Thank you to edwardrocksmysocks for everything and for fixing my ugly and making it pretty.

Ch30/Edward/Boys Cry Too

Graduation day.

It's a big deal, I guess.

It means you're done excusing everything you fuck up on your youth and immaturity. It's time to grow up.

It means I did it and fucking graduated from 12 years of torture masked as education.

I wish she could see me now. I wish she would be present when I took that diploma in my hand.

But she can't.

Wherever she is, I hope she wishes me luck.

I've needed it in the past few months. It hasn't been easy. I thought having Bella move into my house and with my family would be fucking awesome, and it has, but she hasn't been the same since that damn night.

The first few days after the incident—where she left her father with a broken arm that he wouldn't be able to ever use again and a busted face—Bella didn't speak a damn word to anybody. She stayed in that daze I had come to hate so much. Unlike the past, she didn't come back so quickly.

At the police station, they wanted to get information out of her, but she wouldn't talk or look at anybody in the face. They had to use my statement and what I saw to take that fuckface into jail after the hospital released him.

Esme insisted that we take Bella to our house and I didn't put up a fight, obviously. Renee, however, wanted to play the responsible mother for once and take Bella to Port Angeles with her. She had really pissed me off. She wanted to take her away from me when all I wanted to do was protect and comfort her. Esme had a little talk with her and Bella ended up in our house.

Esme helped Bella with her new bruises; something I never knew could be so hard. Bella freaked out and ran into my arms. She wouldn't let Esme near her, but I finally managed to convince her to trust Esme. She was so loving and motherly with Bella. Something I'd bet Bella wasn't used to.

Carlisle insisted that Bella visit a shrink. He said she had probably suffered trauma and needed help getting over what she had done to her father or what he had tried to do to her. But Bella wouldn't budge and there was no way I was forcing her.

Those first days, Emmett and Alice kept giving me this pitying look that I wanted to scream away, until I realized they were giving it to Bella. None of us knew what to do. I mean I didn't see the deal. She had fought back and won against her long time enemy, but she acted like she had lost.

I was angry with her.

I wanted her to be happy and to act happy, but she acted defeated and it broke my heart.

Esme then had to go and tell me what I hadn't been realizing and it hit me hard. She compared Bella to me.

"She's acting like this because a daughter isn't supposed to live through that with her father. Just like you acted when your mother passed away. You weren't supposed to see that Edward. You don't know how sorry I am that you had to go through that, but I tried to be there for you even though at the time I was a stranger. Thankfully, you're not a stranger to Bella. She loves you and you love her and the best part is that she knows this. Even now, when her mind and soul aren't at a 100%, she has you and knows it."

That night Esme was proven right.

Bella snuck into my room and curled by my side. She was being quiet and I wondered how many times she had snuck into my room while I was sleeping. I surprised her, by wrapping my arms around her. She sighed into my chest and finally spoke after a whole damn week.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too. You have me. All of me." I held her tight, so fucking tight.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"Just give me time. I'll be back," she said and few moments later fell asleep.

She wasn't lying. Little by little, the Bella I knew kept showing hints of returning. I just hoped she would stay for good this time.

Tomorrow would be graduation day and also the anniversary of my mother's death. I was going to try to act normal. I never managed that in the past few years, but this time I had Bella. I had to be normal and I had to be there for her.

I had overheard Emmett, Alice and Jasper planning a get together after the ceremony. Emmett was worried I wouldn't be attending, but Alice had faith in me since Bella would now be my side.

"I decided to visit Dr. Gomez," Bella said. It was almost midnight and neither of us had managed to fall asleep.

"Why? When?"

Dr. Gomez was this shrink from Port Angeles that Carlisle had found. She was some great miracle worker for teens and abused women. Bella didn't want to go. She refused to be that abused girl, but the truth was that she was.

"Today, when Esme took me dress shopping with Alice, I told her I wanted to go. So she took me," Bella said and I stayed quiet. I didn't know why she was doing this. Was she doing this because everyone thought she should? Or was she doing this for herself. "Is that okay?" she asked.

I cleared my throat. "Yes. Whatever you decide love. But why now?" She didn't say anything at first. I thought maybe she had changed her mind and fallen asleep, but when I heard her soft sobbing, I quickly sat up.

"I don't wanna be crazy anymore, Edward," she cried. She grabbed onto my t-shirt as if she would fall if she let go.

"You aren't!"

"I am!"

"You're just scared. You're just bruised, but all of that eventually goes away. I fucking swear."

