OME I know, almost a freaking month! But all my classes decided to give me exams and I had the worst writer's block EVER! My brain was empty of angsty goodness bahaha

Hope you're still with me. I'm not going to leave so don't leave me **cries and begs dramatically***

Here is Edward. How I've missed him! Have you? Thank you and buckets of love for edwardrocksmysocks, who you folks know, rocks MY socks for fixing what I call "my writing." Title of chapter taken from Incubus and their song "Love Hurts."

Fits Edward in this chap…you'll see or read...

Ch23/Edward/Love Hurts

"Are you alright?" I asked Bella as I held her in my arms. We were sitting on her couch while everyone in the living room was eyeing us. Before she could leave me again I shook her and begged her to stay.

Bella stayed this time. She didn't go that place in her mind.

She took deep breaths trying to calm down as I rubbed her arms. Her mother looked confused and I knew she had no idea that Bella zoned out or that she was so fucking scared of that monster she married. I was so stressed out about Charles and worried about Bella that I wanted to take it out on Renee for being so fucking stupid. I wanted someone to blame and she seemed appropriate. But I controlled myself because if Bella didn't blame her, who the hell was I? Besides, my Bella needed peace right now.

"Where is he?" Bella asked and it felt like a right hook to my gut. I could tell she was scared and I wished I could do something else besides assure her that everything was going to be okay. The damn truth was that I didn't know. I opened my mouth to answer her, but nothing came out. Instead I turned and looked at Agent Molina who nodded at me.

He explained to her that Charles had been spotted trying to take a plane to Seattle from California. He must have spotted the men after him because he never boarded and they don't know where he went. Bella tensed up in my arms as Agent Molina confessed that they had lost him and I held her tighter to me. He left after assuring Bella that she and her mother were safe. Bella began to sob into my chest. I kissed her forehead and whispered how everything was going to be okay in an attempt to comfort her.

Why do people do that? Why do we promise everything is going to be okay if we have no fucking clue if it will?

It will, you asshole. If you finally used your fucking balls and man up for her.

"Bella, don't worry. I won't let anybody hurt you again…ever," I assured her. She didn't answer back.

"Yeah Bells, we won't let anything happen to you," Jacob said sitting next to us. I had forgotten he was here and how much he got on my fucking nerves. I rolled my eyes at him.

Renee made dinner, but nobody was hungry. Well Jacob, being the giant that he is, helped himself to a few servings while Bella and I sat on her couch. I sighed into her hair. It felt so fucking good to hold her, but best of all, was that she was letting me and not pushing me away.

"Do you think he wants to come back here?" She asked finally breaking the silence.

"I don't know Bella. I hope not. But if he does, it would be fucking stupid of him."

She finally pulled away from my embrace and looked at me in the eyes.

"I don't like being scared Edward," she whispered. I caressed her cheek and sighed. "It hurts sometimes, you know? The fear, it hurts."

"I know," I whispered back and leaned to kiss her cheek. She smiled sadly at me and looked towards the kitchen. Renee and Jacob were busy in their own conversation. "I promise that I won't let anything happen to you. It's my job to protect you."

"Your job?"

"More like duty. No matter what, I'm here." She snuggled back into my arms and kissed my chest, right over my heart. I felt my breathing stop. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped like a damn fool. It always caught me off guard when Bella showed affection. I mean I loved it, but I couldn't get enough of it. I wanted more. I was always too late. When I would realize that she had kissed me, her lips were no longer on my skin. It was cruel really; cruel that I was only getting a bit of her. It made me so damn happy when she would kiss me instead of me doing it. It gave me hope.

Maybe she felt something for me to.

Bella loosened up her arms around me and sat up when Jacob came back. I hated him more. He turned the TV on and I knew he wasn't leaving which irritated me further. Though he couldn't get the fucking clue that he was being such a third wheel, I let it pass since Bella giggled at his stupid jokes and comments of everything we watched on TV. I could tell he was only doing it to lighten the mood up and I shut my mouth.

Bella needed it.

After another hour, Jacob finally left and Bella stood up.

