Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all rights to Twilight.
Title: Orientated, Alice POV Outtake from O/S Orientation
Rating: M for language
Beta: aleighy
A/N: I know this isn't really an update, but I wanted to share the oneshot I did for FF4LS a while back. Since it's my birthday today, I thought it would be a nice present to hear what you all think of it. Also, just a huge thank you going out to all the readers that continue to review not only this story, but TINML, RM, and MM. I feel like I have some of the sweetest reviewers in the world.
Also, just to add, the TINML outtake I did for Texas Wildfires will post in January as an additional epilogue to the TINML story. It is the story of Annie coming home to the Cullens.
Read on to hear Alice's POV from that first day (and why Tanya was glaring at Jasper's door)...
Okay. First day of my new job. I will not get nervous, even if this is one of the most prestigious firms in town. Just because my last job was at an asylum that drove me so crazy I almost became a patient does not mean I can't do this. They hired me. They want me. I can do this.
Well, hello Mr. Stud.
"Hello, Ms. Brandon. Welcome to our team here at Volturi, Volturi, & Volturi. I'm very glad to have you join us here today, and I'm also thankful you were able to look past the ridiculousness of our firm's name. The brothers all wanted equal billing, never minding the fact that even they don't know who is listed first in the business's name."
Oh. So it's more like Mr. Nerdstud. Alright, I'll bite on the bad joke. Poor guy seems so nervous.
"Who is?"
"Who is what?"
"Who is listed first?"
"That is an excellent question, Ms. Brandon. I'm afraid I can't answer it, but always feel free to voice concerns or questions to your second nearest managerial supervisor. Not too many questions, though. Too many will make your supervisor think you incompetent, and he will then most likely find a reason to let you go. Moving on…"
"Wait, why my second nearest manageri-"
"All in good time, Ms. Brandon. Again, an excellent question. Now follow me, if you please."
Oh, sweet baby Christ, I'm starting to think this guy's not kidding. Mr. Nerdstud has now been officially downgraded to just Mr. Nerd. Or I suppose I could just call him Mr. Cullen. That's too bad. Now don't get me wrong, I know not to let anybody dip their pen into my company ink, but sometimes a good daydream can mean the difference between staying sane or stealing meds off the patients.
And while this guy is really nice and almost too professional, he either needs meds, or he's already on some. His muscles don't look tense, but oh my god is he rambling. Wait. Did he just- Sweet baby Christ he did. He just included in his introductions that the hairy CPA looking down his secretary's shirt has a wife and a mistress.
"Probably uses his secretary to keep them straight," I muttered, definitely not meaning for him to hear me.
Oh, but he did. And now he's rambling some more about the turnover rates of skanky, bitchy temps, who apparently I shouldn't even bother to learn their names at the rate they get fired. The latest skanky bitch out to get him glared at me as I walked by with him, so I made a mental note to help the poor guy out if I caught her trying to "attract his attention to her breasts at every conceivable opportunity."At this point I wouldn't be surprised if he was a virgin. Stupid whore has another thing coming if she thinks she can intimidate me. I can take down a two-hundred pound man hanging from the ceiling fan because he thinks he's Tarzan. She'll get more than just coffee on her lap if she's not caref- wait, what?
He did not just tell me that my brand spankin' new bosses like to give the girls around here the spanks. I can take care of myself, but I didn't just leave one job full of roaming hands to move to another one.
"Oh no, no need to worry at all, Ms. Brandon. They like to harass the temps, and quite frankly, the temps like to be harassed. The brothers are also rarely seen outside of their offices, which are located in the basement. They are very strange. As for myself, I would never harass a woman, and neither would any of my fellow colleagues here. Except for James Hunter. And the janitorial staff. And the night guards."
Sweet baby Christ. He's either kidding, I'm on Candid Camera, or I really need to check the level of pepper spray on my keychain. And now he's looking at me like I'm the one that needs help and a quick glance at the ceiling doesn't reveal any cameras.
Pepper spray it is.
"Anyway, you won't need to worry about the janitorial staff or the night guards, unless you stay late in the office. We don't pay overtime, so you shouldn't stay late. Your work day is eight hours, but we only give each person about two hours worth of work to do a day. You should still stretch that work out over eight hours, though. We keep expectations low to avoid laziness, not promote it. If for some reason you are unable to do your two hours' worth of work in the eight hour allotted time period, feel free to file an extension with the Office Manager, Angela Weber. She is quiet as a mouse and a complete pushover. She gives extensions to anyone. Incidentally, she is in love with Ben Cheney, her assistant, but is too shy to let him know. However, he is aware, but equally shy. A most unfortunate impasse. Moving on…"
"Wait!"
