AW, I think I received some of the best reviews ever last chapter. Thank you everyone. I love you all. Sorry for being late, Edward wouldn't shut up or stop whining.

I had planned a MUCH longer chapter, but I decided it to cut in half as I know long chapters can be a drag and it was going to take me longer to update. The second half hurt to cut, but it will be chapter 20 instead and posted sooner than you can say "Edward, I want you baby" um…

Title of this chapter is inspired by Arcade Fire's song "My Body is a Cage". I think "mind" fit Edward better. Lovely song. Its one of my favs and it's on the ATTY Edward POV song playlist. For this entire chapter I listened to that and Andvari "Sigor Ros". It's beautifully sad. Please listen to it to. Its on youtube, I'm sure.

Ch 19/Edward/My Mind is a Cage

My body is a cage that keeps me, from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

~Arcade Fire

"How do you manage to fuck up anything good that happens to you?" Alice barked as she slammed my door open.

Why?

I've asked myself the same thing for the past few days.

What the fuck am I doing?

The slamming of my door brought me back from a heavy sleep. My head pounded and I wanted to fucking puke my guts out as I sat up in my bed. I brought my hands to my head and squeezed my eyes shut.

Hangovers suck balls.

"Answer me asshole!" Alice was using bad language with me. She must be really pissed.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Get the fuck out of my room!" I yelled and looked up. Alice was not taking my bullshit. She yanked the bed covers off from me to reveal my pathetic state. I was still wearing last night's clothes, shoes still on and an empty bottle of vodka at my side.

Pathetic, I tell you.

"You know exactly what the hell I'm talking about! Tanya? Really? You fucking kissed her!"

"I've done it before. I didn't hear you bitch then!"

"But it wasn't until you…ugh! You're pissing me off!" Alice shouted in her high pitch voice making my head ache worse. She paced around my room while I tried to clear my vision and bare my headache "And then, to make matters worse…you did it in front of her." She said sadly. "You should have seen her face…"

"I know. I saw it too." I said lowly, ashamed of myself and the bullshit that I do. But I have to. They will never understand. Alice and she will never know. If I don't do this now, the guilt I already feel, will worsen as I will manage to fuck something up eventually.

And then the fucking bet!

It's been hanging around my neck like a heavy chain and suffocating me every time I'm reminded of what kind of monster I was. Ever since I kissed Bella and ever since she said those words in her sleep. I realized that Bella wasn't the only one in need, I was to. Ever since I realized my need for her was more desperate than I had originally thought, my mind has been filled with guilt and panic.

Panic that I would hurt her…

Guilt I felt, realizing that I had already done that.

I have to get away. Even if it's the death of me.

I had to keep my distance from Bella.

I promised I would protect her. And I will. Even if it's me I have to protect her from, I will. She can think I'm asshole, but she'll get over it soon. And I'll stay the asshole and it'll kill me that she thinks that of me, but she'll be okay.

That was all that mattered.

I decided it.

It started the night Bella told me her story. It started the night I kissed Bella.

Yes, I kissed Bella.

I don't know how many times in the past few days, I have replayed that same scene in my mind, wishing it for it to happen again. I don't know how many times I have kicked myself when I would start to forget how her lips felt against mine. When I started to forget how warm she was and when I would start to forget her smell, I would ache. It hurt like hell.

Bella seemed upset after I kissed her and I felt like a fucking asshole for shoving my lips on her when she had just told me about her fucked up past. She didn't even kiss me back, but that wasn't what has me so fucking twisted. That wasn't what had me so lost.

I stayed in Bella's room all night. I was so paranoid that fucking asshole she had for a father, would come back and hit Bella again. I stayed and I didn't sleep. I would think about random shit and then I would slip into thinking about Bella's lips and when I felt myself dozing off, I would slap myself awake. I don't know how many times I walked over to the balcony door to check if Charles was home, but I really wasn't keeping count.

When I wasn't checking for Charles, I pulled at my hair or forcing my eyes to stay open. I had to stay awake…for her. But fuck, I was tired.

My eyes and body decided to fight me harder and I had finally fallen asleep. I began dreaming about something I can't remember now, when I suddenly felt a small and warm hand moving across my chest. I snapped my eyes open to find a sleeping Bella, wrapping an arm around me. She gently placed her head on my chest and mumbled something incoherent. I didn't know what else to do, so I wrapped my arms around her.

Holding Bella…

I like holding Bella.

A lot…maybe too much.

Her strawberry scent hit my nose and her warm body, soft and small, was so comforting. I decided I would go to sleep, this was too comfortable. I would surely hear when psychopath Charles got home. I would hear his cruiser driving into the driveway or his big boots walking into the house.

But that's not what I heard.