"I'm going to get some sleep," she said and looked at me. She wants me to leave. I don't know why this bothered me so much. It was part of our agreement, but I wanted to stay with her. I couldn't bear to leave her now. I need to be close to her…always.

Is that too much?

Maybe, but I don't give a shit. I've waited a fucking long time to feel some sort of connection to another person and now that I found her, I want her all day and every day. I wanted to protect her and comfort her. I wanted to make her happy.

What a fucking sap Cullen!

Again, I don't care.

I stood up and nodded while she smiled sadly at me.

"I know you're probably not in the mood," I stated while taking her hands in mine. "But I'm taking you to Port Angeles tomorrow."

"What? Edward, what if he's…"

"He won't be there. Besides, do you actually think he would try something with me around?" I asked and she blinked while contemplating the idea. "Look Bella, you need this. You need to get of this town for a while and have some fun. I can be fun." I smiled at her and pulled her in for a hug.

"You can be fun?" She asked into my chest and I chuckled.

"Do you doubt it?"

"No, I just really like the idea. I like fun." I kissed her forehead and if she wouldn't have put restrictions in the 'friend' department, I would have tried to kiss her again. We hadn't had a real kiss and it was starting to bug the hell out of me.

All I could do now was stare at her full and delicious lips and…

"Get out of here Cullen," she interrupted my thoughts. She was smiling at me and I knew she had caught me.

"So that's a yes?" I waggled my eyebrows and she giggled lightly. "Please?"

"Okay, just don't beg. You look like a dog." I laughed and gave her one more hug before she kicked me out for real.

"You sure you want me to leave?"

"Edward," she muttered.

I woke up the next morning with a fucking smile on my face and practically jumped off my bed. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, tried to fix my hair, but that was a lost cause. I dressed in my best clothes, but then thought it was too much and Bella would freak out. I went back to some jeans and a jacket.

I raced downstairs and even though I was an hour early, I could hardly wait. Before leaving last night, Bella and I had agreed on spending the entire day out. As I made it to the kitchen and I spotted Esme humming while cooking breakfast. I smiled and rushed to her. I hugged her from behind and she yelped as I squeezed her tight. I let her go and she turned to me with a surprised look on her face.

"Good morning Edward," she said and I laughed at her confusion.

"Good morning."

"May I ask what is wrong with you?"

"Wrong?"

"Yes, you give hugs now? Wait, who is the lucky lady?"

"Es…Mom don't start…" I couldn't fool her.

"Who is it?"

"Just a girl."

"Can't be just a girl. She has you giving hugs and with the biggest grin I've seen on your face." I didn't even realize I was grinning until she pointed it out. I tried wiping it off my face, but I just couldn't. Not today. I chuckled.

"Can't I just give you a hug? I feel really bad about how I've acted these…um…uh past 10 years," I muttered and Esme smiled. "I'm sorry I've acted like an asshole. I could say that I was doing it for attention, but I have no excuse." I have no idea what the hell I was doing. Am I apologizing? I think a simple 'I'm sorry' wasn't enough, but Esme smiled. She took my face in her hands and kissed my right cheek.

"I love you son."

"I love you too Mom," I whispered and she wrapped her arms around me.

"I really gotta meet this girl. I owe her my life." I held back the silly, cheesy feelings that I wanted to spill out of my eyes, but I acted cool. "Is she the reason you got all handsome?"

"You noticed? Is it too much? Do I look like a fucking douche bag?" I asked worried and she just laughed.

"Oh Edward, you look handsome. She is one lucky lady. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll love you." I'm not sure if Esme knew how much I wish that were true.

~/~/~

"Good morning Edward," Renee said smiling as she let me in her house. "Aren't you early?" I blushed in embarrassment.

Blush?

I'm turning into a girl.

"Um…uh I think my clock is ahead or something." I suddenly suck at lying.

"Bella will be down in a few. I have to go to work, so make yourself at home." Renee surprisingly gave me a quick hug and left before I could react.

