A/N: Long time in-between chapters, I apologize. I love Harley and Pam together so this chapter is mostly focusing on them. And a little intro to the new things I am planning for Part 5, which will be entitled "Fill Me with Your Poison". It's a bit of ways away, but I was feeling creative. Enjoy, review, do whatever. Just know I love my readers!

Chapter 11: Find Myself

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it's like I'm someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave

"The House that Built Me," Miranda Lambert

In a weird way, it felt nice to be back in our apartment. Obviously, it was a welcome change considering the rather dire living situation I had been in before. After we had our moment of revelation of the feelings shared between us, he got down to the point, "Ok, so I didn't exactly question you about how you got here."

We were curled up on the couch, both of us with a cup of watered-down coffee in our hands. The Joker was starting to sober up a little.

"Where do I even begin?" I exhaled audibly, "I guess I should warn you before I start telling you all the details that there are going to be moments of this that you won't like."

"Harley, honest to God, I'm just happy that you're alive." He said, rubbing his bloodshot eyes, "Just start from what you remember."

"Well, I went to Bruce's –" I glanced at him, trying to gauge his reaction, but he continued watching me, "And we talked about a few things, and then I went to walk out his door, someone hit me and I blacked out. When I came to, Bane was slapping me in the face and demanding questions of me. I basically told him to fuck off."

"That's my girl." He said proudly.

I smiled a little, "Thanks. Anyway, Bane got frustrated, so he had put me in some dingy, dinky room with nothing but a bed and a chair. Disgusting, may I add. Anyway, he tried to get stuff out of me about you and Bruce, but I wasn't exactly having it. He tried to strangle me."

I could feel his body go completely tense, and I halted, "Woah, woah, don't start with that."

He clenched his fists tightly, releasing them slowly, "I'm fine. Just swallowing my rage."

"I know, but you need to calm down, ok? At least until I finish the story?"

"Fine." He mumbled.

"I told him off for that, too, by the way. I was in a rather sassy mood the entire time I was there. So then he was kind of starving me, too, so I complained and he finally gave me food. I didn't even take a shower or anything. I felt like a disgusting fuck." I shuddered in revulsion, "Ok, so then that's where you came in. I was actually starting to get somewhere with Bane, which I'll get to in a minute. Antoine rescued me at that point."

"I heard he's dead." He said matter-of-factly, "I take it you know what happened there."

"Yeah, um…about that…" I didn't meet his eye.

"Did you kill him?" he asked directly.

"Yeah…" I could feel my face burning under his stare, "It was an accident. I tried to wrestle the gun away from Bane and it went off. It killed him. I'm so, so sorry. You don't even know how upset and guilty I feel about it."

"Harley, if it was an accident, I understand. I knew you wouldn't intentionally kill Antoine. He was a good guy. A solid bodyguard is hard to find these days." The Joker shrugged, "I'm done mourning the loss. Continue."

"Bane told me Bruce was there. They got in a rather horrible altercation and Bruce and I left."

"Why did they get in this rather horrible altercation?"

"Because Bane might be Bruce's stepbrother," I groaned, "It's all so fucking complicated."

"Yeah, I can see where they might be." He admitted, "I take it Wayne wasn't pleased?"

"No, he beat the ever-loving crap out of him."

"Not my style, but hey, I gotta give him credit where it's due." He grinned.

I smacked his shoulder, "Not the point! Bruce could have killed him."

"And you care why?"

That was a good question.

"Uh…"

"That's a very specific answer."

I glared at him.

"That's the Harley I missed so dearly." I actually saw a look of complete fondness cross his face, and suddenly he leaned over and kissed me.

It was the first time we had kissed in…God, I couldn't even remember how long. It didn't feel strange or anything, just a little confusing. I knew he loved me, and he meant that, but how could he still love me despite all the shit I'd put him through? It was silly of me to think about it, but I couldn't help it crossing my mind.

He pulled away, "I think I lost you there."

"I'm sorry. It's just too soon for all this affection. I've barely even had time to get over Bruce." I admitted, "I want to enjoy kissing you, but right now it's just too hard."