What I heard would haunt me for days to come. I would replay it a million times like a fucking sadist when I found myself alone, which would be all the time.

Bella nuzzled her face into my chest and sighed. She then gripped my shirt and then those words left her pretty little mouth.

"I love you." She whispered, so low I could barely hear her. She then kissed my chest, sending a weird, but holy spark of warmth all over my body.

Those words are what have made me a sick man today. I'm sick and I'm hurt. I hurt myself and I have made myself sick. I'm sick with misery and hurt with confusion and hollowness. I've done this to myself, but I can't think of anything else I deserve.

At first, I freaked out and decided that pulling me away would be the best thing. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. When Bella woke up the next morning, she acted as if she had not said those words to me. I was angry with her. Why did she have to say them? I can't stand those words. Worthy, I have not been of those words. How dare she? She's fucking selfish.

Did she even mean you? You're such a douche! Get your head out of your ass. She was dreaming. Why in the world would she be dreaming about you, jerk? She clearly wasn't having a nightmare, hence…you not being there.

She probably didn't even direct those words at me and she probably doesn't even remember saying them. She was asleep after all. But I was still fucked in the head. I didn't know how to act around Bella anymore. It was fucking stupid how three words freaked me out.

I ignored Bella. More like, I fucking acted like she didn't exist. I knew I was confusing her and she was probably sad about it, but I couldn't help myself. It's like my mind and body know when to stay away from anything that shows affection. It's like a defense mechanism. They're afraid to get hurt.

I'm a fucking coward.

I told Carlisle about Bella and Charles when I got home after spending the night with Bella. Carlisle and Esme were sick of me sneaking out and wanted to know, so I figured what better time. Bella needed someone responsible to help her. I'm nowhere near responsible. I had promised Bella to help her and she sort of had agreed. I wasn't going to sit around anymore, waiting for Charles to lose his fucked up mind again and smack her across her pretty face again.

Carlisle barked at me. He was fucking pissed I had kept it from him, but I was glad I had told him as he was determined to help her. He skipped work just to talk to the police. I wanted to go with him, but he made me go to school. Esme gave me this weird look when I had told them about spending time with Bella. She almost looked hopeful or pleased, I didn't understand. They both promised not to tell anybody about me being befriending Bella. People would hurt her in some way…people at school. I wouldn't control myself if they did. I couldn't really get into more trouble.

I was paranoid that Bella would fucking hate me for telling my dad, but then I realized I sort of wished she would have some negative of idea of me. If she did, it would create some distance between us. I figured that is what I needed…what we needed.

It sounded like a good idea…at the time. I just had to detach from Bella and she wouldn't need me…I wouldn't need her anymore. We would move on and she would finally find some happiness with someone that can give her everything and anything. She would be with someone that gave her the peace and freedom she deserved, not with some asshole like me.

But I fucking need her.

Why do you need her?

Because I…fuck you inner voice. I just do, alright?

Acting like an asshole will push her away.

It will.

I fucking hate it.

I tried my asshole act that same day, but the look of pure sadness on Bella's face, kept making me pull my hair out in frustration. It took everything in me to keep from going to Bella's locker and making some bullshit up so she wouldn't be pissed at me.

I'm not going to lie…I spied on her a few times during the day. I stared at her while she tried to open her locker. I found myself smiling at how she had her lip caught in between her teeth and how she furrowed her eyebrows as she concentrated on her lock. I chuckled.

This isn't working.

I suffered the whole day…I really suffered. It wasn't until I spotted a very angry Bella shoving her shit into her ugly truck, that I decided that I could at least say "hi".

I could do that and calm myself a little. I needed to see how she was doing. I had worried all morning, because she didn't text me to let me know she was alright. This would be relief for me. I'll just make sure she's alright and go on with my plan of detachment.

I failed. I ended up hugging and holding her. I wanted to take her to my house. I wanted to hide and protect her from the monster.

You've turned into such a pussy, Pussward! Are you forgetting that yourself are an asshole and a monster? If Bella knew all about your bullshit past and all the shit you've done to people, she would surely hate you. Why don't you do that? Tell her about the things you've done, white trash!

If my inner voice had a face, I would punch it.

That night, after Bella got home from the police station, I wanted to check and see how she was doing. I promised this would be the last time I would act like this. I promised myself I would keep my distance from her after this night. Just this once…just one more time…

I was such a fucking loser.

As soon as I felt Bella sitting next to me on her couch, I wanted to take her in my arms. This need was getting out of hand. She was becoming an addiction and like an unmotivated drug addict, I kept going for more and promising myself that "next time" I wouldn't. I would stop, but right after I would get one more Bella fix. I swear Bella is worse than heroin. I swore that this would be it. But when Bella snuggled into my chest, like always, it was hard to find the negative side in it all. It felt…right. It was a fix alright. I decided that I was just being a pussy and that I was just freaked out. This could work. Bella and I could be friends. I didn't have stay away from her and most importantly, I wouldn't hurt her.

