The Voice That Made Me Cry
She had been careless; not with one delicate man-but with two; and right now the only thing she needed was a good defense. There was nothing she could possibly say now, nothing she could refute as lies as she was guilty of all the crimes they now thought her capable of committing- without ever seeking a confessional. A trial would not have even been necessary; it would have only prolonged the inevitableness of it all. She was guilty; she had been a horribly, horribly bad girl. Her shame made the realization painfully obvious- it was a sad world indeed when she would choose to break them just because she could.
Desperately she had fled the Common grounds- trying with all her will to put as much distance between her self and the one man she knew would be following behind. She knew the dark man would surely be perusing, not for one second did she think she might actually make her escape. Without a doubt she knew the cloaked Leviathan would catch her and when he did, she would find her self at the mercy of vengeance- draped appropriately in black woolen cloth. Though she could not hear them she knew his footfalls were gaining and he was bringing her the remains of her tainted life- personally delivering the consequences at hand. Sinning against the only man who had ever taught her what she knew of love was going to be difficult to survive. Retribution would not be kind or swift; he would find a way to make her pay penance for all her evil deeds. After all this man had been her advocatus diaboli, her personal devil's advocate- he knew exactly what she was and what she had done. She was one of God's own mistakes.
In complete defeat she knew, her penance would be great indeed. That stark realization stopped her, dead in her tracks and now behind her she could hear him, boots pounding against the Earth constantly gaining ground on his prey. Surveying her surroundings she realized quickly there was no way back, all she could do now was go forward- and that option didn't look very promising at all. Directly before her was the veil of dense foliage that separated the School grounds from the Forbidden Forest- it hung heavy, vines upon vines entwined together creating an almost solid curtain dividing this world and the next. Bitterly tasting her defeat she quickly parted the veil and slipped for the slightest of moments from his sight
Silence immediately descended upon the grove of Yews she found her self within, nothing other than the breathing of the trees could be heard. Seeking shelter from beneath the largest timber she sank towards the forest floor to watch and to wait. However as fate would have it, the reprieve had not lasted near long enough.
Once again the veil was abruptly parted and he stormed through the ivy canopy- his wand held before him at the ready, his face contorted almost beyond recognition. Not one word found its way past his lips and it had been then when she realized she had done more damage than she thought herself able to inflict. It was a sad world indeed. Before her towered a wounded animal caught some where between fight or flight. It was obvious then he was shattered and she had thrown the stone, which had in turn broken his glass facade.
Stolid obsidian eyes searched her face until he locked firmly upon her gaze. Suddenly without so much as one word or movement of his lips he ripped inside her mind and allowed her to live his actual torment.
Dropping her hands to the dirt she drug her fingers through the soil as out poured all his sorrow and she became painfully aware of what she had done. The sadness seeped into her blood and began coursing through every vein until finally it reached her ears and she could hear his internal raging. Crawling against his agony- she struggled to find him-clutched at his robes, pleading for mercy and forgiveness; but knew all the while absolution would not come quickly. First she would have to suffer. Closing her eyes she continued pleading for his assault to stop, to release her from her well deserved Hell as she was a coward and could not face her demons as he so did. For in an absolute truth she knew she was not a noble creature, despite what she so desperately wanted the rest of the world to believe.
Dreadful moments stretched into minutes before finally he released her mind, dropping his wand to his side, slowly closing his eyes sealing them against her sight. Beneath him she held tight against his robes and he had been unable to move without fear she would collapse in his absence. Reluctantly he unclenched his eyes, dropping his gaze until finally seeing her and it was then he knew he had gone too far- once again. Across the ground she knelt as if seeking absolution; her face hovering just above his muddied boot, her hair a curtain of shimmering silver obscuring the black.
It had been that one act of contrition that had been his undoing, until that moment he had been certain of what he would do, of what he would say and how he would leave; but now seeing her as he did, praying at his feet as if he were a deity- struck him with absolute astonishment. He had been completely unprepared to see an angel weep at his feet as if begging re-entry to the Heavens. That had been his undoing; when he suddenly realized she thought he could save her from even her self. Silently he willed his mind to still and with pale shaking hands, he reached down for her only stopping when he curled his fingers beneath her chin. Dropping to his knees, forcing her face towards his own he ran his thumb across her lips as if trying to seal her secrets deep inside forever. There was nothing he was interested in hearing- there was nothing she could say that would make her actions justified or forgiven. Angelic eyes had once again forsaken him and sought redemption from another savior. Mesmerized he watched as dirty tears continued their path down her face contrasting harshly against the porcelain he knew that lay beneath. With no prior intent he sought her face and immediately began to wipe away the soured stains of her sins until he could once again see clearly inside her eyes. That one unintentional reaction to her suffering told him all he would ever need to know- he had no misgivings about the ability to hurt her but the lover within him could not bare to see her suffer. Initially there had been no intention of forgiving but suddenly he knew at that moment he would not live without her. Yet again he had fallen in love with a woman he would be forced to share. There just wasn't much justice in the world.
