OMStew I'm so late!
I'm sorry! I spent the weekend signing up for college classes for the fall. NOT FUN!
Thanks for the lovely reviews. I like hearing what you think. Sorry if I didn't reply to some. But I swear I read your reviews and you made my day…or week or life.
Enough blabber, here is Bella. I do warn Bella's trauma and mini flashback is a bit hard to swallow. One of the ways I came up with the plot was after watching Kristen's movie Speak (for the tenth time). It grabbed my heart and made it ache. Before starting this story, I spent some time googling and reading about psychological traumas and really friends it's something that gave me chills. So please, if you know anyone that has gone or goes through what Bella does and can't seem to cope with it, advice some help. There is nothing wrong or shameful about searching some help.
Thank you.
Ch 13/Bella/On Call
I love random dreams.
Especially if they involve Edward…
My dream consisted of an Edward and his crooked smile and my stupid blushing. I don't remember the rest and I would have spent more time trying to understand my dream, but a loud vibration suddenly slapped me into reality.
At first I didn't open my eyes. I was a bit afraid to realize that it all had really been a dream and that I had not had a "bonding" day with Edward. He had become so easy to talk to and joke around with that it wasn't until now that I realized that it was Edward! Yes, that Edward.
What the?
Not once did I question Edward's motives or felt paranoid about every time I opened up to him. I wasn't afraid that he would tease me or judge me…and he didn't do any of that. A part of me told me the reason I was so free with him, was because of the way I found him yesterday morning.
I had never seen Edward so vulnerable or battered. A part of me weakened for him when I saw his broken state. It was as if I saw myself in him. Finally, someone else needed my help. I didn't help him for my own selfish assurance that I to could be helpful; shit I didn't even think about that until now. I helped Edward because nobody deserves to be left for dead. He needed me and even though he didn't ask, I was the only who had found him so I had to.
I didn't understand my sudden worry and rush to help and cure Edward. I trembled and gasped out of worry every time he moaned of pain while I drove him to my house. I was desperate and nervous. I sped home not knowing where else to take him. He didn't want to go his home and I wouldn't question him on that and he seemed to hate hospitals.
What if he broke something? I've seen plenty of TV and he might have some internal bleeding or something. What if he is dying? What if…
Swan he is not dying! The guy is just battered up. A little ice and wound cleaning will do the trick.
Caring for Edward started out incredibly difficult. His face was bloodied up. Some dry blood and then there was some fresh blood and I just couldn't take it. When I first found him, I had pushed my stupid fear of blood behind my mind and the adrenaline to help Edward helped drown that fear, but now as he laid in my bed knocked out and inches away from me…I couldn't breathe as I knew I would smell the awful smell of iron. I trembled and felt sick to my core, but I knew I had to keep my composure as it wouldn't do Edward any good if I passed out. I had to do this.
I had to do this for him.
In his sleep Edward kept repeating the same thing.
"Wake up…no…wake up…you drowned…stupid…stupid…not sick….drowned...wake up Liz."
When Edward had woken I had not questioned or reminded him about what he had said. It wasn't my business, but I couldn't help but wonder. Edward's voice was full of angst and worry. It had to be something serious. Maybe if he felt comfortable with me, he could tell me. But I won't push him.
Who is Liz?
After spending the day with Edward, I realized how easy it was to talk to him. We talked about random things…a lot of things and our old awkward silence didn't show its face anymore. For the first time since I had known him, I couldn't bring myself to remember all the negative things I believed of him. When he was alone with me, it seemed he relaxed and stopped pretending to be that brooding jerk he was at school.
I like this Edward.
I finally opened my eyes and I was going to turn to see if Edward was still asleep or even here, but I didn't have to. I felt an arm around my waist and his face buried in the back of my neck. His warm breaths did things to my skin and I could feel my stupid blush. I gently tried to pull away from him, but he only tightened his hold on me.
"No…" he mumbled and I giggled. I tried to pull away again and gently moved his arm off me and he cursed…in his sleep. "Fine…fuck off." He turned away and I giggled again. I sat up and turned to see him, maybe he was awake and I was being an idiot. But to my surprise, Edward was asleep. His mouth was slightly opened and lightly snored. Even with a bruised face, Edward was beautiful. He looked younger asleep and harmless. I sat up a bit more, sitting next to him. I was watching him sleep and enjoying it. I'm a freak.
His light chest movements made my eyes wander down from his face to his chest. Then, from his chest I could see that his…well my shirt… was rolled up a bit from the bottom and I could see his belly button and the light patch of hair. I quickly lost my breath and felt the heat in my face. I jolted off the bed.
I'm such a silly girl.
I'm a fucking idiot, really.
Yesterday, I had seen him without a shirt and drooled a little. I think he caught me and I swear I wanted to disappear. But Edward is such a beautiful creature. The way his chest is sculpted and lightly covered in hair. The way he chuckles and he crosses his arms when he sits next to me and the way the light stubble covers his perfect jaw and…
Swan!
Right…
I got ready for school as quietly as possible. Though Edward was gone in slumber-world, I still got dressed in my bathroom feeling self conscious. I ran downstairs after locking the door behind me and headed to the kitchen and found my mother making breakfast.
This was odd…oh my god! Is Father here? I looked out one of the windows and there were no signs of Father's cruiser. I sighed in relief and turned to my mother who was staring at me in confusion.
"Well good morning Bella. What has you all paranoid today?" She asked and returned her attention to her eggs.
Paranoid? Me? Ha mother, I thought that was already part of my description.
"Nothing," I said walking to her side "I just…um I thought I heard something." I said and she turned her eggs off.
"It's funny that you mention it Bells, last night I thought I heard something too." She said and I almost gasped to give my foolish self away.
"Wha-what did you hear?"
"I don't know…I thought it sounded like a man's voice, but I guess I'm just hearing things. Did you he…"
"No!" I cut her off and she jumped. I shook my head and avoided looking at her in the face. I knew my traitorous eyes would give me away. I didn't know how I would explain.
Uh Mom, I've been hiding a boy in my room and he's slept in my bed. I've also managed to drool and fluster over how great his chest looks…
Right, that doesn't sound appropriate.
"Okay…" Mom said and made herself and me a plate. I swallowed my food and though I was full, I pretended I was still hungry.
