"Then you need to change me, Carlisle. We need to take away their reason."
A silence fills the clearing. Everyone is staring at me as if I have sprouted two heads. Jacob, in particular, looks as though he is waiting for the punch line. As if I am about to say, "Ha ha, just kidding." The silence stretches. Nobody moves.
"I'm serious, Carlisle," I press on, trying to make them understand that I've thought this through. It's as obvious to me now as it was all that time ago in Volterra. "If the Volturi are coming here on the pretext of punishing you for revealing yourselves to a human, then we need to eliminate that pretext. If I'm no longer human, there's nothing to punish."
Jake lets out a hiss. "Bella, don't be ridiculous. We don't care what their pretext is, if we're even guessing right about their motives. You're never going to become one of them." He's half-chuckling as he says it: an uneasy, confused sound. His eyes plead with me to let him off the hook; to tell everyone that I don't mean it. I shift uncomfortably from one foot to the other.
"This is all because of me," I insist, my voice sounding stronger than I expect. I need them to understand that I'm not taking blame on my shoulders. I'm just drawing everyone's attention to the truth left unspoken for too long. "The newborns are on their way here because of me. The Volturi may attack because of me. My humanity is at the center of all of this." I look around the group, daring anyone to contradict me. No one speaks. "This coven lived in piece for decades before I moved to Forks. This pack, for even longer. Whether you care to admit it or not, it's time to face up to the truth. If we can avert a war this way; if I can save the lives of the people here in this place, whom I love with all my heart, then this is the choice I make."
Carlisle is already shaking his head.
"Alice has seen it Carlisle, you know that. Edward confirmed it. You know that in at least one version of the future I am like you."
It's Alice's turn to protest. "Bella, no. With Edward..."
"This has nothing to do with Edward," I interrupt her. "I am not making this choice for him. I am making this choice for me."
"This is bullshit!" Jake snarls. Sam reaches to grab at his arm but he shakes it off, stalking across the frosty grass to stand in front of me, glowering. "This is absolute bullshit, Bella. You're not giving up on life. You're not giving up on US."
His eyes are dark, and flashing with anger, but it's pain that leaks out as he says 'us', and my heart clenches.
"It's not giving up, Jacob. It's taking control. It's doing the one thing I can to make this right. And it's joining the family I know I belong to."
His frustration starts to build, and a growl rumbles low in his chest, his muscles tensing and the air around him shimmering with energy.
"And what about your actual family, Bella? What about Charlie and Renee?"
"Jacob..." Sam's tone is low, his voice warning.
Jake leans in close, and I don't break his gaze. His eyes searching for something; for something I can't offer him.
"You know how I feel," he urges. "You told me...you wanted me safe! You..." His voice cracks a little, thick with anxiety. Wounded.
A lump rises in my throat. "I...Jake you know that I care about you. Of course I want you safe...I..." I can't think of a way to make him understand, and I hate that this is happening here, surrounded by his pack. That because of his very nature, he has no privacy, no retreat.
"I know that this is my future, Jacob. I'm sorry."
He clenches and unclenches his fists, and I see him struggling to keep his breathing under control. Abruptly, he turns on his heel and sprints for the tree line, tearing off his shirt as his human roar morphs into an agonized howl.
Sam gives me a small, sad look, before he and the other wolves circle to follow. Seth pauses at the edge of the trees, torn between staying and going. Eventually even he breaks into a trot and disappears.
I feel spent, sick with guilt, and my knees are shaking. Esme is suddenly at my side guiding me to a nearby log to sit. Carlisle crouches in front of me, taking both of my hands in his.
"Bella, your intentions are good. Noble, even. But I cannot do what you ask."
A wave of insecurity washes over me. It hadn't really occurred to me that he would say no, but now it seems ridiculous that I'd thought for even a second he would consent. "You don't..." I look up at the concerned faces of the Cullens encircling me. "You don't want me?"
"No, of course that's not it. I'd be honored to have you as a daughter."