"When I was there," she sniffed ignoring my words of encouragement, "there was this young girl. She kept looking at me like I was her friend. She smiled and even sat next to me. I didn't know why she was acting that way. Then it hit me that she was trying to find someone like her, some other broken girl. She went into the doctor's office after me. I finally realized I was like her. I'm that girl you hear about or watch in made for TV movies about sad pathetic girls. My fucking father abused me for so many years and you should feel pity for me! You hear that Edward, I'm that girl!" She cried. Why couldn't she see herself clearly?

"Goddamnit Bella! What do you want? Yes, yes you are that girl, but you're also the strongest person I fucking know," I swore to her. "You're also the most beautiful, caring and amazing girl I've ever met. You're also the girl I love. Is that not good enough for you? Huh? We all have a past and it might take you years to get over it, but you won't be alone. I'll be here, whether you like it or not!"

Bella didn't say anything else that night. She stopped crying. I assumed she didn't want me to notice she was still broken up about it, as ever so often her small body would shake and the sobbing noise she let out would torture me. I knew I couldn't do anything, besides be by her side. If I could go back and take five year old Bella away from that house she used to call home and save her, I would. It wouldn't make any sense since I didn't know her then and I myself was still a child, but if I could…

I would go back and save her innocence. I would save her childhood, even if I didn't have one myself.

0000

I don't think Bella knew what today was. Besides graduation, Bella acted normal on this day as can be. Nobody said anything to me. They were all used to me giving them the middle finger if they tried to say "sorry" or "we're here for you." I didn't need that. Somehow, I found myself wanting to tell Bella what this day really meant for me, but I didn't want to darken her day more than it already was.

I could take this day on by myself.

As usual.

"Beautiful," was the first word that left my mouth as Bella came down the stairs of my house. She blushed that pretty pink I knew so well and took my offered hand. Knowing her, she would probably trip on the yellow graduation gown they forced us to wear.

"You look pretty yourself," she teased. She was trying. I knew she was and for that I was thankful.

Esme took pictures of all of us at the house first and Carlisle had to take the damn camera away so we could make the ceremony on time. Bella's mom was there as well as Jacob. He was sitting right next to her and I even smiled and shook his hand.

I still hated the guy.

Why? Because I can. And he gets on my fucking nerves. Get over it.

Due to our last name, we were all through by the time Bella got her diploma. When her name was called out, Emmett and Jacob embarrassed her and the entire school but yelling and cheering like fucking morons. I laughed with everybody else. Bella suddenly became the coolest chick in school. It had to be on the last fucking day of course.

"Dude we should get wasted," Emmett said to Jacob. It surprised me how quickly they had become friends. It figured. They were both huge and stupid. Very stupid.

"Totally. My buddy Paul can hook us up," Jacob added. I gagged at their vocabulary. Not that mine was any better, but I would like to think the word "fuck" is more sophisticated than the words "hook up." That didn't even mean anything.

I zoned out when Jacob and Em started talking about beer bongs and shit I didn't care for anymore and caught Bella under a tree…talking.

Talking to her.

Rosalie Hale, that's fucking who. I was about to go save my girl when Rosalie's teary eyes made me stop. She suddenly crumbled and I could tell Bella didn't know what to do. She either comforted her or told her to fuck off. My guess was she had told Rosalie to go kiss someone else's ass, as she walked off leaving Bella by herself.

The graduation had managed to distract me just a little, but as the afternoon winded down family time, talks about parties and fun time made me melancholy. I knew I had a broody face all day long. My face muscles hurt where I forced them so much, but I couldn't hide anymore.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked as we walked to our meadow. This had been her chosen place. I had offered her to go anywhere she wanted on graduation night, and this is where she wanted to go.

My girl was awesome.

"Nothing, babe. I'm just tired. This graduation bullshit is tiring," I sighed, wrapping an arm around her small shoulders.

"But you've been like this all day. Is it because of me? I'm sorry I've been such a drag lately…" I didn't let her finish and pressed my lips to hers.

"It's not you," I breathed against her lips. Her lips were always such a pleasant surprise. They made everything so much better. "This day isn't good for me, but I'll make it. I'll make it because I have you." She smiled and this time she kissed me.

The night wasn't eventful. I had a few drinks with Emmett and Jasper at my house. They were already shit faced and ready to cry out their feelings as this was their after party. Alice, Bella and Angela did whatever girls do when they get into a group. And me…

I just sat on a couch trying not to break.

"Well, we've had an amazing time!" Emmett announced a little too loudly, making the girls giggle.

I helped Alice and Bella clean up and afterwards Bella ended up in my arms on my bed.

"What did Rosalie say to you?" I asked and Bella gently shook her head.

"Nothing," she lied.

