bruise and how I got each and every one of them. I can hear my mother crying. She cries for herself and for me. She does nothing as I hurt. I can feel his spit as he yells and his rough hands...
He pulled me by the arm and I smacked into his chest, hard. It was just like when He pulls me around. I dropped my books on the floor and gasped at the pain and the sudden, rough contact with his chest.
I hate it. It hurts. I hate hurting. I do it all the time.
How dare he?
A rush of anger, pure hate and aggravation ran through my body and it violently shook me. I almost broke apart. I pulled away and turned to see Edward looking at me...scared.
"I'm sorry I..." he stammered. I didn't want to hear more of his bullshit. I was so fucking pissed that I could feel myself shaking and my skin turning red. I don't like to be touched or pulled. He does it every time he's in a bad mood and I'm tired of it! Why did Edward have to pull me? Who the hell does he think he is? Why can't they leave me alone?
"Don't touch me!" I screamed, causing the people passing by to stop. I ignored them. I could feel my eyes fill with water. UGH! I can't even fight without feeling my damn weakness kick in. "Don't you ever pull me like that again! Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me!" I yelled. He flinched back. I made Edward flinch? I didn't feel bad. Something small inside of me cheered. It was very small and the feeling went away quickly.
"Bella...I'm sorry," Edward said. He sounded honest, but it looked like he was about to touch my shoulders, and I pulled roughly away. He widened his eyes and a look of shock mixed with a bit of fear flashed across his face.
Now you fucking do something?
"Just keep your hands away! What do you not understand about 'hands away'? Please Edward!"
I started to feel guilty. I was still aggravated at him, but I realized I was taking it all out on Edward. My frustration with Tanya and her stupid friends, Him, and my fear of Edward Cullen had all finally exploded. Edward hadn't done anything wrong. I'm so stupid.
I looked around and realized that everyone was staring at us in silence, waiting for me to make my next crazy outburst. I felt a flash of embarrassment and my tears finally fell down my cheeks. I need to get out of there. I quickly picked up my stuff and stood up, looking at Edward's feet.
"I'm...I uh...um I'm sorry," I said. I meant it. Even though I'm not on Team Edward, he didn't deserve my paranoid outburst. He didn't deserve to be freaked out by my crazy self.
I quickly turned away and headed for the doors, pushing my way through the crowd. It wasn't too hard. Everyone got out of my way pretty fast. They probably think craziness is contagious.
I ran to my truck and wasted no time in getting out of the parking lot. I held in my tears on the ride home. I wouldn't even allow myself the luxury of crying, the luxury of release. I didn't play music either. I just sped my way home in silence.
I'm crazy. I know it. Coming to terms with your own insanity isn't thrilling. It's so disappointing. It's as if you have been proven wrong and you realize you've been a fool for all your life. You've fooled yourself, which is worse than someone else fooling you. I'm not right in the mind. I know that. But I can't help it. I can't help being the way I am and I'm tired of it. I wish I was someone else. I wish I could get rid of this bruised body and this weak and equally bruised mind. I want to be someone else, someone who isn't scared. I hate having my guard up all the time. It's exhausting and I don't think my battered body can take it much longer.
I have no idea how I got home or how I made it without crashing. I wasn't even paying attention to where I was going. While my mind wandered around and I drowned in the realization that I'm insane, my hands led the way to my house.
Instinctively I sighed in relief when I saw that my mother's blue pickup truck and Father's police cruiser were not in the driveway. After I wiped my feet on the mat in front of the door, I walked into the kitchen looking for something to eat. I found some noodles and decided it would be good enough. I was starving. The loss of blood and the paranoia attack I suffered in school were enough to drain every bit of energy I had. I ate my noodles as quickly as I could, burning my tongue in the process. I wanted to get out of the kitchen before Father or Mother got home and decided they weren't in a good mood. I didn't want to be in their line of sight if that happened.
I took my school work to my room, closing the door behind me. I changed out of my school clothes, which always included my green sweater and a pair of loose worn out jeans. When I was about to jump on my bed to start on my homework I noticed an envelope partially hidden under my pillow. I grabbed it and smiled when I realized who the sender was.
Jacob Black
I opened the envelope so fast I accidently tore the letter a little.
Dear Bells,
Well I'm hurt. You haven't written back.
I'd forgotten. Great, I forgot to write to the only friend I have.
