I swear I don't actually hate Ivy. *shifty look*. No, really.
He's delivering an unprepared speech to a silent, invisible audience, hidden away in the shadows of their rehearsal room. It's scattered all over his notebook anyway, crossed out lines re-written because it all sounds like he's trying too hard, or like he's avoiding life, or a million other things that would make him look a fool. He keeps considering giving up, taking the easy way out and just letting Matt do it, but he reckons he's enough of a disappointment to his parents anyway, or will be once they find out. Maybe this is what Nadia feels like after every conversation with their mother.
The opening is the worst, because if he messes that up, it won't matter what else he says, just like it won't matter what he does, who he is, once his parents find out about Peter.
"I need to talk to you," Ivy says, striding in like a deadly wolf springing out of its hiding place, and Jason suppresses a groan, because lately it feels like his entire life is an endless loop of not wanting to talk to Ivy and being forced to. Everyone would be happier if she just talked to Matt instead.
"Look, Ivy, nothing's changed. I'll say it just one more time: I'm sorry I don't feel the same, but whatever we had for that moment, it's gone. Leave things at that and just move on. Preferably to Matt because then he wouldn't mope around so much, but it's your life." Stop bothering me is what he really means, but their parents had their nanny raise him to be polite.
Ivy pulls at his arm, and Jason lets himself be turned around. Her fingers feel clammy against his bare skin, painted fingernails digging in as if the prospect of blood is an offering.
"We weren't safe that night." she says quietly, eyes darting around the empty room as if she's searching for something, "I'm pregnant." What the hell?
For a minute Jason just stands there in shock, then bursts out laughing. "Good joke," he says, even though it isn't. "I appreciate the distraction, but I really do need to finish this tonight. So if you don't mind," he turns back to his notes and squints. It would be easier to just practice with Peter.
Ivy scowls, lingering shadows making her look like she has a monobrow. "This isn't something to joke about, Jason."
"We didn't even have sex, Ivy." Is that an e or an o?
"So now you're denying everything?" she asks, face open and contorted like she's about to cry. "You know, I never took you for such a coward." Seriously, how is this his life?
"He's already in love with a boy," says someone from the shadows, stepping out into a scene Jason wants no part in; and it's Matt, of course it's Matt, it always is, and Jason hadn't even seen him come in, but he's the last person he wants to see, except his parents and Zack, because no matter what Matt always ends up with both feet planted firmly on Ivy's side.
Peter and Nadia walk in then, talking quietly, his sister smiling like he hadn't seen her do for so long, and he lets out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, because when they're there, his two favourite people, it always seems alright.
"Are we late?" Peter looks around frowning, because for all that he could be awfully naïve at times, he could usually read people fairly well. "What's going on?"
"Ivy's pregnant and your boyfriend's the dad," Matt hisses out, the sound sharp and bitter in the dark room. "So what does that make you?" Jason feels a sharp pain in his arm, looks down at Nadia to find her mouthing something he can't hear.
"She's what?" Peter spits out, face ashen, looking between them, Matt and Ivy and him, eyes flickering like damaged lightbulbs before finally settling on Jason again, the question clear in his eyes.
Jason just shakes his head pathetically, not sure who he's replying to, as long as they both believe him. It's not enough, but his throat aches, and he's horribly afraid that if he opens it, all the words would just come gushing out in an endless stream; I love you and I hate you and I wish I could change this and sometimes I want to claw my bloody heart out and I just want this to end and if you're a sinner does it really matter if you die?
"Get the fuck out of here, Matt," he says, too tired to be effective. Peter is avoiding his eyes, staring fixedly at the flimsy, worn carpet like it holds all of God's secrets and hides all of Jason's mistakes.
Matt shrugs, diligently at Ivy's side as always, for once not shaken off. "Look, I'm not here to judge, just keep everyone on the same page. I don't give a damn about whatever you and Peter have, but you should at least have had the decency not to cheat on him with Ivy and let her think you actually liked her."