I sat on the Swan's couch and nervously fidgeted with finger nails. Why was I so fucking nervous? It wasn't like this was a date or anything. It could be…this was just two friends hanging out. But somehow I knew this was my second chance and I feared I would fuck it up. I couldn't and wouldn't fuck it up. If I had to be prince fucking charming, I would.

After what probably was only five minutes, but felt like hours, Bella finally made her way down the stairs. I quickly stood up and ran to the end of the stairs like an eager puppy waiting to be petted. Bella looked beautiful. She wore a pair of black jeans and a white blouse and the way her curled brown hair contrasted against the white, made me gasp.

She finally looked at me and stopped in the middle of the staircase. The blush on her cheeks and the way she bit down on her lower lip made me smile and apparently mute.

"Hey," she whispered and I just nodded. "You're early." Again I nodded. I'm a fucking idiot. I used to think I had game and I could bone any girl I wanted, but with the girl I love I have no idea how to impress her. Fucking life…

"You look great," she said as she began descending the rest of the stairs. I just smiled like a moron wishing that I could say how beautiful she was, but somehow words could never fairly describe it. Suddenly my hands were sweaty and I had lost my breath. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans as she got to me and tried to regain my breathing. She smelled fucking amazing. A little fruity, a mix of her damn strawberry shampoo and her Bellaness. Great, I'm making words up now.

"You okay?" She asked and I just gulped and muttered something that was supposed to sound like "yep" but sounded like a foreign language. She giggled and waited for me.

"Um…you ready?" I finally managed to let out. She followed me outside and I waited as she locked her house door. She walked toward me and I quickly opened the passenger door for her. As she was about to jump in, I stopped her and kissed her forehead. "You look beautiful," I whispered and brushed some of her hair behind her ear as she blushed that pretty shade of red.

"You too," she sighed and we both laughed.

"I know this is not a date but I feel like I should've brought some flowers or something," I mumbled and she shook her head.

"That would've been tacky. I like originality." She smirked and I rolled my eyes which caused her to giggle as she jumped into the car.

"What do you wanna listen to?" I asked as I put the car in motion. "Van Morrison, Blue October, indie, pop, alternative, 1990 chick power songs," I joked sending Bella into another round of giggles.

"Uh, how about 'Bitch' by Meredith Brooks?" She teased and I chuckled.

"Sadly I lost that song. But I do have Kings of Leon."

"How do you go from chick power songs to that?"

"Oh I just really like the Kings of Leon," I said and she nodded in agreement. I selected Kings of Leon's 'On Call' on my iPod and turned to face Bella. I was surprised to catch her staring at me. "Do I have something on my face? I shaved…"

"Shut up," she laughed, but quickly quieted. "You know something, Edward? Sometimes, I feel like I've known you forever. Like, there is nothing I don't know and that feels comfortable, but then sometimes I feel like I'm missing so much of you. I hardly know you beyond our new friendship," she said lowly while looking out her window. Her words made me nervous.

I thought we knew everything that was needed to be known of each other. Besides, it wasn't like I had a pretty past. I've blocked most of it from my memory, but it has always come back to make me the bitter and cold kid everybody knew me as. Now, I could say I used to be that guy.

I used to be.

With Bella, I'm new. It's one more reason to like her. Scratch that. It's one more reason to love her. Thinking or talking about the past just doesn't seem like a good idea. I doubt she would like me after.

"Well, what do you wanna know?" I asked nervously.

"Everything. I want to know every little embarrassing thing to the proudest moment of your life," she said and I could hear the smile in her voice as I stared at the road.

"I don't think I have a lot of proud moments, but I'm the king of embarrassment. More like, of shit infested days and past. You would hate me."

"No I wouldn't. Besides, it's not like you're the only one with a bad or scary history," she mumbled and I felt like an ass. "Just spit it out Edward. I'm your friend, remember? I'm here to listen. You've listened to me. You don't know how much I love that you did."

"Really?" I asked excitedly and she smiled at me.

"Yes. It was so freeing finally telling someone. It made me feel free. I'm glad I chose you. I'm glad you didn't think less of me for what I've been through."