In absolute exacting deliberation he broke the stillness, his words low, heavy with defeat. "What would an angel say that the devil could possibly want to know?"
Even then, looking through her swollen eyes she did not see the devil but saw before her a saint- a man being turned into the sea for daring to believe. She had failed him too, like so many others in so many ways and the fallen look etched across his face told the story all its own. There were no excuses; all that remained was bitter honesty.
"Nothing…"
He refused her when she tried to drop her chin; she would face him if nothing else. "It's just as well, I'm no priest. I'd prefer to not hear your confession- I refuse to suffer the words of love for another man."
This time she said nothing, she could not deny his accusations.
It had been her silence that had so intrigued him, her eyes cast down and penitent- nothing short of an angel admitting to the Almighty they once sought favor from the Morning Star. Suddenly he was overcome with the scent of guilt and he could actually taste her acquiescence. There would be no war in the Heavens this night as she would not do him the injustice of lying. She was guilty and her silence admitted what she could not say. Softly he spoke, his words hovering inches from her lips. "I thought you once an angel, so high on a pedestal any fall from grace would surely kill us both. Now look at what you have done and what I am willing to become just to keep you." He knew precisely what he was saying, knew all to well the feeling of loosing one's pride and self respect- that sentiment wasn't foreign to him at all.
With shaking hands he cradled her face pulling her to stand as he did, never once loosing his grasp- mentally ensuring him self she could not break free. Skillfully he stepped closer forcing her to press against the Yew's peeling husk, hoping only slightly it didn't hurt. Reaching around her shoulders he rested his hands on either side and leaned forward until she was wedged firmly against his person. Saner thoughts fled his mind as he brushed his lips across her cheek, down her neck nipping all the while at the exposed flesh. As tenderly as he knew how he began to caress her features, sliding one hand across her shoulder, down her throat, lingering against the features of her breast- traveling lower to end circled around her waist. Pulling her closer he could feel her chest rising, the swell of her breast pressing against his own and in that moment, he thought perhaps she could be forgiven. Angel or demon, it did not matter anymore- he had literally come undone. Reluctantly he spoke, whispering against her ear. "There are rules to self preservation and you must learn them. Never speak his name, never say you love him and never leave his company before coming to mine. I will not tolerate his stench should it linger." They had not been kind words but they were honest words- they were the rules that now dictated their lives.
Within her hazy mind his words became clearer and she began to understand the real furry- it wasn't so much what she had done, but whom she had done it with. It was obvious now, he felt bested once again by a man he did not think worthy of existing. Now she understood his rage, she was dirty; stained by that mans touch. Porcelain no more to be certain and yet, he was not going to make her choose. In front of her was a paradox, a completely complicated man that held firmly to such simple rules of self-preservation. As long as she loved him best, needed him the most, he would allow her to keep a tiny place within her heart for another man, even if he hated that other man.
As if seeking absolution she brushed her lips across his and it was then he knew she accepted his offering; that she fully understood all his conditions. Suddenly there became a very tangible shift in the air between them as if they had both simultaneously reached a conclusion only hinted at before. Their respective positions were now very clear, each knowing precisely all the fixed boundaries and all of the rules of play. He knew what he wanted and what he was willing to do in order to keep it-and what he wanted most of all was another fallen Lilith-one he just might stand the chance of actually saving. Propinquity had finally ended its mocking and sent to him a second chance.
Leaning closer pressing firmly against his mouth she could feel his lips soften to her touch and he allowed them to part, giving her permission to slide inside the warmth of his mouth. Against her back she felt his hands slide against her form, his fingers curling in to her skin- clutching her tighter against his body. Pressing against her hip she could feel his arousal and knew then he needed tangible proof of her allegiance to only him. The man before her needed to know that only he would reign supreme within the chambers of her heart- only he could ever save her. There was nothing she could say to him; he did not desire her words- only her body could pay her way across the river Styx this night. It was obvious the boatman was in no need of gold, he would take his payment in other ways and claim her body as his own- he would know her in a way no other man could.