"Um, I'm gonna make an omelet." I said taking out some eggs and other ingredients. Mom placed her dishes in the sink and sighed.
"Well you hungry, hungry hippo, I'm going to go get ready now." She said as she washed her hands.
"Okay, I'm going to ignore that you just called me a hippo and ask. Where are you going?" She giggled lightly and turned to face me. I swear I've never seen so much light in my mother's eyes or blush.
Blush!
"My book club meeting is today."
"Again?"
"Yep, Phil is taking us to Port Angeles for lunch and to their book store. Isn't he great?" I should feel excited for my mother's enthusiasm, but something about this Phil guy just bugs the hell out of me.
"Um yeah…he sounds alright." I said and she started walking towards her room. "Mom"
"Yes baby." She stopped walking.
"When you say "us", how many of you are there?"
"Um….well…uh um there are four of us girls and then there is Phil and his assistant Boyd."
"Oh…okay."
"Why baby?"
"No reason. I was just wondering."
"Okay baby, I have to get ready now. I'll probably be gone all day. If you come back and I'm not here, there are still some leftovers from last night. If I don't catch you when I leave, I love you!" She said and blew me a kiss and ran to her room. I ignored my worry about Phil, thinking I was just over reacting and headed back to the kitchen.
I finished Edward's omelet placing it on a plate and grabbed some orange juice from the fridge and headed to my room. Edward was still asleep, wrapped in my covers and I couldn't help but smile at how comfortable he looked. I left him the food and wrote him a note, letting him know I would be back to check on him during lunch and grabbed my stuff and left for school.
I would have stayed with him, but I really didn't want to fall back in school again. It was a pain in the ass to get caught up. If I was going to get mom and myself out of that hell hole we called home, I had to get on the ball.
As I drove to school, I couldn't help but rerun the things I talked about with Edward and just the looks he would give me. I grinned like an idiot. He was an idiot. He was always making smart comments and bickering about everything he didn't agree with. He was driving me mad. But I couldn't help but like it.
I felt some damn emotion other than fear with him. It was either annoyance or comedic annoyance, but I wasn't scared. My body didn't shake to the point of hurting and I didn't feel like my heart was going to explode because it was beating so fast. I didn't hurt. I didn't hurt with Edward.
But I questioned it.
I hate that I question everything.
I still my walls up.
I cannot fall for Edward Cullen. He is known to be a liar. He can't be trusted.
I made my way to my first classes and it was driving me mad. I wanted to check on Edward, but I knew if I called my house he wouldn't answer. That would be stupid of him. The school was full of gossip about him.
Some said he got in a fight with some guy from Port Angeles.
Others said he was jumped by some gang.
Some still thought he was in jail and that he was going to be there for days.
Some said he deserved it for being such a prick. I don't know why those comments pissed me off. Who the hell did they think they were to talk about him like that?
As I made my way to bio, the class before lunch, I passed by Alice Cullen's locker. I hated that I did. I had never seen Alice looks so devastated. She has dark circles under her eyes and blotchy cheeks. She had tissues in one of her hands and once in a while wiped away her tears while holding Jasper's hand.
"I'm just so worried for him Jas." She said and sobbed. I pretended to look at a flyer that was hanging on the wall so I could listen.
"I mean I heard what dad told him the other night and even though it wasn't that bad, it wasn't what a boy like Edward needs. I wanted to go to him and tell him that dad was just pissed and that things would be better, but that would only piss Edward off even more. God knows where he is now! I wish I knew." She sobbed and Jasper took her into his arms and kissed her forehead.
"Its okay baby, knowing Edward, he's probably out having a good time or hanging with some friends." What the hell does he know?
"But with who? Doesn't he know how worried we are? Esme has been calling everyone and hasn't talked to Carlisle since yesterday. I just wish he would let us know who he is with so we could stop worrying. I don't want him to fall back into that dark hole he was in years ago…or months ago. That shit didn't do him any good."
"I know baby, I know." Jasper whispered lightly patting her small back as he held her.
"I just wish Edward would let someone help him." She cried and I turned to look at her. She looked so broken and concerned. It broke my heart and it took all my will power to not go over to her and tell her that he wasn't in any "black hole" and that he was with me. Though my house was hell, Satan was not home, so Edward was safe. But Edward doesn't want anybody to know where he is. He trusts me not to tell anybody.
He does trust you Swan and needs help. Can you help him Swan?
I don't know. I can't even help myself, let alone another person. I don't even know what he needs saving from.
Does it matter?
No.
Alice opened her eyes and caught me staring at her. She furrowed her eyebrows and picked her head up away from her boyfriend and I had to get away.
I walked off before she could see it in my face.
All during bio I squirmed in my seat as I stared at the damn clock. I had never been so anxious for damn lunch. The bell rang and for the first time, I beat everyone out of the classroom and headed to my truck.
As I sped to my house, I wondered if he would still be there today. Will he still be nice to me or will he go back to ignoring me or acting like an ass? I wanted to slap myself. I'm fucking pathetic. I don't know why I'm so worried for Edward's reactions. If he does act like a douche today, just throw him out and never speak to him again. Once was enough, twice is just a bitch slap to my face. I've already been slapped too many times in my life.
I parked my truck in front of my house and almost ran to my room. Before I walked in, I had to compose myself so I wouldn't make a fool of myself. Not only was I all jittery, but I was…excited? I was fucking excited? I took a deep breath and swallowed my excitement and shook my stupidity away.
I slowly and gently pushed open my bedroom door hoping to find Edward still in my room. I wonder if he's hungry or thirsty. Maybe he was bored.
As I opened the door, my eyes quickly searched for him and when they did found him, my heart sank. I lost my breath.
I lost everything.
No…no…no…no…no…no!
How could he? I trusted him. Why would he betray me like this?
There here was, standing in front of my dresser with…with that fucking yellow manila folder. He knew now. He knew what nobody knows. He knows what I've hidden for so long. He knows…he knows…he knows…he's going to think that I'm a freak now. He's gonna see that I'm ruined. I'm ruined.
No...no…god no!
I could feel the anger boiling in my blood and the despair shadowing my senses. How dare he find that shit? It's my shit! My fucked up past. Why the fuck? Why? Edward had yet to notice me. His hands were shaking as they held the folder and his face was crumbled up.
I can't take it.