I could be the good guy for once.

But then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and I saw it. I saw the happiness in Bella's eyes, now that Charles was gone. Bella's life was starting all over again. She had so much going for her now. I was supposed to ruin that. I was supposed to ruin her. And even If I tried not to, I would eventually hurt her. I would say or do something selfish and stupid and she would hurt. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I ruined Bella's second chance at life. She didn't deserve for me to fuck this up for her. I needed to stop being selfish for once in my fucking life and stay away from Bella.

She doesn't deserve it.

I deserve hell.

I'm never going to be the good guy.

I have spent the last few days ruining things on purpose. I wanted to start off slow, so I decided that talking to Bella less would eventually lead to not talking at all. Sneaking into her room less would lead to not sneaking into her room at all. The first time I decided to skip on sneaking into Bella's room, was the worst night of my life. I kept pacing around my room and thinking the worse.

What if Charles gets back?

What if he hits her again?

What if Bella needs something?

What if Bella falls while taking a shower and nobody is there to help her?

What if Bella is hungry?

What if Bella cuts herself? She's scared of blood and she is such a klutz.

What if he kills her?

I grabbed my keys and headed for her house. I didn't go into her room. She didn't even know I was at her house. I did what I have been doing for the past few days, I sit with Steve and Carl.

Steve and Carl are the two FBI agents that were sent to protect Bella and her mom and the same assholes that embarrassed me in front of Bella's mom. They laughed at me the first time I asked if I could stay with them in their car. They laughed when I said I wanted to watch over Bella. They teased me and said I was such a "lover boy" and I wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves, but they were pretty cool to let me stay in the back seat all night long.

The guys had interesting conversations and made me laugh sometimes. But most of the time, I spent my nights with my forehead against the car window and my eyes glued to Bella's balcony door. I wondered if she was drawing when her light was on or if she was actually sleeping when her lights were off. I ached. I desperately wanted to rush into her room and sleep in her warm bed with her warm body in my arms. But I knew that with every passing day, Bella was slipping away. It would be impossible for me to go to her now. She wouldn't open the balcony door for me, even if I scratched at it like a dog.

The door was closed for me.

Especially after last night…

I was alone at my house. Carlisle had taken Esme out to Port Angeles for a fancy and romantic Valentines Day dinner. Emmett took Rosalie out and Alice was picked up by Jasper.

I was alone.

I realized this would be my life. It had been my life. Ever since my real father left me and after my mother decided I wasn't a good enough reason so stick around, I knew it in my eight year old mind that I was to be alone…always.

I realized that I had never comprehended the concept of being alone, until this moment. I always said that I liked being alone and that is how I wanted it to be. But after spending so much time with Bella, I realized that now that I have pushed her away, loneliness aches. I cursed at her and blamed her for making me feel like shit. But the truth was that it was my fault. It was my own fault I felt like the worst asshole of all time. It was my fault that I walked around like a zombie and that I was alone.

It was all me.

But I had to do it.

I decided that a bit of vodka could make my self loathing and self pity go away. I drank a whole bottle in my bed while I sang to Van Morrison and struggled to think about anything else that wasn't Bella. But I failed of course and I banged my head on my headboard. I stared off into space and mumbled the words to "I'll Be Your Man," which I had left on repeat.

Fucking Bella…what the hell did you do to me? Fuck…

The door to my room opened, but I ignored it. I let the pain and vodka take over my body and closed my eyes. I felt a hand caress my chest and smelled expensive perfume. I didn't move. She began sucking on my ear lobe and her hand went lower down to my stomach. She began sucking on my neck when her hand reached my pants. She began rubbing me and while my dick and balls appreciated it, I felt like I was going to vomit. I snapped my eyes open to find Tanya sitting beside me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I growled and pulled away from her as if she was a disease. Knowing her, she probably was.

"Geez, Eddie…calm down." She said. "You didn't invite me anywhere for Valentines Day and I know your brother took Rosalie out and Jasper took Alice out. How about you and me?" She whined.

"How the hell did you get into my house? I should call the fucking cops on your ass!"

"Don't me mean, Eddie. I knocked but nobody answered. It turns out the front door was unlocked." She said and bit her lip trying to look sexy. Bitch didn't know she wasn't sexy and nobody's lip biting could compare to Bel…ugh. I need to get her out of my mind!

"Tanya, don't fucking call me Eddie! How many times have I fucking told you that? What the fuck do you want from me?" I shouted. I'm an asshole, but she's a stupid girl. Stupid girls put up with assholes. Maybe I belong with Tanya? I wouldn't be ruining anything.