Okay.
One: he said that all in one breath.
Two: I will never be bored here with the overabundance of office gossip, and I should look into trying out my legendary matchmaking services on the poor little mouse girl giving puppy-dog eyes to the poor little mouse boy blushing his ears off.
Three: he only covered two out of the three potential victims of my roundhouse kick if they get fresh.
"What about this James Hunter?"
"Ah. I neglected to explain. My apologies, Ms. Brandon. You are a very astute individual. So full of questions, though. Anyway, James Hunter is your first managerial supervisor, hence why I told you to take all questions and concerns to your second managerial supervisor. If you don't look him in the eye, he won't believe he has a 'connection' with you, and will therefore treat you as though you don't exist. That's his office just over there. He is absolutely obsessed with hunting. His office is covered in pictures of his various hunting trophies and decorated with bullets. I have heard that he even has bullets for pens, but I can't really be sure. I don't look him in the eye, either."
Sweet baby Christ, I think that was supposed to make me feel better. And now he's telling me that they "actively encourage" office relationships. At first, I think he can't be serious, but then I realize of course they do, the execs are all pervs. And now we're moving back into over-share territory…
"…For example, our other CPA, Mike Newton, is currently in a relationship with our Human Resources manager, Jessica Stanley. She is cheating on him with Tyler Crowley, our Office Supplies Manager. For more information on these and other relationships, you can sit in the office lounge during your breaks and listen to the temps gossip by the coffee machine. Even at the alarming rate in which they turn over, they always know who is sleeping with whom."
Sweet baby Christ, it's like a public service announcement. Attention all: old Mrs. X down in the cafeteria now has the Clap. Back to your regularly scheduled office fuckery.
"I see."
"Excellent. Incidentally, here we are at your second managerial supervisor's office. Knock, knock, Mr. Whitlock."
"Edward, I've told you, you can call me Jasper," came the reply from inside. I take one quick peek in, and then I'm hiding behind Mr. Cullen's thankfully tall form as fast as a blink.
"Mr. Cullen!" I whisper-hiss at him, before he can introduce me. I need a moment.
I have found the man that will star in my office daydreams. He's sitting at his computer, but he's obviously tall. I love tall. Long, wavy blond hair, but clean-shaven and wearing this season Hugo Boss. And they encourage office relationships here.
I'm in heaven.
But wait. "They" are actually perverted creeps that skulk around a basement between harassments and employ tramps and psychopaths. The closest thing to normal I've met so far is Mr. "Poster Boy for Why Social Skill-learning Should Be Mandatory in Public Schools" Cullen.
I'm in hell.
"Yes?"
God, just give me this one and I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Well, once a month. Oh hell, I'll go on Christmas. But seriously, please. Um…amen.
"Please tell me he's not a pervert, or in a relationship and cheating on anybody, or in a relationship at all!" I beg. As an afterthought once I remember that finely-tailored suit, I add, "Or gay!"
His kind smile turns into a stern frown as he starts to go off on an anti-discrimination tirade, totally missing the point. Please. Does he think my hair looks this good because I let a straight man touch it? Men.
"I'm not asking because I have a problem with gay people, Mr. Cullen. I'm asking from a…potential inner-office relationship perspective."
Somehow, amazingly, understanding dawns on him.
"To the best of my knowledge, the answer to all of your questions is no. He and I rescue each other from the temps' advances often, his last monogamous relationship with Maria, who incidentally has always been a Maria, ended for reasons I am personally unaware of. But the temp probably would. Could I introduce you now?"
Shock comes from three sides.
One: I still can't figure out how he talks so fast.
Two: he is apparently more aware of the craziness that surrounds him that I gave him credit for.
Three: social skill level not yet discovered, but on paper Jasper Whitlock is a complete and total catch. And if I'm able to determine somehow that he doesn't have a secret stuffed animal collection or is a closet cross-dresser, I'm going to be wanting a more private introduction.
What? It's hard to land a man when your answer for "What do you do?" is "Work at the sanitarium." It's been awhile. So I try to beg off meeting him just yet, thinking Mr. Cullen won't see through my veiled innuendo as we continue on our tour of the office.
Oh, but of course he does.