He's feeling bad for me. I don't want it.
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
"What the fuck are doing with that?" I yelled so loud that I didn't recognize my own voice. I didn't recognize myself anymore.
This is not me. This is my coward side angered that he has found what he has found.
I was breathing so hard and I could feel the heat of my anger in my chest and the panic in my bones. He wasn't answering me. Fuck him…fuck him…fuck him…shit.
"Edward, what the fuck are you doing with that? Answer me damn it!" I yelled again and Edward jumped.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
What's wrong with me?
"Be…Be…Bella" he mumbled and it made my anger burn even worse. It wasn't his fault. I know. But she doesn't know it. Coward Bella doesn't give a shit. I angrily walked toward him and with all the force I had, snatched the manila folder from his hands.
"Get the fuck out of my room! Get the fuck out of my house!" I want him to go away.
Go away…go away…go away…just leave me alone. Leave me alone…alone…
Edward didn't move. His eyes were glassy red and his breaths were shaky.
I looked down at what he was looking at.
Oh my god. No!
It's me.
No its not me! It's a pathetic piece of shit.
It's you Swan! You're the pathetic piece of shit.
The images of my bloodied and almost dead self took me back to that day. They took me back to that moment. I could hear Him know. I could hear her as well.
~ "You're a fucking whore, you bitch. Just like you mother. You fucking whore.!"
She was crying in the back while he did it.
She didn't stop him or say anything. I cried to her. I begged her. She didn't move.
"You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this. You deserve this. Just keep telling yourself this you little bitch and it'll hurt less." He spat. I could smell the beer in his breath and feel his saliva in my face. He didn't stop. I wanted him to. I begged him to stop until my mouth could no longer move and I started choking on my own blood.
As he punched and kicked me into the darkness, I could still hear him. I could hear him in the excruciating darkness and prayed to god for him just to take me already. But he didn't…and I could still hear HIM.
"You deserve this you little bitch. You deserve this!" he spat and his fist found my face…yet again.
I deserve it. I deserved it. I deserved it. I deserved it.
I hate getting lost. I sometimes feel like I'm never coming back.
I want to come back. I do. I do. I really do.
"Bella…" I heard his beautiful voice. It sounded far away. I wanted to reach for him and return. I wanted to come back. "Bella, who did that you? Was it…was it him?" If he only knew. I felt my fingers weaken and I let go of the folder. I couldn't breathe. I suddenly felt like I was drowning and my lungs ached for air. "Bella! Are you okay? What's wrong?"
Please Edward…
I felt a sharp pain. I realized I had dropped to my knees, but I couldn't bring myself back. I suddenly felt his hands on my face.
"Bella, talk to me! Bella please come back. Come back! Come back to me Bella!" His breath hit my face and his beautiful smell and I wanted to. I wanted to come back. He rubbed my cheeks with his thumbs.
Why? Why did it have to happen to me? It's not fair! I'm so scared. It's not fair!
My mind was tired of holding it in and I let out a loud whimper.
I started to cry and I hated myself for it. I don't want to cry. I don't.
Don't let me cry…don't.
I suddenly felt Edward's hands pull me towards him and if I hadn't been so out of it I would have flinched or jumped at his contact, but I was already too far gone. He pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me. It was so warm and soft in his hold. I snuggled into his chest and finally let my pain out.
"Just let out Bella. Let it out." He whispered into my hair and in that moment I had never felt so safe. I wrapped my arms around him, hoping he didn't mind and did what he asked.
I let it out.
I sobbed into his chest and knotted his shirt in my hand while he rubbed circles on my back with his hands.
"It'll be alright Bella." He whispered again and he started to rock me in his arms.
No, My Edward. Its not.
I don't know how long I stayed in Edward's arms, but what I did know is that I had no intentions of letting him go. It was selfish of me, because he was probably in pain, but I had never felt so comfortable in my life. His warm chest and the beating of his heart served as comfort and reassurance that what he was saying was right.
It would be alright and I desperately wanted to believe him. I ached for it to be true. I would do anything.
His warm breath on my forehead caused me to sigh. I could feel tightness in my chest and not knowing what that was I decided to ignore it.
I don't know how it happened, but Edward was now sitting on the floor with me in his lap. He kept rocking me and humming a low and sweet melody. I tried to free some of my weight off him, but just when I barely moved, he tightened his hold on me and I could feel the tightness.
I was back.
I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He had his eyes closed and a simple line on his lips. He looked so peaceful. His bruises were getting better and his cuts were fully closed now. I gently raised my hand and warmly and softly ran my finger tips across his jaw, up to the darkness of his eyes. He slowly opened his eyes and looked down at me and for a moment we just stared into other's eyes. His were still a little red and I had no idea how I looked.
I just had another breakdown and I doubt I looked attractive. I suddenly felt wave of embarrassment crash into me. He had just witnessed my damn breakdown and seen those awful pictures. I could feel my skin turning a heated red and I closed my eyes and looked away from him. I buried my face into his chest again and he gently patted my back.
"Don't be embarrassed Bella. Don't ever be embarrassed with me." He whispered, but I couldn't look at him. "Do you feel better?" he asked and I nodded, still not looking at him. "Bella look at me." I sighed into his chest and slowly opened my eyes. "Still not looking at me." I sighed in annoyance and looked at him. He was wearing one of his stupid dazzling smiles.
"I feel better…thank you."
"Do you need anything."
"No…I'm sorry…"
"Don't start with that. I should be sorry."
"You don't start with that either." I said and he smiled again.
"Okay I promise if you promise."
"I promise."
"Ok." He sighed and swallowed and cleared his throat. "Do you want to lie down or something?" He asked and I nodded. He helped me up and he grunted as he was in pain and I looked at him in guilt. "You promised!" he said giving me a threatening smile and I tried my best to not smile back.
I lay down on my bed as all of the sudden I felt so exhausted. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, smelling Edward on my pillow. I smiled to myself. I heard him close the door and just a few seconds later, he crawled into my bed.
I opened my eyes and found him with his head on my other pillow with shiny green eyes, staring at me in worry.
"I'm alright Cullen. I swear." I mumbled closing my eyes.
"You sure?" Why can't he let it go?
"Yes, I'm just ruined. I've already told you this."
"How many times do I have to tell you Bella?"