"I could never," I assured her. "On the contrary, it made you stronger in my eyes. I felt so weak compared to you."

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know, it just…" I stumbled with my words. "It just made me realize I have been acting like a total asshole these years and I've blamed it on the life I had before I lived with my foster family. That shit doesn't compare to what you went through. You made me realize I needed to change who I was. If you didn't hate the world, why should I?"

"Will you tell me of that life one day?" She asked and I didn't answer. "After all, Edward wouldn't have brought me my first Happy Meal. He wouldn't have given me a phone just in case I was in trouble. He wouldn't have defended me from Rosalie nor would he have told his father about what my father did to me so that I could finally get some help or spend the night with me that first night after he saw what my father did to me, without having lived what he lived through. I believe our past shit or mistakes can make us better or worse and it's up to us to choose. You've chosen." She said and I sadly smiled at the road.

I suddenly felt her hand cover my free one and squeeze it lightly.

"You can act all tough ass or pissed, Cullen, but I know you and for that reason alone you can be whoever you truly are around me. You can be free too." I smiled again and pulled her hand to my lips and lightly kissed it.

"One day," I whispered and turned to find her with a content look on her face.

I had never enjoyed the fucking mall so much in my life.

I tried holding Bella's hand in public, but even something as innocent and simple was so fucking hard. We had held hands before, but in public that would be like announcing we were dating and according to Bella that was a "hell no" at the moment. It hurt, but I knew-or at least thought I knew- why Bella had placed me in the 'friend box' but goddamn was I impatient. Maybe I had been too direct when I told her I wanted to her boyfriend. It wasn't my fault, it just came out. I hadn't even thought of it until the moment Bella's eyes looked at me that night.

I became a fucking softy who suddenly wanted to play girlfriend and boyfriend with Bella. But who gives a shit. Besides, I think it would be kinda…nice to have her as my girl. I'm tired of being alone and Bella deserves someone to finally worship her instead of putting her down. I could do that. I would do that. I would be at her feet. I think I already am.

We walked through the mall side by side. I was so freaking out. I felt like I was on my first date again…well I've never been on an actual date so maybe the freaking out was normal.

Date?

I hope this is a date.

The weird thing is I always imagined myself doing this to get laid. Though one day I would like to get very laid by the girl next to me, sex was the farthest thing from my mind.

Surprising much?

At one point her hand hung by her side looking like a great opportunity to take it mine. Like usual, I over thought about it and right before I could decide, she stuffed her hands in her jeans' pockets.

Bella found amusement in shit I used to ignore and it wasn't in stupid clothing or shoe stores—like I'm sure girls like Tanya or Rosalie would've liked—t was all the lonely and random antique and art shops. They weren't packed with stupid teenagers or douche bags. There were always a few old or nerdy looking people looking around. I would sigh in relief. Bella would point at some paintings and sculptures and tell me the whole fucking history of them and how the particular style of art came to be. I used to think it was fucking stupid the mall had these kinds of stores as nobody ever came in here and who really gave a shit? But then the look on Bella's face every time she spotted something she liked made me understand.

"You want it?" I asked as she kept fingering a wooden bracelet with a wooden heart.

"I wish. I have no money," she muttered and I smiled as she didn't get what I was trying to say. So I grabbed the bracelet from her hands and ignored her protests as I headed to the register.

"Edward, that bracelet is too expensive. It was carved by real Apache Indians." I rolled my eyes that she knew that. "You shouldn't!" She said and tugged on the sleeve of my jacket.

"Bella, its just a few bucks."

"More like a few bucks times twenty."

"I wanna buy it for you."

"Why?" She asked as I handed the lady at the register my credit card.

"Because, other guys have female friends that make them buy them expensive shoes and clothes but I have a really cool friend who just wants a bracelet. I'm the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. Besides, you should have seen the look on your face when you found that bracelet. You're so damn cute," I said as the lady handed me the small bag with the boxed bracelet. Bella just smiled and rolled her eyes, but she couldn't think she was distracting me from her beautiful blush.

