A/N: Yeah, well, I did something sort of unexpected in this chapter. I just keep putting Harley through the mill and she keeps bouncing back. I am a masochistic author and can't keep her happy for long. It makes it entertaining for everyone. Enjoy!

Chapter 17: That Girl's Not Right in the Brain

Well I'm asking you

Cause she's got nothing to say

The angels just cut out her tongue

Call her black Mariah, would I lie to you?

That girl's not right in the brain

"Hang 'em High," My Chemical Romance

To spare you the little details about the months leading up to Pam and Selina's wedding, I will start at the week before, which came to be known as Hell Week, or the week Harley had to schlep everything but the kitchen sink around with her getting ready for Pam's wedding. The soiree was going to be taking place in Central Park and the cocktail hour at the Plaza Hotel. I had to give it to Pam; even though she and Selina were known hardened criminals, they still had to have their wedding in the most public venue as humanly possible.

This particular afternoon, Pam was striding in a fast pace down 7th avenue, me trying to juggle a hot latte and Pam's ever-growing amount of shopping bags.

"Ok, so we confirmed with the florist," she was saying as I held out my maid of honor checklist.

"Check," I replied.

"We confirmed with the caterers, and you told them red wine, not white? You know Selina hates anything white."

"Yes and yes."

"You are picking up your dress at the bridal salon Thursday with me, right?"

"Indeed I am." I said, "And you have your final fitting Wednesday at 10 AM, remember."

"GOD THAT'S TOMORROW?" She stopped dead in her tracks, "Jesus Christ, fuck me!"

A couple of elderly ladies passing by stared at us in horror and walked away as quickly as their elderly legs could.

"Now you're terrifying old people. Congratulations." I couldn't help but chuckle, "And yeah, I texted you last night about it because they called me to confirm the appointments. Where are you going to be at 10 AM tomorrow?"

"That's when I scheduled the meeting with the bakery for the cake and desserts! I was supposed to go with Selina!" Pam threw her hands up in the air in frustration, "FUCK MY LIFE I AM SO STUPID!"

"Come on, Pam, you're just overbooked. I would suggest I just try on your wedding dress, but unfortunately you are much bustier and hippier than I am."

"Now you're calling me fat? You are the worst maid of honor ever!" she began sobbing.

This tended to happen spontaneously over the course of the last weeks. Pam was never one who cried; she only cried when it was utterly unnecessary to cry, like she was doing right now.

"Pam, you know you're beautiful. You know I'd fuck you, girl." I said, patting her on the shoulder.

A couple of guido-looking men stopped in front of us, and grinned lasciviously.

"Keep moving, you creeps!" Pam snapped.

"Yeah, fuck off!" I chimed.

"Man, we're never going to get in a foursome." One of the dudes muttered to the other as they walked away.

"Does everyone think I am a lesbian?" Pam howled, crying more.

I handed her a Kleenex, "Well, dear, you obviously are. You are marrying a woman in a week."

"Selina is the man in this relationship." She sniffled.

"Really?" I paused for a moment, "I guess I never really thought about it."

"Well, she's always on top…"

"WOAH NO, NO, NO!" I held up my fingers like the sign of the cross, "Don't need to hear about that at all, please."

"Alright, sorry," Pam sighed, "I can't help but be stressed. I thought planning a wedding would be much easier."

"I've done it twice. You always think it is going to be easier than what it turns out to be." I said sagely, "Now, let's keep moving. We're not going to get things done by standing here crying about it. Come along."

I looped my arm loosely through hers, and we walked down the street, keeping our chatting to more amiable things. I almost didn't notice my cell ringing in my purse.

"Oh, fudge!" I scrambled to find it in my purse, and picked it up without looking at the caller ID, "What's up?"

"Harley?"

I almost dropped the phone as I recognized the voice. I hadn't heard that voice in months, and probably hadn't planned on hearing it ever again. It was Bruce.

"Give me one good reason not to hang up right now." I snapped. Pam glanced over at me quizzically and I just shook my head in annoyance, mouthing 'it's Bruce'. She raised her eyebrows.

"I need to talk to you." He was saying.

"I don't think that's good enough."

"You haven't hung up on me, have you?" I could almost see him smirking on the other end, which infuriated me.

"I guess you've got me there." I admitted, "Seriously, though, I'm super busy right now planning for Pam's wedding so I can't really talk."

