Again thanks to you who review. It really makes me write faster. I love reviews, I get all excited and silly, so keep them coming.
Enough of my blabber, here is Eddie.
Thanks to lizde for looking over this chapter! You're awesome.
Ch 8/Edward/Open Doors
"I'm not doing it anymore!" I yelled. It was the third time I had said it. Rosalie and the guys wouldn't give up and it was pissing me off.
"How can you just give up like that?" Rosalie asked, while sitting on Emmett's lap.
I had decided to watch TV in the living room with Alice. I thought maybe I would be able to spend some quality time with my little sister, but fucking Emmett had to bring his evil girlfriend and her brother. The Edward and Alice bonding moment had turned into a "why Ed doesn't wanna' fuck Bella anymore" meeting.
"Just because she freaked you out? I mean she freaks everyone out," Rosalie continued "I thought we had a deal, plan, bet, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. The whole point was to get back at Isabella for what she did to us. Or have you forgotten how your mother acted and looked after you once again got caught with drugs?"
"Of course I haven't forgotten! But fuck, this shit isn't easy!" I spat. Rose had to bring my fucking mother into this. Rose is a fucking bitch.
"Since when is it difficult for Edward 'I'll fuck everything that moves' Cullen to convince a girl that he loves her and bang her?"
"First of all, I've never told anybody that I loved them, and second… I really don't think I've ever had a girlfriend," I said, after thinking about it and scratching my head. I laughed and so did Jasper and Emmett.
"Dude, now that I think about it, you've never had a girlfriend. That's so fucking weird for you man! Especially considering you get more pussy that me," Emmett said, laughing. Rosalie slapped his arm.
"You fucking loner. All you've had are fuck buddies. I used to envy you," Jasper said, as he quickly turned to Alice. "But now I feel sorry for you." He smiled at Alice, kissing her hand. I rolled my eyes.
"What about Tanya?" Rosalie asked, and all of us guys laughed again. I didn't feel bad that she happened to be Rosalie's best friend.
"Oh Tanya, umm, I've never had a 'date' with her, but…" I didn't finish because I don't kiss and tell… sort of.
"Ugh! You're such a man-whore! Mother of… is this why you're giving up?" Rosalie asked and I sighed loudly.
"I'm not giving up. I'm just facing reality. Bella has some serious issues and she doesn't trust me. Every time I try to make conversation with her she fucking blows me off and runs away."
"Well how do you expect her to automatically fall in love with you Edward?" Alice finally spoke. Every time Bella was brought up in a conversation, she would say nothing and look guilty as hell, as if she was the one lying to Bella. "All of you! How do you expect her to fall in love with Edward, when he out of all… except Rosalie… out of all of us, has treated her the worst!"
"No I haven't!" I felt insulted.
"Yes, you have. In the eighth grade you taped a note on her back that said 'freak' and everyone laughed at her. In tenth grade you stole her homework. I was right there when you did it, you just didn't see me."
"I did do that?" I asked, and Emmett and Jasper chuckled.
"Yes! You've called her names. One time you accidently pushed her in the hall, it was totally your fault, but you barked at her. You should've seen her face. She was so scared of you," Alice said sadly. "But off course you didn't notice and walked away without apologizing to her or helping her pick her stuff up off the ground. How can she trust you now and especially fall in love with you? That doesn't just happen. It doesn't matter if you're handsome or charming. That girl isn't stupid," Alice said.
I automatically pushed away all the feelings of guilt and sadness for Bella. I actually did those things? You shouldn't feel sorry. It isn't your fault fucking Swan is weak and pathetic. Besides it was your duty to be fucked up towards to her. She's a freak!
"Bro, you are a douche," Emmett said, still chuckling.
"Fuck you!" I yelled. But I am. I'm a fucking piece of shit.
"As much as Alice is trying to defend Isabella, once again…" Rosalie said, as Alice rolled her eyes at her, "Alice has given me an idea…"
"Ugh, no more ideas," I moaned. I lay back on the couch.
"Let me remind you of a few things. Remember Ben's party a few years ago, when you got arrested for having coke on you?"
"Nah, I forget the time I spent in juvie for that shit and that Carlisle and Esme almost sent me away to military school! Of course I fucking remember!"
"Well guess who sent those police officers to the party? Charles Swan, Chief of fucking Police. Remember when they arrested Tyler at school for selling coke and weed and now he's in a jail?"
"Hell yeah. Tyler was a good friend," Emmett said. I nodded in agreement.
"Well, Chief Swan arrested him personally. That jackass is always doing shit to us and nobody ever gets back at him. His daughter followed in his footsteps and got us caught. She probably did it thinking she could get back at us, but that shit isn't going to happen. You're our only hope for payback Edward."
"I just…"
"Edward, just think of what your mom thinks of you now. She wouldn't have known if it wasn't for Swan. I'll double the money. If you do it before prom I'll give you the money everyone else is betting and then some, but if you do it by prom it'll be less," Rosalie said, smiling. I said nothing.
"But another part of the deal is that for right now, you keep your seducing low key, because I don't want Tanya pissed at me. Besides, I doubt you want people to see you with Swan."
How fucked up did she think I was?
You've told yourself this! Yeah, but that was me. Someone else saying it makes me sound like a damn dog.
"It would be a bigger deal if out nowhere people find out that you fucked Bella! Imagine the shock at school. Nobody would have seen it coming," Rosalie laughed.
She started telling me her plan, which was supposedly inspired by Alice, while Alice tried to defend herself and Bella. The plan was for me to make myself look like a hero to Bella. That way Bella would trust me. She would feel comfortable with me and let me talk to her, and in turn she would confide in me. It seemed like a smart plan so I just went along with it.
What the fuck did I have to lose? What's the point of doubting the reasons behind all of this? I'm already a shitty person and maybe this will distract me from my weird depression. I'm fucking bored out of my fucking mind.
Dinner with my family started out silent. Carlisle and Esme started a steady conversation with Emmett and Alice about graduation and college. Alice was a junior, but she was so far ahead that she would graduate with us. She wanted to go to New York to some fashion school and maybe get a job at some magazine she had been e-mailing. Jasper apparently was going to New York too, so it worked out. Emmett wanted to go to California. He had already applied at some colleges there. They both agreed that it would be cool to take a trip before going off to school.
I didn't say anything. I didn't have any plans. I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do. I thought of maybe getting a shitty job during the summer while I tried to figure it out. I know I'm not going anywhere with my fucking attitude, but I can't help it. I'm just not feeling enthused about anything. I feel like a complete failure and I'm only eighteen.
I left the dinner table without saying anything and nobody tried to stop me. They knew me too well. Sometimes I wish they would stop me. But then I know I'm being a fucking whiny-ass teenage bitch demanding attention.
I can't talk to my parents about what the fuck is going on with me because they would just lecture me. Alice would give me her positive bullshit, Jasper is busy with her, and Emmett would just tease me. So I just keep it to myself.
I didn't go to the meadow, because I was too damn lazy and I was out of weed. I didn't write, because I was tired of bitching to my journal and I had nothing new to say. The TV was full of shit and I'm tired of my own music. I fell asleep out of boredom.
The next morning I woke up with a headache and a bad mood. It was fucking cold as a mother fucker and my balls were frozen. I didn't want to face school today, especially after yesterday's bullshit, but I still went. I didn't want to deal with my mother.
I didn't see Bella all day. I usually see her tripping on something or rushing to class. Her ugly ass truck was outside, so I didn't doubt that she was there. She was probably hiding from me. I don't blame her.
Lunch came around and I was about to walk to the cafeteria when I finally saw Bella. She was sneaking out to the back building. It was her; I recognized her damn long sleeved green sweater. And though I don't give a shit, I know that damn sweater isn't warm enough. I was about to follow her out when Tanya stopped me. She took my hand and led me to the cafeteria.
I fucking hate it when people force me into things.
I sat with her for a while, making plans for the weekend. She invited me to some party next weekend. Apparently Mike was throwing a big party. The motherfucker hadn't invited me yet. He would though; I knew that piece of fuck. Tanya's hound dogs finally got to the table, and I left without saying goodbye. On my way out, I bumped into Mike, who of course invited me to the damn party. It took a while, but I finally made it to the back of the building.