"Thank you Edward," she whispered to me as we walked out of the art store. I could hear the honest gratitude in her voice. I could feel the warmth in my chest and I had to take a breath so it wouldn't overwhelm me. I'm being over dramatic, but it happens. "But you don't have to buy me things because I'm your friend. I would like you regardless."

"I know, but I like making you happy. That bracelet makes you happy, so it's now yours." She smiled at me and I really wish she would let me kiss her or at least hold her hand as we walked. "How about a movie?"

"A movie?" She asked excitedly and I couldn't help but chuckle. She looked like she was five. It had been a long time since anybody I knew got this excited about going to the movies.

"Yeah, I hear there's this chick flick about some girl who falls for a vampire."

"Sounds like crap," she muttered, but then grinned widely. "I totally wanna watch it!" She cheered and I laughed loudly, causing some people to stare but I didn't give a shit.

Of course I wasn't surprised to know Bella had not been to the movies since she went when she was ten years old with that dog Jacob Black and his dad. I bought the biggest bucket of popcorn and drink with two straws and Bella gave me the puppy eyes for some Twizzlers which I, of course, fell for. Bella could ask me for all my money and she had no idea how easy I would give in.

It was early in the day and the movie had been out for weeks now, so Bella and I were the only ones in the theater room.

It was great.

I held the giant soda after Bella teased me for picking the size and we both spent the commercials stuffing our faces with popcorn. I turned to look at her after a few minutes and smiled at how she licked the butter from her lips.

If I were her boyfriend, I would do it for her.

Yes, I realized I was pathetic, but I couldn't possibly be blamed for this. She was just so damn beautiful and desirable and the funny thing is that she had no fucking clue how sexy and cute she could be.

I hardly paid attention to the movie. All I knew was that the vampire guy was such an emo asshole, but apparently that's what the girls swoon over. Not only was the girl in the movie dazzled by the pale jackass, but so was Bella. I chuckled at how she gasped when he and his human girl were in trouble and how she sighed when they finally kissed.

"You're such a girl," I whispered and she turned to slap my arm.

"Shut up!" She giggled.

"Just stating facts."

"You're just jealous that vamp boy has a way with the ladies and you don't," she teased and I laughed loudly while feeling relieved we were the only ones in the theater.

"I think I'm good with the ladies."

But I totally suck at trying to woo you.

"Oh really? I haven't noticed," she muttered and I could hear the sarcasm in her voice.

The emo vampire and his human girlfriend went to prom after she almost died and the movie finally ended. Seriously who likes this crap?

"I loved that movie. I'm going to read the books," Bella sighed as we walked out of the theater.

"Bella!" I groaned and she giggled. "How do you even know there are books?"

"The credits clearly said, "based on the books by…"

"Smart ass," I muttered.

"You asked!"

"I know I did," I said and playfully scowled at her. "You hungry?"

"Um yeah…"

"Great, because I know just the place."

I drove nervously to the fancy pants Italian restaurant. I didn't want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable. This was just friends having dinner…at a really nice restaurant.

"Edward?" She asked and I nervously smiled to let her know I was listening. "You alright?"

"Of course!" I blurted. I almost slapped myself for responding so quickly and sounding so pathetic.

"I don't know. You seem so…nervous."

"Quit staring at me Swan," I mumbled and she giggled. God I love it when she giggles.

"I can't help it. You're so beautiful."

"Shut up."

"No, but seriously. Is there something wrong?" I had never felt someone so honestly concerned with me. I know I'm a little drama queen, but the way Bella asked and the way she looked at me as if she was so worried, warmed every part of my chest. I couldn't help but smile.

"Of course, Bella. I'm just so worried about fucking this up. I always lose and I can't help but blame myself for it. I don't wanna lose with you. I want to win you. Better yet, I want to deserve your friendship. Just tell me if I start fucking it up." I stared at the lights ahead of me and she said nothing which only made me even more nervous.

We arrived at the restaurant and it was crowded as fuck. Luckily I had called a few days ago to reserve a table, but still had to wait because the place was jammed. I felt Bella tense up. As I turned to look at her, she grabbed my hand and leaned her small body into mine.