It was ridiculous that just playing around with that last comment, made me feel like shit for thinking about it when Bella existed somewhere out in the world.

It's not like she was your girlfriend?

"Oh baby, it's just that when you gave me that teddy bear and those chocolates, I so thought you would ask me out tonight." She whined and I groaned. That fucking teddy bear.

Mike had decided to give Jessica something for Valentines Day to make up for the shit he did. He thought by getting her a stupid stuffed bear, she would forget that he cheated on her. Turns out Jessica didn't even want to look at the damn bear or Mike's stupid ass. In a kiddy fit, Mike threw the bear and chocolates on the floor. I just so happened to walk by and pick them up when I saw Tanya standing at her locker.

Bella would be there. She would hate me for this. This was it. The last straw and Bella would move on. She would forget about me and be safe. She would stop giving me those sad looks. She would stop looking at me with those big brown eyes, asking why I'm acting like an asshole. She would stop looking at me period.

I walked over to Tanya and acted like I was happy to see her. I worked my charm on her and shoved the teddy bear into her hands and she squealed like the damn idiot that she is. She hugged me and I glanced over at Bella. She looked confused, sad, hurt and I knew she was in pain. I was in pain by just looking at her. I shoved my tongue down Tanya's throat and made her moan. I shoved her into the lockers. A few months ago, this would have been fun. This would have turned me on. I would have taken Tanya outside and I would have fucked her against the school wall. I would have felt like a champion for making Tanya moan and squeal. But now, I felt like a complete asshole and I fucking hated myself as I pulled myself away from her. Bella's running footsteps confirmed to me that I had done it. I turned to see if I could catch a glimpse of her and I did. She looked so upset and hurt.

I had done it.

You usually feel proud when you succeed at something. I felt like an asshole.

I walked away from Tanya without saying goodbye and punched a few lockers on my way to mine. I kicked my car on when I reached it and slammed the door to my room so hard that it made my wall shake.

Why is this so hard? Why is creating distance between Bella and me so fucking painful and unbearable?

"Tanya, look…I'm sorry I confused you but…" Tanya knew I was trying to get rid of her and she wasn't having it. She pulled out a bottle of vodka from her purse and gave me a smile.

"I know it's your favorite and I thought I could get you something since…"

"Just open the damn thing!" I ordered a bit too harshly, even for Tanya, but she jumped up like I had asked her to give me a fucking blow job. What can I say, Tanya liked to give head.

I drank the whole bottle by myself. Tanya took a few sips and said it was fucking gross. She laid beside me and I felt like a cheater or a fucking traitor. This felt wrong. I wanted to tell Tanya to get the fuck out, but before I could say anything, she attacked my mouth and threw herself on me. She tasted wrong and her lips weren't warm and soft. Her body wasn't small or fragile. She didn't smell like strawberries. Her eyes and hair weren't brown.

She was all wrong.

All fucking wrong!

Somehow I had ended up on top of Tanya and in between her legs. I pulled myself away from her and tried to sit up, but she pulled me down. She pulled me by my shirt and wrapped her legs around my waist.

"Baby, I want to. We haven't in a long time!" she whined.

"Tanya…I c-c-can't. I'm fuck-ing drunkkk." I slurred and my room started spinning.

"Just pretend you're not and fuck me! I don't care." she demanded. I tried to clear my vision by rubbing my eyes. Tanya started sucking on my neck again and I felt disgusting. I tried to pull her away, but I was too drunk and I didn't have any strength. I looked for her arms to pull them off and tried moving my head away from her. Somehow I managed to pull her away from me and pushed her against the bed. I opened my eyes as I hovered over.

"Just pretend…"

There she was. Big brown eyes and creamy and soft skin, with tiny freckles on her nose…Bella. My Bella…beautiful Bella.

She smiled at me and I swear I fucking sighed out of joy. The small dimpled on her chin and how amazing a smile looked on her pretty face, made me chest ache.

"I miss you." I whispered brokenly and I could feel the tears running down my cheeks and the knot in my throat.

"Then come back." She whispered. I kissed her deeply, wishing it was really her. I groped her body in need, holding her tight to me, but she felt wrong. I moved my face into her neck sobbed for a few minutes like the pathetic piece of nothing that I am. I violently pulled away again and sat up.

"Get the fuck out my room Tanya!" I barked.

"But Eddie…"

"Please! Just leave me alone! You're wrong! You're all wrong! Get the fuck out!" I shouted and I wiped away the stupid tears. I was such a pussy. Tanya quickly got up and fixed her skimpy skirt and looked at me confused.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Edward? You're not the same anymore. We used to have mindless fun. You were fun…a little sad, but still fun. But now you're a walking depression…something really fucked up is going on with you. You need some fucking help!" She yelled and slammed my door shut as she left.