Bella was nowhere to be found. I looked around until I saw the fence door was open a little. It led out to the woods. What the fuck was she doing out there? I walked for a few minutes through the back of the school. The cold was fucking burning my cheeks and my hands were freezing. I swear I could feel my balls cracking through my jeans. I made it to the outside of the fence and walked for a few minutes until I noticed movement. I swear it would've freaked me out if I hadn't seen that damn green sweater.
Bella.
"Bella?" I asked, and I heard her feet crushing leaves. I smiled to myself. Time to act.
"Bella is that you?" I asked, and I finally caught her behind a tree. She stood up and froze, looking guilty as fuck. What the fuck did she do? She stared at me and for a moment and I swear it seemed like she was looking at me adoringly, but she quickly returned to her bitch face, which I deserve. Her cheeks were red from the cold and she kept sniffing.
What the hell was she doing in the cold? This dumbass is gonna get sick!
"Bella what are you doing out here in the freezing cold?" There had to be a sensible answer to this! "Aren't you cold?"
"Duh." She looked surprised by her own answer. I laughed. That was really unexpected. She quickly looked down at her feet. I wish Bella wouldn't do that. It's so hard to see her. It's difficult to know what the fuck is up with her.
Well, I guess that's why she does it.
Shit... I do that too.
"Well, that is a dumb question," I said and she just bit into her lip, still looking guilty as fuck. I looked around trying to find what had her so nervous. Did she finally have enough and kill someone? Shit, is she going to kill me for what I've done?
In the corner of my eye I saw her eyeing the tree that was behind me. I turned around and I swear it fucking struck me so fucking hard I had to take a step back, but I had to keep my cool and pretend it wasn't that cool...
"Wow..." I gasped.
In the middle of the tree, there was a carved picture. A little girl, with her back to the viewer, held her hands behind her back and stood in front of a house on fire. The fire came out of the windows and the girl carried a book behind her back that seemed to be a little burnt, she even got the detail on that. The wind was blowing her hair while she stared at the fire. The brownish red color of the tree helped the effect of the fire.
The book had the title carved in it. Love is a Place.
I ran my finger tips over the title of the book. I didn't understand.
"Bella, you did this?" My voice, for some reason, sounded doubtful. I'm such an ass. I stared at the tree a little longer. I couldn't pull away. In a way it was disturbing, but I felt maybe I could see a little Bella in this since she won't open up to me. I decided to face her and when I did, I almost wet my pants.
Bella had a big ass knife in her hand and she was just casually pointing it at me. I gulped.
"Hey!" I managed to yell.
Yes, because Bella is a murderer! You fucking douche!
You never know!
Bella rolled her eyes.
"I did it with this," she said. She closed the knife and threw it into a hole in the ground, covering it with dirt and a rock.
She asked if I was going to tell on her. I was a bit insulted at her assumption. No Bella, because I am not like you! She said something about thinking I would do it on purpose because I was freaked out by her and because I hate her.
I don't hate Bella.
What? I don't hate her? Then, what the fuck? I don't know. It's impossible to hate Bella, even if she did tell on me... little snitch. I look at her and all I wanna do is fucking tell her to man up and grow some balls. She's always making herself small and insignificant looking. I didn't say anything. I realized that it bothered me that Bella thought I hated her. Why should it bother me?
Maybe because you can't convince her to fuck you if she hates you?
She seemed annoyed by my silence and started to walk away.
I fucking hate it when she does this shit. Fucking face me!
I stopped her by threatening to yell. I told her some bullshit about wanting to apologize to her for the fuckery I made yesterday, which I meant in a way. She looked like she was considering my honesty, but then decided against it and started to walk away again. She told me I was full of shit. It caught me off guard. I was never told that by girls when I was being "nice" to them.
Bella made me proud.
Again, she made it clear that she thought I hated her. It was fucking frustrating. She then reminded me that we've been going to school together for a long-ass time and I've always acted like an ass. Seriously, women have great memories, 'cuz shit, I can't remember this.
We finally made it to the part of the conversation that Rosalie had planned. I never thought this would be so fucking difficult.
Swan, according to Rosalie, is a scared little duck. She's afraid Rosalie and Tanya are going to kick her ass, which according to Rosalie they will one day. But Rosalie thought it would be smarter to play with Bella. That evil bitch.
I asked Bella for help with my studies. I didn't fucking need it, I was a straight "A" student, but Rosalie said that something as innocent as studying wouldn't look suspicious. I could make Bella spend time with me and charm her panties off. I doubted Bella would help me, but offering Bella protection against Rosalie and Tanya and everyone else that bothered her seemed like a genius proposition. Bella would be fucking stupid to say no.
Bella turned serious and looked as if she was actually considering it. I was fucking winning.
"Um..." she seemed confused and doubtful. I had to say something before she changed her mind.
"I swear I'm honest. I just... I would rather no one knew about our arrangement though." It sounded like me, she had to believe me.
"You swear the Whore Gang won't ever touch me?" She asked and I laughed. I fucking love it when she calls them that. It kinda' made me wish I had come up with it.
She agreed and told me she needed help with math, which I hated, but knew how to do. I lied and said I needed help with English. Shit, I had that shit down, but I could just slack off a bit and have Bella help me, and if she was wrong I could do it myself. It would be easy.
I told her we'd start next week. I just didn't mention that Rosalie would come back to school that same week.
I ignored Bella for the rest of the week. I didn't have the energy to try and talk to her. She always ended up pissing me off anyway. I needed to save my strength for later. She didn't seem like she cared either. She kept skipping lunch and seemed to hide between periods. I never saw her. She kept drawing during class, ignoring that our seating arrangement (which still consisted of her sitting in front of me and Angela to our side) had me a few inches away from her. The damn project was over on Friday and after class, with a friendly smile, I reminded Bella of our tutoring session after school on Monday. She just nodded. I hoped she wasn't changing her mind, because this was the farthest I'd gotten with Bella and I'd be damned if it didn't work.
The weekend was bullshit.
The guys decided to hang at Jasper's basement, since his parents were away on "business." Typical douche bag parents. We smoked weed and played a little Guitar Hero, which on weed is so much better with so many flying colors! We did a lot of nothing, until the girls came back from shopping. Alice could win a damn medal if shopping was a fucking sport. Carlisle would be pissed again. She probably blew a few thousand.
We drank a lot of booze too. Tanya, who even after a few beers was still annoying as fuck, kept hanging on my fucking neck and sitting in my lap as if I was her fucking boyfriend or some shit. She kept rubbing her ass on my dick and though I fucking hate Tanya, my dick appreciated it and welcomed her ass with a smile on its fucking face.
"Baby, let's go somewhere..." she whispered in my ear. I could smell the beer on her fucking breath. I just nodded and followed her to a random room. I swear I hate her smell. She smells like fucking fagjuice. She shoved me down on a bed and began licking my ear and my neck.
What's wrong with me? Besides being completely fucked up on booze and weed, I felt dead. Not my dick of course, it was hard as a rock and begging to be free. The fucker couldn't wait. But there was no part of my mind involved and no emotion. I even lost the cocky swagger that I always get during sex, when the girl... whatever girl... starts moaning and calling my name out with passion. It hardens my ego and my dick. But as of late... I just do shit to do it. There's nothing behind my reasons.
Like fucking with Bella's mind.
Like fucking Tanya.
I'm tired of this shithole I call my fucking life. I gotta get out of here. It's as if even sex has lost its point. I just lay there and let Tanya have her way with me. I'm fucking pathetic. I'm an empty carcass. Well an empty carcass with a hard dick... but that's just fucked up and disgusting.
I have no emotions and no feelings... well I've never had those... but damn... I need something. I'm tired of feeling this bullshit and I'm tired trying to find meaning in shit. Everyone is fucking stupid, fake and soulless. Yeah, I think I'm better than most people. Get the fuck over it.
After we both had our orgasm, Tanya fell asleep. I fucking sat up quick when I heard her snore lowly. I don't want her to think this is cuddle time with Eddiepooh. Fuck that shit, I don't do that. I got dressed. I was still fucking high and drunk. I tripped a few times and yelped when I hit my toe on the fucking bed. That shit hurt like a motherfucker. I said some profane words under my breath... I almost fucking cried. I put on my shoes and left like there was no tomorrow. Tanya is so uncomfortable and so suffocating.