I should've taken her hand myself.

The host walked us to our table and I kept Bella's hand in mine. I held it tight just in case she decided she didn't have to have it in mine anymore. I'm a beast, but I was going to make sure she was with me. I finally released her hand as she sat across from me and I could already feel the panic that I was losing her.

Yeah, I know.

Clingy much?

"You come here a lot?" Bella asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Um not really. I feel really weird with all of these rich folk," I muttered and she smiled. "It's just a place Carlisle takes Esme to on Valentine's Day." I quickly wanted to slap myself. "It's not that this…I'm not trying to…uh…um…"

"Edward," she placed her small hand on top of mine. "I get it." She smiled at me and I just rolled my eyes, trying to play it cool.

"It's funny how every plate has a detailed, almost poetic description of what it is," she said while she looked at her menu. "I think I'm lost."

"Bella it's just food. Not rocket science," I teased and she glared at me.

"I just don't want you to spend so much money on something I might not like." I sighed heavily and she shook her head. "I'm just saying…"

"Bella, don't worry about me and money. I have plenty. I'm not showing off or anything, I just don't want you to worry."

"But I'm sure your father wouldn't like it."

"Bella…" I didn't wanna tell her this, nor have this conversation, but she was just so damn stubborn. "It's not Carlisle's money I'm spending…its…" I sighed. "It's my dead mother's fortune, plus the money my real dad gave to me. I didn't have access to it until I turned 18 and so it grew over the years. Since I was nine, it just sat in a bank account earning interest. So don't worry about me and money and order a steak," I said and gave her a smile.

"I don't really like steak."

"Well get something you do like," I chuckled.

"I wish I knew what half of this stuff was," she whispered to herself and I chuckled. She eyed the menu and turned to look around. I could tell she was feeling out of place and so was I. She nervously bit into her lower lip as she scanned the room and started to rock back and forth. It was probably because of how the crowded the place was.

It made her nervous.

"Hey, you know what I've been craving?" I asked trying to sound as honest and convincing as possible. "Some McDonalds…"

"Really?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I haven't had some in a while."

"The chicken nuggets were good," she said grinning into her menu.

"Soooo…how about we get the hell out of this snobby place and get us some extra salty fries, chicken nuggets and a milkshake?" I said waggling my eyebrows causing her to giggle.

"But you already drove here and called in reservations…"

"Who cares? Come on!" I said standing up and taking her hand to help her off her chair.

"Edward, you're crazy!" With her hand in mine, I led her to the doors when the host stopped us.

"Leaving so soon?" She asked and we didn't even stop so I just shouted over my shoulder.

"We realized you had no chicken nuggets on the menu! Blasphemy!" Bella giggled all the way to the Volvo.

We got two chicken nugget Happy Meals and a couple of strawberry milkshakes back in Forks and drove to somewhere we could eat. I parked on the side of the road and led Bella to my meadow that I wanted to make hers. The sun was already setting and so I knew we had little time before it got dark. I grabbed a couple of flashlights from the trunk that were left there from a camping trip we took months ago alongside a blanket.

Bella kept asking where I was taking her as she held the bag of food and her milkshake while I carried the flashlights and blanket. I ignored her and kept walking. We finally reached the meadow and started to fix the blanket so we could sit and I looked up at her. She was staring at the meadow in amazement and I chuckled at her amusement.

"It's so beautiful here," she whispered as I took the stuff out of her hands.

"I know, it's my favorite place." I sat on the ground and she did the same. We ate our nuggets and fries in silence until we were done. I scooted my body to get as close as possible to her.

"Why is it your favorite place?" She finally asked as we stared at the sunset. I felt this would be a part of a chick movie Alice would be watching while I rolled my eyes. But I liked this…with her…with my Bella.

"It's hard to find and there's nobody ever here. It's my place to get away from it all."

"From what?"

"People. I've never been a people person. Always wanted to keep to myself, but nobody seems to understand that. They take it negatively, like I hate them or something. I mean, I dislike most people, but I just like to be alone."