"Damn Wayne, cock-blocking me for the last 2 years," He grumbled, "He's still doing it posthumously."

I smiled, amused, "You mean post-breakup?"

"It's the same thing."

"If you're comparing our breakup to death, then ours must be a goddamn zombie." I rolled my eyes, "No matter how many times it got shot in the head, it still came back wanting more."

He raised an eyebrow at me, and then began laughing hysterically, "You seriously just compared our relationship a zombie?"

I flushed, "It seemed like a lucid thought in my head, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You seem to not know how to keep certain thoughts to yourself, Harley." He shook his head, still chuckling, "Man, I've missed your insanity."

"Pot –" I gestured at him, and then at myself, "Kettle. I think I've made my point."

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, Miss Quinzel." He shrugged, "Maybe you should listen to that advice."

"I did this time." I said shortly, "And I got burned more than ever before because I hurt a person I really cared about, and right when he needed me, too."

"He doesn't need you to take care of his problems. Don't feel any sort of obligation to him after this point, do you hear me?" he demanded. I stared stubbornly at our broken television, and he repeated himself, "Do you hear me, Harley?"

"Yes, I hear you. I just don't want to accept that he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I guess I always knew it would end like this…that I would break his heart." I sighed deeply, and rubbed my aching temples with my hand, "I hate being emotionally compromised like this."

"I think you're missing a very important point here." The Joker said quietly.

I looked up, searching his eyes for some sort of answer, and when I gave him about as vapid a look as I could muster, he threw his hands up in the air in frustration, "There was a person who cared about you this whole fucking time, you know! And you may have broken his heart, in case you give a shit!" He then stood up and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

I sat there, stunned for a moment, and then ran toward the door. I opened it and yelled into the hallway, "Quit throwing a temper tantrum! You know I give a shit about you! Get back here!"

"I'm leaving!" he shouted back, "I'll be back later when I'm not so pissed off at you!"

"How much later?"

"None of your goddamn business!"

"GOD I HATE YOU!" I screamed, and promptly closed the door, locking it.

Seriously? He really needed to do this right now? Just…SERIOUSLY. I hated when he cloaked his other vulnerable emotions in anger. It had sort of always been his problem, communicating his true feelings and attributing the right actions to them. He confused the hell out of me, and somehow I still missed him, and hated that we fought all the time like this. One moment he was all mushy-gushy and almost romantic, and then in a split second he turned into an unusually hormonal teenager. And unfortunately for the world, his hormones made him go on criminal binges that generally left things in Gotham in a state of disarray.

As I sat down on the couch and vowed not to let myself be bothered by his stupid antics, I glanced at the table and realized that he left his cell phone on the table. It suddenly occurred to me then that Pam was probably flipping shit right now, worrying about my disappearance. I picked up the phone and dialed the number,

"Hello, 5th Avenue Hilton. How may I direct your call?"

Pam always liked to be in the lap of luxury, "Penthouse B, please."

"One moment, please."

The phone rang two times before a deep female voice picked up, "Hello?"

"Pam?"

"HARLEY YOU BITCH WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" she screamed. I pulled the phone away from my ear and could still hear her perfectly, "My ass has been looking for you everywhere! I thought you were fucking dead in a ditch somewhere! Do you even know how worried I've been? Where the fuck are you?"

"I'm at his place." I said vaguely. I was always worried about the city tapping this phone.

"I'll be there in a couple minutes." She then hung up.

Pam was true to her word. She nearly broke the door down when she knocked on it. I opened the door, and she thrust herself at me. I was no match for her superior strength.

She held onto me tightly, "Don't ever fucking disappear on me again! I don't think I've slept in days!"

"Well, it's ok, Pam, I'm back now." I said, patting her back, and realized she was crying, "Hey, hey, you're going to get my shirt all wet."

"Seriously?" she pulled back, wiping at her eyes fiercely, "Harley, I was freaking out. I thought you were dead. We both thought you were."

"I know," I immediately regretted saying that to her; Pam was not exactly one to show emotion…ever. I, on the other hand, was an emotional disaster, "I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to discourage you from getting upset. I'm just really over talking about. A lot has gone down in the past couple of days."

