Chapter 3: Birds and Bees
Disclaimer: all characters are the property of S. Meyer.
Charlie was waiting in the living room for an unsuspecting Bella.
For some reason, a feeling of dread flooded through her, chilling her to the bone. Charlie was looking at her in a very peculiar manner.
"So, how was your day at the Cullen's pool?"
"It was good. Their pool is beautiful. Did you know it was heated?"
"I guess that was necessary, considering the bathing suit you had on." His voice took on a serious note.
"What?" Where was this conversation going? As if she didn't know . . .
"Do you mind showing your dad here, the bathing suit you're wearing?"
Crap, she was caught red-suited! Oh, no, her face would be a match for the suit too! And here it came—a blush to beat all blushes.
"I'd like to see it, if you don't mind. And you're not leaving this room until I do."
Bella raised her eyes to the ceiling as she pulled on the cover-up, revealing the suit in question. Charlie sat down immediately, his hands over his eyes. "Good lord, Bells, what in the world are you thinking? Go on, get yourself upstairs and change. When you're done, come back down. We've got to have a little chat about this."
"Dad, I'm eighteen years old. I'm not a baby anymore." After the words left her mouth, she realized that she just whined like one.
"As long as you're living under my roof, you'll follow my rules. When you get married, or have your own place, you can wear what you want."
If a sinkhole had mysteriously appeared at this moment and swallowed her whole, she would have counted it as a blessing—a deus ex machina in reverse. She trudged up the stairs slowly, wondering how long she could possibly drag out a change of clothing. When she got to her room, she noticed a lavender bathing suit displayed prominently on her pillow. She did the math and it all began to add up now—her supposedly best friend, Jacob Black! It made sense. He just couldn't let it go, could he?
Everything was RED! Her face, her suit and now, she was even seeing red . . .
That dirty dog—Wait'll I get my hands on him! But first she had to face the firing squad that was loaded and ready downstairs.
She was almost finished changing when she heard Charlie call from downstairs. "Bells, I haven't got all day. Hurry up down here."
She came downstairs, her heart skipping every other beat. Charlie was sitting on the couch and patted the spot beside him. She took a couple of deep breaths and slumped onto the seat, like a pouty child. It was bad enough getting a lecture about the birds and the bees from Renee—but oh, god, from Charlie?
"You know how hard this is for me to talk about, well you know . . ."
Bella looked at him, chagrined. "You can say the word, Dad—sex."
"Yeah—that word. I was hoping this subject didn't have to come up, but—"
"I know! Jacob just had to butt in. He had some nerve coming here tattling on me like some little kid."
Charlie's jaw hardened. "Hold, on. He showed real maturity coming here today. It wasn't easy for him either. He was here to prevent you from doing something stupid."
Her temperature was rising steadily. "Oh, Sure! He just doesn't want me doing something stupid with someone other than him!"
"Now, that's not being fair."
"Of course, Jacob Black can do no wrong. Let's all bow down to Saint Jacob. Maybe we should build a shrine to him. There's a perfect spot next to that big pine out back."
"We're getting off the subject here. I want to ask you something. Do you know what happens to a guy when he sees a woman dressed like you were today?"
"Yeah, I guess it sort of excites him, sexually." She was blushing again.
"That's right. A male gets aroused just by seeing a glimpse of a . . . well, let's just say a body part. His main arousal is from visual images—that and touching. It doesn't take much; he gets excited very quickly. His organs are immediately ready to perform so to speak. To put it bluntly, he has a powerful urge to pump his sperm into the girl of his choice—one he loves or is attracted to. You are apparently Jacob's choice. You know that he's is in love with you, don't you? He even confessed it to me today—not that he needed to.
"But to get back to the subject, what do you suppose happens if he doesn't get to perform that function, after he's been led up to that point."
Bella felt kind of sheepish, as she really hadn't thought about that. "I guess he thinks about something else until the feeling goes away? I don't really know."
"That's right you don't know. All that fluid carrying his sperm gets backed up in the ducts and he is in serious pain for hours afterwards. Are you willing to have these guys in discomfort because of your thoughtless attire?"
Charlie peered deep into her eyes. There was no nonsense apparent in them. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but Jacob begged me to talk to you about dressing more modestly. He admitted that he was physically in misery after you left last Monday."
Continuing the lecture, Charlie, never once dropped his eyes from hers. "Look, I know you've never worn clothes like this before, why did you start now?"
She sighed loudly, and looking down at the floor, Bella responded with, "I couldn't find my old bathing suit, and Alice had given me these two bikinis. I wouldn't have worn either of them if I didn't have to."
"Well, you can give those other suits back to Alice. I don't want you wearing anything like that. Anyway, now you have a new suit."
Bella started to pout again. "I'm not wearing that thing upstairs, that suit belongs to Ann. I saw her in it at Jessica's last pool party."
His hand nonchalantly slipped into his pants pocket, pulling out Jacob's receipt. "Here, I want you to see this." He handed Bella the small oblong piece of paper.
"How do you explain that paper in your hand? And if you had looked more closely, you would have noticed that there are still price tags on that suit."
"Oh." Geesh, that was a clever response. She sat there, biting her lip and playing with the hair at her neck.
"And another thing young lady . . . If I ever find you walking out of this house dressed like that again, I don't care how old you are, You will be grounded."
Her temper was surfacing again. "Yes, sir!"
Charlie pointed a finger at his surly daughter. "Hey, don't give me that attitude, Bells. I have one of my own. Okay, that's all I have to say on the subject. Now, I've got to get to bed. I have to work tomorrow."
Standing up, Charlie went up to his room. Boy, was he glad that was over. It was as embarrassing for him as it was for her. It had to be done though; she needed to be told the facts. He hoped he drove home his message, because he'd rather walk barefoot over razor blades than to go through that again. It was tough being a dad.
Bella did not go to bed. She was livid. She wouldn't be able to sleep now, no matter how hard she tried.
She went up to her room, grabbed the hunk of lavender spandex from her pillow, and threw that blasted piece of crap in a drawer. Then she changed her clothes once more. A turtle neck seemed appropriate. Maybe she should wear leggings and a muffler. After all, she wouldn't want to excite any of Jacob's hormones, now, would she?
The more she thought about it, the angrier she got. She'd tell him a thing or two, maybe even three. Bella finished dressing and tiptoed down the stairs; she could hear Charlie snoring already. Grabbing her truck keys from the hook in the utility room, she slipped out the front door.
She was so mad, that her hands were shaking, and she had to try three times to get the key into the ignition. She cringed as the engine roared to life, hoping it didn't alert Charlie. Muttering all the way to La Push, Bella had her pedal to the metal, urging the ancient beast to go forward as fast as it was able. There was no way that Jacob Black was going to dodge the bullet on this one!