"I understand you," she said softly and turned to look at me. "I didn't mind being alone, before you and I became friends." I smiled at her and wrapped an arm around her, hoping she didn't mind.

"Now?"

"Now loneliness seems so evil and unnecessary," she whispered as she snuggled into my neck. "What made you want to show me your secret place?"

"I want to share it with you. Make it our secret place…as cheesy as that sounds."

" No, I love it," she said and I could feel her smile on my neck making me grin like an idiot. "I really love it."

And I love you. I swear I do.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Where is your dad?"

"Probably at the hospital."

"No, you're real father." I gulped and thought about what I was going to answer her. I figured the truth.

"He's in jail," I confessed.

"For what…if you don't mind me asking?"

"He was a drug dealer and he killed someone." She didn't say anything, staying silent for a moment and I feared this would cause her to back away. Instead she held me tighter.

"How old were you?" She asked.

"He left me and my mother when I was four and got put in jail when I was six."

"That must have been hard for you."

"I was too young to understand. I was four when he left, but it's not like he was really there with us before. I didn't even realize he had permanently left until I saw that his side of his closet in my mother's room was empty."

"Did he ever try to contact you after he got arrested?"

"Yeah, after my mother died. He called me from jail and told me he was my father. I might not remember his face, but I will remember his raspy voice forever. I didn't say anything to him. He didn't apologize or anything. He just said he was, and I quote, "bummed that Ma' died." He said he felt bad and that he would help me out. I could live with his sister, but I said no. I didn't need his help. He said he had a lot of money. His grandmother had died and left it for him and, since he was going to be in jail for the rest of his life, he got a lawyer to put in a bank account for me to have when I turned 18. I didn't thank him. I really hated him. I hated him with all my heart."

"And now?"

"I just feel bad for him. I'm ashamed of him. It's fucked up I know, but I never loved him and he never cared about me so I don't give a shit about him. He sent a few letters to the foster care place in Seattle asking if I could go visit him. I didn't know about those letters until Carlisle asked me if I would want to visit my father, Edward Masen, in jail. I told him that I didn't have a father with the last name Masen. My last name was Cullen. It wasn't yet, but Carlisle and Esme had already told me they were going to adopt me. Carlisle never asked me again, but did assure he would take me if I changed my mind."

"Did you ever?"

"No," I said feeling sort of guilty.

"That's okay. I would've done the same." She caressed my cheek with the back of her fingers and I sighed pulling her hand for a kiss.

"I've never told that to anybody. I know I'm just a whiny teenager, but that shit is just painful. You were right. It feels better when telling someone." She smiled and kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes trying to make the feeling of her soft lips against my skin last longer.

"You can tell me anything. And you father missed out. He had Edward, my Edward, as his son and he totally missed it. Carlisle sounds like a great man."

"He is and I've just acted like a complete asshole to him over the years."

"I'm sure he understands."

"It still doesn't make it right."

"Why did you act like an asshole to him?"

"I don't know…I guess I was just trying to push him away before he could push me away. You know what I mean?"

"More than you'll ever know," she whispered and pulled away from me to lie on her back. I didn't understand what she had meant, but I decided not to dwell on it. "The stars are coming out." I laid down next to her and sighed. I had missed the warmth of her body next to mine.

"I miss you," I said and searched for her hand until I found it by my side and wrapped her fingers with mine.

"We've seen each other every day."

"I missed this…you like this by my side." We stared at the sky for a long time and I almost dozed off listening to her heart beat and slow breaths next to me. I wanted so badly to pull her over my chest and wrap my arms around her.

So badly…

"I wanted to hold your hand today at the mall."

"You did?"

"Yeah, but I was too chicken shit. I thought you would hate me for it." She chuckled.

"Why would I hate you for that?"

"I'm an idiot, you know that already. Besides, I've never held a girl's hand in public before."

"What? You, Edward Cullen, the ladies man, never held a girl's hand?"

"I've never had a girlfriend."

"You lie," she giggled and slapped my arm.

"I'm not, I swear. I've gotten laid yes, but…"

"Edward I don't think I'm liking this talk anymore."

