A/N: A lot of schtuff happens in this chap. Loving it. The muses are smiling or more like grinning. WOOP. Don't own these characters just all their thoughts and emotions that I find time to write.

Chapter 12: Dysfunction

We're stuck on this dysfunction

We love it to our death

We celebrate distraction

By lighting up this bed

"August 28th, 3:30 AM," Automatic Loveletter

After Pam had dropped me off, I entered the apartment and saw him sitting there on the couch, arms folded against his chest like a petulant child who had just been put in timeout.

He didn't look at me as I came in. I closed the door behind me, and put my jacket on the kitchen chair. I said, as cheery as I could be, "Hey."

What I received was cold silence.

"Ok, seriously, we're going to do this right now?" I sighed, exasperated. I kicked off my shoes, and sat on the coffee table, facing him, "Do you want to use your words to explain how you're feeling? I feel like a fucking kindergarten teacher."

"Where were you?"

"With Pam," I said, "What did you expect?"

"No phone call." He said curtly.

"I don't have a cell phone anymore, thanks to Bane."

"I'll get you a new one."

"Thanks," I said awkwardly, "So, Pam tells me that you're working on a new project."

"That's none of her business."

"Yeah, well, she made it her business." I shrugged, "She's got some crackpot plan to start a 'Gotham Girls' sitcom or something."

"What the hell are you talking about?" For the first time in the conversation, he didn't say this in a monotone.

"She wants to create an all-girls crime syndicate, me, her, and Selina Kyle."

The Joker snorted derisively, "Wow, if there is a worse idea in the world, I'd like to hear it."

"It's not that bad." I said reproachfully.

"The pussy doesn't want to work with you two idiots. She does pretty good alone."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't call her 'the pussy'." I said, wrinkling my nose in disgust, "Plus how do you know? Have you even met her?"

"Yes, I have met her." He smiled a little, "She's a character."

"Pam seems interested in what she could do." I said.

"That's because Pam likes any woman in leather."

"That is very true – as disturbing as that is – but beside the point. I told Pam I'd agree to meet her and see if we'd get along." I bit my lip, "I just have a bad feeling about it."

"Why is that?" he leaned forward, putting a hand on my leg. We were making progress; touching was now involved in the conversation and that was a good sign.

"Eh, I just think she's not very trustworthy. She seems pretty flighty, in my opinion, and arrogant as all hell from what I've seen from the news."

"You can't always trust the media. They paint you as a blonde, ditzy psychiatrist who ran away with a madman." He smirked, and I smacked his arm.

"Which we all know is NOT true!"

"Oh, I know. I don't consider myself a madman."

I lifted my hand to smack his arm again, and he grabbed my wrist before I could. He stared at me for a moment, and smiled. He then pulled me forward and kissed me. It was a gripping, I-want-you-right-now sort of kiss.

"Mr. J…" I said softly.

"Please, Harley, I've waited long enough for this. Finally, I have you to myself again. I don't have to deal with a fiancé, Bruce Wayne, or – the strangest of all – your lesbian best friend. I think it's not too much to ask to let me show you how much I love you."

I searched his eyes for sincerity; I knew I'd never really find it, but I knew in my heart that these words were the closest I'd heard to the real deal.

"That's really sweet, but…"

"Why does there have to be a 'but'?" he groaned, exasperated, "There's always a 'but' with you!"

"I'm scared." I admitted, "What will this mean?"

"I think we should just try it and find out."

"I think you're just horny."

"There's that, too, yes." He shrugged nonchalantly, "Can't lie about that."

"I just don't know if I can trust you again. Five minutes ago you were pissed off beyond belief and now you're all lovey-dovey and it's a bit disconcerting." I said, grasping his hand tightly, "I really do want to believe that you won't hurt me again, but I just can't right now."

"Well, I do know that your shying away from intimacy is because of what I've done in the past." He stood up, "Excuse me for a minute."

He went into the bathroom and was in there for at least 10 minutes. When he came back out, his face was scrubbed of all the makeup and the dye was washed out of his hair. I could still see a few traces of the curly blonde ends, but I had to smile a little. He had begun to show me his real face more and more often since we had lived together and it never ceased to amaze me at how handsome he was. I didn't even mind the scars. They were just an integral part of his appearance.

He sat down on the couch, "It is a bit hard to trust me with that make-up on."

"True."

"Now, Harley, look at me."

