A/N: You can also find this in WattPad, but with different names, of course. :) Oh, and expect mild OOC. Heehee. XD

Enjoy!

#5: When It Was Me

"What makes her so much better than me? What makes her your every dream and fantasy?"

For Evith—thank you for sticking around

Today, I saw you with Sumire once again. You carried her bag and held her hand the way you did to me before. You seem so happy with her, were you that happy when you were still with me?

Hotaru almost smacked my head with a book because I was staring at your general direction for far too long. What's so bad about that? Oh, yeah, I almost forgot—we're already through. You told me there was no spark anymore and I guess that was it. Problem is, I don't know whether I'll be able to move on or not.

Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous, no. I just want you back. I want to be with you again, to be able to feel your breath against my skin. I want you to kiss me with so much passion I can never comprehend. I want to be yours for another time, but I guess it's too late.

I can see you like her so much that you don't want to leave her anymore. You look at her with such intensity that you never even reached when we still happened. I observe your every move around her, and damn, it just tears me apart. Are you doing this to me on purpose? Do you even realize how much it hurts just looking at you having the time of your life with her around? Do you know how it feels to be left behind? No emotional pain will ever compare to what I'm feeling right now—as I watch you two, laughing as if the world revolves around just the two of you.

My world revolved around you, and it will always be; so I guess my statement was hypothetically correct in some way.

I don't want to be rude, but, why her? Why not just me?

Have I not given you everything I have?

Are you not satisfied with the way I love you?

If you wanted more, you should have hinted something—I love you too much to say no, and you know that.

What is it with me that you do not like? Just tell me and I will surely change whatever it is. I'm willing to do anything for you—even if it means that I have to change. Sometimes, I just wish I'm her. I wish I'm that emerald-eyed girl you have in your arms right now. I would give anything just to be her, if that would make you mine again. Sometimes I ask myself, 'What makes her so much better? What is wrong with me? What is there to improve?' because it just pains me more when I don't know what it is that you don't find appealing anymore. It hurts because I don't know why you don't love me they way you did before.

I don't think anything changed in my case, so it really left me wondering—even in my sleep.

What happened?

And now, I'm silently observing you from my seat, chatting with her as if she's the only girl in the room. Hotaru nudged me and her cold gaze pierced my insides.

"There are other men out there. Your world should not revolve just around him. He doesn't even have a good attitude to begin with," was what she said.

"Someone will always be nicer to me, someone will always treat me better and someone will always treat me like a queen, but they will never be Natsume; not even close," and then I sighed as I contemplated more on whatever was to be contemplated.

You will never know how I feel whenever you smile from a distance, even if it wasn't meant for me. You have no idea how tiring it gets to have endless banters with Hotaru just so I could go out with you. Do you even have the slightest idea that I could talk about you for hours and not get bored? You will never know how I try to hide my feelings now. You will never understand why, even after all the pain you've caused me; I still want to talk to you just to hear your voice. You have no idea how we could pass through tears and pain just to be with you. You have no idea how much I love you.

But I'm getting tired of this feeling. I don't want to be hurt anymore; I don't want to love you because it only pains me. Seeing you so happy with her just makes me feel worst. It doesn't help me at all.

Right now, I just want to move on with my life.

Even if it means I have to forget about you—every single thing about you.

"I just want to move on…I don't love him anymore…"

"Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, Mikan," Hotaru deadpanned and I just had to bang my head on the table for that.

Hotaru, you're supposed to be my best friend. Why are you not helping me move on?

"What are you implying? I don't love him anymore, I'm sure of it…"

"Why don't you say his name?"

I blinked. What in the name of crimson does that even mean?

"What?"

"Just say his name damn it," her patience is almost out, I can sense that.

"N-N…" all of a sudden, it's as if all memories we had came bursting out like a flash flood. Just remembering his name gives me a tingling sensation.

Why is it so hard? It's just his name, for pete's sake!

"N-Nat…"

"See? You can't even say his name properly without getting those butterflies in your tummy. Figures," and Hotaru rolled her eyes at me. Gah, Hotaru, what the heck?

"That's beside the point! I don't want him anymore. He could marry Shouda for all I care. I don't love him, period."

"I see the way you look at him, I see you smile to yourself like an idiot whenever he's close or when he talks—even if he actually wasn't talking to you. You can't even say his name right and just the mention of it makes your heart beat fast. How do I know this? Your face turns red and you have this distinct expression. You always grab your phone right when you get a message just to check if it's him—even if you know that he will never text you after your break-up. You always talk about him and never get tired, and I bet you think about him all the time. He's the reason why you walk slow and search for him in crowded rooms and hallways—even if it hurts to see him with her. He's the reason why you can't love anyone else, because your heart is still and will always be stuck with him. You can't lie to me, Mikan. Don't tell me you don't love Natsume after all those things you feel about him."

That statement left me dumbfounded.

Maybe it's true, maybe I still love him.

Ahh, screw those crap about moving on.

Right now, I've got to figure out a way how to get rid of this emotion.

I've got to figure out a way to stop looking at them and wishing that it was me he was holding in his arms.

Problem is, I don't know where to start...

Snippet End

Woot! Reviews are much appreciated, so is a well-written concrit. :)

Ria x