"I'm serious. I've gotten laid but I've never had a girlfriend."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Nobody seemed…"

"Good enough?"

"I'm not a douche bag Bella." She giggled again. "Nobody seemed trustworthy. How could I give my soul to someone that I didn't trust?" I said looking at the stars. The sky was darker and the moon was showing its face.

"I guess you're a genius Edward. That makes perfect sense." I turned my body to face her and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her small waist.

"I could give my soul to you if you would let me. If you would let me in, I would give you everything. Anything you want, it's yours. I would fight the fucking devil himself for you." I neared her face and kissed her forehead. "I want to give you everything," I whispered in her ear and kissed her sweet cheek and then her nose. She closed her eyes and let me kiss her face. She sighed and held onto my shirt as if this was a ride. "I feel so much for you that it hurts not being able to be close to you." I kissed the side of her mouth and right when I was going to kiss her lips she placed her hand on my mouth and stopped me.

"Don't," she whispered. Her eyes still closed.

"Why?" I hated how disappointed I sounded but luckily she didn't hear how hurt I was.

"Because, you said you would give me your soul and that means I have to give mine to you."

"Yes, I suppose." I didn't know where she was going with this.

"You said to give your soul to someone, you have to trust them." I nodded. "I guess I don't feel for you what you feel for me, because I don't trust you. I don't." Her words stung. Stung places in my chest I didn't know existed. It hurt like hell. It fucking sucked. I bit down on my lip to keep the stupid sob in my chest from escaping. I wasn't going to fucking cry over a girl.

You have…you cried for Bella, remember?

Fuck you!

I nervously smiled and took my arms away from her and laid on my back, trying to avoid her pity eyes.

"I guess I deserve this," I said lowly to keep her from hearing the pain in my voice. I closed my eyes hoping I wouldn't break and cry anyway. I felt like a fucking pussy.

"Edward, it's not…"

"No, Bella it's alright. I'm sorry I even…never mind. Just forget about it. I've already fucked up again. I'm so sorry," I said and she didn't try to say anything again. I kept my eyes closed and the way her shoulder brushed up against mine burned to the core of my fucking soul.

I wanted this so bad. I wanted her. I knew I had never wanted anything so bad but her words let me know that it wasn't mutual. I would never have her. She just wanted me as a friend and if that is all I can get, then I won't be a whiny bitch. I will take it. Something is better than nothing. I already know how it feels to have nothing when she is not around. It fucking hurts.

But I can't help but think this hurts a lot more right now.

Everything hurts.

The way her shoulder feels against mine, the warmth coming from her body, every sigh and deep breath she takes; it fucking hurts.

But I've never felt so alive before I met Bella. They say love makes you feel alive, but pain does too. It lets you know you're not dead…yet.

If she could only feel how much I love her. I think I hadn't realized how much I loved her until this rejection. It's too bad she would never feel the same for me. I have nobody else to blame but myself.

I quickly wiped the tear that escaped my eye and turned to look at Bella, hoping she hadn't noticed.

She didn't.

Her eyes were closed. She was beautiful. The light from the moon and stars made her pale, porcelain skin look magical. I wanted to curse at the fucking wind.

I turned my eyes back to the sky and placed a hand on my chest.

"I love you Bella," I mouthed to the stars wondering if I would ever get the chance or balls to tell her.

Love hurts…

Boooo Bella! So do we wanna slap Bella or understand her but slap her anyway?

I swear this story has a happy period and we are almost there bahaha

So you guys don't know how ashamed I am that I've broken my promise and lasted so long to update. I'm hoping to update again and soon! Very soon.

Chapter 5 has also been revised thanks to the awesome lizde. She is so cool. Who would wanna read through all that Bella angst AGAIN, just to fix my spelling? She's brave and lovely.

Until next time (very soon I swear) and leave you're lovely comments. ATTY almost has 1k reviews! How exciten'! Let's get there.

P.S Yes I poked fun at Twilight the movie. But come on! We all do it! Bahaha I love Twilight. My life would "suck" without it ***or Rob** cough : )