I walked outside Jasper and Rosalie's house and sat on the front lawn. Yep, I was still very fucked up. I burped and got a little nauseated. Good thing I was outside. Just in case I decided to puke, I had the lawn to decorate. It was a cool night, and it was helping my disgust. I stared at the ground like a damn homeless person until I felt someone sit next to me.
"Hey Edward." Damn Alice, she looked sober and healthy. I envy her.
"Shit Alice, can't you not have fun for one damn night!" I said. Hopefully she understood. I think I slurred more than half of the sentence.
"If by having fun you mean getting completely fucked and disgusting, than I'm sorry I'm boring. I prefer it that way. Besides, I had one beer. Is that not cool enough for you Edward Cullen?" She said. Though I'd prefer she didn't speak with her high pitched voice, I had to laugh at her comment.
"Wow! Party animal!" I said, fisting the air between us. She just rolled her eyes.
"What's wrong with you Edward?"
"I'm wasted, fucked up, drunk, shitfaced... um... should I go on."
"I don't mean that. I can smell that on you already. I mean as of late. I mean you're always a depressed emo asshole, but lately you seem zoned out more than usual." My sister knew me too well and it was fucking annoying sometimes.
"I don't know what you're talking about..."
"Bullshit! I know you. I thought you being drunk would help me get some information out of you, but I guess I was wrong."
"I guess you don't know me after all. Just fuck off Alice, I'll be alright. Go back to Jasper," I said. She pushed me and I was so fucked up I fell on my side.
"Whatever Edward! One day you'll see the damn light and quit being such a jerk. But karma is a bitch; a bigger bitch than Tanya. Whoever helps you see is then going to make you so miserable it'll kill you if you don't change your damn ways! That person is going to make you pay. Talk to me! Talk to someone before it's too damn late."
She walked off and I stayed on the ground. I don't how long I stayed there, but I didn't have the heart to move.
"I'm just so alone Alice," I whispered to the wind.
Monday morning came in a hurry. We were running late, as we had planned, but at this rate we would we be in deep shit if we didn't make it soon. Emmett and I had to rush to school to start Rosalie's plan. Alice didn't want to take part in it so she took her own car and promised Emmett a ride later. I needed my Volvo to myself after school.
When we got to the school parking lot we were late, as we had planned. The lot was free of students and Bella's truck was all by its lonesome in a corner of the lot. For loner Bella that made sense.
Emmett broke into Bella's truck. Don't ask me where Carlisle and Esme found him, I'm just glad they did. But besides his car-jacking expertise, he's just a fucking giant ass teddy bear with a bitch of a girlfriend. I sometimes want to punch my brother in the fucking gut for being such a whipped pussy.
"You take this and unlock it and then you take the band," Emmett said. I really didn't understand the rest because he used car terms. I could be the manliest man in the world, Tanya and half of the Forks High School's female population would tell you that I am, but I don't know shit about fixing (or breaking) cars.
"Just make sure to move these wires here..." he said, pointing at some shit. "That way when you fix it she'll see that you know what you're talking about." He smiled and closed Bella's hood.
"Whatever..." I said. Rosalie's plan all revolved around me looking like a giant ass hero. According to Rosalie, Bella needed a hero. That was the only way she would trust me and let me in. Alice might kick and slap herself for opening her mouth, but it was a good plan.
"Well my job here is done. I'll give you the part at the house when you get home. Go get her tiger!" Emmett said, making a bad impression of a tiger that sounded more like a fucking pussy cat. I flipped him off and headed to class.
Bella skipped lunch, and Rosalie made sure to let me know Bella had skipped gym too. Probably because she knew Rose had returned to school. Rosalie laughed as she told us. It was as if she enjoyed scaring the shit out of someone.
Rosalie is one evil bitch, and I'll never get tired of saying that, because it's the damn truth.
English came and Bella actually beat me to class. I said "hi" to her and she just nodded. She ignored me the rest of the class period and my frustration grew. What the fuck is wrong with her? Do I have something in my damn teeth?
The bell rang, singling the end of school, and Bella stood up and looked down at me as if she was waiting for me. I smiled on the inside.
She had her lower lip in her between her teeth and her glasses were falling off her nose. She pushed them up with a finger.
"Umm, meet me in the library. I'm headed that way after I get my stuff from my locker," I said. She just nodded. I sort of felt bad for what was going to happen, but I quickly brushed that away. I went to my locker and Rosalie walked pass me.
"Don't forget!" She whispered. I just flipped her off.
I took my sweet-ass time at my locker and walked to the hall where I was supposed to meet Rosalie, Jessica, Lauren, Tanya and... Bella. Rosalie had managed to find a way to get her plan to work without actually telling her friends about it. They all just thought they were going to pick on Bella as usual.
"We should take you to get a haircut and to get a makeover, if you wanna be our hot fifth wheel. You gotta look hot bitch!" I heard Jessica say, and they all giggled. I hid behind a few lockers and looked to where the fucking hound dogs were surrounding Bella.
"Yeah, bestie... and you ain't lookin too hot right now!" Tanya said. They all giggled again. Bella looked fucking scared... again. She was shaking a little, and she kept looking down with no emotion on her face.
I almost wanted to yell at her to defend herself. Come on Bella! Do or say something! She was pissing me off. I should be pissed at myself. I knew about Rosalie's plan, but somehow I wasn't liking it too much right now.
"What's the matter baby?" Rosalie asked. Bella shook again and I had enough. I was supposed to come in right after Rosalie pushed Bella into Tanya, but they had gone too far. It was just supposed to be a joke and these bitches looked like they were really going to kill Bella. She didn't look too good.
"You scared? I don't bite," Rosalie finished. I decided that was my queue.
"Well I do and it fucking hurts like a motherfucker!" Rosalie turned around to face me and looked confused. She furrowed her eyes as if asking why I was so early to the fucking play, but I just ignored her.
"Ed get the fuck away!" Rosalie yelled and turned her back to me.
"No, you and your gang of bitches need to get the fuck away from Bella!" I said, and Bella tilted her head as if she was trying to see my face. I guess she decided against it because her eyes stayed glued to the floor.
"What's gotten into you?" Tanya yelled. Tanya was really starting to piss me off.
"Just ignore him, Tanya. Edward's feeling like Mother Theresa today! Let's go," Rosalie said. She walked away with the hound dogs following her. It almost looked like they were smelling her ass. Fucking bitches.
It was just me and Bella in the hallway. Her head stayed down and she was biting down on her lip, my guess, trying to stop herself from shaking.
What had Bella so freaked? I mean normal girls fight back, say something sassy back, defend themselves, cry or beg... they do something! Bella just shuts down and starts shaking as if she's waiting for what's going to happen next. She doesn't even cry or beg for herself. She doesn't fight back; and she needs to soon or she's going to get fucked up. I let her calm down, keeping my distance, but I did get a little closer to her.
I said nothing. It's not that I didn't care, or that this is the way I let people calm down, I just had no idea what to say. Bella finally took one last deep breath.
"You alright Bella?" I asked and was shocked at how soft and worried my voice sounded. It wasn't normal. I sounded like a pussy. She just nodded and still didn't look at me. "You wanna go home instead? We'll do this tomorrow. I'll walk you to your truck," I said, remembering what I was supposed to do now. Bella nodded again.
We walked to her truck and I kept my distance, not wanting to freak her out again. I had to learn my way around Bella if I wanted this to work. For now, she seemed to appreciate distance and her own space. We have something in common. Maybe I'll ask her to marry me! I rolled my eyes at myself.
Bella tried to get her truck to start, and again I pushed the feelings of guilt away as a flash of worry crossed her face when she realized her truck wasn't turning over.
"I could look under the hood for you," I said. She just nodded and got her hood open. I looked at it with a curious face as Bella stood beside me. I messed with the wires Emmett had pointed out. "Hmm..." I ran a finger under my chin, because that's what people do when they are thinking hard...
"It's a simple fix. I'll bring the missing part tomorrow. We have a bunch of these at my house."
"Tomorrow?" Bella asked, looking worried as hell.
"Yeah Bella..."
"But, how am I going to get home? And how am I going to pay you to fix it?" She was now panicking and making me lose my temper.
"Don't worry, it's on me, and I um…" I paused and sighed. "I could give you a ride?" I shrugged. I hope this plan works!
