The Fool - Chapter 4

One rainy Friday afternoon, you decided to go to one of your clubs, and ended up holed up in the Home Economics room with Bebe. He'd been trying to teach you how to knit, and it wasn't really going that well. You cursed quietly as you hit another snag.

"What was zat?" Bebe asked curiously, in his distinctive foreign accent. Apparently, you'd used a word he wasn't familiar with.

"It's nothing," you said quickly. "I just screwed up again." Bebe made an unusual tsk'ing sound and came over to check your work. You felt guilty for tearing him away from his kimono again, but really, you just weren't any good at this.

You should've gone to tennis practice instead.

"Here, like zis," Bebe said kindly, and he tore out your mistakes, and once again taught you how to loop the yarn. You followed his motions the best you could. When he was satisfied that you could manage on your own, he went back to his sewing machine.

"Thanks," you said. "I'm sorry for slowing you down."

"It eez okay," he smiled. "I am happy to help my best tomodachi!" You smiled back at him, and you felt the bond between you strengthen. You could almost see the connection, as if you and Bebe were connected by a slender, golden thread. Other threads linked you to your other friends- the rest of SEES, your teammates, your classmates- basically everyone you talked to was linked to you, somehow. Most people talked freely about the phrase 'social network,' but they'd be appalled to see how literal it really was.

You weren't sure if you liked being able to see the truth. You felt like a fat spider in the middle of an expanding web. Trading your innocence for power, Yukari had said.

Boy, did she have it right.

Bebe worked in silence for a while, and in the meantime, you labored away at your scarf. You liked the red and orange yarn you'd picked out. It would be pretty when it was finished. The colors on Bebe's kimono were coming together nicely, too. You commented on how nice it looked.

"Oh! Oh- arigato," he said. Obviously, you'd broken his concentration. He looked flustered. "I hope zat my uncle, he likes eet."

"I'm sure he will. Anyone would."

"Yes," Bebe said, after a moment of thought. His brow was furrowed and his lips were pouted. He looked kind of silly, actually, when that was combined with his long nose and weird haircut.

You weren't a big ol' fancy-pants like Mitsuru Kirijo. You'd never traveled outside the country, or even very far away from Port Island, for that matter. Orphans didn't really get any travel money, you never studied any foreign languages, and you were never inspired enough to apply for any study abroad programs. You admired Bebe's determination to escape his home.

"What's it like, back in France? I've never traveled anywhere before." You'd always sensed that Bebe didn't want to talk about his home, but you were genuinely curious. Besides, with the way he always talked about living with his aunt and uncle- well, let's just say that you suspected the two of you had more in common than either of you were letting on.

Sure enough, Bebe's expression darkened. He didn't enjoy talking about his home at all.

"Eet eez okay," he sighed. "But I was not happy zere." He wasn't going to say anything else about it. Should you bring up the whole no-parents thing, or keep it to yourself? You sensed that Bebe was lonely, and needed a friend.

"It's ok," you said. "I don't have any parents, either." He looked up at you, surprised.

You'd gotten much more used to talking about your dead parents lately.

Everyone in SEES had some sort of awful familial problem. Most of them had at least one close relative who'd died in a horrible manner. Somehow, it had never occurred to any of them to talk to each other about these things, but they all managed to corner you to rant about their latest dead cat, or whatever. Of course, that was how it worked. You were the link.

They were all connected to you, but not to each other.

The first was Yukari. You were unconscious in the hospital for a week and a half, and the moment you woke up, she greeted you with a sob story about her dead father and her crazy mom. You couldn't have cared less if you tried. At least she had a crazy mom.

That night, for the first time in as long as you could remember, tears welled up in your eyes when you thought of your parents.

As you became closer, though, you began to see parallels to your own life. Her father had died in a horrible accident, the same way that your parents had. She never spoke to her mother, so she might as well not have had one. You supposed that parentless by choice was more or less the same as parentless by force-of-untimely-death.

Not too long after that, Junpei decided to dump his feelings on you, too. He took you out to lunch at Hagakure and started spilling his guts about his alcoholic father. You listened in polite silence. Well, up until he got to the part where shit got weird.

