Chapter 14: Pixilated

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight.

Bella remained standing as Alice slowly sunk onto the couch, misery radiating from her face. "I know why you're here, Alice. You're the ambassador of goodwill."

Alice sadly looked imploringly at Bella. Her shoulders were slumped uncharacteristically, her tiny frame being enveloped by the cushions of the couch. "I'm so sorry to bother you, but Edward said you wouldn't answer his calls and that you've banned him from your home. He's miserable, Bella and he's making all of us miserable too. He begged me to come here. What can he do to make you see reason?"

Bella plunked herself down next to her friend Taking Alice's icy hand in hers, she explained her reasons for the breakup. She realized in exasperation that she was biting her bottom lip before the words began spilling out. "I'm sorry too, Alice. Edward has just been so possessive and domineering lately. I can't live like that. At one time, it felt flattering to have him protecting me, but now it's progressed to the point that I can barely breathe any longer."

She smoothed her hand over Alice's small fingers. "Did you know that Jacob caught him leaving my room last night? Edward was there, staring at me while I was asleep. He had no right to do that. I told him not to come here anymore and he deliberately ignored my request. But that was just the latest—the last straw. He watches my every move; he demands to know where I'm going and who I'm going with. I can't have him dictating who I can and cannot see. That's not a healthy relationship. I realize that now."

The air in the room was filled with tension. Alice hated that her best friend would be a thing of the past. She missed her already. Even though she was harboring an unbeating heart, it was starting to crack apart at the seams. Time was of the essence so she plunged ahead to express what she felt. "It's Jacob, isn't it? I have eyes, I can see. Your future vanished, so it was simple to surmise what happened. He's wormed his way into your heart, and turned you against Edward." She knew that these words were a bit harsh, but it was true nonetheless. Jacob was one of the Cullen's natural enemies so it stood to reason that he would point out all the disadvantages of becoming one of them.

Bella, turned to the little pixie, placing Alice's hand in her lap. She shook her head. "It would only have been a matter of time before I realized how uncomfortably tight Edward's reins were pulling on me. Jacob was only the catalyst that made that realization crystallize sooner.

"Think about it Alice, If Edward and I had rushed into marriage—and I know that's where this was inevitably leading—I would have been miserable. Even Edward would have been miserable, knowing that he was the cause of my unhappiness. That's all he's ever wanted for me—to be happy. And right now, I am happy—but with Jacob. As much as he wishes to fool himself into thinking otherwise, I can't go back to being that naïve little girl again.

Alice sniffled despite the fact that she was not producing any tears. "So you're saying that you've outgrown him?"

"In a way, I guess I have. Edward has had 109 years to shape his personality. He's set in his ways. He can't change the way he is, but I can—and I have—and that's the difference. I've become a woman, with a mind and needs of my own. I've evolved whereas Edward has remained the same."

She took a breath to muster up the courage to offer the next line. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"You know you can ask me anything. That's what friends are for."

"Rosalie has made it clear to me that she hates what she's become, and would do anything to change that. What about you? Are you happy with your lifestyle?"

Visibly startled, Alice pursed her lips in an attempt to speak. She never imagined that Bella would ever ask her that question. If she told Bella the truth, she would seal her brother's fate. And yet, she owed it to her in the guise of friendship.

"I guess what you're really asking is, would I have been happier living out my life as a human. I honestly don't know. My life at that time was pretty horrifying. But if I didn't have my adoptive family surrounding me, and if Jasper hadn't entered my life, I would be lost and alone. Even being with the Cullens, I couldn't feel complete without that long, lean Texan at my side." Her lips curled up at the corners at the thought of him, for a moment. "So if those two components were taken away, I would be buying a one way plane ticket to Italy to end it all.

"To put this is in your perspective though, I have to say, I had no family or friends to speak of. Unlike you, I had no one to mourn at their passing; no regrets at leaving people behind. It's different now— you're my friend, Bella. I will dearly miss you. I don't ever want to know when you depart from this earth. It would be too painful. So, I guess you could say that I'm as happy as circumstances allow. Does that answer your question?"

Bella nodded her head, and whispered, "Yes, thank you, Alice."

Alice stood to leave, and Bella released her hand. "You probably already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Edward's been beside himself. He's heartbroken. In 109 years, he'd never known the meaning of love, and now that it's being snatched away from him, it will be a painful reminder of what might have been."

Gazing into those golden eyes, so forlorn, Bella expressed her sorrow at causing Edward such emotional pain. "I know, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I ever fueled that hope, only to snuff it out again. Maybe someday he might be able to forgive me. Will you tell him that?"

Rising from the couch, Bella walked with Alice to the door, opening it.

Alice gave her a hug, and pressed her marble cheek to Bella's. "I'll tell him, but you'll still visit won't you?"

"I'll try, but I can't make any promises."

She reached out, placing her hand on Alice's shoulder. "Alice . . . You'll always be my friend. I'll think about all of you every day, and especially Edward. I did really love him you know."

"Goodbye, Bella. Be happy."

"Bye, Alice."

