AN: Thanks for all who reviewed. I took into consideration one person's review that they thought Mac would have been angrier about the whole situation, and I feel like I took care of that here a bit. Also, someone made me away that my ZULU times were off. Stupid internet told me the wrong thing when I looked it up the first time. Hopefully, this is a bit better… I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but for once in my life I want Harm and Mac to take things slow, build up to everything, and see where it goes from here. It isn't going to follow the same timeline of the show for the most part though, but will still have some of the same stuff. Anyways, read, review, and ENJOY!

Unknown Time

Unknown Location

My gut feeling said that if this man survived, he would go after Mac. He would finish what he never got to start in that shack in Paraguay. He needed to be taken care of.

The mission was to fly into this remote area, take the small camp much like Gunny and I did before, and get Sadik. Intelligence said that he had moved his location, and all pointed to this small villa in a place that surely wasn't on any map, but close enough to a dirt runway to help us do some damage.

An hour into the mission we found out that Sadik was not here, and after several hours in interrogation finding out that he never was. Intelligence was wrong. He was still on the loose. His unfinished business was probably going into the small JAG kitchen for her fourth cup of coffee this morning. It left me unsettled in a way that I never felt before.

0822 ZULU

Mac's Apartment

Next Day

I'm sitting outside her apartment thinking about the mission I just came home from, thinking about the failure. I would be lying to myself and to her if I said that part of my staying in the CIA had nothing to do with trying to capture the man that took her and Clayton Webb. If I couldn't kill the bastard while working for the Navy, I could certainly do it while working for the CIA. Webb put me on this last mission because he knew that whatever spirit in me would turn dark the second I saw the man that would have tortured Mac to death. If Mac knew that I had gone out there with that in mind, she would probably kill Clayton Webb… and me for that matter.

I don't know why I'm hesitating going up there, but something is stopping me. Ever since we were told that Sadik hadn't ever been where the CIA thought he was the whole time, I was worried. She called me about every third day, so I knew that she was alright. I worried that one time when I came home she would be gone. Was that today? Did he know that we were there trying to find him? Did he know that it would be the perfect time to finish her off?

Shaking my head at the thought, I climbed out of my Lexus and made my way up the stairs of her building. I put my key in the deadbolt and it turned easily, which for some reason surprised me. A small part of me thought that after my last visit she might have changed the locks despite what she said.

She's sleeping peacefully when I walk in and sit down on the chair across from her. I told her in Paraguay that I had forgotten how beautiful she was… it was a lie. I could never forget how beautiful Mac was. It was just a way to tell her she was beautiful that I thought wouldn't get me slapped by the Marine.

I could never forget the way her hair curled slightly at the ends if she left it untamed or the humidity got to it. I could never forget the sight of the dark brown eyes I dreamed of before falling asleep at night. I could never forget the way her curves appeared so slight under her uniform, as if trying to hide the beautiful women beneath. She was gorgeous and either had no idea of the fact or hated it herself.

On one of our many Webb missions I remember her frustration at him knowing her size and buying a dress for her to attend a party at the Sudanese Embassy in hopes of getting information. I asked Clayton Webb how I was supposed to distract the men away from the office when Sarah MacKenzie appeared in the admiral's door dressed in some blue number… I didn't have to ask how the men would be distracted. She could distract any warm blooded male just by walking in the room.

"You said you would wake me next time…" I hear her say, sitting up in bed.

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking about something."

"Your last mission?" she asks, and I hesitate to tell her what it was about.

"A little bit, but mostly about you."

"Harm." She says sounding more cross than happy to see me.

"You asked me what I was thinking about Mac, and I was thinking about you."

"This isn't going to work, you know?"

"Yeah…" I say, slumping my shoulders and completely not expecting what comes next.

"Damn you Harmon Rabb! Why are you even here?"

"I told you why I came when I was here last time."

"No, you didn't tell me why, you told me that you had to see me. You didn't give me a reason, and the more I think about it, the more this whole situation pisses me off!"

"Mac—" I say.

This wasn't how this evening was supposed to go. Actually… I don't know how this evening was supposed to go. I hadn't planned anything past walking in and making sure that she was okay again.

"No, you don't get to talk. You never talk anyway, so I don't know why the hell you would want to start now. Any time I start to say something that might make the mighty Harmon Rabb realize that he isn't so perfect, you want to table the discussion. Great guy, but the second you start talking about something serious… a commitment, feelings, something deeper than this week's blonde, he can't handle it… You did it in Paraguay, you did it in Sydney, you've always been the one to say that you don't want to talk about it. You always try to walk away from me, and finally when I tell you that there isn't going to be an us…. You don't say anything, but THAT'S when you start thinking?"

"Mac—"

She's up now, pacing around the bed throwing her hands around, "And what gave you the right to comment about my…. Whatever… with Clayton Webb? Huh? That has never been your business! The second you think that I might move on, you come running… that's been your MO this whole time. But do you know what really pisses me off?"

After a minute I realize that she really is waiting for a response from me, "What, Sarah?"

"All those times, I essentially came back to you. After Dalton, I came back to JAG, to you… the Jaguar was no Tomcat. After Mic, I ran back to you, but Renee was in the middle again. When you came to the Guadalcanal to talk to me, I ASKED you flat out what you were willing to give up, and you didn't have the guts to answer me, but I still came back and wanted us to be friends again. But this time when I tabled the topic, when I shut it down for good, you didn't fight me like I would have. You couldn't give me one good reason why I was wrong, and you ran off to the CIA."