"Some people would probably be better off having no parents at all," he sighed into his soup. You raised an eyebrow.

"My parents weren't alcoholics." Junpei, to his credit, immediately realized that he'd said something insensitive. He scrambled to apologize, but you shrugged it off. Your parents had died before you were old enough to remember much about them. You had no aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends, or other secondary sources to tell you any stories. Maybe they were alcoholics. There was really no way of knowing.

"I just- I was really happy when I got to come live in the dorm," Junpei continued, once he was sure you weren't going to burst into tears. "It's so much better than living at home. And I know people at school- well, it's really too bad that our dorm isn't, you know, open to other kids."

"It's getting pretty full, anyway," you mused.

"Yeah." Junpei laughed a little. He hadn't touched his soup for several minutes. "It's almost like having a new family."

"Hmm. Would you call us a family?" You thought of Yukari and Junpei calling each other names, and Mitsuru's babysitting Akihiko, and Akihiko's habit of pouting a lot and sneaking out at weird times, and Fuuka's desperate attempts to keep up with everything that was going on.

This conversation occurred, of course, before your so-called family included a robot.

"Well, we fight a lot and stuff. But normal families do that, too."

"I guess I don't really know what 'normal' families are like." It was true. The only friends you'd ever had before SEES were other kids at the orphanage. The women who worked there always told all of you that you were 'like a family,' but you rejected the idea wholesale, because if you'd had any brothers or sisters, they'd be way cooler than the losers you lived with. Your idea of a family, the families you saw in movies and on TV, was so perfect and idyllic that it was fully incongruent with the reality of living with twenty other kids in a cheap orphanage.

It also didn't line up with the realities of daily life at the Iwatodai dorm.

"Well, trust me when I tell you that SEES is way more normal than my family." Junpei poked at his ramen. "Sorry for talking to you about all of this," he said awkwardly. You just shrugged. Listening to people bitch about how bad their lives sucked was part of your job as protector of the human race.

Sure enough, the rest of the team's sob stories came out later.

Mitsuru's mother died under mysterious circumstances. Ok, the circumstances probably weren't mysterious at all, but Mitsuru demonstrably had no living female parent and she never mentioned anything about it, as if she'd just popped into the world as a professionally-styled young woman. Her father was gunned down in front of the entire team, though, so that kinda made up for it.

Ken never knew his dad, who was apparently some kind of wandering deadbeat, and his mom died in a freak accident. A freak accident named Castor. That was a mess you chose not to get involved in. Neither Shinji nor Ken mentioned it to you, and you aggressively did not ask.

Koromaru dragged you to the shrine every night to visit his dead master. Fuuka theorized that he just wanted to show the priest that he was ok. You figured that Koromaru was just a creature of habit- a crotchety old man trapped in a dog's body.

Aigis was a fucking robot.

Shinji and Aki grew up in the same orphanage, but besides that, you knew nothing about their origins. Neither boy ever mentioned how his parents had died, but Akihiko was a font of information on his dead baby sister. He said you reminded him of her. You were unsure of what to do with that information.

"Um," you said, as delicately as you could manage. "I remind you of your four-year-old sister?" Aki seemed to realize how weird that sounded, and he kept his mouth shut.

Yes, everyone was surprisingly open with you about their familial what-the-fuckery. You, however, chose not to reciprocate. It didn't start out as intentional, but the closer you got to your friends, the less you wanted to share with them. Long-dead parents weren't that big a deal compared to Yukari's constant fights with her mom, or Ken's crazy vendetta, right? Besides, you barely remembered them. Even when you tried, which was basically never, you couldn't even begin to picture their faces.

Of course, it all came out in the most melodramatic way possible.

One night, late in the fall, not long after you'd destroyed the last big Shadow, the group went to Tartarus to blow off some steam. Tartarus kept opening itself up, higher and higher, and you and your friends ran upwards with a vicious recklessness, hacking through Shadows and not caring how you would get back down.

"Aren't you tired?" Fuuka asked you, again.