"You're so sure of this Edward, I might believe you. But clearly you didn't just witness what just happened."
"Fuck that shit!" He spat and I opened my eyes to find him glaring at me. "You're only ruined if you let them ruin you. Right now, you're just bruised a little. Remember what you said about bruises? They fucking go away." He whispered back and I buried my face into my pillow trying to avoid his eyes. I suddenly felt his hand on top of mine. "Please tell me you won't let them! Don't let them ruin you!" his voice was low but angry and I held in another stupid sob.
"I...I don't know. Just let me think about it."
"Think about what?"
"I don't know! Just drop it." I sighed into my pillow.
"Well…do you wanna talk about it? I mean I won't pressure you to tell me…what happened." I raised my head up from my pillow and looked at him. Was he serious? I shook me head and laid it back into the pillow while staring at a random part of his chest.
"Give me some time. I'm not ready. Not yet." I whispered and he laid his head down facing me.
"Alright. Just know, if…if you finally wanna tell someone…I'll be here." He whispered back and gently started rubbing my upper arm. I could feel the silly goose bumps in my skin. "I'll be here." He repeated.
"Thank you…" I managed to say in a broken whisper.
"Have you told anybody else?" I wasn't sure why he was persisting so much, but I didn't mind. It felt nice having someone that showed worry.
"No"
"Why…I mean…" He sighed in frustration as he stopped himself. "When you're ready, right?"
"Yes" I simply said and he shook his head.
"Alright…I'll wait." He turned and faced the ceiling moving his hand away from mine. I ignored my disappointment that he did so. "I'm sorry I was being nosy and looking through your shit. That wasn't right."
"It's fine. I got over it already." I said and he chuckled darkly.
We laid there for a long time. He drew circles in my hand with his index finger and once in a while, he would look at me and played with my hair. I let him. Somehow this felt right. This felt natural. It felt like we've known each other for years. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him what had happened to me. I was too ashamed.
All these years, I've kept what happened to me that damn night to myself. At first it hurt like hell to do it. The one person everyone thinks they can go to for whatever, wasn't there for me: my mother.
She had been there and apart from Him she was the only one who knew.
She had seen it.
She had done nothing about it.
I walked with the memory of it for years. The memory of it weighed on my shoulders and fear ruled my life. It still rules my life, but now I've started to give up and with giving up, comes sweet melancholy. It's peaceful. I'm tired of fighting. All I want is peace.
But then there's Edward.
Edward is always glaring at me if I put myself down and trying to make me feel better with his sweet words. Why he does it I will never know. I just know that I have blindly decided to trust him with this. Why not? I have nothing else.
Nothing.
I was finally calm and my breathing was slow again.
"You still want me to get the fuck out?" he asked ruining the sweet silence and turned to face me again. I stared into his green eyes and took a deep breath.
"No." I answered hoping to god he didn't see my raw honesty and he smiled.
"I won't." he said and took my hand in his again and gave it a light squeeze. He intertwined our fingers and his warm hand sent a wave of heat down my arm and up to my face. I sighed.
What are you doing to me Edward?
"But you can't." I said and his smile disappeared.
"You're kicking me out?" he looked worried and shocked.
"No! Now don't let this go to your head, but if it were up to me, you could stay here as long you want, but your family is worried." He shook his head. "You need to believe me."
"They don't want me around."
"I heard your sister today. They are worried Edward."
"Bella, that's just Alice. She over exaggerates things."
"I think you're full of shit and I think you know it." I said and his eyes widened in shock. I raised one of my eyebrows and he cracked a smile. "Besides the fact that you don't have any clothes here and I can't possibly hide you from my parents forever, your sister loves you Edward. Though you refuse to see it, she does."
"Don't lecture me Bella."
"I'm not, I'm just telling you how it I see it. At least show your family you're alright."
"Then can I come back here?" he asked and at first I thought he was joking, but his face was serious and he waited for my answer. Oh shit.
Say something Swan!
"I uh um…" Why? "If you want." I said and he smiled sadly.
"If you want me to fuck off Bella, just say it." He said and let go of my hand and crossed his arms across his chest.
"You're such a damn baby Edward. Do you want me to beg you?" I said and he didn't answer or look at me. I grabbed his hand. "Yes, I want you to come back, only you want to. You're welcomed!" I said squeezing his hand and I could tell he was fighting a smile.
"And you'll tell me what happened?" I sighed in annoyance. "Alright!" he said giving up. He began stroking my arm again and I hoped to god he couldn't see my chills. "Do you do that a lot?"
"Do what?" I was afraid he had caught the affect he had on my skin and I could feel my blush. Fucking traitorous body!
"Go away like that. Does it happen a lot?" he asked with no trace of fakeness or malice. His question was honest. He seemed legitimately interested. I felt the screen of embarrassment taking over my mind again. I'm ruined and he keeps insisting otherwise. I'm sure after I explain he won't try to convince me again that I'm not ruined.
"Only when I see things that remind me of what happen or things that scare me or threaten me. It's my mind's way of running away. I'm a fucking coward."
"Quit telling yourself shit like that." He sighed in annoyance. He ran his fingers through his mess of hair. He composed himself. "So…where do you go?" I had to look away. I wouldn't be able see him in the face after my confession.
"I don't know. It's scary." I could feel his stare on my face as I spoke with a broken voice. "Sometimes, I feel my mind shut off. I stare at a random thing for one minute and I don't come back. I can only hear things, but I have no control over my body. It's like I leave my body while that shit happens. Sometimes I don't see anything at all. I can't ever remember. But then there are times where I can remember… I go back to my 13th birthday." I confessed and closed my eyes.
"Have you tried getting…you know I'm not calling you crazy…but you know…a shrink?"
"No. Although in middle school…a few months after IT happened…the school consular tried getting me to see a real shrink after Rosalie and Tanya started pushing me around after I accidently bumped into one of them. It was the first time I started "going away". I scared them because I started rocking back and forth. I swear I don't remember doing that, but the school shrink said I did. I guess I did, because since then they would call me freak. The consular tried getting me to talk like you are trying now. He said something had to "trigger" my behavior when found under a lot of pressure or verbal or mild physical abuse. He wanted to know the source of my "triggers". I told him he could suck it and I stormed off. He didn't bother me again. Did he really think I would tell him? Fucking idiot." I mumbled and looked up at Edward.