"Acceptable, Ms. Brandon. I should make you aware of the fact that the copier room and the supply closet do not have a lock, but all offices do. However, the offices are not soundproof, but the stairwells are, from what I've been told. Unfortunately, due to fire code, the doors to the stairwells must remain unlocked at all times. Breaks are thirty minutes in the morning and thirty minutes in the afternoon. One hour for lunch. Moving on…"
If any man besides Mr. Cullen gave me a speech like that, I'd slap him with a harassment lawsuit in one hand and backhand him with my other. But I'm fast learning that with Mr. Cullen? Just get clarification.
"Wait. Did you just basically give me a rundown on how to get down during the work day?"
Lesser men might be fazed by the slightly hysterical tone of my voice. But he isn't. Well, that or he's oblivious. Either way, props for my nerd-guide.
"An interesting way to put it, but all part of the orientation, Ms. Brandon. Normally, I would have allowed you the luxury of reading through the employee's handbook at your own discretion, but given your interest in Mr. Whitlock, I felt it prudent to make mention of such things prior to your plans of getting acquainted."
There is a very real chance my head will explode before the end of this orientation.
"Moving o-"
I can't take it anymore.
"Mr. Cullen, can I ask what your position is here?"
And sweet baby Christ, I should have seen it coming. Of course he's IT. It explains so, so much. Everything, really.
Exhibit A: terrible fashion sense. Elbow patches? Really?
Exhibit B: Pale skin and shadows under the eyes. Sure signs of staring at computers screens and squinting at tiny little parts.
Exhibit C: poor guy heard me mumble again (I really need to lose that habit) and now looks heartbroken. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home for some milk, cookies, people skills lessons, and more information on one Jasper Whitlock.
"Have I done a poor job orientating you today, Ms. Brandon?"
Well, if that doesn't make me feel like a terrible human being, nothing can. I try to reassure him, over and over, but his confidence is shot, I can tell.
"This is my office. We have techs working on another level in the building, but I am the first go-to if you're having troubles. And directly across the hall from me is our advertising office. I'll, um…I'll let you introduce yourself to Ms. Swan. It was a pleasure meeting you, Ms. Brandon. Mr. Whitlock will be more than happy to show you to your cubicle once you're ready."
Oh oh oh. My matchmaking senses are tingling at the mention of Ms. Swan. No over-share of personal information? A sideways longing glance toward her office door?
"Wait!" I head him off before he can bolt. "Why won't you introduce me to Ms. Swan? You introduced me to everyone else?"
Except for the psychopath, which I greatly appreciate.
"That is probably not a good idea, Ms. Brandon."
Matchmaking senses are now ringing the alarm.
"And why is that, Mr. Cullen? You've made mention of pretty much everyone's love life in this office except for your own. Is there something going on between you and Ms. Swan?"
His little mumble of, "I wish," doesn't go unheard. Finally, a chance at redemption for making him feel bad earlier.
"So is this like that Ms. Weber and Mr. Cheney are too shy to say anything-thing? An impasse?"
"No, this is like a Ms. Swan doesn't know that Mr. Cullen exists-thing," he says plainly, but I know for a fact he's wrong.
Fashion sense aside, he's a handsome guy that is directly across the hall from her office. Judging by the fact he's blushing from just talking about her, he's at the very least a gentleman. These sorts of things don't go unnoticed by we, the fairer and smarter sex.
"Mr. Cull-"
"Oh, for God's sake, call me Edward. If you're going to start digging around in my nonexistent love life, you might as well."
Finally, he drops the formal nonsense. And that was as good as permission to continue if I ever heard it. I smile big at him as I introduce myself to him again.
"And I'm Alice. Now, Edward, this office isn't that big. You're literally right across the hall from her. Don't you see her during breaks? Lunch?"
I need to know timetables, commute routes, allergies; the list is endless. I should have known he won't disappoint. Something triggers him and the floodgates open.
"She comes in half an hour late and leaves half an hour early every day, so she skips her breaks. I don't know why. The temps probably do, but I don't want to listen to them talk about her life. It's not my business. She's perfectly polite to every single person here, even Gianna who used to be a Gene. She tells everyone to call her Bella, except for me, because as previously mentioned, she doesn't know I exist. She's never dated anyone in the office, and they've all tried. Several times. She's probably married. Her husband probably has great social skills. And manageable hair. I hate him. He doesn't deserve her. He probably can't even turn a computer on. He's an imbecile."
How does he do it in only one breath? And he's just getting warmed up.