"I know…" I cried into the emptiness in my room.

Immediately I felt guilty. I sobbed into my pillow. I was too drunk to function and all these emotions were taking over. I was such an idiot. I felt the need to run to Bella and ask her to forgive me for making out with Tanya, but why the hell should I apologize? She was just my friend…nothing more…now she's nothing.

Why should she care? I bet she doesn't. I bet she doesn't even give two shits about me.

I threw my pillows across the room and something broke, but I didn't give a shit.

I stood up and stumbled down the stairs of my house. I decided I wasn't in any condition to drive, so I walked. I walked to Bella's house. I might have fallen a few times, but I wouldn't remember or cared. As I tried to climb the tree up to Bella's room, Carl tried to talk me out of it as I was too drunk, but Steve told him to leave me alone. I would learn my lesson my falling on my ass. But he failed to understand that I needed to see Bella. My need helped make it into Bella's room. Her door was unlocked, but it didn't mean she wanted me around.

She asked me to leave. I was probably freaking her out or she was pissed at me. Either way, Bella didn't want me around. I pretended it didn't bother me, but I could feel the ache in my chest. I still remembered the day she took care of me.

Is that what you want asshole? For Bella to take care of you? Is it because mommy didn't do it?

Fuck you inner voice! I just enjoyed having someone give a shit without asking for anything in return. Bella really gave a shit. I could feel it. I could see it. And now…I don't even have that. I have nothing.

I ended up on the floor in Bella's room. She asked me if I was upset because Tanya turned me down. I laughed.

She had no fucking idea that she was the one in my every thought.

My mind held me in its cage and tortured me with pictures of her. It replayed videos of the moments I have shared with her every hour of the day and made sure to remind me how I felt when I was with her and how I feel now. I was becoming a crazy caged animal and she had no idea how much I needed her to open the cage and tell me that it was okay for me to need her. I wanted her to tell me that she felt the same way for me and that she would fight for or with me, like I would. I would fight for her, but I was trapped in my own mind's cage. My only company was my self doubt and self pity.

She held the key and she didn't see it. I wanted her to set me free so I wouldn't feel this agonizing guilt and fear. I let myself have hopes of freedom when she held me in her arms as I laid on her room's floor. The way she looked at me and caressed my head, gave me hope and I didn't want it, because I knew I would fuck it up. I was a contradiction to myself, but again, it was all product of the cage I was trapped in. I was losing my mind. Her lips seemed like doors to a world I had never been to, but desired. It was a world with her and where I wouldn't feel this guilt and where I would be worthy of her friendship.

Somehow the word "friendship" didn't seem like a good enough word to describe what I wanted.

I found myself caressing her face and bringing her face down to mine. I wanted to kiss her again and peak at the world I wanted, but the demon inside of me reminded me of who I was and I did what all cowards do…I ran.

I fell down the tree and Carl and Steve helped me up. They didn't tease me and it probably had to do with the look on my face. They promised they wouldn't say anything about me being a minor clearly under the influence. They said it was "a bro" thing. "Women do that to us guys." They said they "understood."

Whatever.

Nobody understands me. I don't understand me.

Carl took me home and Steve stayed to look over Bella. He only did it because I begged him to stay. Well, "cried" could be another word to describe my pleading for him to stay with her.

Now at noon, I sit with Alice on my bed, while I stare at my wall. Nothing helped. Not even the fucking vodka managed to clear her out of my mind. I was going to die. This was too much to take.

You're such a fucking melodramatic teenager!

Yeah…well…I guess.

"She acted like nothing in art class, but I know she was hurt. Why are you doing this Edward? She needs you around." Alice said after we had spent ten minutes in silence.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me!" she demanded.

"I just have to. She'll be fine."

"Probably. After all you have told me about Bella, I know she is a strong woman. She is tough and brave even if she doesn't know it. She'll probably move on and make new friends and stop hurting, but how about you, brother?" Alice always knew what to say to make me question.

I kinda' hated her for it.

"I'll just be the brooding asshole everyone knows me to be. It'll be no different."

"It could be. It would be if you gave yourself a chance. Edward, you love…"

"Alice, please! Just drop it!" I had to stop her from saying those damn words. I would never say them. I wouldn't even admit it to myself.

"I can't. Bella needs you. You helped her get through shit and now you're going to leave when the shit leaves? You just can't do that to her!"

"It's for the best. You'll see…she'll find someone else to make her happy."

"But what if she wants that person to be you?" I chuckled darkly at Alice's words.