It's ok though, you must be busy finishing you senior year, you old dog! Well my dad is making good money and gave me the okay to tell you the news since its official! In a few weeks we'll be moving back to Forks!
I almost fainted, puked, screamed and jumped around all at the same time. I felt tears running down my cheeks. I'm so pathetic, but I couldn't help it. My best friend, my only friend, is coming back! Jake is coming back!
I'm so excited to see my pack from the rez and especially you, amiga! I've missed ya like you just don't know! I've got friends over here in New Mexico, but no chick friends. To be honest you're better fun. Yeah I know, I'm sweet. Hope you haven't changed your nerdy ways and still like to play video games 'cuz I sure do! Have you seen Leah or Paul? How 'bout Sam? They write back, but every time I ask for you in a letter or by phone they change the subject or don't answer! I know calling you wouldn't be a good idea since Papa Evil won't give you a cell phone and he don't like me very much. Maybe I can e-mail ya?
Love ya Bells,
Jake
P.S. Write me back already. At least tell me you're excited that I'm coming home and that you still wanna hang with me so I won't be so ass hurt!
I quickly grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper. I started writing as if I wrote fast enough it would get back to him just as fast. I started telling Jake about how behind I was in school. I told him about art class and how I was thinking about going to art school and how I haven't seen Leah, Paul or Sam. I skipped the part about how I hadn't seen them since he left...since it happened. I told him I didn't have an e-mail address because I just didn't care, but I would get one for him. I was so busy writing away with a smile on my face that I ignored the sounds of a vehicle pulling in to our driveway and the door opening. I ignored the heavy boot sounds coming up the stairs. I forgot to lock my door.
The door flew open hitting the wall. It made some of my drawings fall off the wall and I jumped high off the bed. I gasped, throwing my homework, Jake's letter and my own letter on the floor. My heart started pounding and I stopped breathing when I saw Him. He stood in the doorway, still in his cop uniform. His face was calm and unbothered, but he looked tired...
"You parked on top of the fucking water hose! My fucking water hose!" He barked. The artery in his neck popped out and his pale skin, which I inherited, turned red, sweaty red. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stood up. I think I forgot to breathe and blink. I could feel chills run through my body, shaking me. The right side of my body started to shake. I grabbed my bed sheets trying to stop my shaking...trying to hold myself together. He'll probably just ask you to move your truck, calm down.
"That piece of shit truck of yours is ruining my water hose. You'll fucking move it! I know you will Isabella, because if you don't, I swear to fucking satan that broken hose will meet your fucking skin," he said calmly. I could feel the tears building in my eyes and my lungs burning for air. His calmness was so much more terrifying that his violent outbursts. It gave you a false sense of hope. It's just inhuman. "After you do that, I want a sandwich. Your fucking mother isn't here. That bitch. She found a damn book club! Can you believe that shit? Your mom thinks she can be smart!" He said, chuckling darkly. "She's just like you. So fucking stupid! What the fuck is she gonna know about some damn books? She should be here feeding me! But I'll let her. Can't have people thinking that Chief Swan don't let his wife do nothin'," he said. I didn't move. I was afraid that any movements would set him off. He tapped his foot. With each tap I counted down.
I knew what was coming, my stupid, stupid body didn't move. He stared at me and I stared back. I swear I peed myself a little. I could feel my teeth rattling. I took a deep breath and in that moment he violently went towards me and I didn't scream. I don't scream anymore. I've lost my voice. My throat is dry.
He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me off the bed.
"When the fuck do you plan on moving, Isabella? I'll have to move you like a retarded child!" He barked. I almost lost my footing as he pulled me towards the stairs. Father was 6 foot 6 and I was 5 foot 4. I lost every time. I could feel his rough hands and fingers cutting into my arm as he pulled me down the stairs. It hurt. I'm sure it did. But I wasn't there. I was numb. I let him. It would hurt later. I would replay it later in my mind.
His long legs skipped a few stairs on the way down and my knees felt the pressure when I landed. I didn't dare moan in pain or gasp. He threw me, letting go of my arm and I landed against a kitchen chair hitting my stomach on the edge of it. I winced. He mumbled something and took his boots off, grabbed a beer and sat on his couch. I ran outside, not bothering to put on a jacket or shoes, and with shaky hands, moved my truck.
I ran back inside and made Father a sandwich. No mustard...no mustard...no mustard...no mustard... I took him the sandwich and as he snatched it from my shaky hands I jumped again. I said nothing.