"What?" She looked confused and I almost wanted to laugh.
"A ride Bella, you know, you get in my car and I take you there. I'll bring you to school in the morning too. Unless you have a better idea that doesn't involve walking?" I chuckled.
"No, um, I don't have any ideas," she said, and starting biting down her lower lip, looking nervous as hell.
"So how about it?" I smiled crookedly and she looked down and started rubbing her hands together out of the nerves.
"Um... uh..." she muttered. "I um... uh... ok. I'll accept your ride."
I smiled and closed the hood of her truck. I started walking to my car and she slowly followed behind, looking down the whole time. I stopped when I reached her passenger door and she bumped into me, irritating the hell out of me.
"I um... uh... I'm sorry," she said nervously. I turned to look at her. She took a step back and the flushed look on Bella's face made me lose the irritation. She looked cold as hell. The thin green sweater wasn't enough. I opened the passenger door and grabbed my jacket.
"Here," I said and she just stared at it. "Bella, jackets work better if you put them on." She rolled her eyes.
"I don't need it."
"Of course you do."
"No, I don't."
"Just put it on Bella," I said under my breath, trying not to yell because that seemed to freak her out. She snatched it from my hands and it shocked me a little. She put it on and it was way too big for her. But... um... she um... she looked good in it.
"There, mom, are you happy?" she said in a low voice. I don't think she meant for me to hear, but I did. I couldn't help but smile. If I managed to at least piss Bella off, then my life was complete.
I held the door open for her and she stared at my leather seat.
"Do I have to say another smartass thing?"
"No, I'll just sit in it, because cars take you places if you sit in them," she said. I chuckled a little too loudly. I caught myself and quickly shut my mouth. Bella sat down and I closed the door, walked around to the driver's side, and opened my door. I sat down, closed the door and turned the engine on. Then I turned to look at Bella.
She had her seat belt on and sat in my leather seat as if she was trying to make herself as small as possible. The truth was that Bella did look small in the seat and especially in my huge-ass jacket. Her hands were in her lap and she looked around as if she had never been in a damn car before.
"Never been in a Volvo before?"
"Never been in a new car before," she said, and I smiled. "It smells good," she said lowly. I grabbed my iPod and hooked it to the car's system and Bella's eyes widened. "Cool," she said lowly, as if trying to keep it from me.
"You've never seen one of these?" I asked and she shook her head.
"Have you forgotten what I drive Edward?" She asked.
"Who can forget?" I chuckled and she just stared out her window. "Um, what kind of music do you like?" I asked, hoping to get something out of her and hoping to god she didn't say hip hop.
"Whatever," she shrugged. I sighed lowly, keeping my frustration in. Rosalie told me to start with "the favorites game" and find out her favorite music, books, TV shows… shit, I don't know... favorite type of bong. No that's mine...
I picked a poppy rock song by Maroon 5. All girls like that shit. But Bella didn't budge. I placed the car in reverse and as the car started to move, she immediately tensed up. She grabbed the sides of her seat. I stopped the car.
"Bella, chill," I said. She whipped her face towards mine as if shocked that I had noticed her nervous behavior. She nodded and placed her hands in her lap again, lowering her tense shoulders. I let up on the break. She started to breathe easier, but still sat hunched down. She sat as far as possible from me and seemed to try and limit her movements. She's insane.
I vaguely remembered where she lived, but I was too proud to ask. We were going to get lost.
I skipped to a different song hoping maybe Bella was an R&B fan, but again, she didn't react and just kept staring out her window. I held in a sigh. I skipped to a Hoobastank song. Bella didn't notice. I gave up and left my iPod playing on shuffle.
Bella didn't move at all. She was a complete statute in my passenger seat and I didn't know what the fuck to say. I mean what do you say to freak show? We drove in silence for a few minutes. It wouldn't be long until we found her house in this shitty small town, so I had to say something. The whole plan was to get her to warm up to me and all I was getting was pure silence. She's supposed to help as well! I mean come on!
The inside of the car started to smell like strawberries. What the hell smelled so fruity?
The Hoobastank song ended, but I didn't notice. I was too busy trying to figure out the damn smell. Then I heard the first notes of the next song, and the strumming of the acoustic guitar. I immediately felt embarrassed. Nobody likes this song, nobody my age at least. Bella wouldn't even know this song. Its normal, but it's my fucking song!
Tanya found it in my iPod once and wouldn't shut the fuck up about how "old" the song sounded. She kept saying "ew." Fuck her! It's my favorite song. The one song I sing in the shower and in my car when I think nobody is looking. It's the song I wish I had written myself, the song I want tattooed in my soul forever. I would never tell anybody I like it, because it would make me look like a fucking pussy. Emmett already calls me a pussy for half of the songs in my iPod. Fuck him too. For the first time in a long time I felt the heat of embarrassment in my neck and I was about to grab the iPod to change the song when I heard Bella's soft voice.
"I love this song," she whispered against the window, causing it to fog. My hand froze on top of the iPod and I turned to Bella, making sure she wasn't bullshitting. From the side of her pale face, which was still facing the passenger window, I could see her lips move along with the words.
"I'll be your man
I'll understand
And do my best
To take good care of you
Yes I will"
Uh…
I said nothing, probably ruining my chance, but I was feeling a little giddy that someone liked my song. I almost kicked myself in the balls for being such a…
"And so I come to be the one
Who's always standing next to you"
Bella's voice came out of hiding. It was low and I could barely hear her, but it made my hands grab unto the steering wheel and become sweaty. For a moment it was as if I wasn't alone with my affection for that damn song. I felt that I was sharing something and it felt strange, partly because Bella had no idea, and partly because it affected her so much. I stayed still until the song ended, staring out straight ahead. I pretended not to be so damn affected that she liked my damn song.
It doesn't even mean anything.
"Um…" I could barely hear her as the next song started. It knocked me out of my thoughts and I sighed. "Um, can we hear that song again?" She said, shocking me a little. Bella doesn't ever talk or ask for anything, but she wanted to hear the song again. I couldn't help but smile. Not a simple closed mouthed smile, but a damn grin.
"Yeah, sure Bella," I said, and pressed the button that went back to the previous song. I let the song play a little before asking.
"Hey Bella, is this the right way to your house?" I asked and she nodded.
"Yes. It's the right way Edward," she said and went back to staring out her window. We said nothing for the rest of the ride.
I parked in front of Bella's house and she tensed up again and nervously looked around. There were no vehicles in the driveway. Bella relaxed, letting out a loud sigh. She didn't move, and I didn't know what to say. It had become normal to be a fucking mute around Bella.
She cleared her throat.
"Um, thanks for the ride. But you don't have to come tomorrow. I'll just ask my father to take me to school so he can look at the truck," she said. I shook my head. He'd probably be able to tell we messed with her truck.
"No Bella, I'm coming for you, so be ready," I said. She shook her head.
"No." She's so fucking stubborn.
"Yes."
"I said no. You can't force someone to accept a ride!"
"I can."
"Ugh!"
"What's wrong with a fucking ride? Besides I'm the one who's going to fix the damn truck. It doesn't matter if you don't want me to give you a ride, I'll be here in the morning," I said and she huffed.
"Fine! But can you not park in front of the house? Maybe park a few houses down? I'll find you," she said. I was confused as fuck.
"Why?"
"Just promise you'll do it."
"Fine!"
"Okay then," she said, sounding annoyed. She opened her door, took my jacket off and handed it to me. "Thanks for the jacket," she said lowly.
"No problem."
"Um, uh…" she just stood there holding the damn door.
"See you tomorrow. At 7 sharp," I smiled crookedly at her.
"Right."
"Bye."
"Bye."
She finally closed the door and walked to her house, still hunched up and looking down. When will the awkwardness between Bella and me end? It was if we were both afraid to say something stupid or make fools of ourselves.
The next morning I parked a few houses down from the Swan house. I have no idea why Bella made me do this. I waited with my car on because it was too damn cold to sit in it off. I slouched down when I saw Chief Swan's cruiser pass by. He had an ugly ass face and looked pissed as hell.
A few minutes later, Bella appeared. She walked down the side walk, headed towards me with her backpack. She was wearing that damn thin-ass faded green sweater, a pair of worn out jeans and those damn Converse. Of course she walked hunched down with her hands in front of her. That's what she does. She looked like a damn lost child.