"Yeah right! The white trash kid! The guy with a dad in jail for drug dealing and a mother buried six feet under ground, probably still full of dope. The guy that agreed to take her virginity for money and pride. That fucked up motherfucker is the man for her! She's so fucking lucky!" I said sarcastically and laughed to hide my quivering lower lip and the knot in my voice. Alice shook her head and looked at me sadly.

"Is this what it's about? There you again, assuming things. You assume Bella would judge you. She wouldn't care about your past, Edward."

"Yeah, but what about me now? She would care when she found out what I agreed to do to her. She would fucking hate me. I'd rather have her thinking I'm the asshole that let our friendship die." I said and Alice took my hand.

"I love you Edward, because I see who you really are. You're not this monster that you think you are. Honestly, I'm tired of your "I hate me" bullshit. You need to stop this. You're a considerate, warm and strangely beautiful person. Show that person to Bella and I'm sure she'll love you to." She whispered and pressed her forehead on my shoulder.

"Don't say…"

"Yeah I get. Don't say love. It's a shame really. It's a beautiful thing. You deserve it and so does she." She said and I couldn't say anything to that. She kissed my cheek and jumped off my bed. "Just think about it. I love you brother." She said and walked out of my room.

"And I you sis." I said into my pillow, but she was gone.

Bella ignored me. She only had lunch in the cafeteria once, as it was raining bullets outside. I stared at her the whole time, but not once did she look toward me. English was torture. I was forced to be so close to her. I desperately wanted to touch her, but I held back and as a distraction talked to Angela.

I knew Angela and Alice had sort of befriended Bella and I couldn't help but feel joy that she finally had friends. I asked Alice and Angela how Bella was doing and they would tell me what Bella had told them throughout the day. I sort of felt bad that Bella was telling them her shit, thinking she could trust them, but they would tell me if I asked. I didn't understand why they were so willing to inform me of Bella's state. I don't know if it was because they could see the desperation in my face, but I was willing to bet on that.

On the last day of school, before our three day weekend, I caught Bella squinting and it angered me that she was still struggling to see. I asked her why and I sounded a bit too harsh, but she made sure to let me know that was a money issue. I could tell she just wanted me to leave her alone.

I was trying.

After school, I headed over to the bank before they closed and withdrew $500 bucks from my savings account and headed to the one person that could help me.

"Why are you giving me $500 bucks?" Alice asked confused. "I know you love me, but…"

"Well you shut up? They are not for you. They are for Bella." Her eyes widened as I said her name.

"Um…"

"She needs glasses. I don't know how much an eye checkup is or how much a pair of glasses are, but I think this can cover both" I said seriously and Alice's mouth fell open, but she then smiled and jumped on me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and squealed.

"You're so sweet!" I rolled my eyes.

I've turned into such a soft piece of shit. I've grown a vagina. Though I would like to think that I'm a lesbian…

"Why don't you take her yourself? I'm sure it would help with…"

"She wouldn't go with me. I'm sure she would rather walk around blind instead of having me buy her glasses. She likes you and I know she won't want to at first, but I know you sister. You're evil and I'm sure it won't be hard for you to convince her." I said and she nodded.

"You're right. Don't worry. I'll help you."

"Promise me you won't tell her…"

"I won't!"

"Call me if you need more."

I spent my free day with Jasper and Emmett. The guys wanted to play pool and just hang around. I sat on Jasper's couch and watched Emmett and him play. I wondered if Bella would be happy that she could see clear now and I found myself smiling at the idea. I texted Alice, asking her if they were done in Port Angeles and a few minutes later, she texted back saying they were busy. Emmett's phone rang and the smile that appeared on his face let me know it was Rosalie. I rolled my eyes at him.

Whipped pussy!

Jasper sat at the other end of the couch and turned on his TV and we spent another few hours playing video games.

What a waste of fucking time!

Jasper asked me a few times if I was alright.

Was it that fucking noticeable?

I decided to go back home and Emmett stayed back as Rosalie had arrived home and her parents weren't around. I gagged.

When I got home, I realized Alice was back. She parked her car like she was drunk and it was hard for me to squeeze into my space and it pissed me off. It put me in a bad mood. I have a short temper and I was already irritated as fuck. I barked at Alice as I walked into the house.

I looked for her in the living room and found her with Angela and some girl. I bitched at Alice, but stopped mid sentence when I realized the "other girl", wasn't just some other girl…it was Bella. My Bella, just all dolled up. Her hair was a darker chestnut brown color and curled and her clothes were tighter than her old clothes and fitting to her small frame, revealing some curves.

Yes I was fucking checking her out and drooling.

Fucking Alice…

I love that pixie…

She asked me if I thought Bella looked "awesome" and "pretty." Silly Alice, Bella looked beautiful.

Yeah I fucking said it.