I ran back to my room and this time made sure to lock my door. I stood with my back against it waiting for my heart to slow and for my breathing to return to normal. My shaking stopped. I picked up my stuff off the floor, tear drops hitting the papers like rain drops on the hood of my truck. I grabbed a pamphlet off the floor and stared at it for a long time.
I have to get out of here.
I spent the rest of the night finishing my homework and all my missing assignments. I finished writing my letter to Jacob, not bothering to finish what I was talking about in the earlier paragraph. He ruined it.
I went to bed rethinking what had happened. I played and played and played the same images in my mind. Cursing myself for my lack of self defense and balls! But I didn't cry. I swear I didn't cry.
In the morning, I woke up with a very sore arm. My shoulder was killing me. While I was taking a shower I noticed the now purple bruises on my arm and stomach. They were there, blending in with the others.
I got another bandage for my hand, because the one I had was now black and dirty. I got dressed and put on my long sleeved and extra baggy green sweater before running downstairs. I made sure Father's cruiser wasn't parked outside. It wasn't. I sighed and ran to my truck, trying to avoid my mother. Another sigh.
After dropping my letter to Jake in the mail box, I left for school. When I got there, besides the embarrassment from all the stares I got in the hall, I felt a sense of accomplishment, since I had all my school work done. I grabbed what I needed from my locker for my first few classes. The less I came to my locker, the fewer possibilities there were of bumping into Tanya. I'd rather carry all that heavy stuff around then deal with her.
I turned in all my homework and asked for any missing papers. My teachers for some reason acted really happy when I did that.
Most people ignored me as usual. Others would look at me and then quickly look away. I was thinking about skipping lunch and even English. I didn't want to face Edward. When lunch period arrived, I put my stuff back in my locker. I decided to skip lunch and go to the back building. I had to check if my knife was still there. I had to finish what I was carving, I just had to.
It was a cool day, but dry, as dry as it could get in Washington. After a few minutes of walking outside, the cold started to get to me. I could feel the pain in my cheeks, but I ignored it. I finally made it to my tree and smiled when I found that my knife was still on the ground, buried a little under the dirt. It had small blood stains on it so I wiped it off with a leaf.
I had just started to carve when I heard footsteps. Shit...I'm caught! I quickly put the knife away.
"Bella?" I heard his velvety voice behind the tree. Seriously?
"Bella is that you?" He asked again, and finally found me behind the tree.
I swear Edward Cullen is pure beauty. His flushed cheeks contrasted so beautifully with his green eyes. It emphasized his cheek bones and amazing jaw. Strangely Edward is the only beautiful thing in my life, even though he's so evil.
"Bella what are you doing out here in the freezing cold?" he asked. He was staring at me and he looked upset. Not scary upset like Him. More like mom upset when I'm not wearing a sweater in the cold. "Aren't you cold?" He asked.
"Duh," I said it before I thought about it. I quickly looked away. What does he want? Doesn't he hate me more already? I sort of humiliated him yesterday and he thinks I got him suspended.
I heard him chuckle.
"Well, that is a dumb question," he said lightly. I looked up at him. He smiled at me and I...I didn't smile back. He looked around trying to figure out what I was doing. I hoped he wouldn't notice the tree, but he did. He suddenly stopped his movements.
"Wow," he gasped. He walked over to the tree and ran his fingertips over the carved lines of the drawing. "Bella, you did this?" He asked, shocked. His voice was full of surprise. He examined the tree for a long time. He had his back to me and I took out my knife.
"Hey!" He yelled, a bit scared, as he turned to face me. I rolled my eyes.
"I did it with this," I said and put the knife back into its hole. With my foot, I kicked dirt over it and placed a rock on top. "Are you going to tell on me now?" I asked. He looked confused.
"Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. Maybe because I freaked out on you yesterday and you hate me," I said. Why am I talking? This is the most I've ever talked to Edward and I'm babbling stupid shit. He stayed silent and only stared at me. "I..." I said taking a few steps towards the school.
"No, hey wait!" He said. I stopped.
"What?"
"Quit running away from me. Every time I wanna talk you run away. Stop!" he said running his fingers through his hair. Oh his hair...
"You want to talk to me?" I asked. My voice sounded too surprised and I was embarrassed for a second. He smiled crookedly.
"Yeah...I wanted to apologize about yesterday," he said. Is he serious? "I mean you did freak out a bit, but I understand. I totally grabbed you and invaded your space. That was completely fucked up on my part. I'm sorry Bella," he said. I swear he couldn't have sounded more honest. What the hell?