I had never seen Edward so…devastated. He looked like he had just been found guilty of something. He looked like someone just ran over his damn dog. I had to look away.
"Why didn't he keep trying?" He whispered angrily and I shrugged. "Didn't he have some kind of record of what happened to you?"
"Aw Edward, that's part of what I can't tell you." I said darkly. "Besides, the same school shrink moved to Seattle a month later and I never saw him again. I hated him. He was the first one to point it out. He was the first to point out my defects. He pointed it out…he made me see that I was ruined. I hated him for that. I hated him and I will always hate him. I'm fucked up, but why did he have to point it out though?" I could feel the lump on my throat. I was angry by just remembering it.
"Bella! If you say that…"
"Edward, it's the truth. I was scared of myself! That's not right! It's so damn heavy. This load I carry is too heavy Edward!" I said loudly and Edward shook his head. We returned to silence again and his hand started stroking my arm again. I sniffed as I fought my tears full of anger. I hate crying. It just shows that I'm weak.
"It would be less heavy if you tell someone…anyone." He said and moved a strand of my hair behind my ear.
I like it when he does that.
"I promise…one day."
"I know. But it has to be soon."
"I promise…if you promise."
"What? What do I have to promise?"
"You'll tell me who Liz is." I said and he quickly moved his hand away from me and sat up.
"How the hell do you know about that?" he said angrily. I shouldn't have said anything.
"I heard you in your sleep." I said and he stood up and started pacing back and forth by my bed. "I'm sorry Edward…I shouldn't…"
"No, I mean…you didn't…uh!" he said running his hands through his hair again and huffing while he did.
"I'm sorry. I promise you for something else. I shouldn't be nosy." I said and he stopped pacing and sat by me again. "Promise me you'll go home. Let your mom see you." I said and he shook his head and sighed in annoyance.
"You insist on that shit!"
"Yes."
"Fine!" he said standing up. "But I'm coming back, Bella."
"I know."
"Yeah? Well…good. You really want me to go?" he asked looking doubtful and I smiled at him.
"Not really." I confessed and I looked away again. I couldn't see his reaction.
"Okay. That's makes me feel better." He said chuckling. "Where are my jeans?" he asked and I pointed to my bathroom.
"They're in a plastic bag. But I threw away your shirt." I said and without another word he walked into my bathroom and after a few minutes he walked out.
I jumped off my bed and stumbled on my feet.
Holy shit!
"Edward, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" I yelled and he gave that damn smile…
You love it Swan!
"That wasn't my shirt I was wearing."
"Wha-what? That was your shirt!" I said trying to pry my eyes away from his beautiful chest, his perfectly sculpted abs and that…
"Bella?"
And that trail of chest hair…
"Bella?" he yelled with a chuckle in his voice.
"What?" I asked annoyed…well a little caught and embarrassed. I knew he would be able to see my blushed cheeks…I could feel the damn things. I snatched my eyes off his chest and looked down. "Um what…you should dress in something. It's cold out there!" I said and chuckled again and slapped his chest like Tarzan causing me took look his way. He gave me a crooked smile as he caught me again.
Jerk
"Oh Bella, don't worry and it's not cold. It's just a little humid and wet, nothing new in Forks. You should go back to school." He said heading towards my balcony door.
"I'm already late."
"So?"
"So…I guess you should run off now so I can go to school." He really just needed to take shirtless self away from my eye sight.
"That hurts, but you promised Bella."
"What?"
"That I can come back."
"Oh. Well duh! Get out of here already!" I said as I caught his bare chest again. I could feel the nervousness starting to creep in. He opened my balcony door and as he stepped out the balcony my heart started to pound against my chest. "Wait!" I said and Edward quickly turned to face me.
"What?" he asked with confusion.
"Are you sure you can climb the tree? Why don't you just walk out the door? Nobody is here." I said and he smiled. I had to look away yet again from that wicked smile of his.
"You're a genius Bella." He came back into my room and the fuzzy, silly feeling came back into the room.
He slowly made his way down the stairs of my house, holding onto his the wall and letting out small grunting noises.
He still must be in pain.
I walked in front of him and opened my door and walked out, making sure there weren't any nosy neighbors around. After making sure the coast was clear, I turned back to walk into the house, when Edward stepped in front of me causing me to bump into his chest.
Oh my god.
"I…I…I…I'm sorry…" I mumbled staring at his chest.
Get it together Swan!
"Don't be." He whispered causing my eyes to wander up to his face. He smirked and winked at me.
"Ugh!" I huffed and moved out of his way. He chuckled and started walking. "Hey, wait!"
"Bella, what the hell? You kick me out but you won't let me go?"
"I haven't kicked you out!" I defended myself. "Um would like a ride?" His smile fell and looked away.
"Nah, its okay Bella. I already owe you too much."
"But you can hardly walk!"
"I can walk just fine! Besides, you have to get back to school. Quit helping me."
"Fine!" I huffed.
"Fine!" he huffed back and started walking away.
"I didn't kick you out!" I yelled again and he turned to face me with a grin on his face. He winked at me and returned his back to me.
"Laterzzz jingle bells." He said waving his hand in the air. I gawked at his nickname for me.
I watched as the muscles on his pale back moved with each of his movements until he disappeared into the woods.
Swan, what the hell are you still doing outside your door? Edward's beautiful shaped back is gone. Get you ass to school!
I hate my inner voice.
I was twenty minutes late to my art class. I hated being late to art. I wouldn't mind being late to math, but art…I felt like a traitor. Mr. Freeman decided that it was time he did something about my tardiness and handed me a written warning which I would use as sketch paper on later. He would be impressed.
After a few minutes in class, I finally noticed Alice Cullen was staring at me. She didn't even bother to hide her sudden curiosity with me. I tried avoiding her eyes, but she looked terrible which set my curiosity on. She had dark circled under her pretty eyes which were now red and her cheeks were tear stained.
Damn that Edward. He's lucky and he doesn't even know it. His sister clearly loves him.
Angela wasn't at school today, so I guessed Alice was just bored and found me amusing to stare at. I sighed loudly, trying to let her know that I didn't appreciate her staring but she didn't budge. I felt like a damn lab rat. She was studying my every move. I wasn't looking at her, but I could tell she was starting at me. I could feel it and I couldn't concentrate.