I was too busy marveling at the perfection that was Bella, that I ignored Alice's questions. I took Alice into the kitchen to talk, after I realized that I would surely get a visible boner if I kept staring at the way that blouse made Bella's boobs look juicy.

Did I just say fucking refer to Bella's boobs as juicy? I wanted to fucking kick myself in the balls.

"What the fuck Alice?" I angrily whispered. "I thought I said to get Bella glasses, not go all "What Not to Wear" on her!" I said through my clenched jaw. She giggled.

"I can't believe you know the name of that show!"

"Fuck off! Where are her glasses? I don't see any!"

"You're not supposed to see them. They are stuck to her eyeballs." Snarky Alice was so fucking annoying.

"Contacts?" I asked and she nodded proudly. "How come I didn't think of that?"

"Because you're an idiot, but I love you."

"So I'm guessing it was pretty cheap since you got Bella a haircut and a new blouse and some jeans…" I said and Alice giggled.

"Um something like that…" I glared at her. "Angela's dad gave her free contacts for six months and did the check up for free. I took the liberty in buying Bella a few bags of new clothes…" she rushed the whole sentence as if it would make me less upset.

"Bags?"

"Do you not want Bella to enjoy some new clothes? The poor girl doesn't have much."

"Yeah…I guess. I'm glad my money could be used for good. But why make-up? My Bella doesn't need that fucking shit on her face. I can't even see her freckles!" I sounded like a whipped pussy myself, but I didn't care. How dare she take liberties with Bella's face?

"I'm going to ignore that you said "my Bella" and ask you. Don't you like the way she looks? I mean, I know she is naturally really pretty, but did you not see her?"

"I did."

"And?"

"I like it. She looks amazing."

"Then why are you bitching?"

"I like being a dick." I smirked and she rolled her eyes and headed back to the living room. I followed behind and when Bella saw me, she quickly turned away.

I caused this.

Alice made some bullshit up and it was obvious she wanted me to take Bella home so I volunteered. I was a really bad idea. I couldn't stop staring at her. I was so fucking distracted; I almost lost control of the car a few times. She filled my car with her scent and I could feel her warmth on the passenger side. I wanted to reach out to her.

I'm pathetic, but how the hell can anybody blame me? Bella…she was…um…just…

I felt like a moron after I decided to play "I'll be your man" by Van Morrison, because clearly Bella didn't appreciate me putting it on. It probably reminded of her of how much of a dick I am. Not that she needs reminders. I didn't know what the hell I was trying to do. I felt like were back in square one. It felt like the time I gave her a ride for the first time. I felt like we weren't close anymore and I couldn't stand the feeling.

I wanted her to mouth the words like she did last time. But Bella just stared out the front window.

Thankfully, we made it to her house and I didn't have to be in this suffocating position. I waved at Carl and Steve while Bella opened her door and they waved back. Bella tried grabbing all her bags, probably thinking it would stop me from helping her and going into her house, but she needed help. I offered to help and she agreed…annoyed of course.

As we climbed up the stairs, I couldn't help but stare at Bella's ass. Those jeans were sent from the jean gods. They were especially made for Bella's perfect round ass…I need help.

We headed to her room, passing some baby pictures of her on the walls. I smiled as I followed Bella into her room. I wanted to know the stories behind those pictures and I didn't even know why. This was all weird to me.

We finally made it to her room and I placed the bags on top of her bed and nervously turned to face her. No matter how many times I glanced at Bella or studied her face, her beauty never failed to amaze me. She stood in the middle of her room, waiting for me to leave. Her lower lip in between her teeth and I sighed at that full bottom lip.

I want to taste it again. What if I just have one more taste? One more…

Get the fuck out of here!

"Do you need anything else?" I asked and I knew she would say no, but I wished she would say yes and ask me to stay.

Please, Bella give me an excuse to stay. I want to stay with you.

"Thanks, but no." she answered while crossing her arms on her chest and my heart sunk. She refused to look at me and wanted me to get the hell out of her house.

I ached.

It hurt.

"Um…alright." I said hoping she didn't hear the knot in my throat. I started walking to her door when I inhaled her scent again.

I haven't told her.

There was so much I wanted to say. Hoping I could fix this a little.

I don't know what made me do it, but I did.

I quickly turned to face her again. I slowly walked over to her and I could feel my hands shaking and my heart pounding. I reached out and took one of her hands in mine and I immediately felt her warm skin and I held in a sigh.

"Bella…" I whispered. I had no more strength or will. "I just wanted to say…" I pulled her into my chest and wrapped my arms around her waist and I was angry that she let me. She should slap me and tell me to go fuck myself. She should hate me, but here she was letting me hurt us even more. But maybe she wanted this just as bad as I did.

I loved the way her ears popped out of her hair. I placed my lips on one of them, just letting them graze it. I inhaled my favorite smell and I could feel myself shake.

