A/N: I realized this one took me a while. I was having some writer's block until tumblr track tag Harley Quinn came into my life and made me want to write a lot. Also, I am procrastinating writing my huge Spanish research paper on Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz and the feminist perspective in the Baroque period. LOL EFF. Enjoy, and maybe another chapter will show up soon!

Chapter 15: Trying to Find the Light

Like ships in the night, you keep passing me by

Just wasting time, trying to prove who's right

And if all goes crashing into the sea

If it's just you and me, trying to find the light

Like ships in the night

"Ships in the Night," Mat Kearney

The sun rose the next morning, and I had pretty much gotten no sleep whatsoever. Meanwhile, he laid there like a lump, probably satisfied, that son of a bitch. I couldn't believe he could just say nothing about this, that something that meant so much to me was just an act for him. I know it's the perpetual woman's complaint about men, but I guess we women are not wired to separate sex from emotion. Whatever, that's his prerogative. Obviously I couldn't deny that he wanted this more than anything, to feel loved by me again, but I was still ambivalent.

Don't get me wrong, we had chemistry in the bedroom, but I couldn't help but feel like I had just wanted the attention and not him, exactly. I knew he loved me, but what would we ever make of it? It's not like we would ever get married or have children. God, could you even imagine? Yeah, it sucked because my biological clock was ticking and unless something was going to accidentally happen, it didn't look like it was in the cards for me. Not that I wanted children that much; being a mother was something that scared me half to death, let alone pregnancy. So gross. Having the Joker's children…excuse me while I vomit into my shoes. We'd birth the next Jack the Ripper or something.

I suppose I shouldn't tell him that. He might get a little offended.

"Deep in thought, Princess?" his voice startled me, "You have that faraway look you get when you're thinking really hard about something."

"Don't call me that," I said immediately, out of habit, "And yeah I was until you woke up."

He sighed, and propped himself up on the pillow, "I take it you're regretting what we did? I knew I shouldn't have pushed you when you weren't ready. You can blame me."

"Hey, sex is a two-way street." I shrugged, "I chose to do it. I don't regret it. I was just having thoughts about our future."

"Why are you worried about that? That's later on. I don't believe in planning for the future."

"Yeah, I know," I said wryly, "That's what scares me."

"Babe," he drawled, "Seriously? Why can't you just accept the present? You're always talking about what has passed and what hasn't. You're so preoccupied with what you can't fix."

"Excuse me for having a conscience."

"Is that implying I don't have one?" he smirked.

"I'm also in doubt of the existence of your heart, or whatever is that pumps that black sludge through your veins." I teased.

"Ouch," he made a stabbing motion to his chest, "Right to my non-existent heart."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes, "You're so melodramatic."

He was silent for a moment or two, and finally said, "We belong together, you know."

"What makes you come to that conclusion?"

"You did last night." He started chuckling, and burst out laughing even harder when he saw my blank expression.

"You're disgusting." I said when I realized what he meant, and rolled over, pouting.

He wrapped his arms around me, "Harleen Frances Quinzel, I've known that I loved you for many years now. As much as you try to fight it, you just keep coming back. It means something."

"Well, first of all, it hasn't been 'many years'. Try like 2, bud." I said, sitting up and facing him and counting on my fingers, "Second, I keep coming back because, as sad and horribly depressing it sounds, I have nowhere else to go."

He opened his mouth to say something, but I heard a muffled ringtone from the living room. I immediately jumped up and ran to grab my cell. I looked at the incoming call, and answered, "What's up, Pammy?"

"Girl, you would not believe my life. I'm going to pick you up in 10 minutes and we're going to get breakfast."

I loved how I got no choice in this, "Ok, sounds good. See ya soon."

I hung up and walked back into the bedroom; before I could say anything, the Joker smiled and shook his head, "Let me guess. Pam is in need of her best friend."