"Why?" I asked, and he furrowed his eye brows.
"Why what?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"I just want to do what's right."
"You're full of shit, you know?" He widened his eyes and smiled.
"You know Bella, you can be a little tough-ass sometimes. I like that," he chuckled. I rolled my eyes and started to walk away again. "Oh come on Bella! I won't grab you to stop you, but I will scream." I stopped walking.
"Please tell me what you want from me so we can move on!" I said. He chuckled again.
"I told you. I want to apologize."
I huffed.
"You're full of shit."
"You said that already."
"'Cuz you are."
"No, I am not!"
"Yes, you are. You hate me. Why would you apologize to me? You shouldn't care."
"I don't hate you Bella."
"Yes you do."
He huffed.
"What gives you that idea?"
"You've never talked to me in the six years we've been going to school together and now, out of all the times. When you think...when you and your friends think...hate me for what you think..."
"Bella I don't hate you and especially for that I don't. I got a free week off school thanks to you!"
I sighed loudly. He thinks I did snitch on him. I shook my head, but didn't bother to defend myself.
"Bella, I started talking to you because...I think you're...um...uh interesting," he said, and I swear he wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh.
"Please stop there, before I puke."
"It's the honest truth..."
I rolled my eyes again.
"Okay, okay. I needed help with my homework..." I started to walk off again. "But! There is a but!" He begged, and I stopped again.
"Some things happened that, um, I don't…Bella…shit. I just wanna talk to you. I know it's hard to believe me 'cuz I'm such a jackass and all, but look, to make you believe me more, I just wanna talk to you 'cuz you seem like a good listener and I already know some shit about you, like your fear of blood..."
"Who the hell told you?" I angrily cut him off.
"Nobody! Shit, calm down, it was just obvious!" He said. He took a deep breath and started again. "Look, I do need help with my homework. Maybe you could help me and I can help you."
I wanted to believe him.
"And, if you help me I can help you with other shit that has nothing to do with grades."
"Like what?" I asked. I can't believe I was actually considering this!
"I know you aren't the most liked girl by Tanya and her fucking bitch-faced hound dogs," he said. Hound dogs? That's clever. Wish I would have thought of that first. Bastard.
"And some people, like my friends...don't like you either."
"Jeez, thanks."
"Hold on Bella, shit, give me a chance," he said. So I stayed quiet. "I can get them off your back. They listen to me. They think of me like some sort of god or some shit."
I huffed.
"I know they're fucking lame ass pussies, but I can convince them that they need to get off your back."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Cuz I need help, and you need it too. Besides, we have English together and I'm sort of failing it. I need it to graduate. You seem like you know what the fuck you're doing in there so..."
"Um..."
"I swear I'm honest. I just... I would rather no one knew about our arrangement though," he finished.
Hmm… maybe he is telling the truth. He wants to pretend he doesn't know me. Hmm...sounds like his cynical self. He, Edward pretty boy Cullen, can't be seen with the Swan.
"You swear the Whore Gang won't ever touch me?" I asked. He chuckled.
"Swear it on my grades! I need to graduate Bella! Please help me!" He said, and gave me a sad face. He looked like a damn five year old.
"Where would we have these 'study sessions'?" I asked, signaling the quotation marks with my fingers.
"In the library, out here, after school, anywhere," he said.
"And you swear to god you will protect me from the Whore Gang and your little friends?"
"I swear it!" He said, crossing his heart with his fingers. This could help me be safe and actually get my work done.
"What subjects?"
"All of them except math. I got that shit down."
"Good, 'cuz I hate math," I said. It felt weird talking about myself with Edward. He smiled again.
"See, this is already working. I'll help you with math. We got each other!" He said, chuckling. I tried to return his smile, but just couldn't. I'm actually trusting Edward.
"When?" I asked.
"Next week, after school. I've got some shit I have to do for the rest of this week. But next week for sure."
We said our goodbyes, a little head nod and hand wave. Very awkward.
Edward went the rest of the week pretending I didn't exist. We only talked in English for our project. But on Friday he was sure to remind me of our after school session on Monday.
On Monday morning I remembered that Rosalie would be back at school. Even though Edward had promised me he would protect me from harm, I was worried. I wasn't going to take risks until I had a chance to get more comfortable with the idea that he could keep her away from me. So I skipped gym, which was the only class I had with Rosalie, and avoided going to my locker at all costs. I made my own lunch, so I could eat outside. After English, Edward told me he would wait for me in the library.