I did, and for the first time, I saw a look of such desperation in his eyes. He really wanted me to love him again. I couldn't help feeling a bit nostalgic for the time when this was new, when there wasn't so much bad blood between us. Every day I had spent with him after knowing that he caused the demise of so many people I had loved felt like a stab in the chest. I felt like my departed loved ones were punishing me for basically consorting with the devil. But, I hadn't had any nightmares lately, no visions of Maggie or alternate Harley, which had been making my nights a whole lot more restful. Maybe their absence was a sign that I could move on from my past and possibly make him my present. It terrified me that I could be thinking this, but it seemed inevitable that I would yet again fall under his spell. What was I going to do?

"Harley, you zoned out."

"Oh, geez, sorry!" I said, startled, "You know how I get lost in my thoughts."

"Yeah, that lovable sort of quirkiness you possess only makes me want you more."

"Don't be crude."

"Aw, I thought that was part of my charm." He hung his head, feigning dejection.

"Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that, bud."

"You're just so damn mean."

"I thought that was part of my charm." I said ironically.

"Ah, clever woman. I can forgive you because you keep up with me." He grinned.

"I want to know what you think about the whole Selina thing." I said, annoyed at the 360-degree turn our conversation took.

"I told you what I think." He sighed, clearly exasperated, "Pam just wants Selina involved because she wants a new friend to fuck around with."

"I'm pretty sure Selina is straight." I said, rolling my eyes, "So Pam is sorely mistaken in that respect."

"I think Selina will sleep with anything that moves and has functioning genitalia, to be honest." He shrugged, "Rumor has it she slept with the Batman not that long ago."

"What?" I asked, dazed, "That can't be right."

"As I said, it's a rumor. What do you care, anyway? You're not with him anymore." He was watching me like someone watches an approaching deadly animal, cautious and ready to run away at any given second.

"God damn it, I'll fucking rip his balls off if he slept with that skank!" I exploded.

"I'm sure it was when you two were separated." He said, "And you keep forgetting the fact that I said it maybe isn't true."

"I'll bet it's true, that motherfucking liar cheating on me! I'll straighten this out!" I was seething and doing my best not to punch something. I grabbed his phone. The Joker reached forward as fast as lightning and wrestled it out of my hand.

"No!" he scolded me, "No calling the ex-boyfriend! Bad idea!"

"I wasn't going to call him; I was going to call Pam!" I snapped, "I thought maybe she would know the truth."

"If I don't know, Pam doesn't know. Stop making excuses. You were going to call him and you know what. It's barely been 2 days since you left his house. I know that you're upset and hurt, but he doesn't want to talk to you, especially about this." He said, "I can assure you of that."

"God I fucking hate him." I began sobbing, "I bet he was fucking that whore while we were together!"

"You're a bit fragile right now. I regret telling you about that. I thought maybe you would have taken it differently."

"How the hell else would I have taken it? I hate cheaters and you know that! You know about my college ex-boyfriend and how he ran off with my best friend! You fucking know that and you still chose to me that? God, you're such a dick!" I stood up, "I actually thought about having sex with you but now forget it! I'm not going to be in the mood for weeks!"

As I stormed away and into the bathroom, I heard him say to myself, "Fuck my life."

…

I decided to just take a shower and try to release some of my energy. I stood there for indeterminable amount of time, and just let the hot water fall on me and try to forget what I had heard. I knew I was being sort of irrational right now, but come on, the guy had just broken up with me and now I was hearing that he may not have been faithful? What a fucking joke. I was having a hard time believing it, but I did have to justify this in my head somehow. Maybe it was when we had broken up, when I had left him initially for the Joker or it could have been the other time we had broken up before that, or it could have been just some one-night stand. It probably wasn't a relationship by any means. Selina Kyle was not the relationship type. But still…even if he did, he lied. He lied by omission and that hurt me more than I wanted to ever admit. I knew it was a bit hypocritical coming from me, the queen of the liars and life-fuck-up-ers. I broke his heart more than once, and that was something I couldn't bear to dwell on.

A knock on the bathroom door interrupted my thoughts, "Harley?"

"What?" I asked, the weariness prominent in my voice.

"I have Pam on the phone. She wants to talk to you."

"Tell her I'll call her back later."

"You need to talk to her now." He said.

"Is it really that urgent?"

"She says it is."

I let out a string of curses under my breath and got out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around me, and opened the door.

"Sexy." He grinned.

I took the phone and slammed the door, locking it.

I adjusted my head towel and answered the call, "What?"

"I don't deserve that tone."