"No," you snapped. "I can keep going." You'd brought Aigis with you, and she wasn't going to tire out. Yukari was hanging back and focusing on healing spells to save energy. Akihiko was disheveled, but alert- you could see him giving you worried glances, and you chose to ignore them.

It was only a matter of time, really, before you hit a wall you couldn't bust through.

You staggered under the blows, but managed to stay in the fight. Fumbling for your Evoker, you pressed it against your temple, not even caring which Persona answered your call, or when.

I have to kill it, you thought dumbly. Kill it with fire.

Blinded by panic and crippled by pain, you didn't even see which Persona burst out of you to loose the Agi spell. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Akihiko and Yukari, both running towards you. Aigis was blasting the Shadow from behind. Its attention stayed fixed on you. Just as Aigis hit it with a finishing blow, it managed to get off one last Bufu spell-

One last Bufu spell that hit you square in the chest.

You slammed backwards into the wall, knocking the back of your head so hard that your vision blacked out. Your Persona was screaming in pain.

Cold cold cold I hate cold it's so cold why cold cold cold

Akihiko reached you just as you crumpled to the ground. The cold was building from the pit of your stomach and spreading through your blood, out to your fingertips and the tip of your nose, and a fog of cold hair burst out of your mouth when you exhaled. You were shaking, violently, but you were so numb you couldn't even feel it. Yukari cast a frantic Dia spell, while Akihiko just grabbed you and pulled you close. He was warm- a warmth that both drew you in and repulsed you.

"She's bleeding," you heard Aki say, as if he were speaking through a curtain. Yukari cast a second Dia spell. The healing made you more alert, but did nothing to stop the pain. You were still unable to see much more than bright lights and foggy shapes.

"What," you whispered. "I can't see." Aki squeezed you tighter.

"You're gonna be ok."

"We need to get her to a hospital," Yukari shouted. She was shouting for Fuuka. "Get Mitsuru-senpai- tell her what happened-"

"I will take her," Aigis stated.

"No you won't," Akihiko snarled. Were you in better shape, you might have told Aki to stop acting like a bitch. Unfortunately, you were shaking too hard to form words, and you didn't much care who said what to whom, as long as you didn't die in the middle of the pissing contest.

You must have blacked out, because suddenly, you were outside of Tartarus. The weight of the Dark Hour had lifted, and you could feel the cool night air. Aki was still nearby. So were the others. You felt mechanical fingers clutching your own- Aigis was holding your hand. The cold was still cycling through you.

Was this how Aki felt when he got hit with a Bufu spell?

You hated the cold, you always had. Aigis squeezed your hand a little tighter than was comfortable. You were reminded of your parents' funeral.

My parents' funeral…

They had died in the winter. Their burial was outdoors. You were only six years old then, and had only the most basic understanding of what was happening. Mommy and Daddy were never coming back, and all that. The night it happened, you stayed at the police station, before being shunted into the first of an infinite number of temporary homes. Your very first foster mother had brought you to see the funeral service. She was a stern, older woman, who'd had dozens of foster kids, and knew better than to let one misbehave. Her grip was painfully tight. A not-so-subtle message- don't make a scene.

You hadn't been back to their graves in a long time. They were buried near Port Island, but you hadn't had a chance to go see them since coming back. Saving the world, and all that. Your parents didn't have any family, or even any friends, at least, not that you could remember. They certainly hadn't left you anything, given that they died young, in an unexpected accident.

It was a miracle you survived, really. When the car swerved into the bridge railing, and those creatures burst out of the ground-

An… accident…?

"She's asking for her mother," someone nearby said. Whoever it was, their voice was full of worry. One of your friends, maybe? "How bad is it?" Apparently, you were back in the present. You tried to open your eyes, but the aggressive white lighting forced them closed again. Your head seared in pain.

"She has a concussion, and heavy bruising. She'll have to stay here for a few days-"

"A few days!"

"I'll make the arrangements." Mitsuru's calm voice made it down to your ears. Something about her was steady, and strong, and you clung to her words as you began to struggle back towards consciousness.