Bella is always pale. But today she looked extra pale. All the color was drained from her face. She opened the door to my Volvo and lightly slid inside, closed the door and placed her backpack in the back seat. She was shaking and at first I thought it was because it was so damn cold, but after we sat there for a few minutes I realized the heater in my car wasn't stopping her from shaking, or rocking back and forth. Her face was blank and there were dark shadows under her eyes. Even under foggy glasses I could tell she had not slept well at all. There was some serious shit going on with her.
"Bella," I said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. I should know by now that that's a bad idea. She jumped and gasped, but quickly looked at me.
"What?" She asked nonchalantly, as if she didn't look fucked up.
"You alright?" I asked, and surprised myself by wanting to know the answer.
"Ye… yeah why wouldn't I be?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows and quickly looking down to her lap. She looked guilty as fuck. She was hiding something.
"Can we go to school now?"
"Of course," she said lowly.
The ride to school was silent. What the hell could I say? I played music. Nothing I played seemed to affect Bella as much as last time. She did tap her foot to a Kings of Leon song, so we had the Kings checked. She kept going in and out of her weird trance. I finally decided to make conversation.
"Did you parents freak when they didn't see your truck?" I asked. She didn't say anything. She had the same blank expression from earlier. She didn't move and hardly blinked. "Alright then…" I mumbled. The ride couldn't get any longer. I decided to ignore Bella for the rest of the ride. She was ignoring me so it worked out.
As we entered the parking lot, I thanked my lucky stars that it was still sort of empty. I parked near her truck, and I was about to get out, expecting her to do the same, but she didn't move to exit the car. I looked at her and was about to ask, but I didn't. There was no use.
Bella's eyes were a watery red and she had returned to her damn shaking and rocking. Instead of freaking me out, Bella was just worrying me now. It was as if she had seen the devil himself. I felt it in my gut. Her damn breakdown was contagious and I had no idea why. It was pissing me off, but I really needed to wake Bella from her weird trance. It's not normal for someone to be seemingly awake and completely out of it at the same time; to tap their foot to a song one moment and then leave planet Reality the next. It's just not normal.
"Hey…" I whispered, trying not to freak her out. But she didn't stop her rocking back and forth and her face was blank as a fucking piece of white paper. "Bella…" I said again in a low voice.
Nothing.
"Hey Bella…" I whispered and gently rubbed her arm, not being cautious anymore. She let out a shaky breath. Then she turned and looked at me. I wasn't sure if she really saw me or if she was even fully aware of her surroundings. Her face was still blank and she still didn't blink. At least her shaking and rocking stopped.
"Hey…" I whispered again.
"Yeah…" Her voice sounded broken. She looked around and realized we were at the school already. "Yeah," she repeated and grabbed her backpack from the back seat and opened her door.
I was so confused.
I grabbed the wire Emmett gave me to put in her truck. He had just stolen the original. Bella popped opened her hood and I went to work putting the wire Emmett had given me where he told me it went. Bella didn't even pay attention to what I was doing. She just stared at a random area of the engine with that damn blank expression on her face. When I was done, I closed the hood and smiled at Bella, who didn't smile back.
"Let's try it," I said, and she just nodded. She turned her truck on and I clapped, trying to lighten the mood and cheer for myself, but Bella didn't care.
"Thank you," she simply said, and started walking towards the school. "Just let me know how much I owe you," she said and continued walking. I walked after her, furious. Doesn't she listen? Like ever?
"I told you already that it's free!" I said. But she just kept walking. "Um… uh, so after school right?" I asked, and she stopped walking.
"The Whore Gang won't touch me?"
"Hell no."
"After school then," she said, and finally walked away.
As Bella made her way into the school, I saw Emmett and Alice getting out of their cars and Rosalie and Jasper waiting for them. They made it to where I was, passing by me. The only one that said "hi" was Alice, who I had not seen yet this morning. Rosalie glared at me.
"How did it go?" She asked as she passed me.
"I fucked her twice already. What the fuck do you think?" She rolled her eyes and flipped me off.
"Oh, don't be a pussy. Keep working. You were such a hero yesterday, I almost cried!" She yelled. I stayed at the bottom of the school's steps. It's not like I love self loathing, but fuck!
Hero?
Hero.
The first classes were bullshit. They didn't give out homework and I wouldn't have a lot to ask Bella about because we all had the same classes with the same teachers, just at different times. Small towns.
Again, I didn't see Bella around in the halls between periods and she didn't show up to lunch.
I sat in my usual state of self-loathing along with my usual "other people loathing." I heard Emmett and Rosalie giggling and Alice and Jasper having a conversation about some bullshit, but I didn't give a shit.
Why can't Bella come to lunch so I can bother her? Maybe she's out by that damn tree?
I thought about it for a long-ass time and half listened to some bullshit Jasper said about the weekend.
Would Bella be there? She's probably carving her tree. Bella is a weirdo. Who does that?
It's better than this bullshit.
I stood up, ignoring Alice's question of where I was going. I had almost reached the hall when Bella walked into the cafeteria, almost bumping into me.
I smiled.
"Well hello to you too, Bella," I said and she just nodded.
"Hello," she mumbled walking past me. She walked to the lunch line with me following close behind. She stopped to wait and I stood behind her.
"Why are you so late for lunch?"
"Um, I was doing some homework," she muttered.
"What? I thought we were doing that after school?" I sounded more pissed than I should have, but she fucking promised
"And we are going to do work, but I'm sort of very behind in some classes," she said as she grabbed an apple and a water bottle.
"What the fuck? What kind of lunch is that?" I asked and she rolled her eyes at me.
"What's wrong with you Edward? You act like my mother, not including the cussing of course. Why do you care?"
"Well you're going to starve the rest of the day and might not have the energy for tutoring!"
"Oh! I'm sorry for putting your education on the line, but this is all I can afford!" She said. Just as the last words left her mouth she looked like she had changed her mind about saying them.
"I mean… please just let me eat the damn apple. It's something okay. At least I'm eating," she said and continued down the line.
"I could buy you something if you want. You want a sandwich or something?"
"It's fine Edward. I'll be alright."
"You sure?"
"Yes!" She huffed.
I don't know why I found it amusing that Bella got so frustrated and annoyed with me. She finally showed some emotions and not her usual blank and distant face. I was getting somewhere. I stayed with her until she paid for her apple and water with a five dollar bill. We said nothing and she didn't look at me. She got her change and put in her jeans.
"Well… I gotta go. Um… I'll see you after school," I said and she nodded.
"Yeah, you better leave before they see you with me," she mumbled as I walked away. I don't know why I had to fight the urge to tell her that she was fucking stupid and to fuck off. She didn't know anything.
But isn't that the truth?
Fucking inner voice.
English started and Bella again beat me to class. I sat behind her and she ignored me as I passed her. Mrs. Morris began class and I ignored her on purpose so that I could mean it later when Bella helped me with the homework. It wasn't as if I needed to pay attention. It was another fucking session on Shakespeare.
Another problem was that Bella was busy drawing the whole time. She would be the one needing the damn tutoring. I stared at the back of Bella's head. Why can't she just give me what I want so we can both move on? I don't enjoy this "I worry" bullshit, or the friendly persona I have to use. She is so distant from everyone and doesn't even look at me when I'm near. I mean doesn't she trust me already? I fucking defended her from Tanya and fucking Rose and gave her a ride and fixed her truck. What else does she need to trust me? I mean I haven't even received a proper "thank you." She is so ungrateful.
I hate her! She pisses me off. I'm getting nowhere.
Class ended and Bella stood up. I didn't move. I was staring at my desk, and didn't realize school was over.
"Um… the library?" She asked, and I whipped my eyes up to look at her.
"Um, oh yeah. I'll be there," I said, standing up. "Meet me at the back tables." The back tables in the library were hidden by walls and I could see a flash of realization hit Bella's face. She probably thinks I'm ashamed of being seen with her. In a way I was. I'm not going to lie.
Though I hate the attention and I hate people in general, I love having everyone fighting to try to impress me. Me, Edward Cullen, hanging around with the freak that is Bella, the girl everyone picks on, isn't going to look right. I just want to get this bet over with.