"She was crying her eyes out. Don't tell me nothing."

"She just told me some stuff."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

"Geez, Edward!" She sighed. "It wasn't anything against me. That's all I can say." I didn't want to press her, so I just shut the hell up.

We didn't say anything else for a while. Worried that I had fucked things up, I began to kiss her neck and shoulders. I knew I was succeeding with her soft moans.

"Quit, you cheater!" She sighed, but I ignored her offensive comment and attacked her throat with my mouth and tongue. "Ed-Edward…your…your parents are right downstairs."

"Who cares?" We hadn't made out properly in ages. I needed some.

I managed to move her so that I could be between her legs and she didn't fight me. While our tongues danced and my hands groped, I started to involuntarily grind myself into her. God I was so fucking hard and I knew she could feel it. I hadn't had sex in months.

My hands wandered into her pajama shirt. I moaned into her mouth when I realized she wasn't wearing a bra.

"You're not wearing a bra?" I gasped and she blushed.

"They're uncomfortable to sleep in," she said breathlessly.

"Don't worry, love. You should do it more often." She giggled, before I kissed her again. My hands made into her pajama pants while my mouth found its favorite place, right under her jaw. Before I knew it, my right hand made it to her warm pussy. She gasped and quickly removed my hand.

"Sorry," was all I could manage to say while trying to find some air. I was such a moron.

"No!" She said quickly and took a deep breath. "I mean, I'm sorry. I know we haven't done…done…done…it. And that's totally my fault."

"Love, I don't care. Really…it's just I can't control myself sometimes."

"Don't you wanna do it with me?" She asked. I chuckled at the look of hurt on her face.

"Of course… I mean I do. But only when you're ready. It's still a big fucking deal.. I don't want it to be just some night of making out and bullshit. I want it to be real."

"It is real. We can't fake this, Edward."

"You're a genius, babe. But what I meant was I want it to be when you want it."

"Okay," she simply said and I couldn't help but smile at her sweet blush.

I begged my cock to calm the fuck down so Bella could sleep in my arms. I knew she could still feel it, but she didn't say anything.

I drifted off to sleep, inhaling her scent not realizing what was waiting for me in my dreams.

"Eddie," she whispered. I was in my room trying to sleep. I could feel her walking into my room and sitting on my bed. "Eddie, baby. I love you." I could smell the liquor on her. I didn't move and pretended to sleep. "Eddie, promise me when you grow up, you'll be a good man. Promise me Eddie boy."

I didn't promise.

"Sorry Papa wasn't so good. Sorry he hit you. Sorry he had to be taken away. But one day, when you're a man and not a boy, you'll get to be better. You'll be better. I love you, Eddie." That was the last thing I heard her say. Somehow I didn't believe her then. I was only a kid, yet I didn't believe her. It was probably the truth, but her fucked up brain made it sound so fake.

The next image was blood. Blood and fucking water. My own screams. My feet were bloody and my mouth was dry.

"Edward wake up," I heard Bella say. I snapped my eyes open to find the morning's light coming through the window and a worried Bella holding my face. She wiped the tears I didn't notice I cried and kissed my cheek. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I…she…my…" I hiccupped. She helped me sit up and shamefully, I buried my face into my hands.

"Edward, tell me who Liz is." I took a deep breath and looked finally looked at her in the eyes.

"My mother. My real mother."

"Why were you saying her name? Was she in your dreams?" I just nodded and rubbed my face. "Just tell me baby. Tell me," she begged and I had to let it out. I had held it in for so many years.

"Yesterday was the anniversary of her death." Bella gasped and wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I didn't know."

"It's okay, love. How were you supposed to know? Besides, it's not like I want to remember."

"Well, of course not. It's when your mother passed away." I nodded and leaned my head against the bed's headboard.

"It's not the fact that she died that gets me. It's the fact that I have the audacity to feel like she left me and I hate her for it."

She didn't understand so I continued it.

"When I was eight, my mom took me to live in these shitty apartments in the outskirts of Seattle, because she didn't have any money and my dad had left us. I remember always being hungry and dirty. I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now. She was a bad mother." I sighed and took her hands in mine. "You and I have a lot in common you know. It's why I wanted to save you. Not only did I love you, but I saw myself again in you. My dad was a crack addict. He used to beat the shit out of me and my mother when he couldn't find anything to get high off. I was so goddamn happy when he left us, but that didn't mean my mom would change. She was addicted to crack, heroin, weed, you name it. She just wasn't happy.

I didn't make her happy.

I don't even know if she loved me. I think she was too high to notice or care. We went through some time where she couldn't find any of her 'medicine' and she cried at night saying it hurt without it."