The moment he felt her tongue graze the surface of his own, he pulled her inside his embrace- entombing her within a shroud of black, essentially burying her forever within his soul. There was no escape, not from her or the life once again he would be forced to live. All in the world he wanted was her and any price he would have to pay would be nothing to the suffering he would endure without her. At that moment he needed her, needed to feel inside her- feel her warmth surrounding him, share the exquisite bliss of union. Keeping one hand wound beneath her waist he slid his other down her side until finding the soft skin he so desperately sought beneath her skirt. Bunching the fabric he pulled until his hand found its way unencumbered to explore her velvet folds. He sensed her sigh more than heard it, a slow vibration traveled through her body until finally escaping her lips- her head tilting back as if granting him permission to continue his assault. Once again she understood him much more so than he ever would- it was then he had been certain he would kill them both before ever loosing her to another. Finding soft flesh beneath his lips he bit until his mouth covered her throat sucking the salt from her skin all the while driving his fingers madly between her thighs until he could feel her arousal drip from his hands.
Desperately he released his need and forced his way between her legs only ending his pursuit once he felt her adequately impaled. With quick harsh movements he drove further inside her heat though never once releasing his teeth from around her throat. He could taste her satisfaction as her escaping words vibrated against his lips sending almost silent sighs into the still air. Suddenly he was aware her hands now cradled his head- delicate fingers wound within his hair, forcing his mouth to release and continue its assault down her breast. Quickly his hands clutched the fabric and without words of magic he ripped her shirt finally exposing the skin he so desperately craved. The actual utter contrast of porcelain veiled beneath black had been his undoing. With casual disregard to consequence he finally erupted and emptied not only his seed but all his sorrow as well. From that moment forward there had been no going back – all that remained had been given over to fate and her sick sense of justice. My-oh-my, her will be done.
Slowly her voice traveled to his ears and the sound of her words had made him weep. It hadn't been the actual words as he was unsure of what she was saying- it was the cadence, the smooth rhythmic way she breathlessly delivered her speech. Gathering his senses he lifted his head until once again he stared blankly into the face of angel who had delivered him from the depths of Hell. Suddenly he was well aware of an ache twisting and turning inside his chest as he began to register and comprehend her mournful lament. Thinly veiled, laced between tender exhales were the sentiments he never wanted to hear leave her lips. Her words were as toxic and tangible as she was- it was her fare the well to innocence.
She was tearing him apart, ripping out his heart and playing with it in front of his eyes. Wincing against the reality of what she was saying he dropped to his knees and clutched his head trying to drown the sound before the meaning could wound any deeper. Without ever meeting his eyes she continued, spewing forth the death of innocence at his hand- making sure he understood he was just another one of her mistakes. She was killing him- methodically slicing away at his soul leaving only a hollow empty shell.
Not until she had finished saying all the things she had never spoken allowed did she finally look to him. Tilting her head only slightly her eyes fell upon the man weeping at her feet and suddenly she became aware of the contrasting juxtapositions of only a few moments ago. It had now become her turn to save him and despite what he had taken from her she could watch him suffer no longer. She could never tell this man goodbye even though it was likely the sensible and uncomplicated thing to do. Loving this man would forever bring unending chaos- he would never completely let her in or ever completely let her go. Knowing she was lost she ran her fingers though his limp hair until it settled flush against his cheek, lifting his face until she could find his eyes and her voice once again.
"We are a mistake and we both know this."
His lips barely moved as he answered. "Indeed we are."
"And yet…"
"Tell me." He needed her to finish- to finally deliver the fatal wound and put an end to the mockery.
"And yet- I could never leave."
With those words he sensed the turning of the world slow ever so slightly and for the briefest of moments he felt like one of the few forever blessed with lucky sevens. Her voice once again brought him to tears as he slowly came to understand her intent. She was not leaving- not today or any day that followed. It was obvious to him then, she was equally as addicted to their mutual tragedy as he was and this revelation had been complete bliss. Taking her hand he placed his lips within her open palm sealing his love forever within her grasp- literally and quite figuratively. Closing his eyes, sealing them against the memory of bitter words he drank in her promise- he would never have to hear her song to say goodbye.