"I kissed her," Jason says, the words feeling like an admission of guilt in his mouth, too honest and raw to feel comfortable, and he sees Peter flinch in the corner of his eye. "That's it. I didn't sleep with her. I swear." He looks around, but Peter isn't there anymore, and for a minute he feels like he's gone blind, because it seems like Peter's always been there, even when Jason didn't want him to be, but maybe this is what it feels like when your life falls apart.
"So now I'm the second Virgin Mary!" Ivy mocks, looking through dark mascara-ed eyelashes with disturbingly triumphant eyes.
"No one would ever call you a virgin." Nadia retorts, then adds, calmer "If my brother says he didn't sleep with you then I believe him. God knows how many times you've lied."
"That's not fair. I know you don't like each other, but he's hardly a saint." Matt defends.
Jason feels movement by his side, that kind of static electricity he always feels near Peter, and can't hide how relieved he feels, especially when Peter says "He's not a liar either," like its so obvious he can't believe he has to say it at all, and there's something in the firm set of his face that says he'll defend Jason till the end. Even more than Nadia's defense, that's what reassures Jason, who reaches out to grasp Peter's hand in his.
Ivy stares at their joint hands, and stays silent. Nadia shoots him a proud smile before asking, "How are you even involved in this?"
"I'm supporting her, which is hell of a lot more than you're doing. Would you like someone to just screw you around like that?" says Matt,
"In case you haven't noticed, you're the only one who believes her." Nadia points out, and for a second Jason just wants to laugh madly, because it feels like his life is falling apart and his sister is still being coolly logical.
"And you're the only one who believes him." Matt answers, brushing his fringe from his eyes in a way that's meant to be nonchalant.
"I do," Peter says, and his voice shakes on the second syllable, but he squeezes Jason's hand anyway, hard enough for the pressure to hurt.
Matt just rolls his eyes. "Yeah, because you want to. How can you seriously believe Ivy would lie about something like this? How many times did Jason lie about the two of you? Best friends." He spits the two words out like a curse, damning them all to Hell.
"He didn't say anything about it," Nadia counters.
"Lie of omission." Matt says, and it's moments like these that Jason remembers that Matt wants to become a lawyer.
"My mother would love you," says Nadia with an undertone of jaded wistfulness in her voice, and Matt looks sheepishly proud in a way that makes Jason at once want to hate him and run away with Peter, because he feels like he's facing a reflection which doesn't understand nor empathize.
"Bet she'd prefer to have him as a child than you," Ivy interrupts suddenly, and Jason has to remind himself that if he hit her she'd cry rape or assault, and it really wouldn't help him at all, but it's still hard, because that's his sister, and she's being so brilliant about all of this.
"Leave her alone," he says instead, his voice sounding rusty from choked-down tears, and he feels like falling apart, following the pattern of his life.
He'd never thought God could hate one person so much.
"What, and if you had your way I'd never talk to you again?" Ivy asks, sounding almost injured, and even though he knows it must be an act, he still nearly steps back in shock. Matt lays one hand on Ivy's shoulder reassuringly.
Peter would just pity Matt for being taken in so easily. Peter's always been nicer than Jason.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he asks, voice echoing around the room. The others are silent.
"Just because I'm telling the truth, you mean?" Ivy asks, and God, how had he not known how good of a liar she was earlier, how malicious. He thinks of all the times he'd defended her to Nadia in her absence and feels sick, although absurdly grateful that he isn't hearing any I-told-you-so's. He's not sure he could stand it, at the moment. Already he feels like collapsing and never getting up again.
"You're not," Jason chokes out. "You can't be."
Her gaze is contemptuous, the smirk grotesque like a deformed gargoyle on an elegant door. "You don't even know what you're saying anymore, do you?"
"Just get out of here!" Nadia shouts at her, "Or I swear-"
"Fine," Ivy shrugs, graceful like a cat and sweeps out. Matt just stands there, looking at them all like they're puzzles he can't fit together, before turning to follow her.
"Shit," Jason breathes out, knees colliding with the hard floor with a sharp clang and a pain that shoots up his thighs. He hears Peter crouch down beside him and pull him close. It feels like they're trying too hard.
"We should probably go to your room," Nadia says, uncharacteristically quiet. "We're not going to get any practice done."