"I watch her eat lunch every day. She's allergic to peanuts, but loves the smell of peanut butter candles, and I think that that is adorable for reasons even I cannot understand. She calls her mother on Mondays and Thursdays. She calls her father on Tuesdays and Fridays. Wednesdays, she likes to read. She enjoys all the classics, but she hides cheap romance novels inside of them sometimes, usually around the holidays. Her favorite color is blue, and she looks beautiful in every shade of it. And her uncooperative computer is the best-running piece of machinery in this place, because it has only glitched once, and of course I was out of the office that day, because I'm pretty sure God hates me. Every day when I get here before she does, I have to fight the temptation to break into her office and give her computer a virus just so I will have a legitimate reason to speak her name and hear her voice directed toward me. But then I remember that I am a horrible liar and will most likely blurt out that I broke her computer intentionally, at which point she would, and rightfully so, become very upset with me. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I would rather die than upset her. Incidentally, at this point I would really appreciate it if you would shut me up so that we might move on. Anytime. Please. Serious-"
Oh. My. God. Ms. Swan, or Bella, as Edward calls her, opened the door to her office at the tail end of that tirade. She's now standing right behind him in the doorway, catching my eye over his shoulder and putting a finger to her lips for me to stay quiet.
I like her already. But back to poor Edward.
"Okay, okay!" I laugh, but then sigh. This was going to be so much fun. "Oh, Edward."
He looks a little frightened, whether it's due to the soul-spilling monologue he just performed or of me, I don't know, but I always say "In for a penny, in for a pound." Time to set the trap.
"So I'm assuming you've never tried to talk to her. First step is doing that. Pretend I'm her, and introduce yourself."
He groans loudly and glares at me, before his eyes glaze and he seems to lose himself for a moment. I resist the urge to kick his ankle and settle for a subtle cough. He groans anyway.
"What can I possibly say? 'Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. I watch and think and fantasize about you more than is probably psychologically healthy and am pretty sure I'm in love with you, even though you didn't know I existed until approximately fifteen seconds ago, and yes, I am aware we've never actually spoken. I would greatly appreciate you letting me take you out on a date so you can come home with me and never leave. Please don't be alarmed by the fact I have an entire room in my apartment full of Star Wars collectible action figures. They're for my nephew, mostly. By the way, in case you are wondering, no, I've never had a restraining order against me. I would really not like to start now. Also, in case I wasn't completely clear before, I think you are beautiful and want to have about a million little Bella-babies with you."
Pay dirt. In a thirty-second anxiety-ridden spiel, he's just saved me months of matchmaking time and effort. For a split second I'm disappointed, but then I remember the man down the hall I've yet to introduce myself to, and all thoughts of disappointment flee my mind.
Aw, man. If looks could kill, I'd be deader than a zombie right now. From behind him, Bella finally lets herself be known.
"Well, that's quite a start. I'm not sure about a million though."
Oh, the look on his face. My kingdom for a camera. To capture this shot and embarrass him with it at their wedding would be priceless. I make a mental note to start planning that as soon as possible. He makes a dying-cat sort of sound as reality hits.
"Oh, no."
"Oh, yes," I assure him, because there is no escape. I'm in front of him, and she's right behind him.
"How long has she been there?"
I almost point out to him how rude it is to ignore someone, but instead decide the better revenge is the truth.
"Oh, not long. Just since around you said you'd rather die than upset her."
"But in the interest of full-disclosure, I was listening through my office door since around 'she comes in half an hour late…"
She's beyond awesome. Possibly my new hero. And I think she'll be just what he needs to bring him out of his shell, because if she didn't feel the same way for him, she would have been shrieking by now.
Okay. So I've atoned for accidentally being rude to him earlier and hurting his feelings. I've initiated contact between target A and target B. Now it's time to get mine.
"Ms. Swan, I'm Alice Brandon. Mr. Cullen just gave me my orientation. This office may very well be the strangest place I will ever work, and that's saying something. I used to run the books for a mental hospital. Woman to woman, is Jasper Whitlock on the level?"
"On the level and very available. Call me Bella, Ms. Brandon."
I'm going to buy her something very, very pretty soon.
"Only if you call me Alice."
I chance a glance at Edward, and he's as still as a statue, looking like he wishes he were invisible.
"Bella, I think we may have broken the Edward."
No movement, but he did make the dying-cat noise again, so at least he's still breathing. But she charges ahead with balls of steel.