"But, Senpai-"

"We'll come back and see her tomorrow," she said shortly. You wanted desperately to ask them not to leave, but your throat was swollen shut. What you now knew to be bright hospital lights were boring through your eyelids.

"Visiting hours are posted in the lobby." The doctor's voice was cold. The lingering effects of the Bufu you'd been hit with stirred in your gut. You heard your friends leave, and the door slid shut.

You were alone.

Your eyes closed. You were tired, unbearably so, but for whatever reason, sleep wouldn't come. The pain stayed with you, as if to spite you, since all your friends had left. It sat at your bedside, stroking your forehead, in short bursts of agony. The fantasy was strangely comforting. No one had taken care of your injuries, not for as long as you could remember. You leaned towards the fake touch, but were stopped short by what appeared to be a neck brace.

You hadn't even noticed that you'd been forced into one.

Few things were more upsetting to you than being trapped. Inside Tartarus, with the others, you were able to keep it together- but now, now you were alone, in a strange room, with an IV plugged into your arm. You tried to tug it out, only to discover that your arms were strapped down, too.

The panic set in.

You let out a cry and began to struggle, as hard as you could, against the restraints. Sharp daggers shot through your brain, and you didn't care. Just as it had when the Shadow attacked you, your fear prevented you from thinking clearly, or rationally. Any care for self-preservation was lost. It didn't matter if you gave yourself permanent brain damage- all you needed was to get out, now.

The overbearing foster mother was gripping your hand. You wanted to run to your parents, but you couldn't. Snow was falling, and the flakes got caught in your eyelashes, as you tried to cry. Your eyes were frozen. You couldn't summon a single tear, not even for your parents, as they were lowered into the ground.

You cried out again, a scream, followed by dry sobs. This time, the hospital staff heard you, and soon, a noisy crowd of people was rushing into your room. You felt something sharp prick your arm. Heard someone use the word "sedative."

The hospital room faded away. For a long time, everything stayed dark and peaceful, and for that, you were grateful. When you became aware of yourself and your surroundings once again, you were in one of the last places you'd expect.

"The Moonlight Bridge…?" Saying the words out loud didn't make you any less confused. Your body felt heavy. You were lying down on the pavement. Nearby, you could hear screams, and out of the corner of your eye, you spotted the silhouette of a car, flipped upside-down, with its wheels spinning impotently in the air.

You struggled into a more-or-less upright position. Thick blood was pooling everywhere. You recognized the usual signs of the Dark Hour. A full moon hung low in the sky. There were no coffins, but you supposed that no one would be on the Moonlight Bridge this late at night, anyway. Right?

Just as you got onto your feet, you were knocked back onto the ground by a mighty explosion. Your head cracked against the ground, and the wind was forced out of your lungs.

You saw a pair of bright blue, ethereal eyes.

A flash of light-

"Hey- hey, are you all right? Doctor!" You heard panicked voices. Your eyes flew open.

"I'm ok," you gasped, automatically. You were back inside the hospital. More memories came back to you, and you realized you were still in restraints. Using all of your willpower, you managed not to freak out again. Your heart was pounding and your breathing was rough. "I'm ok," you repeated, more forcefully. As your head began to clear, you knew that all you wanted was not to be sedated again.

"Are you sure?" It was Akihiko's voice. Relief spread through you.

"I'm sure. Aki… thanks." You used his nickname. You could hear him smile as he sat back down, even though his concern for you was heavy enough to fill the room.

"How long was I out?"

"Only overnight. Apparently, it's hard to keep you down." You tried to laugh, but it hurt too much.

"Don't do that," Akihiko said sternly. "They're already saying that if you don't calm down, you'll have to stay through the weekend." Even so, he removed the restraints on your arms, so he could hold your hand. You flexed your wrists gratefully. On your side table, you noticed an elaborate bouquet of flowers.

"Thanks for the flowers," you said. Akihiko blushed.