Bella took her stuff and left the classroom. I made my way to the library with my English homework. The fucking place was hot as hell! There was a sign on the door that said "Heater out of control, library a little too warm." I thought it was a joke, but boy was I wrong. It was fucking hot. I sat at the back tables, and like usual there was really nobody there, just some nerd reading a book. It was a little cooler back here, but I still took my sweater off.
Bella was taking a long time and I began to get impatient. I'm sure it had only been five minutes, but I'm a jackass. I began tapping my knee. Where the fuck was she? I looked at my watch. It had only been six minutes.
Another long-ass minute passed, and I finally heard footsteps coming towards me. I looked up. Bella walked toward me with her English book and that damn sketch book in her hands. Her orange backpack hung from her shoulder.
"About fucking time!" I said. I wished the heat wasn't making me so cranky. I had just lost a damn point with Bella.
"Sorry," she said, and stared at the seat next to me and then to the one in front of me. Really, this is troubling her?
"Just sit next to me Bella. Shit," I said, again not sounding very friendly. I was just so irritated. She sat next to me after placing her books on top of the table and said nothing. Ugh, what a fucking waste of time. She didn't even look at me. I stared at her, trying to make her feel comfortable. She had to say something at some point. I noticed the warmth of the library was making her cheeks blush and her nose shine a little. She was sweaty and I was too, but I don't know why I found her amusing. She was wearing that stupid long sleeve sweater.
"Bella, it's fucking hot in here why don't you take that damn sweater off?" I asked. She whipped her eyes to me.
"No!" her quick response was unexpected and I jumped a little. I settled down and shook my head.
"That's fucking ridiculous."
"I don't want to take my sweater off. How is that ridiculous?" She asked furrowing her eyebrows.
"It's hot in here!"
"So?"
"So, you might get heat stroke!"
"It's not that bad."
"Fuck it isn't. Take that shit off."
"Oh my god, I just don't feel comfortable doing it okay?" She barked, finally raising her voice in annoyance. I wanted to smile but I kept it to myself. We stayed quiet for another moment.
"I don't know how this is going to work. We clearly can't stand each other Edward," she said, and I felt sort of disappointed. I thought I had gotten somewhere, I guess I was fucking wrong.
"What? You can't stand me?"
"No, I adore you!" She said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes. "I mean we've only talked a few times and…"
"Look, just forget that bullshit. I need help and you need it as well. We need each other and that's why we're here," I said. She just nodded. I couldn't have her remembering the past. It wouldn't help me. I took my book out and turned it to the page about Shakespeare and asked a random question. Bella looked at me like she didn't believe I didn't know the answer, but then she told me.
She was right.
I kept asking random questions I already knew the answer to and she kept answering. Bella was always right.
"I think Will Shakespeare was a fag," I said, and she wrinkled her forehead.
"Why?" She asked, a little shocked.
"All male actors, and all of this poetic love and shit; what the fuck was that?"
"Women weren't allowed to be actors and why is it that when men show some emotion or talk about love, they're homos? What? Are men not allowed to show their human side? It shows how stupid and closed minded society is. You're… ugh…"
"Ignorant?"
"Yes!" She said angrily. I chuckled.
"Don't worry Bella; I don't think Will was a fag."
"Then why did you say it?"
"I like pissing you off."
"What?" She asked sitting at the edge of her chair. I chuckled again.
"It's the only time you really talk to me," I said, and she sat back on her chair.
"Oh… um…" she mumbled.
"See?"
"No."
I chuckled again. "Whatever," she said, and continued writing notes.
"Did you really do that to that tree?" I asked. She stopped writing, but didn't look up at me.
"Yes. Why? Are you going to call some environmental hippie group and tell on me because I hurt the tree?" She said and I chuckled.
"No, I was thinking again about how awesome it was." I really did think it was cool.
"That's how I cut my hand," she muttered.
"Well… that was smart of you."
"I know. I like playing with fire," she said with no enthusiasm.
"How long did it take you to do it?"
"Um… since school started in August… well actually a little after that when we started carving in art class…" She stopped herself.
"Hey, Mr. Freeman didn't continue with that lesson, because someone stole a knife…" I smiled as I realized it was her. She looked at me with her lower lip between her teeth. "You… um sto…"
"You gonna tell on me?" She asked. I smiled at her.
"Bella, why do you always think I'm going to tell on you? What, you believe in karma?" I said and she gasped. It seemed liked I pissed her off again, but she held in whatever she was going to say and went back to writing notes, shaking her head.
"Don't worry Bella, I won't tell on you. Besides, I appreciate art when I see it. How long have you been drawing?" I asked. She said nothing.
"Oh come on Bella, it's just a damn question!"
"How long have you been writing?" She asked. I was caught off guard.
"What?" I huffed.
"I always see you writing in that journal."
"That's none of your fucking business!" I griped.
"Alright then, I guess we're even," she said, and continued writing. I wanted to scream at her, but I was too busy fighting back a smile. Fucking Bella is too damn smart for her own good.
"I love to write. It's the only thing I love," I said lowly. She stopped writing and looked at me, and though I wasn't looking at her, I could feel her stare.
"Well… I love to draw. It's the only thing I know," she said.
We said nothing again. She went back to her homework.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked after a while. She just nodded, not taking her eyes off her homework.
"Why don't you try and make friends? I mean act fake or something and find someone to call a friend."
"Why should I?"
"Because you're a fucking loner."
"So?"
"So that can make anybody suicidal," I said, and she smiled.
"I'm not suicidal and I don't need friends. Why should I act fake just to get a friend? I'm fine. I've been fine all these years."
"Oh really? You get threatened by the hound dogs every day because they see that you have nobody. It's fucking fun for them. They're fucking evil bitches."
"Why are you so interested? I don't see you talking to a lot of people and you're doing alright as far as I can see. Besides, I have this arrangement now. I help some guy with his homework and he promises to keep the evil bitches away. So it isn't that bad. Right?" She asked.
I smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
We said nothing for the rest of the time at the library, well other than talking about some other subjects and me helping her with a little math. I got so into the problems that I forgot the real reason I was there to begin with.
An hour later, we finished our homework and started walking out of the library. Suddenly, Bella stopped, causing me to stop.
"Um… uh…" she looked down. "I um… before we get out of here and you run the risk of being seen with me… I… I want to… um…"
"Bella just spit out already." She needed to learn how to talk or she was going to make me lose it.
"I wanna thank you," she said. I was taken aback. Oh… here comes my "thank you." I'm such a whiny bitch.
"Thank you for saving me from the Whore Gang, and for the ride, and for fixing my truck. I mean, you don't even like me and you still helped me. I would have probably left you without a ride and I would have let the Whore Gang kick your ass. I'm cold like that," she said with a small smile. I chuckled.
"I would have probably deserved it anyway. Thanks for your honesty," I said sarcastically, and she nodded.
"No problem… anytime." She walked away and I stayed in the same spot, smiling like a moron.
Fucking Bella.
The next day, I bugged Bella in the lunch line again. This time she made sure to find an extra buck and got herself a sandwich, making me more comfortable. She sat with the band geeks again and I with my friends. I kept looked towards her and caught her staring a few times.
During English, we both lightly chuckled when Mrs. Morris said that there have been rumors that Shakespeare was a homosexual. Mrs. Morris looked at us like were immature and stupid. That would probably fit her other students better, so she better fucking give someone else the bitch face.
I met Bella in the library again. It was a little cooler, but the temperature still made me to take my sweater off and bitch at Bella. She didn't give a shit what I said and didn't remove her sweater.
There was a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo in the book.
"Not a lot of people say this, but I like the 1996 version. It's cool," I said, and Bella nodded.
"Yeah, it's very artsy," she said.
"I like the music. It was sick!"
"I like the coloring of the sets and their clothes; everything was so colorful. It set the mood in every scene."
"Fuck the colors Bella," I laughed and she rolled her eyes.
"Fine!" She said, rolling her eyes again. "I used to… um…"
"Say it…"
"I used to be in love with Leonardo DiCaprio," she said and I laughed.
"What? That pussy?"
"He is not a pussy!" She said defensively. I had to laugh again, but she didn't smile. I felt like an ass.
"So you loved him, huh?" I said, trying to get back to the conversation.