The door closed and Bella raced up the stairs to her bedroom, flopping herself onto the mattress. Why does life have to be so hard? She cried into her pillow, wetting the cotton covering with her tears. It seemed like all she ever did was cry over some hurt she inflicted on those she loved the most. First it was Charlie, then Jacob, and now Edward and Alice. She vowed to avoid hurting others as much as was in her power. She would make Jacob happy; maybe in that way she could at least atone for all the suffering he endured at her hand. He was the one person that she hurt the most, the one person she needed to make amends to.

I opened my eyes and yawned and stretched. Man, I think that was the best sleep I had in years. It was around 11:15 or so when I finally hauled my butt outta the bed. Billy didn't say a word as I waltzed into the kitchen, scratching my head and still stretching. He was reading the newspaper and handed me the sports section since he had finished with it. I set it down and grabbed a bowl, a spoon and a cup from the cupboard. Pouring myself some cereal and milk into the bowl, I announced, "Guess what, Dad?"

He didn't even acknowledge that I just spoke. Never even lifted his head from the newsprint, for cryin' out loud. "Did you hear what I said?" I sat down across from him.

Billy turned another page and rattled the printed sheets to straighten them out. "I'm listening."

"Well listen to this then . . . Bella and I are in love." I lifted a spoonful of cereal and shoved it in my mouth, chewing while I waited for his reaction.

He continued reading, and commented, "Mnn, hmnn." He took a sip of his herbal tea.

I leaned forward, chomping on another mouthful. "So whaddya think?"

Putting the paper down, he looked up and drily commented. "I think it's about time you two stopped with all this back and forth nonsense. I'm glad you finally quit hurting each other, and hiding your true feelings. That's what I think.

"Phone's ringing."

"Yeah, I've got ears, Dad." I hated when he stated the obvious. He asked me with those wise old eyes of his to pick it up and answer the damn thing.

I left the table and raised the phone to my ear. It was my sweetie. "Jacob . . ." That's all I had to hear. There was a hint in the tone of her voice that told me something was wrong.

"Honey, what's the matter?"

"Nothing . . . I . . . I just wanted to hear your voice."

Conversations like this one made me nervous. I started to pace as I talked to her. "I can tell it's not nothing, so just spit it out already." A better idea occurred to me then. "Never mind—I'm on my way."

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone.

Billy had wheeled out of the kitchen, and was now in his bedroom, looking for a carving tool he had misplaced. Yelling from the living room, I gave Billy a message. "Hey, Dad, I'm heading over to Bella's."

I heard his voice answer. "Another love emergency, eh? Always some emergency," He muttered under his breath. "Good thing you've got a lot of patience, son."

I went back to the table, and without sitting on the chair, tipped the bowl up to my mouth and glugged the cereal down, not stopping to chew. Setting the bowl and spoon in the sink, I washed them quickly and put them in the rack. I never did get a chance to drink any OJ, so I returned the clean cup to the cabinet. I washed my face and brushed my teeth in a hurry, then rushing to my room, I threw on some jeans and a tee and ran out to the garage. That's when I noticed I didn't have any shoes on. Crap, I ran back inside grabbed a pair and pitched them onto the floor of the Rabbit.

The clouds decided to release their load as I got to Bella's doorstep. I had barely rapped on the door when it swung open and she pulled me inside. Man, she was in some big heated rush to greet me, not that I was complaining or anything, but jeez. Save some for tomorrow, Bells. She was all over me—kissing my eyes, my ears, my neck, my arms . . . all the while bulldozing me onto the couch, which by the way had that eau de vampire stinkin' it up pretty good. I put that out of my head right away though—hey, I couldn't help it; I was waaay distracted. But what in the holy hell brought this on? Then I thought, do I really care?Not on your life!

Damn, her head drew back, and suddenly those big brown eyes were scrutinizing me intently. Ooookaaay . . . So, in my usual uncanny way to break the ice, I quipped, "Hey, I think you missed a spot." I pointed to my chin, pretending to frown.

She inched closer, climbing onto the couch. Leaning forward, she brushed her lips over my chin. Then while stroking my hair she actually began to use her words. "Jacob . . ." She was using that same tone of voice. I wished she would just let it out. I was itching to hear whatever it was that she needed to say. Why was it so hard for her to express her feelings all the time? Didn't she know she could tell me anything?

Her heart was pounding, and she swallowed nervously. "Did you believe me when I said I loved you?"

"Sure, sure." What else could I say? Where the hell was this going? Even Einstein couldn't figure out this equation.

"I meant it. You know I really do love you, don't you."

I smirked—yeah, I know, I was being an arrogant jerk. "I think you pretty much proved that a few minutes ago."

The air in the room seemed to be strangely tingling with energy. She placed her hand over my heart, never taking her eyes from mine. "Yeah, but . . . I need you to feel it deep down in your soul. I don't want you to ever doubt that I love you . . . because I do."

I pulled her to me and kissed her 'til she was gasping for breath. Then in all seriousness, I answered. "I know."

I always thought that the line"I know" was so arrogant coming from Han Solo, but in this case it was what Bella needed to hear.