I cleared the knot in my throat and wiped away the tears in my eyes. Bella sniffed and squeezed my hands.

"I remember asking her friend Romeo if he could just give her the medicine and I would find a way to pay him later, but he laughed and told me to fuck off. The day before she passed away, she told me she couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't believe her. The next night, she went into my room and told me she loved me and that was that. Later that night, I woke up and walked into the bathroom…" I froze and let the sob in my chest escape. I hadn't told anybody my story in years. It felt amazing finally telling someone, but it still fucking hurt.

"I noticed water coming down the hall from the bathroom. I was so dumb. It took me a long time to notice the water was bloody. I walked into the bathroom and found my mother in the bathtub full of bloody red water. Her wrists were slit open and her face pale as a fucking ghost. I ran out of there with no shoes on. I just wanted to find someone to save her. I ran for God knows how long, until I found a man in the street. My feet were torn and bloody and my cheeks were cut from the cold of the night. They didn't let me see her. I kept asking if they had saved her. If she was okay?

It wasn't until Carlisle, who was the doctor in the ER that night, came to me and told me she hadn't made it. I fucking hated him. I hated him for what he had told me. I could tell he felt bad for me. I could also see it in Esme's eyes.

She was the nurse. I hated them both for making me feel sad. I wanted to blame them and I didn't want them to comfort me. It wasn't going to bring my fucked up mother back. I loved her Bella. She was my mom, fucked up or not, but the saddest part is that she didn't love me enough to stick around. She fucking killed herself and didn't stop to think about me. Didn't she know that I needed her?" Bella held me while I cried like a fucking pussy.

I had tried to control it.

I had tried to hide it.

I had tried to get over it, but every year was just another reminder that I existed and she didn't.

"Why didn't she want to stick around for me, Bella? I could have made her happy."

"Because she was sick, baby. It wasn't you. She was too sick and there was nothing you could have done." She kissed my forehead as she rocked me in her arms. I held onto her for dear life, fearing she would let go.

"It took ten years for you to show up and save me, love. Don't ever leave. I need you. I need you so much."

"And I need you too Edward and I love you so much. You saved me too. Sorry I failed to realize it sooner."

We stayed in each other's arms all morning. When we finally made it down stairs, Esme was preparing lunch and looked at us both in worry. She had probably heard, but knowing how I could react, she didn't say anything and continued cooking.

I gave Bella a sad smile and walked over to my mother.

My only mother.

The only one that deserved that title…

"Mom?"

"Yes," she said turning to face me. She looked at me confused probably not expecting something nice.

"I love you," was all I said and wrapped my arms around her.

"I love you too, Edward," she cried into my shoulder.

"I've let her go. She's no longer a ghost in my heart. Now it's free to love you like you've deserved all these years. I'm sorry for what I've done and said. I was just so stupid and angry at the wrong people. Thank you for taking me home that night. Thank you for always taking me home."

"Edward, my son." I looked at Bella. She gave me a watery smile and blew me a kiss.

I knew we would be okay.

We would make it.

I know I haven't updated like I used to and I don't want to say it's because I don't feel as passionate with ATTY as I once did, because that's a complete lie. This story is close to my heart like I know it is to some of you who have even said hurtful things to me because I haven't updated. It's cool beans, but just know I never did it intentionally. It was just so hard for me to bring this story to an end, because my life, which this story is very loosely based on, hasn't had closure. So giving Bella that closure was hard for my head and heart to process. She deserves it and I swear I will give it to her, because you guys know how much we've cried with her.

It just takes time. And yes, I posted a new story, which I hope you guys check out. Some of you may ask "why new story StewLuv if you haven't finished ATTY?" Well because I actually wrote that story first and finally decided to post it for fun, because my brain wouldn't produce chapters for ATTY and my feelings were hurt (I'm a baby I know) and I wanted to see what you guys thought of my grown up story in the meantime lol. Some of you decided to boycott it since I hadn't updated ATTY, which is also cool. Whatevs. But please check it out if u are interested, if not, thats cool too.

You can leave me some love now...if you want. I love all of you. Even you...and you...and even you...

One more chapter coming. Hopefully I'll finish with it this weekend. Lets cross fingers!

P.S Thanks to everyone who left me some major support last chapter. You guys rock and are true motivation. My heart was broken, but in true Eddie fashion, you guys fixed it.

Another P.S Thank you so much Vero for translating ATTY into Spanish and making it available in the Latin American world. Its so cool that someone in Chile, Mexico and other places actually read MY story. I'm honored. Its funny how they all wanna learn English just to know what happens next!