A few hours later, when Brendan had woken up once more, Ste had gone.
Not that he was surprised. He predicted this would happen, after they spoke about prison. He knew it was too soon for that subject to come up. He didn't even want to talk about it in the first place. But Ste had pouted, and sulked, and Brendan found it extremely difficult to say no to such a face. One of his many weaknesses when it came to that boy. But now, with the cold space beside him, he wished he knew how to say no. Say no from letting him back in. Not only into his life, or his bed, but back into his mind. Back into his heart. He was doing reasonably okay before he bumped into Ste that day, two weeks ago. Things were hard, but he was coping at least. That was better than nothing. But no. Ste had to bump into him, and he had to get himself right back under his skin. Little fucker.
Brendan got out of bed, and plodded through to the kitchen. Cheryl and Lynsey were sat at the table. Totally silent. Talking about him, Brendan assumed.
"Morning ladies." Brendan said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "If ye want me to leave the room so ye can gossip some more, feel free to ask."
Cheryl's cheeks turned a slight pink. Her eyes darted to Brendan's room, and then back to him. "No Ste?"
"Doesn't look like it, does it?"
"I thought-"
"What? Ye thought what?"
"Brendan," Lynsey complained, "Don't have a go at her because you and Ste have had a lovers tiff."
"Who asked ye?" Brendan spat.
"Brendan!" Cheryl spat back, "Don't be miserable with us, love. Have you two fallen out?"
"No, Chez. Just leave it." He slammed his mug down on the counter and left the flat through the back door. He was tired of being nagged. By Cheryl, by Lynsey, by Ste.
He wanted this. This "relationship". Brendan sure as hell didn't. Men don't have relationships. Yet Brendan had put aside everything his father had taught him growing up, and he went for it. For Ste. Because that's what he wanted. That's what would make him happy. And Brendan found that, when Ste was happy; so was he. When they were in their own little bubble, things were okay. Things were good, even. The world hadn't collapsed around him for being with another man. It was when things started getting a little too real, that it all became a little bit difficult. Going out, in public, together. Brendan wasn't used to that, but he did it. He put himself through that for Ste. He put himself being looked at and gossiped about, for Ste. Yet, this is how Ste repaid him. For all of it. By walking out, without one single word. Okay. If that's how he wanted to play things, then fine. Brendan was fine with that. Or at least, that's what he told himself as he stormed his way through the SU Bar. Pushing every student roughly out of his way, if they got in his way. Once he approached the bar, he realised Ste wasn't there. Instead he was greeted by Dodger.
"Alright, Brendan." Dodger grinned, wiping the bar down.
"Stephen around?"
"Nah, his shift don't start 'til one. You can wait, if you want. Or I can tell him you called by."
"No, it's fine." Brendan turned on his heel, and left.
So he would have to go to Ste's flat. That suited him better, really. He wasn't ready to rant and rave about their private lives infront of people in the SU Bar.
He banged his fist against the door. A little more urgently than he had first intended. Before the door opened fully, Brendan pushed his way through and let himself into the front room of the flat. He could hear Amy shouting after him, but he ignored her. She wasn't important right now.
"Stephen?" Brendan shouted, looking towards Ste's bedroom. "Stephen, I know yer in there."
"Excuse me!" Amy yelled, "Who the hell do you think you are?"
"Stephen, just talk to me." Brendan ignored her once again.
"He doesn't want to speak to you! Take the hint, Brendan!"
"Will ye shut up?" Brendan turned to Amy now. "I'm here to talk to Stephen. Alone. Yer not part of this, Amy!"
"You think I'm leaving him with you?" Amy laughed, as though it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. "He'd be safer with a rabid dog, than with you!"
Brendan breathed in through his nose. "Ye really are starting to annoy me now, Amy."
"What are you gonna do, Brendan? Hit a woman? Or is it still just boys?"
"I haven't hit him!" Brendan hissed, and turned his attention back to Ste's unopened bedroom door. "Stephen will ye please talk to me?"
"No, you just threw him out at six in the morning once you had your wicked way with him!"
"What?" Brendan asked. Confused.
