I don't know what order I'm going to post these letters in, I'm writing this one second, but that doesn't mean it will be the second to go up. This is the first time I've ever done this, written out of chronological order. Not that there really is an order to these.

Dear Finn,

There are reasons why you should be on my list, and there are reasons you shouldn't. Before I say anything else, I want you to know one thing. I am not here because you were a bad boyfriend. I was in the grip of this before we began to date, long before, if I am honest with myself. The insecurities have always been there, right from when I was a child and a class mate of mine told me I didn't have a mom because she didn't want me. She was right, as it turned out, but that's not what this letter is about. What this letter is about is the role you played in me winding up at the bottom of this mountain, as Jules likes to call it.

Most part in your story, actually, comes before we were even dating. The first thing I want you to remember is our first kiss. For me, it was my first kiss ever, and I had dreamed about that moment so many times. It was supposed to be so perfect, because when you reach the age of fifteen and you have not had your first kiss, it becomes something you save and wait for, something that should mark a moment in your life.

Do you remember our first kiss, Finn? It was in the auditorium, on a picnic blanket. The few seconds that it did last were some I have relived over and over in my mind, even once we began dating and I could kiss you whenever I pleased. But it didn't last long, did it? After just moments, you broke it off. It was not that which hurt, I understood why you had to stop, you had a girlfriend. What I did not, and still do not, understand, was why you had to look so disgusted.

I saw the look on your face, I felt the way you jerked away from me. It was not the apologetic movement of somebody who had just made a mistake, it was the recoil of someone who was disgusted with what they had done. I know you did not really love Quinn, not even then. I had seen the way you looked at her, the way you two interacted together, and it was more a show than anything else. You were together because it was expected of you, combined with schoolboy lust. And if it was not Quinn that made you run away from me as you did, I knew it must have been me.

You're a guy, and you probably had your first kiss when you were in elementary school, so you cannot understand how important it was for me, how perfect I wanted it to be. It could have been. It would have been had you not ran as you did. I would not have even minded so much if you had gently pulled away and reminded us both you had a girlfriend. I understand you had to stay with Quinn, as you understood the situation at the time, she was pregnant with your baby.

But you did not do that. You didn't leave me sad, but admiring your commitment and loyalty. You left me lying there on that picnic blanket, feeling as if you had stolen that one perfect moment from me and turned it into something nasty. You left me feeling like I was nothing compared to her, like you couldn't believe you had jeopardised your relationship for the likes of me. That was the first time I felt truly disgusting.

The second reason you are reading this letter today, probably wishing you could take everything back and start all over again, is perhaps something I should keep to myself. I am sure it is not something you did on purpose, at the time, you were trying to be nice to me, so I am sorry for referring to this moment, but I feel above anything, these are the ones that are most vital that I highlight, because these are the moments you do not realise you are hurting me and in the end, it is these that can be the most damaging of all.

The moment I am speaking of is in the doctor's office when I had tonsillitis. I was scared I would never sing again, and I voiced aloud my fears on what I would be without my ability to sing. You told me to stop thinking like that, that there were loads of awesome things about me. I was hopeful then, I dared to think maybe I was more than my voice, but when I asked you 'like what?' you couldn't answer me. You couldn't think of anything. Not one thing.

Then of course there was the bowling fiasco. I really thought you liked me then. No one had ever done anything like that for me and I began to feel like maybe I was something in your eyes. But as it turned out,the only thing I was to you was a ticket out of Lima. Once again, I was nothing but my voice. That was the day I got my second kiss. Again from you, and you did manage to not look quite so disgusted that time, so good on you for that; but it was still meaningless to you.

At last I thought I had you when you broke up with Quinn. You had sent me enough signals for my to believe we would be dating did you not have Quinn, but when you lost her, we didn't happen. I thought we had, for a time. I am not criticising you here Finn, in a way, I admire you for finally being honest with me. After months of thinking it and coming up with any other reason to be away from me, you finally told me the truth. That I was not good enough. I brought you down, I wasn't as pretty as the other girls and people would judge you for dating me.