"Those aren't from me." He must have realized how that sounded, because he hurriedly pressed on. "I- I mean, those are from Mitsuru and the others. The rose is from me. While they were shopping, Yukari mentioned they were your favorite, so…" he trailed off, clearly embarrassed. Upon closer inspection, next to the brilliant and formal Kirijo bouquet was a single pink rose, in a vase of its own.

"Thanks for the flower," you corrected, with a tiny smile. "It's really beautiful."

"Yeah, well, you're really beautiful," he said. You raised an eyebrow, and he faltered. "I mean, not right this second. Right now, you look like total shit. But- oh geez, you know what I meant." You nodded, sort of- the best nod you could manage in a neck brace. Akihiko squeezed your hand. For a long while, you stayed like that, quiet and comfortable.

"How far away is Shinjiro-senpai?" you asked. You were correct in assuming that he hadn't magically recovered from his coma during the twelve or so hours that you were unconscious.

"Two doors down."

"You'd better visit him while you're here, too. I don't want him yelling at me for hogging all the attention."

"Tch. He'll be fine." A piece of hair tumbled in front of your eyes, and Akihiko brushed it back out of the way. "You don't have to stay awake just because I'm here, you know," he said softly. "You need your rest. I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want to sleep anymore," you protested. "Weird dreams."

"Oh?" The way he said it indicated that he wanted to know what you'd been dreaming about. You weren't sure what your dreams had meant, yourself, or even if they'd been dreams at all. After all, you'd thought Pharos was a dream, and he'd managed to show up in front of you in broad daylight.

"Do you dream about dead people?" you asked bluntly. Aki blinked in surprise. When he answered, it was a mumble.

"Yes. All the time."

"Have you ever suddenly remembered something you forgot, and now that you remember, you feel like a total idiot for ever forgetting, and it feels like you never forgot it at all?" The question tumbled out of you a little too quickly. Maybe it was the concussion talking, or maybe you were just straight-up bad with words. Aki stayed silent. He might not have understood the question.

"I dreamt about my parents' funeral." You said it quietly. "I haven't thought about their funeral for a long time. They must've died in the fall or the winter, because I remember it being cold, but I don't remember the date. I don't remember- isn't that weird?"

"You were pretty young-" he started, but you cut him off. That was bullshit, and you both knew it.

"You were the same age as me," you argued. "Do you know the day your parents died? Do you know how they died?" Aki's expression darkened. You were being unfair to him, and you didn't care. He tried to speak again. You cut him off again.

"Do you remember the day Miki died?"

Akihiko visibly flinched, as if he'd been slapped.

"You know that I do." You hesitated, an apology at the tip of your tongue, but Akihiko recovered, and so, you pressed on.

"Everyone always told me my parents died in an accident." Your voice was soft, but intense. "I've been telling people my parents died in an accident for as long as I can remember. But the dreams I've been having- I think I was there. I think I saw them die," you breathed. "So- why don't I remember?"

"I know what you're saying, but I don't think you'll be able to figure it out while you have a concussion," he said softly. "Trust me- I've had a lot of concussions." A sharp laugh burst out of you, and you made a mental note to hold that particular line against him later.

"I thought head injuries were supposed to make you forget, not remember."

"Well, you're special."

"But I don't want to be special," you whispered. "I just want to know how my parents died." Your dead parents had been a simple fact of your life for so long, and you'd never thought to question when or why. Now, the questions burned away at your mind and heart, exacerbated by the restraints on your injured body.

"You'll figure it out. I have faith in you."

"Why?"

"Because you're you." Aki didn't have time to elaborate on this rather vague thought before the rest of SEES came bursting into your room. He quickly dropped your hand.

Yeah, you were still secret-dating. Lame, but necessary. You were the leader, after all, and you wouldn't want the rabble to think you were picking favorites. It wasn't like anyone was buying the act, though. Especially Yukari. Nothing got past Yukari.

"You're awake!" Junpei whooped, shoving Akihiko aside to sit next to your bed.

"Give her some space," Mitsuru laughed. She left the room, probably to speak with the doctor. She always had business on her mind.