"Yeah, she sounded really agitated." I sighed, rummaging through my dresser drawers for a pair of yoga pants and my NYU graduate school sweatshirt, "I need to go back to my penthouse pronto. I miss my clothes."

"Tell Pam to take you."

"Yeah, I might." I got dressed and ran a comb through my wild, tangled clump of hair and promptly and made the executive decision to put it in a ponytail instead.

Before I knew it, my cell buzzed with a text from Pam. I quickly replied and called into the bedroom, "I'll be back later."

"Have fun with the lesbian! Let me know if she tries anything again, because I'll have my video camera ready!"

I ignored him and closed the door behind me. He seemed to think it was hilarious that Pam hit on me once, and liked to make jokes about her being in love with me every chance he got. Which, by the way, I hoped to God wasn't true. Selina seemed to be more her type anyway.

When I got down to the front of our building, Pam barreled out of her car, grinning like a total idiot, "Harley, Harley!"

"Pam, Pam!" I echoed, "What's up?"

"You won't believe it!"

"What?"

"Selina and I are going to get married!" she squealed and shoved her hand in my face. All I could see was one very sparkly rock resting on her ring finger.

"Wow, Pam, oh my god…" I said, completely speechless, "Can you guys even do that?"

"Yeah we can!" she said indignantly.

"Believe me, honey, I am happy for you. Isn't this a little sudden?" I couldn't help but be skeptical of this arrangement, "You guys have only known each other for a couple months."

"When you know, you know." She shrugged, "Don't be a killjoy just because your love life is fucked up beyond all recognition."

"That may be," I decided to let that comment slide, "but I'm only trying to protect you. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Sweetie, Selina won't hurt me." She smiled, "Now get in. I'm starving to death."

We went to our favorite little corner diner and ordered some perfectly greasy waffles, eggs and bacon. We dug in and Pam gushed about the wedding plans, "So we were thinking like late October, around Halloween, what do you think about that? I think that would be really nice, you know, with the fall leaves changing and you know we could maybe wear our costumes – oh wait, maybe we shouldn't wear that, it would attract attention – anyway, I mean we have to find someone who will officiate this considering the situation but I was thinking that, oh yeah, I need to ask you will you be my maid of honor?"

I was so caught up in her speech, and blanked for a second, "Wait, what was the last part?"

"Will you be my maid of honor, you idiot?"

"Oh my god, Pam, of course!" I exclaimed, grasping her hands in excitement, "Oh man, I can't wait to find a wedding dress with you! Can I wear red for my bridesmaid dress? You know it's my favorite color!"

"Well, of course," she laughed, "I'm so glad you're on board with this. I really thought you were going to like freak out on me."

"Yeah, I could have." I admitted, "But seriously, this is your life and if you want to get married, then I am here for you. I have to get past whatever it was holding me back. I don't necessarily like Selina and need time to forgive her, but if you love her, then that's the only thing I need to know."

"That's really mature of you, Harley." She said, her lips trembling as tears came to her eyes, "I was so nervous to tell you because you hate her so much, but I am so in love. I am so happy with her; I can't even articulate it. She wants to make things right between you guys. She said she knows it would mean a lot to me if you guys could at least be amicable."

"I think we could work at it."

"Thank you so much." Pam said, looking relieved, "I need this to work. I just don't want you two to be fighting all the time because it puts a lot of stress on me and you know I don't need that."

"Yeah, I think we're both a bit stressed." I said, "But wedding planning is a good kind of stress. I know from experience."

"Experiences," she corrected.

"Can we not remind Harley how many times she's been engaged and not married? It's really embarrassing." I sighed.

"Maybe the third time is a charm." She smiled.

"You have to be kidding me." I grimaced, "Mr. J and I are never getting married. We can barely stand to be in the same room with each other for more than a couple hours and then we start bickering. I don't think that bodes well for us."

"I suppose that's true." Pam admitted, "So I heard you two finally got back together."

"How do you know that? It just happened last night!"

"He told me."