"Yeah, I know they're getting married. They invited me."

"Hold on," I said, turning on Pam with a glare like venom, hissing, "You invited him to the wedding without asking me?"

"Selina wanted him there. What was I going to do?" Pam shrugged.

"We'll talk later." I said dismissively, and got back on the phone with Bruce, "Sorry, just had to kill Pam. Are you planning on going?"

"Well, that was what I wanted to ask you. Is it ok if I go? If it isn't, I'm not going to come. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"God, Bruce, I don't fucking know." I sighed. Was this seriously happening to me? I swear my life is like a soap opera, "It's up to you, I guess. If you really want to come, I'm not going to stop you. You need to live your life without worrying about me."

"Is he going to be there?"

"No, he isn't. He can't risk being out in public. Either that or he is just making an excuse not to come." I replied, "So, no, you won't run into him."

"I figured he wouldn't. I would kind of have had no choice but to beat the crap out of him. Well, that's all I wanted to know. Are you going to at least acknowledge me if I come?"

"Yeah, I guess. I really think we're past all that drama. We need to be adults about it. Never mind the weirdness that you are going to the wedding of the girl you cheated on me with and in which my best friend is marrying and I am the maid of honor. Such is my pathetic life." I had to smile a little at the ridiculousness of it all, "I guess I will see you there, then."

"Thanks, Harley; I really, really appreciate it. Tell Pam I will be there."

"I will. See you later." I said.

"Ok, bye, Harley."

We hung up. I calmly put my phone back in my purse, and glanced at Pam. She was trying very hard to avoid eye contact with me.

"You have got to be kidding me." I said loudly to get her attention.

"I'm sorry, babe, Selina wanted to invite him! I didn't know what to do!" Pam groaned, "You know how she is! She wouldn't take no for an answer. I told her you didn't want him there but I figured since Mr. J wasn't going to show up that you would be a little more ok with it."

"Well, I'm not saying that I'm that upset about it, but I don't exactly prefer to be talking to him. He sort of took my heart and stomped the ever-loving shit out of it." I said wryly, "I guess I need to face it sooner or later. It's been long enough."

"Yes, exactly," Pam said, nodding vehemently, "You've been mourning it for a while and I know it's hard to come face-to-face with lost love, but you know you were going to run into him. It was inevitable. I know you and the man have been staying low lately to avoid it, but you can't keep holding yourselves back because of it."

"I just don't know what to tell Mr. J. Should I tell him he'll be there? He won't let me go, then. I just hate lying to him now. Before it wasn't that big of a deal, but now that we're actually getting along, it seems like a shitty thing to do." I massaged my throbbing temples, "I'm getting a headache just trying to deal with all of this."

Pam put her arm around my shoulder, "Harley, I think in this case you're just going to have to lie to him. You're my maid of honor. You have to be at my wedding. Sometimes lying is the only way to keep things status quo. I won't tell him and neither will Selina, I promise."

"Thanks," I said, "But, I just want to know why Selina wanted to invite him. Did she want to piss me off?"

"Well, she did invite Bruce Wayne, not Batman, you know. It's a whole different thing. Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne know each other, but Catwoman and Batman don't. It makes sense for her to invite him as himself." Pam and I stopped at the coffee shop to refuel.

"I guess that sort of makes sense in a very, very strange way." I affirmed.

We ordered our coffees and then sat down, setting our multitude of bags at our feet.

"Remember, we are marrying as Pamela Isley and Selina Kyle, not as Poison Ivy and Catwoman." Pam said, sipping her coffee, and grimacing, "Damn it, it's always too hot. I just want you to know that, Harley. We don't consider ourselves as our alter egos. We are who we were born as in our wedding. You need to separate those two identities in your mind."

"I guess I just didn't consider it. It's hard to do that, though, when you live your life as two people. I suppose in a way I always think of myself as being Harley Quinn, not Dr. Quinzel anymore. I haven't been her in a long time." I cradled my coffee in my hands.

"I know. I go through the same thing every day. I know how that feels. Just keep that in your mind when you see him. He's coming as Bruce Wayne. That is who we want at our wedding. Believe me, I was totally shocked that Lina suggested it, but I can't really tell her that what not do on her wedding day. It's her day, too, and I have to respect that. We fought about it for a while, but she ended up winning." Pam shrugged, "She's very persuasive. You have time to prepare yourself for it, and you just need to your mind busy as the day approaches. You know we both will be."