"Yeah. After you got him into bed, you kicked him out into the cold. I should have known, really. You don't want Ste. Not properly. You just wanted to use him all over again. I warned him not to go anywhere near you, but he didn't listen. He thought you'd changed, but you don't really change do you? People like you. They never change."
Brendan laughed. Almost maniacally.
"You find this funny?"
Just then, Ste's door opened. And he appeared in the hallway.
"Here's the man himself!" Brendan clapped his hands together once. "Why don't ye tell me, Stephen, at what point this morning did I throw ye out?"
"Brendan."
"After I got what I wanted. Hm. And what was that?"
"Please."
"Can't you see you're upsetting him?" Amy went over to Ste, and put an arm around him.
"Ye see, Amy, I thought the same thing at half four this morning. When Stephen here woke me up, because he wanted to talk to me. And do ye know what we talked about? Did he tell ye?"
Amy shook her head.
"Then I will, shall I?" Brendan went on, "He wanted to talk to me about prison, and about what happened. So I told him. But I had a few questions of my own as ye can imagine. Well one. I'm not sure if yer aware, but young Stephen here thought I was a serial killer. Did ye know that?"
Amy went to open her mouth, but Brendan continued.
"Course ye did. So I asked him why, and he told me. Do ye wanna know what he said?"
Tears were rolling down Ste's cheeks now. But it didn't stop Brendan.
"Because he knows me. Because he knows what a monster I am."
"Bren.." Ste near whispered.
Brendan felt himself getting choked up, but he carried on regardless. "But not only did he think I killed those girls. He thought I could do that to him, too. And ye know part of me, Stephen, part of me could see why ye would think that. As the lovely Amy here already knows, I'm without a heart, aren't I?"
"That's enough." Amy warned quietly.
"I haven't got to the best bit, yet. Yer favourite part. This morning, when I supposedly threw Stephen out, do ye wanna know where I was?"
"Obvi-"
"Shut up." Brendan snapped. "I was in bed. Asleep. Because young Stephen here," Brendan gestured towards Ste now, "ran out himself. He got up out of my bed and left my flat. On his own. I didn't throw him out, I didn't even know he was gone. So it seems he's been telling ye a few white lies there, Amy."
Amy looked shocked. Her mouth was slightly open. Her eyes slightly sceptical. She looked at Ste, for confirmation that what Brendan just said was true, and she got a nod in response. She didn't look apologetic. Brendan didn't expect her to be. He didn't even know what had set him off, either. Amy was being so smug, that Ste had gone back to her. It just all came out of his mouth, and he couldn't seem to stop it. He had so much he needed to say, and the only way he could was if he said it infront of Amy. Because she wasn't leaving Ste with him.
"Are you done?" Amy asked, calmer than before.
Brendan glanced over at Ste, who had wiped his tears with the sleeve of his hooded jumper, and nodded.
"Ste?"
"Ames, could you give me a minute?" Ste mumbled. "I'll be fine. I promise."
"Sure ye wanna leave him with the big bad wolf, Amy?"
Amy marched up to Brendan. "I'll be just outside. If you dare, and I mean dare, lay one finger on him, I'll ring the police, and you'll go back to prison. Where filth like you belongs." She turned around so quickly that her hair flicked in Brendan's face, and walked away.
"Charming."
The front door shut, Amy was gone. It was just them two now. Things were a bit more uncomfortable. Ste was stood as far as he possibly could away from Brendan. Close enough so they didn't have to shout, but far enough to get a head start if Brendan went for him.
"I dunno why you're here." Ste muttered, looking out of the kitchen window. "I thought me leaving the flat this morning made things pretty clear."
"That's where yer wrong, Stephen. It made no sense to me."
"I didn't just leave for no reason. You didn't want me there."
"When did I say that?"
"You didn't need to say it, Brendan!"
"Then how did ye come to that conclusion?"
"The way that you-"
"The way that I what? The way that I ended the conversation, because ye were upset? That was really selfish of me, I must admit. Not wanting to see ye like that. What was I thinking?"
Ste was the one who was speechless now. He took a step forward, however Brendan took a step back.
"No, don't." He told him. "Don't."
"See."