"Ok, then why don't you two just get married? You guys clearly can communicate better than we can!" I said, aggravated, "What, are the two of you like besties forever now? This is fucking ridiculous!"

"He's a nice guy if you'd just get to know him." She said reproachfully.

"I know him plenty." I snapped, "That's why I wouldn't marry him."

"You know he's in love with you." She said, raising an eyebrow, "Don't you?"

"Are you inadvertently trying to tell me he got a ring?" I could barely hear my voice over the pounding in my ears.

"I don't know. I'm not saying he didn't."

I felt nauseous and it wasn't the food. I stood up and sprinted to the bathroom.

"Harley?" Pam called after me.

I barely made it to the sink before I threw up. Yeah, I know it is a pretty strong reaction to the prospect of marriage, but it was marriage to HIM. I literally could not stand the thought of it.

I heard the door to the bathroom open, and Pam came in behind me, "Oh my god, Harley, are you ok? I knew those waffles didn't taste right…"

"No, that was not it."

"So, you're seriously vomiting over the idea of a ring?" Pam leaned against the tiled wall next to the sink, "Honey, you have some serious issues you need to work out."

"Yeah, but it's…you know." I sighed, "He's not exactly what I pictured as husband material."

"Sweetie, no one ends up with the kind of person they thought they would marry." Pam hoisted herself up on the sink, "I don't know about you, but I don't think when I was 6 years old, I was picturing myself married to a tall, dark woman who dresses up like a cat for a living."

"I would really certainly hope not." I said, looking mortified.

She smiled, "Yet, here I am, and I couldn't be happier with my choice. Yes, Selina and I haven't known each other that long, but we love and care about each other and I think in the end, that is what gets you through a marriage."

"I know, Pam. Seriously, though; look at my past dating relationships – my college boyfriend was getting his doctorate in political science and is probably a governor or senator right now, John was a heart surgeon and got blown away, and then Bruce was a bajillionaire. And here I am, living in a shabby apartment with a clown man. Either I'm just in love or I have dating schizophrenia."

"Is that even a real thing?"

"It could be. Trust me, I'm a psychologist." I said dismissively.

She smirked, and jumped down, "Come on, we can't schmooze around in this bathroom all day. We should just finish our food and get out of here. I promised Selina we'd go to Bergdorf Goodman and start a wedding registry."

"You have got to be kidding me. I'm going to throw up again."

She smacked me in the arm, "Calm down. You can come with us if you want. I might need your discerning eye. I'm only good at finding stuff that's green and sexy."

"Very true," I smiled, "Well, I suppose I could come along for a little while. I think it might be a good opportunity to get better acquainted with Selina."

"Yes, perfect!" I couldn't help but feel warm under her beam; she just looked so pleased that I knew I had to just perk up and put myself back together.

…

We drove to the parking garage near Bergdorf Goodman on Fifth, and when we went inside the lobby, Selina was waiting. True to form, she was dressed impeccably in a long-sleeved black dress with black-and-white heels. Her dark hair was pulled back in a sleek high ponytail. She kind of looked like a skanky version of Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Pam strode ahead of me and hugged Selina, "Hey babe."

Selina kissed her on the cheek, respectful for the public, "Pammy dear, I was already scoping out this patterned china; it would be perfect for the apartment."

"Oh, really? I mean, I already have some but we could always do with more if we plan on having houseguests." Pam smiled.

The two gushed about their wedding registry while I stood a good awkward 3 to 5 feet behind Pam. People were passing by, looking aggravated when they had to walk around us.

"Hey guys?" I asked loudly.

The two, startled out of their own little world, stared at me.

"How about we get a move on?" I shifted uncomfortably, "I just don't want to stand here forever."

"Of course," Selina said, smiling with her teeth, which produced a surprisingly catlike effect, "I already signed us in."