The bell rang and I sighed in relief. I put my glasses on and grabbed my stuff and as I headed towards the door I heard my name in a small voice.
"Bella." I knew something was up. Does she know? Does she hate me for hiding her brother? What the hell does she want?
I stopped and slowly faced her. She gave me a soft smile as she walked toward me. "Bella, can I just tell you something?" She said and I nodded. "I know…we have never talked and you don't know me and I don't know you. But I feel like I should tell you something or warn you." She took a deep breath and shook her head. "Don't trust anybody. I know you have walls high up all the time. Don't let those walls crumble. For your own good, don't! Please…promise me that. Promise you won't trust anything, no matter how good it seems." She said and furrowed her eyes in seriousness. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but I didn't plan to let any walls crumble.
"I don't understand."
"I know, but you'll know when you see it or…feel it. Just remember my words. Please…" She said and gently took my hand, giving it a light squeeze. "Please Bella." She said a little pushier this time. "Promise me you'll have your guard up and never let it down."
"Okay…sure." I nodded trying to make her go away and she gave me another soft smile and let my hand go.
"Thank you Bella." She said softly and slowly walked away. What the hell was that about?
Edward didn't come back.
I sort of knew this would happen. I mean he's been away from home for a long time. He probably is stuck at his house. Maybe he wants to sleep in his own bed. Maybe he's just tired. Maybe he's in trouble. Maybe…
Swan, shut up. He didn't come back, why would he?
I sighed and hugging one of my pillows.
Hmm, it smells like him.
I hugged the pillow tighter and smiled to myself, but something was missing.
I tossed and turned and huffed.
I can't sleep.
I jumped off my bed and walked into my bathroom to wash my face. As I walked into my bathroom, I spotted Edward's Radiohead t-shirt by my sink. He had folded it neatly and I couldn't help but smile to myself. I grabbed it and I was about to throw it in the hamper when my fingers ran over the fabric. I slowly put to my face and sniffed it.
God it smells like him too.
Swan, what the fuck? This is just plain weird and sick. You've lost it!
Fuck you inner voice. It smells wonderful.
I took the t-shirt and shoved into my closet. It didn't need washing and…and…um I uh…
You're pathetic. You do realize that you're trying to give yourself excuses to not wash that nasty thing so you can sniff it later?
I ignored my inner voice and fell back into my bed. I hugged my pillow again and sighed in contentment and fell asleep. Edward's t-shirt was calling me, thus interrupting my sleep. Who knew?
The next morning I woke up in an excellent mood. Though I hardly got any sleep, last night was peaceful and everything just got better in the morning. Mom said Father had called and said he would stay in Seattle under week. He had some training crap I didn't care about. All I knew is that he wouldn't be home and that was good enough for me.
I showered and didn't bother to do anything to my hair. I grabbed my green sweater and headed to school.
I wondered if Edward would be at school today.
Things were changing.
I tried my best to deny it.
Why is he acting like we're…like we're friends? He'll probably go back to normal any day now. I should get ready for it so I won't feel so disappointed like last time. I mean, its not like I expect Edward to come out and offer his friendship to me, though how the last few days have been going, it only seems fit that we were. It made sense, but I'm still Bella the freak and he is still The Edward Cullen. That made no sense. But I thought I had seen a different Edward. The nice Edward. I know he exists. He hides the real Edward, behind his loner and jerk mask in public and masked Edward would probably show up to school today. I sighed as I got to school. I had put myself in a low mood.
The first classes couldn't go by any faster. The gossip around school was that Edward was out of jail and back with a bruised face.
Some of the girls said he looked "sexy" with his bruised face. I just wanted to see if he was getting better.
Why do you care so much Swan?
It was finally lunch period. I knew I would see him during lunch so I hurried to my locker leaving my books and just taking my sketch book and walked into the lunch room.
I was right.
It made me excited to see him.
What the hell?
Edward sat by himself at the usual table. He looked down at the table with his face in his hands. His worn out journal lay in front of him with a pen sticking out from middle of it. He was wearing a wrinkled white t-shirt and some black jeans and looked like a complete and beautiful mess. I looked around.
There were hardly any people in the lunch room and his friends weren't here.
It won't take long. I'll just ask him how he is and walk away before anybody sees. I don't want him embarrassed. It won't take long.
Are you fucking serious Swan? Have you already forgotten how he acted last time you went up to him? The dude doesn't want to be seen with you. Can you blame him?
I ignored my inner voice yet again and pushed my glasses up my nose and took slow steps toward him. My heart sped up with every step and I suddenly couldn't breathe.
Turn back Swan, before you get us in deep shit!
I took another step and the pressure was getting to me. I had to turn back. As I had changed my mind, I started to pull back when Edward suddenly looked toward me.
His eyes wandered around until he spotted me. His eyes stayed on me and I swear I hadn't taken a breath. He gave me a wide grin and awkwardly waved at me trying to be funny. I shyly smiled back and he chuckled. I blushed and quickly looked for my feet.
I suddenly felt someone bump into me. I gasped as I felt my body shake and she laughed.
"Get the fuck out of the way Virgin Mary." Rosalie said as she and Tanya passed me. They giggled their way to their seats. Alice and Jasper passed me as well and sat by Edward who now looked pissed. Alice smiled at me and patted Edward on his arm while he looked furious. He turned and looked at Rosalie and he was about to say something to her when I quickly turned around and walked away.
He's probably mad at me.
I shouldn't have gone to him. I mean I didn't even get to him, but I was close…
I lost my appetite and headed to the back building and walked into the woods. I leaned against my tree as I sat down and began to sketch.
This is where you belong Swan. By yourself. Take a look around. Nobody is here to push you or call you names. Edward won't look at you like he's embarrassed. You get that stupid disappointed feeling out of you right now! You're back to safety. You should be happy.
I just thought…ugh I'm so stupid. I took my glasses off and shoved them into my pocket.
I angrily stabbed my sketch book with my pencil and began making ugly doodles.
"Now Bella, we both know that isn't your best work. I'm not impressed." I whipped my head up to see Edward leaning against my tree with a smile on his face. I didn't smile back as I didn't know what the hell he was doing here or how to react. His smile disappeared as he realized it and tensed his jaw. He slid his down the tree and sat by me. He groaned as it probably hurt, but he tried to act cool about it. He scooted himself closer to me to the point where our knees and shoulders were touching. I pretended that it didn't affect me and returned to my "ugly" master piece.