I couldn't avoid my locker forever, so I tried to be as fast as I could. With shaky hands that my clumsiness only made worse, I put all my stuff in my locker and grabbed by backpack. I made my way to the library, not knowing what to expect from this awkward situation I found myself in. I never stopped to think about the fact that Edward had never been a bad student. Why would he need study sessions? And with me? I mean I know the stuff, I just never do it.
Maybe he has been slacking off. He thinks you're a nerd. Everybody thinks you're a nerd. It works. You'll be safe. Just use him.
The halls were empty, except for the one or two nerds that would hang out after school to kiss some teacher's ass. I was almost to the library when I heard high heels. Shit...he promised.
They whistled at me. "Hey sexy bitch!" Rosalie called out. Her voice was so evil. It was like a knife cutting my ear drums, making me bleed...bleed.
"Shake that ass!" Lauren said as she followed. I just continued to walk. My short legs needed to hurry.
"Hmm, I think our bestie is ignoring us Rose," Jessica continued. The high heels got louder and closer, until I had Jessica and Lauren on either side of me. Tanya walked behind me and Rosalie walked in front. She started walking backwards, facing me.
"Why are you ignoring us bestie? You're hurting our feelings baby," Rosalie whispered. A chill ran down my back. My heart was pounding, but I kept walking and looking down, avoiding her face. "Didn't you miss me amiga? I know I did," she said. She suddenly stopped walking, and I bumped into her. "Bestie I don't want to fight, why are you pushing me? Girls!" Lauren and Jessica started fiddling with my hair.
"We should take you to get a haircut and a makeover, if you wanna be our hot fifth wheel. You gotta look hot bitch!" Jessica said. Tanya started messing with the top of my head.
"Yeah, bestie...and you ain't lookin' too hot right now!" Tanya said. They all giggled. I wanted them to stop touching me! I could feel myself breaking into a cold sweat and I was starting to shake.
"What's the matter baby?" Rosalie asked, with a fake look of worry. "You scared? I don't bite."
"Well I do and it fucking hurts like a motherfucker!"
Rosalie turned around to see Edward looking down at her. "Ed get the fuck away!" Rosalie yelled and turned back to me.
"No, you and your gang of bitches need to get the fuck away from Bella!" He said. I swear I wanted to kiss him (out of gratitude). He was keeping his word.
"What's gotten into you?" Tanya yelled.
"Just ignore him, Tanya. Edward's feeling like Mother Theresa today! Let's go," Rosalie said. She winked at me and walked away with her gang. I kept looking down. Edward slowly walked up to me. He said nothing for a long moment. I thanked him for it.
"You alright Bella?" He finally asked, softly. I just nodded, biting into my lower lip. "You wanna go home instead? We'll do this tomorrow," he said, nicely. I just nodded. "I'll walk you to your truck," he said. I nodded again. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face.
Thank him!
On the way to my truck, we said nothing. The only sounds came from the light rain hitting the ground and our footsteps. We walked together, but he kept his distance, probably trying to keep his reputation intact. I could still smell him though. Hmm…
My damn truck didn't want to start. Really, could my luck get any worse? I don't know anything about fixing it and Father wouldn't help. He would make me walk. Edward offered to look at it. He stared at the inside of the hood for a while and moved some wires around.
"Hmm..." He ran a finger under his chin. "It's a simple fix. I'll bring the missing part tomorrow. We have a bunch of these at my house."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah Bella."
"But, how am I going to get home? And how am I going to pay you to fix it?"
"Don't worry, it's on me, and I um…" He paused, sighed, and then looked at me again. "I could give you a ride?" He shrugged.
"What?"
"A ride Bella, you know, you get in my car and I take you there. I'll bring you to school in the morning too. Unless you have a better idea that doesn't involve walking?" He chuckled.
"No, um, I don't have any ideas," I said.
"So how about it?" he smiled crookedly.
He's just giving you a ride. He isn't going to hit you!
I've never been alone in car with a guy before, besides Jake.
Oh come on. You know you wanna ride in his stupid Volvo. Besides its too damn cold to walk and Charles aka Father isn't home yet.
"Um...uh..."
Just say it damn it.
Edward looked at me, waiting for my answer. "I um...uh...ok," I gulped. "I'll accept your ride."
He smiled and slammed my truck's hood back down.