Esme sits beside me, stroking my hair briefly. "Bella, we already think of you as one of our own."
Carlisle nods with smile. "But the change, it's ...a savage experience. Painful, violent. It takes days, during which you will be burning up with the transformation. Days that we do not have. Someone will need to be with you the entire time, and you know what a distraction it will pose for those of us who will still have to face the newborns, even if your change succeeds in diverting the Volturi."
Jasper places a hand on my shoulder, and a wave of gratitude and something else flows over me. "We also have to think about the treaty, Bella. The wolves - you have already seen that your decision would ...unsettle them. I'll be honest; we need them on our side. Any one of us bites you, and there is no guarantee what will happen."
"Besides," Rosalie continues, her voice cool but not unkind. "You haven't really had a chance to think this through. What you're asking? It's something no one should choose for themselves. You have your whole life ahead of you. The chance for a family; the chance to grow old with grandchildren playing in your front yard." Emmett steps toward her, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. She looks up at him gratefully. I realize how little I understand Rose, her reactions never as I predict.
Carlisle pats my knee gently. "It is a brave thing that you offer, Bella, but we cannot accept. And until Edward..."
"Stop." I grit out. Disappointment is still welling up inside me, even as I accept their unassailable logic. "This isn't about Edward. I'll agree that now is not the right time. But whether he comes home or not, my future is with you." I look around at each of them. 'With all of you. This iswhat I want, for myself. And when all this is behind us, and we can do it safely..."
Carlisle nods, slowly. "Then we would welcome you with open arms, Bella."
Alice gives me a fierce hug, and I cling to her tiny form, inhaling her sweet, unnatural scent. My heart feels fit to burst.
"And we will not stand in your way." Sam's voice behind me is a surprise, as he and the others emerge from the forest. Jake is not with them. Sam's expression is serious. "I will confess, I do not understand your decision, Bella, but I see that you make it freely. And I have come to know that these..." He gestures at the Cullens, searching for a diplomatic way to describe them and failing. "They are not my enemy. They value human life just as we do. If you choose to join them, we will not consider the treaty broken."
"Thank you," I whisper, my chest expanding painfully with gratitude and emotion.
"We return to keep preparing," Sam says gruffly, and looks expectantly at Jasper. Jasper, meanwhile, continues to stare at me, lost in thought.
"What is it?" Alice asks, finally, as his silence starts to become uncomfortable.
"Well, Bella was right."
"What do you mean?"
"She is kind of at the center of things. We know that the army is scented, and will be looking for her. If we can control the circumstances under which we meet them, we might be able to turn that to our advantage."
I perk up a little. I desperately want to be useful, and if there is a way that I can help, the risk reduces that everyone will now turn on me and suggest I should be packed off to Florida after all.
"If the newborns reach the area and smell Bella's blood, they'll go crazy. It might be enough. They'll be wild, and out of control, we will then have the upper hand. They will follow Bella's trail right to us."
"Certainly not," Esme's voice is steely. "It's far too dangerous. There is no way we are putting any human in the path of an army of newborns, and certainly not Bella."
"Maybe just the scent of her would be enough?" Alice suggests. "We could run a trail with her now, and then we can hide her somewhere safe?"
Jasper shakes his head, frowning in concentration. "No. The newborns might fall for it, but we have to assume that there is someone with them. Whoever made them. We need to confuse them with a false trail. And somehow we need to mask the fact that she's left the clearing."
Emmett snorts. "Dude, that's easy."
Everyone turns to look at him; his dimpled grin making it seem like the solution should be obvious. "The wolves, man. They reek. No one's going to go anywhere near their trail."
Embry and Paul step toward Emmett scowling. He immediately raises his hands up to placate them. "Hey, no offense man. I just mean, no newborn vamp is going to be sniffing along after one of you voluntarily."
"It might work," Jasper muses.
"Let's try it" Sam moves quickly to my side. "I'll carry Bella, and one of you try to track us."