"Yeah, you do actually. What the hell were you thinking, not telling me that Bruce fucked the stupid Catwoman?" I was trying very hard not to start yelling, because I knew that would be pretty ineffective in this case.

"We don't know if that's true. It was only something I heard." Pam said.

"Oh so you're the one who's spreading the rumor, then. Awesome," I drawled, "Who did you hear that from?"

"You're going to get mad."

"No, I'm not. Just tell me."

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you. I heard it from Selina herself." Pam said, her voice dropping off substantially at the end of the statement.

"Ok, so, what you're telling me is that Selina told you and this doesn't count as evidence."

"Yeah, it doesn't. Selina is a compulsive liar. She'll say anything to get what she wants out of you." Pam said, trying to be reassuring, "I'm sure that it wasn't true."

"Then why would she say that? She has nothing against me. I've never even met her!" I exclaimed, "Why would she go around spreading rumors like that?"

"Um, because she doesn't know Bruce and the Batman are the same person, babe."

"Oh," I said, deflated, "Well, ok then."

"I hope that cleared it up for you."

"I'm still pissed off." I pouted.

"I know you are. Bruce means a lot to you, and I know how you feel about cheaters." Pam said soothingly.

"You need to tell the man that belongs to this phone that. I'm pissed at him for telling me this so soon after the break-up. He has no fucking tact at all."

"I don't know how this still surprises you." Pam laughed, "He's always been a bit socially inept."

"That's the understatement of the millennium." I said, almost cracking a smile, "Well, I need to go. Come over tomorrow."

"When?"

"I don't care. I'll be here all day. You have a key."

"Alright. Are you sure you're ok, Harley? I don't want to get off the phone until I know that I'm not going to find you hanging from the rafters."

"We don't have rafters. And no, seriously, I'm fine. I just need time to process this." I leaned against the bathroom wall, all of a sudden feeling my sleepiness, "I need to get some rest. It's been an emotionally trying day."

"Alright. I'll stop by tomorrow around lunch. I'll bring bagels."

"You're a saint."

"I do my best."

We hung up and I opened the door, and the Joker was still standing there. I handed him the phone, "Eavesdropping?"

"I guess I should just admit to it, considering I've been caught." He smiled crookedly, "What did Pam have to say?"

"Nothing you didn't already say."

"You sounded murderous."

"The only thing was that Selina told Pam about her and Bruce, which means there is a good chance that it isn't true." I reiterated for him, "So I guess that makes me feel a little better."

"I just don't know why you care so much."

"Fact: I've been cheated on. Fact: I hate cheaters. Ergo, if he cheated, then I will hate him." I declared, "I've demonstrated my logic, and now I shall go to bed."

"I'll join you."

"Couch," I said, pointing at the object of which I was speaking.

"I don't think so."

"Well, I do think so, so you're doing it. End of discussion."

"Since when did you get this take charge attitude?" he raised an eyebrow, "I'm not sure if I'm pissed off or want to jump you."

"Yeah, so, you're sleeping on the couch. Peace, bro." I said, and attempted to close the door behind me, but the Joker put his foot in it.

"I am not sleeping on the couch."

"Alright, alright, you don't have to. I was just trying to see if that would work, to be honest. If we sleep in the same bed, though, no funny business."

"I have no idea what you mean." He said as he took off his button-up shirt and started rummaging around in the dresser for one of his crappy, bargain-bin t-shirts. What I never understood is that he was loaded but never seemed to use the money for anything normal, like clothes or shoes, but rather for, oh you know, stuff like hand grenades and carbon monoxide.

"You know exactly what the phrase 'funny business' means."

"Will you provide a demonstration of what it could be?" he licked his lips in a basically pornographic fashion.

"Yeah, so how about um…no to that, then," I sighed, "You're obscene."

"You like it."

"False." I merely replied.

"Keep denying it, Princess, but one day, out of nowhere you're going to be like – BAM!" he threw his hands up in the air for emphasis, and then said in a lower voice, "Oh wait, I want to fuck the shit out of this man next to me. And you know what I'll do? I'll just tell you no."

"Oh yeah, seriously, you would do that." I actually outright laughed at that, "You are incapable of telling me no in that department."

"How would you know? We've only had sex a grand total of 2 times."

"Where are you getting the second time from? It was only once."

"Are you sure it wasn't twice? I swear to God I remember having sex with someone recently…" his face screwed up in thought, "Oh, so maybe it was Selina…"

I promptly punched him as hard as I could in the gut, and the look on his face was priceless as he doubled over, "FUCK!"

"You know you deserved that."