It affected me a lot.
"Look, Rosalie is a bitch." He started. "She shouldn't have…I mean…ugh I just." I couldn't believe it; he was trying to apologize for his friend.
"It's okay Edward. You don't have to say anything."
"But I do."
"No, you don't."
"Why are you so stubborn?" I smiled.
"I get it from my mother." I said and kept doodling and he chuckled. Suddenly all my doubts and anger melted away. His chuckle had powers and he didn't even know it. He said nothing again as I kept doodling. I realized I had actually started creating something pretty cool and continued.
"You don't mind that I'm here? Stalking you while you draw."
"Is it interesting?"
"Your face is. You look concentrated. It's amusing." I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Well I'm glad I amuse you."
"You do Bella, you do." I turned to face him to say something smart, but the way he was looking at me made me freeze. His face was clear of any amusement and anger. His eyes didn't move and it seemed like he wasn't breathing. His green eyes started to burn through me and I suddenly felt self conscious and nervous.
"What?" I whispered, but he didn't move. His eyes stayed on me. "What Edward?" he shook his head.
"Did you do something to your face?" he sounded serious and his lack of humor confused me. What the hell? Is Edward bipolar?
"No, is there something on my face?" I asked and he shook his head.
"Are you wearing make-up?"
"No."
"Yes you are!"
"No I am NOT! I would think that I would know if I had make-up on my face!" I yelled. Who the hell? "I never wear that stuff. I don't even own any."
"Well why in the blue hell do you look so different?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Well… me neither!" he huffed and looked away. I sighed in annoyance and continued sketching.
Edward is confusing.
"Do you mind if I sit here and write?" he asked and I looked at him.
"You would write next to me?"
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I thought writers prefer to be alone when they write. I know I like to be myself when I draw."
"So you want me to leave?"
"NO! Geez!" I yelled and I could feel the heat of frustration in my neck. He chuckled and I playfully pushed his shoulder.
"You're such an ass!"
"I know." He was laughing now. "I told you I like to piss you off."
"I know and you've succeeded."
"I'm proud." He said. "But, yeah I like to be alone, but um…I mean its not like you are nosy or some shit. So can I? Can I stay?" He asked. He almost sounded like he was begging.
"I guess. Just don't get in my elbow space." I said gently nudging him with my elbow and he laughed.
We both sat in silence with only the noise of our pencils and pens. I turned to look at him after a while.
There is nothing more beautiful than a concentrated Edward. The way he furrowed his eyebrows and his lips pouted.
"Are you going to let me read some day?" I asked and he smiled while still writing.
"I don't want you to piss your pants Bella. You'll get scared. It's brutal."
"Oh whatever. I can take it. You've seen my shit…my pictures and I don't mean my drawings." I said and he suddenly stopped writing and looked at me.
"Don't go there Bella, unless you're ready." He said and returned to his writing and sighed. "I can't stop thinking about it. I've thought about it all day."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't!" he shook his head. "You have to tell me. Or at least tell me someone knows about it."
"No."
"Why?"
"Just drop it Edward."
"No, you have to trust me."
"Why should I?"
"Because I trust you!" he said and it seemed like even he was shocked by his own words. He cleared his throat. "After what we've been through, you would think you could trust me."
"Its hard."
"I know. How do you think I feel? But I trust you. Dammit Bella, I don't even trust my mother and father. You're god damn special for all you know. We've slept in the same bed." He chuckled darkly.
"I promise." I whispered.
"What do you promise?"
"I'll try. I'll try to trust you." I said and he smiled warmly.
The rest of the week, Edward snuck into my room.
He would come earlier than usual since Father was out of town and spend hours in my room.
He confessed that he wanted to apologize to his mother Esme as she had not spoken more than three words since he returned home, but couldn't find it in him to do it. I could tell that he wanted to, but was too scared. I convinced him to take his time, but that he should as his mother deserved it.
Talking to Edward had become so easy and relaxing. Once in a while he would try and bring me up to the conversation and I would just piss him off, because I refused to talk.
I wasn't ready.
During school, Edward would glance at me during lunch and smile which was enough to make my day. I would walk around with a stupid smile on my face. During English, he would get us in trouble because he couldn't seem to stop talking to me during class. He even stopped by my locker once and walked me to my next class. The halls were empty so nobody noticed…but I noticed. We spent time after school at our tutoring sessions, but I noticed we hardly had or did any school work.
I started to become use to Edward. It wasn't good and I knew it, but I couldn't help myself. When he was in the same room and I was aware of it, I had to look his way. When he was in my room, I couldn't sit anywhere else but by his side; I had to stay close to him. I felt like a damn leech.
Another strange thing happened during the week.
Alice Cullen started talking to me in art class. It started out with small talk on colors on Wednesday and then by Friday, she and Angela begged me to sit with them. I agreed as they couldn't stop whining and begging. Besides, it felt nice that they wanted me around. Of course I hardly said anything as they blabbered about shopping, graduation parties and boys while I sketched. They never tried to peek at what I was doing, but did complement me when made it easy for them to see what I was drawing.
They were both nice to me. Sure, I was scared at first, but they seemed harmless after a while. I still wasn't sure why they had decided that it would be a good idea that I sat with them as I didn't think I was good company.
On Friday they walked me to English. Of course Angela had it with me, but we never walked together. It felt strange.
Whatever their intentions were, I would keep my walls up just in case.
On Friday night, Edward confessed he wouldn't be sneaking into my room on Saturday night because Ben was having a party that he planned to sneak out to go to. I quickly felt disappointed. I knew it was visible in my face, but I couldn't help it. I hated it. Why the hell should I care? I enjoy my alone time. I didn't have any lately…
"But…I'll come Sunday." Edward said and I looked at him. He raised his eyebrows as if trying to convince me and I just nodded.
He had noticed.
"Okay." I simply said without looking at him and he stayed quiet.
On Saturday, after making us lunch mom went to Port Angeles. Apparently, Phil was taking everybody to watch a movie adaptation of a book they had read. I just nodded as my mother giggled and told me about her plans.