Maybe those were not your exact words, but they were the ones I heard. Even now Finn, I cannot shake the voice of your inner rock star telling me I am not good enough. Even now, I question whether I should really be with you, because we are so apart in social status. You are so concerned with your popularity that I wonder if sometimes, the thought crosses your mind too.

There is on more incident I want to bring to your attention, and this one, I know I deserved, but I still wish you had acted differently. Do you remember the day you got kicked off the football team? As my usual, selfish self, I was pleased about the news; but let me explain what I didn't then. It meant I was the only thing that would make you happy, it meant, that maybe, you would want me and I would no longer have to worry about you realising how much better you could do than me.

I wish I had not been so openly happy about it now, as all it did was drive you away, or at least I wish I could have explained. But I did try, I told you I wouldn't have to worry about you running off with some hot cheerleader. Still, what I wanted to draw to your attention was what happened next, and that was for Santana and Brittany to chose that moment to walk past and make some snide comments about my fashion sense and talent.

It was not that I much minded, I am used to them, it was your reaction that really hurt me Finn. You did not only not defend me, but you laughed. You laughed and then you agreed with them. You told me right there and then that they had a point. I thought you were different Finn, you had told me enough times that you like the way I dress, that it suits me, but after that day I doubted the truth of those words, and doubting that made me doubt everything else you had ever said to me, every time you had called me beautiful.

I know you do not do it on purpose, maybe it is even unconscious, you do not realise what you are doing, but you never let me kiss you in the halls. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made out in school, and one of those, there was no one around but us. I am not a fan of public displays of affection, but I cannot help but remember how you wore Quinn so proudly on your arm, and whereas I have no interest in being a trophy, I wish you would be as proud to call me your girl.

I don't want you to take this letter as me criticising your skills as a boyfriend, that is not what I am doing. When we're alone, you're perfect to me, and sometimes I wonder why I am doing this to myself, why I need to lose any weight, or be anything more than what I am, because you love me as I am. But I want you to love me always, not just when we are alone and no one else has to know it. I want you to be proud.

And then there was Santana. You knew she had to come up at some point. I want you to know I have forgiven you. We weren't even going out at the time, so I suppose I hold no right to a grudge, I just wish you had told me. If you had told me, it would have still hurt, but I would have been past it much more quickly, and then maybe you wouldn't have called her super hot. I hear those words whenever I force myself to do ten more push ups, or another kilometre of running. I hear you calling her that over and over in my head to remind myself why I am doing it, because I hope that one day, that's what you will see in me too.

I'm sorry you have to read this, but I am even more sorry I had to write it. I do not want to highlight your every mistake to you, because I know better than anyone that nobody is perfect, and I am not expecting you to be. I should learn to have the same expectations of myself, but until I am good enough, I will not accept me. I just always thought you would. I thought that's what love was, someone accepting everything about you and being damn proud of every imperfection. It's not your fault though. Even my own mother cannot be proud to have me.

I do love you though, Finn, I love what we have and I don't want to lose you. Despite everything, you are the only one who has ever told me you love me. Well, I suppose my dads did once, when I was younger, but now it's something if I manage to see them within the month. They barely have time to check I'm still alive. You are the only person to ever make me feel wanted, and it is not your fault I am here. It's a collection of many words and many actions, each pushing me further towards the point I decided I needed to change.

By the time you did finally tell me you love me though, it was too late. I was already recording everything I ate, I already had a strict exercise plan that I was following daily, and I already had a target weight of eighty five pounds. I already felt as if I was not good enough, not just for others but for me as well. You may have been able to change that, had I known what I meant to you from the start, even Jesse was enough to hold it off.

But what is done is done, and no amount of dwelling and guilt is going to change that. I just want you to be here, now. I want you to climb with me over the mountain because I can think of no one I would rather have with me to share the spectacular view from the peak.

Forever yours,

Rachel.