He looks down at me for permission. I'm determined to be helpful anyway that I can, and gratefully slide my arms around his neck as he swoops me up in his arms and trots into the trees.
Sam running is quite unlike a vampire, but still much faster than is really comfortable. I jostle against his hip, self-conscious about how much I must weigh and hyper-aware of being this close to his naked chest. After about ten minutes we loop round in a circle and run back to the house.
The Cullens are all waiting, and Jasper has a sly grin on his face. "It works. It's not perfect. If you really get close to the trail, you can smell Bella mixed up in there, but it's off-putting enough, and more importantly foreign enough, that none of them will."
Sam nods, pleased. "Then we choose a place to fight, one that works to our advantage. Bella can leave a false trail to the site, and then I'll carry her out, to somewhere safe."
"No. I will."
Jacob steps from the trees. His voice is cold and hard. He stares at Sam, willing him to disagree, to overrule him. Sam pauses, looking between the two of us. "Fine. Seth will relieve you once we know the trail has worked and they are on their way."
The young wolf looks like he is about to protest, but both Jake and Sam turn to glare at him, and he almost whimpers as he takes a small step back.
Alice bounds forward before the tension can become too thick. Clutching me by the hand, she pulls me toward the garage. "Come on Bella, we have loadsof camping gear. We have to keep buying it from Newtons to keep up appearances. We'll make sure you'll stay plenty warm."
I'm grateful to leave Jake behind. She isn't kidding, and it isn't long before she has Emmett loaded down like a packhorse with a tent and arctic sleeping bag, sleep roll, and backpack full of provisions. He and Rose take off into the night to set up camp in the mountains, somewhere safe and easily defended if things ...I try not to think about the idea of little Seth having to come between me and whatever is headed our way.
Jasper runs me north with Alice, to where she can best approximate the newborns will come from. We take our time walking back, and I trail my hands through the undergrowth, rubbing my shoulder against the occasional tree. It occurs to me I can do better than that, and I stoop to pick up a sharp stone. I'm just about to scratch my skin to draw a little blood when Alice's cool hand clamps sharply around my wrist. "Bella!"
"I just thought a little blood would help! It will be a much stronger scent."
"Trust me; your scent is plenty strong enough. And just 'a little blood' is quite a lot more than Jasper can handle," she chides. I feel instantly guilty; having forgotten for a moment the strain the Jasper is under just being around me day to day. I start to apologize, but he smiles sadly and waves me on in front of him.
When we reach the clearing Jasper and Sam have selected, Jake is waiting for us, wearing only his shorts and a scowl. I have to take a deep breath. Spending this time with him seems more daunting right now than facing down a crazed vampire army.
"Ready?" he says, his voice lifeless, and I struggle to meet his gaze as I nod, turning to give Alice a hug. There don't seem to be any words that are appropriate. It's only now that I realize I didn't say anything to the others before we left the house. I start to feel panicked. I should have...what, said goodbye? The thought is crippling and I find it hard to catch my breath. Suddenly Jasper is at my side, tucking my hair behind my ears, and straightening my scarf. Helping the tight bands around my chest unfurl. "It's okay, Bella. Everyone is going to be fine. "
I want to believe him, want to believe in more than just his gift enfolding me and soothing me.
"Tell them..." I trail off, looking hopelessly at Alice, who juts her chin out as she nods, her eyes bright with emotion. I know how helpless she feels; unable to give me, to give any of us, the reassurance we crave. I take a deep breath and turn back to Jake.
"Let's go."
I fit myself against his chest as he lifts me, pressing my face into the heat of his neck, and closing my eyes. His hands feel huge and warm, even through my layers of clothing, and I can his heart thud comfortingly as he runs, away from the clearing and up into the trees toward the mountains. We don't speak. I listen to his even breathing, and the sound of the wind in the trees around us. It's possible that I even doze off, so exhausted by the events that have been unfolding for what seems like an eternity now, because it seems like only minutes and Jake is lowering me to the ground in front of a small tent. We're extremely high up, and the air is frigid. Jake looks up at the sky with concern. "There's a storm coming. God, Bella this was a terrible idea, I don't know why I let those monsters talk me into it."