"I'll be fixing that momentarily. If you don't mind, on your way to…introduce yourself to Jasper, will you tell Tanya to cancel my eleven o'clock? And incidentally, have her check Edward's appointments as well. If he has any, tell her to cancel them. Did Edward explain to you the effectiveness of spilling coffee on the temps to make them behave?"
She's a sweetheart. I'm definitely leaving Edward in good hands.
"Oh, yes. Like I said, mental hospital. Trashy temps don't scare me."
"Great. We'll have to get together for a Happy Hour soon, Alice."
I still can't see her, but I can hear the smile in her voice, and maybe just a tiny bit of nervousness.
"Oh, I think we're going to be great friends."
I give Edward one last wink and then hop off to talk to Trampy Tanya. She hears me approach and looks up with a seductive smile until she registers I'm not only female, but the same supposed threatening female encroaching on her territory. I could have some fun here.
Time to confer with my conscience.
The temps are obviously the source of all things gossip at work. Anything I say or do will be all over the office by my first break, so if I antagonize her and insinuate there's anything going on between Edward and me, it could bite me in the ass. But he seems very private, and anything to draw her attention away from the fact that both he and Bella are canceling their appointments for the rest of the day might be the best thing I could do for them.
Eh. She'll probably be gone in a week anyway.
In the sweetest voice I can muster, I lean forward as if to share a juicy secret.
"Hey. It's, um, Tamara, right? Anyway, I need you to do me a solid, woman-to-woman. I'm new here, but Edward gave me such a thorough orientation, if you know what I mean," (already picking up lingo from my new nerd friend) "and we kind of want to continue in a more…private environment. So he asked me to have you cancel any appointments he might have for the rest of the day. Rest of the week, if I have my way."
I wink at her then, struggling to keep from laughing outright at the outraged look on her beet-red face.
"Anyway, while we were…ahem…finishing up the details, that woman across from his office, um…Swan, I think? She had something come up and she needs to cancel off the rest of the day, too. I'm just going to hop over and let my second closest managerial supervisor know what's going on before I leave. I feel a cold coming on. Thanks for your help, Tina!"
I run straight for Mr. Whitlock's office, sparing one quick glance toward Bella's, just in time to see the blinds click shut. Hot damn, girl. Make that nerd a man.
I slam the door shut behind me before Tanya can make a single catty remark, mentally patting myself on the back for how well that went. I implied a lot, but never actually said anything specific. So whenever it came time for damage control, it should be easy to set the record straight.
"Can I help you?"
I turn towards the voice, and even though I knew he was in here, I'm still struck by how unbelievably hot he is. Blue eyes. I love blue eyes.
And sweet baby Christ, he's checking me out right back.
"Um…I'm the new hire, Alice Brandon."
"I know," he nodded with a small smile. "I was hoping you'd come in earlier, but you kept me waiting."
He's flirting with me. Ovary one and ovary two are already fighting over which one gets to drop the egg.
I give him a little pout, and his eyes glaze a bit. I want to pounce on him.
"I'm sorry. I was just a bit preoccupied hooking Edward up with Bella."
He snaps out of his trance, sitting up straight in his chair.
"I'm sorry, what? Did you just say Edward and Bella finally hooked up?"
I nod smugly. All before I even had my second cup of coffee.
He jumps up suddenly, running over and scooping me up in his arms, swinging me around with a loud whoop. I yelp in shock, but I'm not stupid. I take the opportunity to wrap my arms around his shoulders. After a moment he sets me down, shaking his head at me in wonder.
"You don't understand. I've been trying to bring Edward out of his shell for years, but it's not easy. He's a really good guy, just a little, ah, nervous? And Bella's been begging me for months for hints, but he's always shut down whenever I bring her up in conversation. I kind of took that to be a bad sign. I'm so glad I was wrong, and in thanks for your amazing achievement, I want to buy you dinner."
"That sounds great."
I'm pretty sure that came out as a sigh. He's smirking at me now.
"Is tonight okay?"
I nod. "What time?"
"Right after work? Five-ish?"
I nod again. "Have you ever heard the phrase 'it's always five o'clock somewhere?'"
The smirk becomes a grin. "I have. I think it's actually five in England right now."
"I'm one-sixteenth English," I reply back automatically.
"Works for me," he mutters, leaning in to kiss me. Behind me, I hear blinds click shut.
Best first day ever.
Big thanks for all your reviews. Next real chapter of Orientation coming after I survive finals.