"I'm not doing this because I don't-.. I thought we were.. good. Then ye tell me that ye think I'm capable of doing that to ye? Fucking hell, after everything, Stephen."
Brendan could see images in his mind. Of Ste, on the pavement. Bleeding. Dying. Helpless. Completely alone. The only way he could stop it, was to get rid of Danny. He wasn't prepared to let Ste get hurt, because of him. He refused to lose him. He didn't even know where it came from, but that night confirmed so much - when he allowed himself to think of it. It confirmed what Brendan had been keeping at bay for a while. He didn't want to acknowledge it, the way he felt about Ste, but it was always there. In the back of his mind. But he was scared. He was fucking terrified, because he'd never felt that way before. About anyone. No woman, no man, nobody. He didn't think he could, if he was honest. After the way he normally dealt with previous partners, he didn't think it was possible. To feel regret after he hurt him. To feel like a fucking idiot because he knew he should deal with it differently. And then Ste said it. Those three words, that Brendan had heard so many times before from others. From Macca, and Vinnie. Yet when they said it, they meant nothing. Not a single damn thing. It just meant Brendan needed to knock some sense into them both. Remind them what it was they had going on. That it wasn't love, and it never would be.
'Don't ever say that to me again', He would tell them as they doubled over in pain from the blow to the ribs. 'Do ye understand? Never.'
A winded apology would always escape their mouths, but they would always say it again. They never learned.
But when Ste said it, Brendan somehow didn't have the power to crush his ribs with his fist. He didn't have the power to hit him, and see that pain and heartbreak in his eyes that he had seen in all the others. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. So he kissed him, to shut him up. And then sent him away. Though that never lasted long. It never did, with Ste. They would always go back to each other, and end up where they started. It was so frustrating, but at the same time it was like they couldn't breathe without being near each other. Without seeing each other. Without getting that familiar thump in their chest. That thump that would beat harder when they got closer. That thump that sometimes felt like it could burst through their chest. And Brendan could feel that thump now, standing at least ten foot away from Ste. It never went away. Not once.
"I should go." Brendan muttered, moving towards the door.
"Brendan, please." Ste said, grabbing hold of his arm. His fingers digging into the leather jacket sleeve. "Please."
Brendan looked down at Ste's hand that was clung to him. "Let go."
"No."
"Now."
"No."
Brendan raised his other arm, and placed his hand ontop of Ste's, curling his fingers round it.
"We need to talk about this."
"Look where that got us before." Brendan gently lifted Ste's hand off his arm, and gave it a light squeeze before letting it go. He leaned forward, and kissed Ste's forehead. Breathing him in completely, one last time. He didn't know when he would get to do that again, if ever. That familiar scent invaded his nostrils. The smell of cheap deodrant, but something that was purely him. Something soft, and delicate. Almost like Ste himself.
Brendan pulled away, and forced himself to speak. "I'll see ye around," He sniffed, blinking back the few tears that threatened to fall. "Ste."
"Brendan." Ste whispered, as he watched Brendan leave through the front door as fast as he possibly could. He practically shoved Amy out of the way, but she didn't seem to care. She turned her attention to a broken Ste, stood infront of her.
"Are you okay?"
"He called me Ste." Ste whimpered gently.
And that shouldn't have meant anything. It was just a name. Everyone called him Ste. So why did it feel like a knife through the heart when Brendan called him it? Was it because when Brendan said it, it sent a single shiver down Ste's spine every time? That when he said it, it was with feeling, with an intimacy of sorts? That it was territorial, and possessive - as though Ste belonged to him? As though he was Brendan's, and Brendan's only? It was ridiculous, surely. But with Ste, now sobbing into Amy's arms, it felt like his entire world had just collapsed on top of him. So this was what it felt like to have your heart break into a million pieces. To cry so much that it became difficult to breath, if you could even breathe at all. He knew he had to do something. To try make things right. But he just didn't know how to. He saw the look in Brendan's eye before he left. He knew that look. He saw it when Brendan first came out of prison. A look of hurt, and betrayal. It wasn't just Ste's heart that had been broken all over again. It was Brendan's, too.
A/N(Hope you enjoyed it. Reviews would be appreciated, but really, just thanks for reading. X)