"I don't…"

"Yeah, you don't know what to say… go figure." She says sitting heavily on the end of the bed after her pacing.

I figure that since she was able to get so much off her chest by pacing, it might do some good and stand up from the chair.

"Next time, don't wake me. Don't even come." She says, obviously thinking that I was going to leave.

I ignore her, "This last mission was the worst. Clayton Webb put me on it because he knew that I would go in guns blazing without a second thought. I'd kill the target with my bare hands without blinking once. We were told that Sadik was in this remote area, and after what he did to Webb, we knew that we were dealing with someone greater than we knew. I landed the plane near where we were going and had to force myself towards the back of the group. I didn't want the rest of the team to know what pleasure I would get out of killing that bastard for even thinking of laying a hand on you. He wasn't there… and you want to know my next thought?"

I wait, but she doesn't respond, still choosing to look down at her hands twisting in her lap, "my next thought was that I wasn't here. I was off chasing the guy and he had probably set us up, and I wasn't here to save you. I was never going to see you again because of all this. The regrets I had couldn't leave my mind… Why didn't I just tell you in Sydney harbor that I would be ready soon? When we were on the Admiral's porch at your engagement party, why didn't I convince you that I was the one you were meant to be with and that we should run while you still could? Why didn't I say right away that I would give up anything for you instead of hesitating until you couldn't even hear it? … I know that I've tabled it all… I know that I've folded under the pressure of the idea of us. Mac, you have to understand that it's because the idea of us, of everything we are to each other in the grand scheme of things, is bigger than anything."

That's when she finally looks up at me. I knew that she was listening this whole time, because I know that Mac could never ignore something she's been waiting for a long time. I was a jerk for waiting so long to say anything to her, and technically I haven't made the hardest confession of them all.

"You could never be what Renee or Jordan was to me, Mac… I couldn't just casually introduce you as my girlfriend. We're past all of that. We're past all of it, and we still put up with each other. You once said I've seen you at your best and at your worst, and it's true of you for me. Yet we're still here. I don't think that either of us has ever had that before."

"No, we haven't. Whenever it gets tough, someone leaves, or they don't stick around to hear the rest of it…" She pauses for a few minutes, but I know that she's just sorting through thoughts and doesn't need me to respond to her realization. "You shouldn't have gone after Sadik."

"It was my job, Mac, I couldn't help it."

She shoots daggers when she looks back up at me, but I know she means well, "Harm, you saw what he did to Clay. You saw what he would have done to me… he would have killed you the second he saw you."

"Better me than you."

"Well, then, I would have had a list of regrets flying through my head just as much as you did."

"Really?"

"Yes."

I decide that since I'm done with my big speech, the pacing is no longer necessary and make my way back to the chair to sit.

There are no words for a while, and we pass the time stealing glances at each other and meeting the other's eye for long moments. Neither of us wanted to continue the conversation, and both of us were too exhausted to think any more.

"Why is it easier here?" she finally asks, breaking the silence.

"You call what just happened, easy?"

She smiles at that, and adds, "No, but why here? Why now?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad that we're talking about all of this…"

"And where is it leading?"

As she says it, her eyes look to mine and I know that she isn't going to look away anytime soon. She wants an honest answer, and that answer is going to make or break the rest of our relationship.

"Honestly?" I ask, knowing the answer, but worried about her reaction to it.

"Yes." She says, still not letting her gaze break from mine.

"What's the saying… 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence in the suburbs? We've got a long way to get there, but in my mind that is the only place that it can lead unless it's over."

Her eyes widen, but she doesn't seem to pull away like I feared she would, "It's not over…"

"Slow…" I say in response, knowing that she will understand what I mean.

"When do you leave again?"

"I don't know yet."

"Stay?"

Every fiber of my being is being pulled towards her as she gives the invitation. I know that it isn't to take any big steps, but I am still hesitant.

"No… I want to, but even a sleepover is too much too soon."

"Sleep on the couch?"

"Mac…"

She sighs, sounding defeated, "Honestly, I'm worried about what will happen next time if you leave me here now."

"What do you mean?"

"While you were gone, I thought over our conversation so much that all it served to do was make me angry with you… I questioned everything that you said and I wanted to change my locks the day you left again."

"You didn't… and you kept your promise." I point out with a small smile on my lips.

"I couldn't…and I needed those calls as much as you did."

"Then we'll be fine."

"There are so many things we need to talk about."

"I know, and I'm ready and willing to talk about them, but you need to sleep for work tomorrow, and I'm exhausted."

"Next time, you'll wake me?"

"If I don't get lost in watching you sleep, yes."

"That's what you were doing?"

I just nod and she smiles before asking, "why?"

"Because you're gorgeous, Mac, regardless of the fact that you aren't aware of it or you can't stand it. You are achingly beautiful to me, and frankly, you always have been."

Those are the words I leave her with, walking to the door and turning behind me to lock the dead bolt before making my way to the Lexus and to my apartment.

She knew more than I ever thought I would be brave enough to share, and the realization that some of these regrets were fading away was enough to make me smile all the way home.