"Tell me about it." Generally, what most would perceive as a suggestion was a command in Pam's world. She glanced around, "Where is the man?"

"God, don't even ask." I groaned.

Once I explained the whole spiel to her, she grimaced, "Shit, babe, that is definitely a lot to go through…are you alright?"

"As alright as I can be, I guess." I shrugged, "I just keep feeling like Bruce is going to talk to me again, like everything was going to be like it was before. I know that it's different this time. He was just so pissed at me. I really don't think he's ever going to forgive me for this. I also feel like shit because I was sort of ignoring the fact that Mr. J really cares about me, and I took it for granted. Then again, we've always had this dynamic between us."

"Maybe you guys should just fuck." Pam said without so much as blinking.

"Yeah, um, not going to happen right now." I raised my eyebrow, "I'm already feeling so wrecked over Bruce…I don't want to add to any more misery on my part and lead him on in any way."

"Well, don't you like him?"

"You know as well as I do how complicated we are, Pamela." I glared at her, "You're not usually this involved in my love life. What's going on?"

"Nothing, really," she said, averting my eyes, "It's just…you should have seen how he was when you disappeared. He called me at first, thinking I was with you and you had ditched him again to stay at my place or something as usual. When I said I hadn't heard from you, he sounded really freaked. He sent out his lackeys to look all around Gotham for you, and when you didn't turn up, he did something he didn't want to do."

"What do you mean?" I was curious.

"He probably will never tell you this, and he swore me to secrecy, but for the good of the cause, I think you should know."

"What happened, Pam?" I was starting to get irritated.

"Jesus, keep your shirt on," she rolled her eyes. I ignored the supreme awkwardness of that comment and let her keep talking. She took a deep breath and said, "He went to see Bruce."

Ok, so I didn't see that coming.

"Are you serious?" I asked in a hushed tone, "He would rather bite off his own dick."

"I know. That's why I am telling you. He figured that since you had been seeing Bruce again, you were just staying over there and not talking to him to punish him or something – ok, seriously you two need therapy, Harley, just gotta say that – and Bruce almost beat the shit out of him but he explained what was going on, and Bruce agreed on a temporary truce with him for your sake. Bruce was the one who figured out where you were, and they teamed up to get you out of there. The Joker sent Antoine and Bruce went there himself. Obviously, Antoine getting killed was a minor setback but they anticipated something like that happening; Bruce knew that showing up would throw Bane off. Bruce was supposed to call the Joker and let him know what happened, but he clearly went back on that part of the deal. Thankfully, the Joker had spies outside of Wayne Manor and they saw you come home with him, and the Joker waited until things exploded between you and Bruce."

"Wow, he certainly can predict the future." I said bitterly.

"You're better with the Joker, anyway." She said dismissively, "Bruce is an ass, and I'm not just saying that because he dumped you. He's incredibly stupid for dumping you, but at the same time, you guys weren't right for each other. You were on opposite sides moral sides of the spectrum, literally good and evil. It never mixes."

"I guess I always thought that we'd figure a way around it." I said wistfully, "After I considered it, I realized how fucking dumb I was to think that we'd ever be on the right page, that he would ever accept my friendship with the Joker and the feelings I have for him."

"Feelings…?" Pam leaned forward, "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, don't get all excited." I snapped, aggravated, "I still don't know where I am with that and I won't be for a while. He's going to have to accept it if he wants me to stay. I like him…I could potentially love him again. He just needs to stop acting like a fucking crazy ass-hole and figure out his own emotions, too."

"You have a degree in psychology, Harley, I think you can help him with that." Pam smirked, "What did you go to 8 years of college for?"

"Apparently to run off with a psychopath. Yup, exactly what they wanted me to do." I shook my head in disbelief, "I guess I should retrieve some of that knowledge and use it to my advantage."

"Good plan," Pamela grinned, "God, I'm just so happy you're ok. You're my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you."

I embraced her, "Pam, you're my best friend, too. I'm sorry for scaring you. I guess I just couldn't help being kidnapped, you know."

"Yeah, well, there's that." Pam laughed, releasing me, "Do you want to get something to eat? I'm starving."