"No, I was in love with him," she said, and finally smiled. "I got over it in a month." I laughed again.
"Poor Leo."
"I'm sure he'll survive."
That was all the small talk we had. We said nothing for the rest of the hour. Our only words were about homework when I pretended to be stupid. Bella was a damn nerd. She knew shit I didn't. It shocked me when she said she was still behind in some classes. Why the hell is she not doing her homework?
The next day Bella didn't go to lunch, but I was too chicken shit to look for her. During our tutoring session, I noticed she was wearing a Beatles bracelet.
"Helter Skelter…" I said. She looked up from her homework.
"What?" she asked confused.
"Best Beatles' song" I said. She shook her head.
"I am the Walrus," she mumbled
"What? I'll take Elenor Rigby."
"No, While My Guitar Gently Weeps," she said. I hung my head in defeat.
"Ok, you win. Shit," I said. She smiled. It was weird seeing Bella smile. She had been doing that a lot lately. Maybe I was getting somewhere. Maybe I was getting to her.
"Who gave you the bracelet?" I asked, and she looked at it.
"A friend sent it to me in the mail," she said. I have no idea why I was angered by that. Here I was thinking I was the one responsible for her good mood. I shouldn't have asked.
"What friend?" I asked. I probably sounded like an ass doubting she had a friend.
"A friend… I do have one friend," she said sadly. I didn't push it, I would find out later; I just had to be patient.
"Why didn't you go to lunch?" I asked.
"I brought my own and I sat outside," she said as she started writing.
"Oh," I should have looked for her. She is still so closed up. All I know is that she likes to draw, had once loved Leo DiCaprio, likes The Beatles and has a friend who I already hate. Maybe I'm not such a great conversationalist. Maybe that's because I'm forcing it. I should just let things flow.
"Have the Whores bothered you?"
"Nope. Is that because of you?" She asked. She had stopped writing.
"Yeah, I told them to lay off." Bullshit. I hadn't done shit. It was probably Rosalie trying to make me look good. I mentally thanked her as Bella smiled at me. She pushed her glasses up her nose and shook her head.
"Thank you," she sighed. "I don't trust you Edward, but I believe you in this. I guess I do have a little trust. I know once this is over you won't care if they bother me, but I appreciate your current help. A little peace is good. You have no idea how great it is," she said and continued writing.
"Do they… do they bother you a lot?" I asked. She said nothing. Her silence answered my question. Fucking bitches had nothing else to do. I sighed. "Bella if they bother you again, or if anybody else wants to start shit now, or even after this tutoring shit, you tell me. Alright?" I asked, and again she said nothing. "Bella I'm talking to you…"
"Okay," she simply said.
"Okay," I agreed.
"Why?" She asked.
"Why what?"
"Why do you care?" She asked. She wouldn't look at me.
Well maybe because I wanna get into your pants.
You're full of shit Cullen. Not once did you think about fucking Bella while you said all that.
"I owe you, and I'm feeling nice, so take fucking advantage," I said and she nodded.
"I will. But we aren't friends Edward. I know you. So quit acting like we are."
"You don't fucking know me," I said, annoyed. "But you're fucking right. We aren't friends," I said and I almost slapped myself. This wasn't getting me anywhere. This was my normal jackass self coming out. I wasn't going to impress her.
"I meant you don't have to act friendly with me if you don't want to. This is just a deal." I swear I was going to yell. She thought this was forced on me?
It sort of is
We said nothing again. After a few minutes I took a neatly folded piece of paper out of my pocket and placed it by Bella's hand.
"I am friendly," I said as she looked at the paper. "I found this and thought I'd return it to you." She gently took the paper and unfolded it with shaky hands. Her eyes widened when she realized it was her drawing.
"How… how did you find this?" She asked, biting her lip after she spoke. I didn't understand her nervousness. Her hands were shaking. She quickly hid them in her lap under the table, taking the drawing with her.
"You dropped it in the hall after you left me when you freaked out that one day," I said and she just looked down at the table.
"Please don't tell anybody about my drawing…" she said lowly, almost in a whisper.
"Why would I?"
"Just don't."
"Ok, I won't. Shit!" She said nothing in return. She just took in a shaky breath.
"Thank you for returning it to me. You must think I'm weird." She shook her head.
"No. If you'd read my writing, you'd think I was weird," I said, and she nodded.
"So what does the drawing mean? I mean… if you don't wanna tell me that's fine..." She shook her head.
"I wish I could tell you. I just don't know anymore," she said. She almost seemed hesitant to continue but she did. "I just draw. There is no plan. That's what comes out. It's as if someone else lives inside of me and she shows up when I start drawing. Maybe it's my real self and I just keep her inside, hidden, when I'm not drawing," she said and then rolled her eyes. "I'm silly."
"No!" I answered quickly. What the hell?
"I mean, I know what you mean," I said and she gave me a soft smile.
Bella didn't show up to school the next day. I didn't let it bother me too much. It didn't bother me; I just wish I knew what the hell kept her from school and our tutoring.
It doesn't bother me.
It just felt weird not going to tutoring today and not bugging her during lunch.
"Ready to get wasted tonight?" Emmett asked. He slapped my back as we walked into our house.
"I'm always ready," I said and he slapped me again. It fucking hurt. "Blue fuck balls Emmett! That shit hurts!" I said and he chuckled.
We got ready and Esme asked for us to be back by 2:00 AM knowing we wouldn't keep our promise. She just waved us on and asked us not do anything stupid. Mom is still so innocent. We planned to do as much stupid shit as we could.
Alice rode with us to Mike's party, talking to Jasper on the phone the whole ride there, while Emmett played his shit music. I swear I'll end up killing one of them. Maybe both of them.
When we got to the party, it was already packed and full of booze and fucked up people.
Home.
Jasper greeted Alice with a hug and kiss while Emmett walked over to Rosalie who was with Tanya and the two hound dogs. I went over to Ben and Mike, who were smoking some weed and drinking. They let me take a hit, but I was rudely interrupted by someone's nasty ass hands rubbing up my chest.
"Hey baby," Tanya whispered in my ear and my whole body shook. Not with lust, but out of fucking disgust. She stood behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist.
"Hey."
"How 'bout you come with me to get something to drink?"
"Nah, I'm fine."
"But baby…" she said rubbing herself on my ass.
"Fucking shit, Tanya. I said no! Fuck off!" I yelled, and Mike and Ben started laughing.
"Fuck you Edward!" she yelled and stomped off.
She'll come back.
I sat on the couch in the Newton's living room, while everyone laughed and danced. I drank a beer, well a few beers, and smoked. Rosalie came up to me and yelled at me for hurting Tanya's feelings. I pissed her off even more when I asked if Tanya even had feelings. She went back to Emmett. Alice and Jasper stopped by. When they realized I wasn't listening to them, they just left without saying goodbye.
I sat there for about thirty minutes saying nothing and doing nothing, just getting fucking high and drunk. I stared at the wall and ignored the couple making out on the other end of the couch.
There it is again.
That fucking feeling.
I sighed loudly.
I have to leave. Now!
I stood up, tripping a little. I could feel the alcohol running in my veins like poison. I wasn't a violent drunk, more like a depressed drunk. Being around people only made it worse. I walked out the front door of the Newton's home and the cold assaulted my face, but I didn't care.
It's getting boring; the same routine every weekend and the same endless parade of bullshit. I'm sick of being angry and dissatisfied with my lot and not knowing why. I'm tired of getting shitfaced and people always being pissed at me for the way I am. To be honest I'm tired of myself. I'm just a whiny and brooding asshole.
I walked for a very long-ass time. I almost tumbled to the ground a few times, but danced around to gain my balance. I didn't care if I got lost. The night was silent in this small-ass town. I could hear my feet crush the gravel and plants as I walked. I let my feet take me where they wanted; my mind didn't know where it wanted to go, but my feet seemed to. That makes no sense. I'm wasted.
It reminded me of the night I lost everything; the night I lost myself. I could almost hear the sirens again.
Fuck that shit.
I didn't know where I wanted to go. Not the meadow, and not the little cabin Carlisle built for me when I was ten. I haven't gone there in months.
I just wanted to get away, maybe figure out what the hell has me so low all the fucking time. Or maybe find something to fix this shit. I can't find that the fix at home or in drugs. Everything just depresses me. I need something stronger, I just don't know what it is.