I tug my hat further down over my ears, choosing to ignore his slur. "It's going to be okay. This camping gear is rated for far worse weather than this. Plus," I smile, aiming for levity. "I have my own personal furnace with me, right?"
"When it suits you, right Bella?" He snaps, his voice bitter. "Just until you're done with me, and can kill yourself."
I suck in a pained gasp. I don't know what to say. He sounds so hurt, and I know that I've done that to him.
He stares at his feet for a while, before sighing and running an impatient hand through his hair.
"Come on, it's freezing. Let's not kill you before you have a chance to do it yourself." He unzips the tent and holds the flap so that I can go in ahead of him. I crouch low, kicking off my boots and deciding to keep all my layers on as I wriggle into the downy sleeping bag. Jake stretches out beside me on another sleeping roll, zipping the tent closed behind him. The wind howls outside.
"You're angry." I manage finally, to break the silence more than anything, stating the obvious.
"Why wouldn't I be? You know how I feel Bella; I've been nothing but honest with you. You know that I fell in love with you last summer while hewas away. I saw what he did to you, how it ruined you, and I waited while you pulled yourself back together. Hell, I tried to help in every way that I could."
I think of that black, empty time. It seems so long ago now, so much has happened in the interim.
"And when you came back from Italy, you said it would be different. And at first I didn't believe you, but I've watched you Bella. I've seen you put up with Charlie's demands, earn his trust back, and commit to your time on the Rez, and I've seen you start to look like Bella I know and love again."
He sighs, scrubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand. My own eyes start to prick with tears.
"And I just wish you'd be honest. With yourself, with me. I know that you care about me. I know that you're...affected by me, Bella. I know we can be great together, if you'd just admit it to yourself."
My mind pictures it for a second. A little house on the Rez. Jake working as a mechanic, maybe. A kind of happiness. Not the kind I want.
"I don't understand, Bella. I don't know why you're talking about giving everything up. Giving your LIFE up. For him? After all this time? He left you. He's not coming back. I want you to have a future. I want you to want that future."
The tears are running freely down my face now, and my breath is hitching. I swipe at my cheeks with a gloved hand.
"Don't you get it, Jacob? This isn't about Edward anymore. You're right, he broke my heart. And you were there for me every day as I tried to piece it back together. And I will always be grateful for that." I clutch at his hand, willing him to hear me.
"This isn't about a choice between you and Edward. I don't think it's ever really been about that. It's a choice between who I thought I should be, and who I actually am. I've always felt ...out of step, Jake. Stumbling, literally, through life. I've never felt...normal. And it was only when I met the Cullens, when I met you and your pack. Jake, it was then that I realized that I'm not normal.
"Yes, I've had to face down an unimaginable amount of death and loss. Right now those seem almost inevitable, insurmountable. But being with the Cullens, I've never felt stronger, more real,more...myself.
"I've made a mess figuring all this out. I know that. And I've hurt you and I never, ever wanted that. But you want me to want a future, Jacob. And I do. I want a future with them. I want an eternity."
His warmth fills the space between us. I watch his chest rising and falling. I tug off my gloves, so that I can twine my fingers with his. He says nothing for the longest time. I wait, listening to the gathering storm, and thinking about our families out there in the fading night.
Finally he pulls me forward, into his arms, sleeping bag and all. I snuggle into his warmth. It feels like a form of forgiveness. The storm stretches, rumbling, across the night above us. "I'm not sure I'll ever be able to understand, Bella," he finally whispers, quietly into my ear. "But I love you too much not to try."
A jumbo update to thank you all for your patience and your kind and fantastic reviews.
I couldn't have a better champion for this story than katinki. Please immediately head over to Season of Our Discontent, the angst contest she's running. The entries are amazing, and will make you heart bleed in the best ways.
Let me know if you're hanging in there with me. We're almost there!