"Pam, why are you good at making me feel better? You should be my therapist." I marveled.

"I have been since I met you." She grinned.

…

I went home feeling in better spirits than before, even though I was nervous about him finding out that Bruce would be at the wedding. Somehow I just knew that he was going to figure it out because I have the worst poker face humanly possible. As I climbed the stairs to the apartment, I finally decided that I was not going to tell him. It seemed like a terrible idea. I really didn't want him to say that I couldn't go to Pam's wedding; because Pam would freak the fuck out if I couldn't, considering the hysterical bridezilla she had become.

When I went into the apartment, he wasn't home; I could tell by the complete silence that accompanied my entrance. It smelled faintly of smoke in there. The Joker only smoked for two reasons: post-coital and stress. And since we didn't have sex this morning, it meant he was stressed about something. I immediately felt my heart race a little, hoping he wasn't going to psycho on Bruce. I knew I had to check.

I pulled out my cell, and called Bruce, waiting impatiently for him to answer. He picked up after a couple rings, "Wayne Enterprises, Bruce Wayne speaking."

"Bruce, you're alive!" I cried in relief.

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" he inquired.

"I was just freaking out because I thought he found out about you coming to the wedding. He isn't here right now and that never bodes well." I plopped down on the couch ungracefully, "Fuck, I am a huge mess."

He laughed, "I can see that. And I thought I was the one that was more depressed over our breakup. Ask Alfred; I didn't leave my room for days."

"Don't try to make me pity you, please." I rolled my eyes, "While I have you on the phone, I wanted to make sure that you knew that Bane showed up here."

"Jesus, what did he do?" Bruce sounded concerned.

"Nothing; he just wanted to apologize for kidnapping me, I guess." I couldn't believe how nonchalant I sounded saying that. I am becoming desensitized to all violence, I swear.

"Oh well, I'm glad he didn't do something violent. He was really pissed that we didn't end up being related."

"Well, obviously," I said, "It meant a lot to him to have a family."

"Um, I prefer that psychopath not be my brother. You do not want to cross him when he's off his meds. I don't think I would want to be responsible for that."

"I see your point." I bit my lip, "That would kind of suck for you. How did he react when they told him?"

"He started screaming and almost throttled the doctor. I had to pry him away before they called the cops. I brought him home and just told him that I didn't have any reason to talk to him anymore and he should just move on with his life. He responded by breaking my leg."

"He what?" I sat up in shock, "Oh my God, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm still wearing a brace. I haven't been able to get out and fight, which is driving me insane. Alfred won't let me out of his sight except when I go to work. He takes me to work every single day at 8 AM and he's here every single day at 5 PM waiting in the town car to make sure I come home. It's aggravating, but he has the best of intentions at heart."

"Aw, you poor thing," I chuckled. Ok, wait, what the hell am I doing, talking to Bruce like we're best friends? This was a really, really bad idea.

"Uh, look Bruce, I need to go. I probably shouldn't have called anyway, but I just wanted to make sure you weren't dead." I said awkwardly, "I'll talk to you later, bye."

He started to say something but I hung up before he could get a word in edgewise.

I'm stupid. I'm really fucking stupid. I can't believe I just called Bruce instead of the Joker. That was a stupid move. I blame Pam for this. I wouldn't have had to talk to Bruce if Pam would just stand up to her fiancé. I still hated Selina with blind rage, but I had to pretend that I gave a shit about her for Pam's sake. Dumb bitch.

I knew I had to get my shit together. I erased my phone history; the Joker tended to check it from time to time. As I was trying to go through my contacts to call Pam, Bruce texted me, 'Way to hang up on me.'

I stared at it for a moment, unsure of what to do. I finally replied, 'Sorry I really can't talk to you. He'll be home soon and I can't risk it. I'll talk to you at the wedding.'

After a couple minutes, he finally responded, 'Fine.'

I knew he was pissed at me, but really, why should I care? He was the one who cheated on me. He was trying to make me feel bad, that ass-hole. Why should I feel bad for him? I knew I had to pretend that I liked him for a day and pretend that he and Pam's future wife did not sleep together behind my back. It was a little difficult, if you must know.

Right now, all I could do was just ignore everything that had just happened and push it deep down inside. I am really healthy, I know.