"Nice rose," Yukari smirked. You had a suspicion she'd name-dropped your favorite flower near Akihiko on purpose. Ok, it was more than a suspicion. Yukari had totally name-dropped your favorite flower near Akihiko on purpose. Nothing got past her.

"I made you some rice balls," Fuuka said. "I figured you could use something that wasn't hospital food." She placed a container of food on the table next to you. You probably weren't going to be able to eat anything, what with the neck brace and your total lack of appetite, but the thought was nice.

"Hi, guys," you said, feebly. You found yourself looking at Aigis, who was lingering at the back of the crowd. Her bright blue eyes were dull, and turned away. Ken was standing apart from everyone else, too. He saw you looking at him, and he offered up a tiny smile.

"Hello," he said. "I'm glad you're feeling better." A tiny blush appeared on his cheeks. "We all are," he added quickly.

The whole group chattered energetically, as if you'd missed the whole world by being absent from school for one day. Honestly, you'd slept voluntarily for longer than you'd been unconscious, on multiple occasions. But the more the group fussed over you, the more you came to realize-

You were as connected to them as they were to you.

They really were your family.

Later on, you'd learn the truth about your parents. That Aigis was there that night, too. That she'd sealed Death inside of you, and with it, your earliest childhood memories. At first, you thought the knowledge would upset you, but instead, you just felt peaceful. Whole. Like one last puzzle piece had been inserted into your soul, showing you the entire picture.

That last puzzle piece had a name, of course- Ryoji Mochizuki.

The night before the final battle, when the world was set to end, you took Koromaru to the shrine. Rather than run and play, like he usually did, he sat quietly by your side. You understood his thoughts- well, as best as a person can understand a dog.

He was at peace.

His old master, his friend, the priest- Koromaru was telling him that everything was going to be all right. The world wasn't going to end. But still, he was settling his doggy affairs, such as they were, just in case. Watching Koromaru, emotions turned inside of you, and you dwelled on your own unfinished business with the dead.

You didn't really know where your parents were buried. It had to be somewhere near Port Island, but that was all you had. Mitsuru probably had that information, with her connections- and, given that your parents had died in a Shadow incident- but you couldn't bring yourself to ask her. You weren't ready to see them face-to-grave, not yet. The shrine would have to do.

"Mom? Dad?" you began hesitantly. You'd never spoken to your dead parents before. The others did, you'd heard them- Yukari communing with her dead father, Ken visiting his mother's grave every weekend. Akihiko, sitting next to Shinji's hospital bed and telling him every boring thing that had happened to him all day. Koromaru leaned against your leg, as if to encourage you.

"Um, hi." That sounded stupid. "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much." Koromaru snorted, as if he thought you sounded like a dork, too. He stayed at your side, though. You pressed on.

"I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know that- I'm gonna be ok. The world's not gonna end." Oh, crap- what if they didn't know about that? "I mean, not that it might! Seriously, don't sweat it." You winced. "Um, so, goodbye, I guess." You looked down at Koromaru, who stared back up at you, his tail wagging. The two of you turned to leave. Everyone was waiting for you back at the dorm. Fuuka had made dinner for everyone, to celebrate what might be your last night on Earth. Before you left, though, you addressed your parents one last time.

"Someday, I'll visit you for real," you said softly. "I promise."

Now, I'm no medical professional, but I'm pretty sure no one would ever give sedatives to someone with a concussion. I mention this because y'all Persona fans are totally going to notice that and call me a lazy writer. Yeah, I'm lazy. I admit it freely. In any case, the scene where FeMC gets beat up and starts hallucinating about her parents was one of the first ones that I wrote.

IN OTHER NEWS: I have an idea for a real Persona fic that's not just an awkward rehash-of-the-game porn vehicle! I'm super excited about this, you guys. Like, OMG.

IN OTHER OTHER NEWS: I'm going to be at both CTcon and Otakon this summer, and I'm working on a Yukari cosplay. Yes, that's right, I LIKE Yukari. So sue me. But seriously, if you're gonna be at either of those too and wanna meet up, PM me. Anything for the fans! :D

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER NEWS: The next chapter's going to be about Ryoji.