"You're beautiful." I don't know how I had managed to say it or where I had found the balls, but I felt as if I didn't say it, I would explode. She whimpered at my comment and the sound with straight to my dick. All of a sudden, I was so intoxicated by her smell and sounds and so turned on.

"So fucking beautiful." I whispered again and I was surprised at how out of breath I was. I slowly grazed her creamy skin with my nose until I reached one of her eye lids and pressed my lips there. I placed another kiss on her cheek. "You do shit to me and I fucking hate it." I hated that I had no control over my own body around her and I just wanted to touch her. This "distance bullshit" was really fucking with my mind. As soon as I was close to her, my body demanded to get closer. I pressed my lips to her jaw and I desperately wanted to run my tongue along side all of it. But I held back and instead turned her body to face me. I heard her breathing heavily.

I ran my hands to her waist. I kissed her forehead and pressed mine against it after I was done adoring her there. She placed her hands on my chest and I was happy she did. I lowered my hands lower and when as my fingers made contact with the bare skin on her waist, that damn a spark of warmth started from my finger tips to my chest.

Can she feel that to? She has to…

I opened my eyes to find hers lazily opened. I stared at her full and soft lips.

Oh how I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I could feel it my core. I wanted to kiss her forever. I needed to. I fucking needed to. She wanted me to. I wanted to give in and give us both the physical contact we both needed and wished for.

Bella, I want to kiss you so badly.

I placed my right index finger under chin and lifted her face a little. I lowered myself so I could press mine to hers, but just as I was about to, I saw how vulnerable and innocent she was. She had no idea of the kind of monster I was. She had no idea that the guy she wanted to be kissed by, agreed to fuck her for money. She had no idea of the trash I was, and yet here she was willing to let me kiss her.

She had no idea I how badly my body ached for hers and how much I wanted to push her into her bed and have my way with her. I felt like such an asshole for wanting to fuck her when all I've been doing lately is hurt her. When I almost fucked Tanya while thinking it was her…I was a disgusting human being. I realized this was never going to happen.

I was never to have Bella, not only physically but emotionally, because I didn't deserve her. I deserved a girl like Tanya or some other stupid girl. Not Bella. Not her and her innocent and perfect spirit. She deserved so much better. She could still have her first real kiss and it wouldn't be by some asshole.

I shook my head and pulled away from her.

Her eyes watered and her lower lip trembled. She felt rejected. She had no idea how much I did want her. Her tears ran down her cheeks and I had managed to hurt her yet again. It was the only thing I seemed to be good at. I pressed my forehead against hers again and wrapped my arms around her body, holding her tight to me.

"Why are you doing this?" she cried and I wanted to explain everything to her, but there was no use.

I had to let her go.

But I did answer with honesty.

"I don't know." I whispered brokenly. It was the truth. I don't know why I had done this or why I needed her so much. I didn't know.

"Do you know how much it hurts?" her voice broke with each word.

"Yes…like hell. It fucking hurts." I sniffed. I held my back my own tears.

"Then why do you do it?" She choked and I shook my head.

"I don't know." I said disappointed I couldn't tell her. Bella's face and eyes hardened and she furrowed her eyebrows. She suddenly and unexpectedly pushed me off, slapping my chest, hard.

"Then get out!" She shouted.

It hurt.

"I said get out!" She shoved me again and I begged for her to stop. I tried taking her hands, but she pulled away from me and slapped me in the face.

I took it.

"Get out of my house Edward…and don't come back." She finally managed to shove me out of her room and slammed the door in my face. I could hear her crying on the other side of the door and I couldn't bare the idea and sound of it. It was painful. I begged for her to let me in. I wanted to beg her. I wanted to beg for forgiveness.

But then Bella asked to me to leave her alone.

It was over.

This is what I wanted…but why did I fucking hate it?

I finally gave up and left her house. I clenched my jaw and stared straight ahead as I drove back home. I tried keeping the stupid tears from escaping my eyes as I drove. I shouldn't cry. She was just a friend.

No.

But she was my Bella and I want her.

I love her.

I know!

We didn't get anywhere new, but at least you got EPOV. So….do we still wanna slap Eddie or comfort Eddie and then slap him? I want to do all that and then kiss him. Bahaha

Anyway, I was really excited to show you the second half, as very exciting things happen, but it will up soon. It's all written, I just have to make some changes and proofread it (though I suck at that). Give me a maximum of three days.

I would really love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Edward finally realized it! Who has it worse, Edward or Bella? So Review button + you= me totes luvs you. Bahaha

Again and always, thanks crazy9girl for the banner.

P.S I've never gotten teary eyed with my own story, because I'm the one making it up, but this chapter almost did it. Damn Edward.