She tried to convince me that he had tried to tell them to let her bring me along, but Phil had already gotten the tickets and the movie was sold out. I shrugged not really caring. I don't want to meet this Phil guy anyway.
I spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV. After the wasted time, I sent Jacob some e-mails. I had received his last letter on Friday, but I was so busy with Edward I had forgotten about it. In the letter, Jacob gave me his e-mail address and talked about how he was returning soon and that it would be a surprise.
He teased me about me not liking surprises, but that I would like this one.
I just hoped he got here soon!
It was almost 11 o'clock and I felt exhausted and hungry. I was too lazy to make anything to eat and it was too late anyway. I tried falling asleep but it was hard. I had no idea why it was so difficult to find sleep tonight. I was tired; I guess I wasn't tired enough.
I got up and started looking through my closet and when I found what I was looking forward, I quickly took my shirt off and put the Radiohead t-shirt that smelled of Edward on.
Now I can sleep.
I fell on my bed and closed my eyes waiting for to sleep to take over. I thought I was succeeding, but I was rudely interrupted by a light knock on my balcony door. I quickly sat up to find Edward outside my door. He waved at me with a grin on his face and one of his hands behind his back.
What the?
I walked over to the balcony door.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were at the party."
"I was…but…uh…um…um…it was shit. It was a lame party so I had to leave. Now open the damn door Bella!" He yelled playfully and I did what he asked.
Just as I opened the door, the smell of food hit my nose.
"Close you eyes!" he ordered.
"Why?"
"Just do it!"
"No!"
"Godammit Bella, just do it!"
"Whatever!" I said shut my eyes and he chuckled.
"I have two presents for you." He said and I felt him moving around. I tried peeking. "Close your eyes! You're going to ruin the surprise.
"There's nothing to celebrate."
"Who gives a shit? Now open you eyes." He ordered and I did ready to yell at him, but stepped back as he held a small box in my face.
"What is it?" I asked and he rolled his eyes.
"Like the damn picture of the phone on the front isn't enough for you."
"A cell phone?"
"Yep!" he said popping his 'p' and smiling.
"For…me?"
"Duh! I already have one." He said pulling out his own phone. "Sit down and open the box." I sat down on my bed and carefully started to open the box. "Just rip the damn thing open Bella!" I sighed in annoyance and he chuckled.
I finally pulled out a shiny red phone. It started to vibrate in my hand and the phone's screen lighted up and the song Creep by Radiohead started to play.
"But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo…what the hell am I doing here?" I giggled when I saw the name Eduardo on the screen.
"Yep, that's me." He said holding up his phone to show me he was calling me.
"Um…I can't take this Edward…I mean this must have cost you a lot of money…"
"Don't start Bella! Just take the damn phone." He said sitting next to me. Why did it smell like food?
"But…"
"But nothing. Now we can text each other during English." He said wiggling his eyebrows and I giggled again. "Also…if…um…" he paused and took a deep breath. "If you're ever in trouble…if you know what I mean…now you have a way of getting help." I looked down at the phone. "If you need anything…anything at all. You can just call me and I'll be here. I'm on call for you." He whispered the last part and I smiled at him.
"You're on call?"
"Yep, 24/7." He said smiling. I took his hand in mine and he intertwined our fingers. It should feel weird that I had the nerve to take his hand, but it wasn't. I don't think he felt weird either. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.
"Thank you." I whispered and wanted to slap myself; it sounded broken.
"No problem." He whispered back. He stared at me for a moment before smiling again.
"Edward…"
"Yeah?" he said without blinking and his mouth fell open a little.
"Why does it smell like food?" I asked and he suddenly jumped letting go of my hand.
"Shit, I almost forgot to give you your other gift." He said taking out a paper bag from under my bed. "Close your eyes!" he ordered again and I smiled and rolling my eyes, but did what he asked. I felt him sit next to me again. "You're wearing my shirt!" he said sounding excited and I was about to open my eyes... "No! Not yet. Geez Bella, you're worse than a child."
"Screw you!"
"Not tonight."
"Ugh!" he chuckled and I could feel that he was now holding a bag in front of my face…it smelled delicious and greasy.
"Okay open you eyes!" he said and I did.
In front of my face was paper bag with cartoon characters and a big "m". I could feel the tears threatening to come out and the lump in my throat.
"Oh Bella! Don't cry kid. It's just a Happy Meal!" He teased and I rolled my eyes snatching the bag form his hands while he laughed. I didn't even want to open it, just to savoir the moment.
"Bella, greasy food tastes nasty when it's frozen. Open the damn bag and eat your unhealthy Happy Meal! Now!" I laughed and opened the paper bag. The smell of fries and greasy crap hit my nose and my stomach approved. But I had to…I had to open my toy first. I pulled out the plastic bag that held a pink miniature Barbie and I ripped the small bag with my teeth and pulled the tiny blonde girl out. She was so pretty and Edward laughed at my adoration for it.
"Shut up!" I said and stroked the Barbie's hair. I looked up at Edward with a smile on my face and found him staring at me with a smile of his own.
"How are the two minutes of glee Bella?" he asked smiling and I just stared at him. He had the most beautiful eyes and smile. I felt like tracing his face with my finger tips just to adore every inch of it. I felt a warm weight on my chest and I sighed as he stared back.
"They're amazing." I said and his joyful face turned into one of contemplation.
"I see it now." He whispered.
AWWW! So since I gave you fluff I get reviews….right?
So I wanna thank Chiara0075 for recommending a song to me for ATTY which I have added to my ATTY music playlist that I listen to while I write. Thanks love!
I will be adding my playlist to my author's profile next chapter. Not all songs since some might give away the later plot. But I do have a song that is Bella's theme song. I listen to it a hundred times while writing her POV. Please check out "Today's The Day" by Aimee Mann. Some of you might know it as the song from the movie Enough with JLO. It's an amazing song that fits Bella so well and if you listen to it and can't see it than what the heck? Haha
Thanks again to crazyj9girl for the amazing banner. If you guys haven't checked that out, please do so by clicking on my author name so it can take you to my Bio.
P.S If you have any song recommendations for this story, please feel free to play DJ and let me know. I would love to hear your songs.
Next chap will be up before 06/30 because I know none of you will care after that date about fanfiction haha. I know I won't! Team Eddiekins! **cough**Team KStew**cough**.