"Sure, sounds good," I said, standing up, and then realized something, "Oh right, I don't have a wallet because they took it. Sons of bitches."

"I'll pay."

"Then we're good to go."

…

Pam and I slid into a booth at our usual coffee place, and ordered.

"So, Pam, you want to tell me what he's up to?" I asked, stirring my latte.

"I don't know who you are referring to," Pam said innocently.

I gave her a stern look, and she sighed, "Honestly, I don't know. He's been talking about meeting with the mob bosses again last I heard. I don't really communicate with him unless you're involved."

I groaned, "I don't understand why he thinks it's a good idea to keep fucking with the gangsters. It's going to get him in trouble."

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Pam said.

"Are you waxing philosophical today?" I smirked.

"It's true, and you know it." She raised an eyebrow, "I believe some of your actions fall under that category, Harleen."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I said dismissively, "Whatever, let's not talk about him right now. It gives me a migraine. What have you been up to?"

"Other than worrying about you…I'm working on a new little toxin recipe." She said, shrugging, "It's a slow and steady process, but I think I've almost perfected it."

Pamela had been a biology major at Harvard, so this all made sense to me. She had talked for the past 6 months about creating this love toxin that would have the same effect as laughing gas. Mostly it was so that people could be distracted when she was robbing a bank or something.

"That's good news." I said, "It's been taking up a lot of your time."

"Yeah, any time I'm not with you, that is what I'm doing." Pam looked around surreptitiously, and then leaned forward, "I've been hatching a little plan."

"And what is this little plan?"

"I think you should ditch Mr. J for a bit and do some stuff with me."

I knew what she meant by 'stuff', "You mean, join forces."

"Mmhmm," she said, "And I've got someone interested in the plan."

I was intrigued, "Oh, really? Anyone I know?"

"Yeah, I think you know her."

"Oh it's a her, then." I wiggled my eyebrows.

"She's not my girlfriend or anything." Pam rolled her eyes, "I wish."

"Can you just tell me who it is?"

"Jesus, calm down. It's Selina Kyle."

"Oh come on Pam…" I put my head in my hands, "Not fucking Selina Kyle."

"What's wrong with her? She'd be a valuable asset to the team."

"You're more interested in looking at her ass than her asset." I was really secretly proud of this remark. I was learning some good things from the Joker.

"Ha…ha…ha, so funny I forgot to motherfucking laugh." Pam scowled, "She's a really nice person if you'd get to know her."

"She's a crazy cat lady."

"She's that among other things."

"You just like women in leather."

"That I do," Pam said dreamily.

"I think we'd better end this conversation. That older gentleman is basically panting over you right now." I glanced in the aforementioned man's general direction.

Pamela merely made eye contact with the man, and gave him a winning smile. He literally blushed and looked away as fast as he could.

"See? I intimidate them. This is why I'm a lesbian. They're not scared of me." Pam pouted, "But back to the matter at hand, can't you at least talk to her? Get to know her a bit. For me?"

"What makes you think I'd do anything for you?"

"Because you love me," she winked.

"False."

"Because you call me your best friend," she corrected.

"That's slightly more accurate."

"Oh come on, Harley, she's got a lot to offer the team. Think about it. Three sexy, awesome women taking over Gotham…I see it. It will be legendary." If we were cartoons, Pam would have stars in her eyes.

"As legendary as it sounds, Pam, I'm still skeptical."

"You're always skeptical. Skeptical Sue."

"You just made that up."

"That's neither here nor there." She drained the rest of her coffee, "The point is that this could potentially rock the shit out of this town. You can't deny it."

"No, I can't." I admitted, "Alright, I will meet her. Set it up. I'm not making any promises, though."

"YAY!" Pam grinned, "I'm so excited!"

Pamela Isley plus the word 'yay' equals a very terrified Harley Quinzel.

"Since when have we become the peppy types? I thought I'd never live to see the day." I shook my head in disbelief.

"I'm going to call her right now!" Pam pulled out her cell.

"Really, Pam? The nefarious Poison Ivy is going to call the reprehensible Catwoman in the middle of a coffee shop?"

"You used all the big words in your vocabulary there, didn't you, sweetie?"

"I hate you."