As we weaved through the Saturday afternoon rush crowd, Selina and Pam clinging to each other and me trying to shove people aside to get to them, Selina pointed out a ridiculous plethora of pots, pans, bed sheets and pillowcases and Pam readily agreed to the lot of it. Before I even knew it, it had been two hours and probably over 100,000 dollars in merchandise had been put into the wedding registry system.

Needless to say, they were acting deliriously happy about the whole thing.

"Oh my god, Pammy, I can't believe you wanted to go for those lavender floral print bed sheets; they were so unfortunate! Here I was thinking you only wanted green!" Selina gushed, "I think it would be really beautiful if we had an outdoor wedding, right, because then you could be around nature!"

"Yeah, totally what I was thinking!" Pam squealed, "We are so on the same wavelength! For the reception, we could have some really beautiful black candles as centerpieces for the tables, and maybe some really cute leather stuff too since that's your thing!"

"You know me so well!" Selina grinned.

It made me want to throw up, but I am pretty sure the contents of my stomach were already emptied a few hours ago at breakfast.

"Guys, I'm gonna go home." I announced.

They turned around, looking crestfallen, "Aw, honey, no, we were having so much fun!"

"Um, well, you guys are having fun, and I feel like I'm intruding." I said, "I think I should be spending time with him, you know, and I'm sure you guys want to spend more time worrying about the wedding."

"Well, let me at least take you home." Pam offered.

"Are you sure?" I asked, "I don't want you to take time out of your busy day."

"Not at all, don't even worry about it," she turned to Selina, "How about you go to Macy's and wait there for me until I get back?"

"Sure, that's fine," Selina smiled, and kissed Pam on the cheek, "Text me when you're parking."

"Will do, babe." She said, and we exited.

As we crossed the street, Pam was running off at the mouth, "I'm so glad we did this, Harley! Everything is going so well, and you and Selina may have gotten off on the wrong foot but now it's totally going to get better, I promise. You being in this wedding is such a huge deal to me, and I can't wait to start picking out a wedding dress and your bridesmaid dress too! Oh man, it's going to be so AWESOME!"

I mainly inserted 'yeah', 'totally', and 'right' after every few syllables to let her know that I hadn't blown my brains out.

We got to the car, and drove away toward the apartment.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Pam asked after we sat there in awkward silence, "You seem a little off today."

"Well, I'm just not sure why you had to bring me along when all you did was talk to Selina." I did my best to sound like I wasn't pouting, "I'm still trying to deal with the fact that you're actually marrying a woman you've been with for like 2 months. I don't think I can commit that soon."

"Well, I don't think that you're ever going to commit to anyone, to be honest." Pam said good-naturedly, "And I understand why you're upset. I know I kind of just sprang this on you and it's a lot to process and I know marriage isn't exactly your favorite thing ever, but I really care about her and I want to be with her. If you can believe it in your skeptical little head, marriage can actually work."

"Hey, my parents' marriage was good…until the Joker, you know, blew them up in a fit of jealous rage." I grimaced.

"Yeah, I keep forgetting that happened, sorry."

"What a good friend you are." I rolled my eyes, "Bitch."

"You know what I mean." Pam flushed, "But seriously, I know your previous engagements ended in a rather…horrible…ways, but don't think that's the end of love for you. You still have another person to love you."

"Don't get all Sex and the City philosophical on me now."

"Come on, sweetie, you need to stop worrying about the past and just focus on what you have right now and make the best of it." Pam pulled up to the apartment, "Ok, now go in there and give that man a chance, damn it. You drive me crazy."

"I hate your guts, bitch." I said, getting out of the car.

"Call me later, skank."

I waved as her green Porsche squealed away down the street. The clanking, dripping stairs seemed even harder to walk up today for some reason. Maybe it was my lack of sleep or my frustration at how this morning seemed to go, but when I arrived at the door, I felt weak.

I dug in my purse for my keys, and was a little surprised to find that the door was already unlocked. I opened the door, "Hey, Mr. J, you wouldn't believe –"

I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw him standing there with a gun to Bane's head.