I walked for a while. I was in the middle of nowhere and really fucked up, yet I was still aware of things. I walked through the woods and onto a freeway. It wasn't until I started passing a familiar house that I realized I had finally reached civilization again.
Shit.
It's Bella's house.
There was only a pickup truck and Bella's fugly-ass Chevy in the driveway. The police cruiser was gone. There were a few lights on.
Hmm.
Maybe I should ask Bella personally why she missed school today.
You are high and fucked up!
I snuck onto the Swan's property. I slowly approached a few windows on the first floor and I found where the kitchen, living room and some other room were, but no Bella.
Second floor?
Shit.
I looked up and noticed a light was on in one of the rooms. That room had a small balcony, thank my lucky stars.
Hope it's her.
There was a large tree right in front of the balcony. It didn't look difficult to climb, but then again I was wasted.
Hope its Bella.
My first attempt at climbing the tree failed. I fell and hit the side of my head on tree. The bark fucking hurt like a motherfucker.
"Fucking stupid mother nature!" I grumbled and kicked the tree. My foot hurt and the side of head stung, but I ignored the pain and began climbing the damn tree again.
It wasn't so hard, but I bet it would have been easier if I wasn't so fucked up.
I finally crawled my way to the window and lightly dropped myself into the balcony. I groaned as the damn bark scratched my belly and my hands. It would suck big blue balls if this wasn't Bella's room. I slowly approached the window, trying to be sneaky, but my ungraceful drunken state probably was bound to get me caught.
I peeked through the glass balcony door as I hid my body behind the wall off the house.
I caught a bed with a purple comforter and a night stand, but I couldn't see much more. I stretched my neck more to get a better look into the room. The lights were on, so there had to be someone in there. I kept searching the room until I saw her.
Fucking Bella.
She sat on the floor with her legs crossed underneath her and a large sketchbook in her face. She wasn't wearing her glasses and she looked… different. She wore a white tank top that was a little wet from her hair and some gray sweat pants. I guess Bella had just showered. Her hair seemed darker and it made her look paler than usual.
Bella was biting her lower lip and wrinkling her forehead in concentration as she drew on the paper. I chuckled. I placed a hand over my mouth hoping she didn't hear me, but she didn't flinch. There were a few sheets of paper on the floor all around her and some thick black thick pencils.
I stared at her through the window like a damn stalker. Bella was interesting to stare at. In her sleep and while she's drawing, Bella seems to put down her walls and her fears. It must be exhausting to always be in the defensive.
I gently knocked on the door, but she didn't move. I knocked harder, but again Bella didn't move.
Is she fucking deaf?
I tried to open the door and almost gasped when I realized it was open. Why the hell is her door unlocked? There are crazy motherfuckers out there!
Yeah, like you, you douche!
I gently opened the door all the way and it wasn't until I stepped into Bella's room that she looked up.
"Ah!" She screamed and threw her sketch book. Several sheets of paper flew up around her and drifted to the floor.
"Shh!" I said placing a finger over my mouth. She stared at me wide-eyed and gasping for air. Her chest moved up and down. Then she furrowed her eyebrows in anger as realization hit her and she snatched the head phones out of her ears.
"Oh… that's why you didn't hear…" I whispered. She looked pissed and tried to stand up, but stumbled a bit and I chuckled.
"What the hell are doing here? You scared the shit out of me!" She said, throwing her mp3 player on her bed.
"Jus' came for a visit!" I said. I'm sure I was slurring.
"You can't be here… he might… oh my god! If he finds you here… oh no… Is my door locked?" She started panicking and shaking.
What the hell?
She rushed to her door and pulled and turned the knob, making sure it was locked, and then rushed to her balcony window and looked out.
"If you're looking for your dad, he isn' here!" I said. I'm sure I was still slurring.
"It doesn't mean that he won't be here later!" She griped and turned to face me.
"Get out! You just…" She stopped when she looked at my face. "Are you… are… are you high?" She asked in shock. She walked up to me and sniffed. "Oh my god, you are! You smell like that crap and… beer! Edward, get the hell out of my room!" She said, angrily pointing to her balcony door.
"Why aren't you wearing your glasses?"
"I don't need them to see up close and they get in my way when I draw… why am I even talking to you? Leave!"
"But I wanted to know why you didn't come to school today?"
"And you couldn't wait for Monday?"
"Nope." I said popping the p. She sighed.
"I didn't feel so good…"
"Liar!" I screamed. I was so wasted.
"Shut up! My mom is still here!" She said, panicked. I placed a hand over my mouth. I was about to give her a cheeky smile when my eyes caught the decorations on the walls of Bella's room… and ceiling. Large drawings covered every space of the walls and some drawings were on the ceiling over her bed.
"Dude…" I gawked as my eyes slowly examined each drawing.
They were awesome drawings. Drawings of people, animals, places and other abstract shit covered even the corners of the room. They weren't regular teenage drawings, the kind you find on a stupid kid's binder or as their art project. They were fucking professionally done.
Most of the pictures were kind of sad. Besides the one or two happy ones and the few abstract drawings, the room was full of melancholy. Bella was crazy, but an artsy crazy. I bet they would look better if I wasn't so high and wasted, but even in this state I could appreciate her craft.
"This is freaking cool Bella. It's like, I'm lost in here… but a good lost… they make me sad though and I don't know why," I said. She said nothing. I kept looking around and I could feel her staring back at me.
I stumbled to one that caught my eye. It was man sitting on a bench. He had his face in his hands so that I could only see half of his face, and a journal sat by his side.
"Wait… that one looks like me…"
"Edward, get out!" Bella said in a worried tone of voice. I turned to look at her.
"Chill, Bella I was just…"
I've never see Bella in a short sleeved shirt. Now I know why. As my eyes scanned her arms I could feel the chill run down my spine and I think I even winced.
Bella's arms were covered in bruises and marks.
Small and large, light and dark, red and purple bruises ran along her arms. Some looked a few days old and some looked a few weeks older. But the one that made my mouth drop was the one on her right arm. It fucking looked like a giant-ass hand print. I could make out the fingers on her small and pale arm, all fucking five of them.
"Oh shit…" I heard myself whisper. Bella looked at me, confused, and then looked at herself to see what I was staring at.
"Um…" she let out a shaky breath and rushed to her closet, bumping me out of the way as I stood in the middle of her room. As Bella dug in her closet, I realized how skinny she was. Not scary or gross skinny, but she was so damn thin and small. She looked so fragile.
Bella pulled her damn green sweater out of her closet and put it on.
"Edward I think you should just leave."
"Bella… who did that to you?" I asked and though I was drunk I could hear the honest concern and interest in my voice. I just hoped it sounded the same to her.
"Edward… please…." She pleaded and her eyes began to water. "Just go…" her voice was shaky and painful.
"Is that why you like that green sweater?" I asked lowly, and she said nothing. She looked down and began rocking back and forth. Her face turned red and she fought hard to keep her tears from escaping.
Bella was tough. Deep down, she was tough.
"I'm so… Bella… I'm sor…" My apology for intruding into Bella's space was interrupted by a loud and hard knock at the door. Bella jumped and it almost seemed her feet left the ground.
"Isabella! Open this fucking door right now!" A man yelled. Bella's eyes widened and her breathing quickened.
"Oh my god," she whispered in panic and desperation. She walked over to me and grabbed me by the arm. She pushed me inside her closet. "This is my fucking house! Open this door! Now!" The man yelled again, pounding against the door.
"Bella, who's that?" I asked. I was beginning to be afraid. I could see fear in Bella's eyes, pure fucking fear. Her eyes were red and her lower lip trembled. Her big brown eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her eye sockets and she gasped for air.
She was so fucking scared.
"Shh! Just stay in here okay." Her hands trembled as they still held my chest.
"Don't move. Don't say anything. If you see anything happen…" she paused and took in a shaky breath. "If you see anything happen, don't try and be the hero. You can't be the hero here, Edward. Just let whatever happens happen," she said, and closed the closet door in my face.
The man pounded on Bella's door again, causing some of her drawings to fall off the wall. I could still see through the closet door, but I was hidden… she wasn't.
"Open the fucking door!" The man yelled again, and… Bella did what she was told.