What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - Friedrich Neitzche

"Bee, stay strong baby. I love you and I'll be here when you come out." Giving her another kiss, I watched as she was taken from me.

"She's a tough cookie Edward. She'll pull through this." My Dad pulled me into an embrace. "Mom's on her way. I told her to stay at home but she was having none of it. Edward, from what Bree has told me, you did so well. She still alive because of you."

"No Dad, I'm alive because of her. She is my life, my everything."

Tuesday 7th December

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...The familiar sound of a heart monitor. I'd never thought much of that sound before. It was just noise, like background static noise of the hospital environment. But now... now that sound, that beautiful beep was the very reason for my existence. Without that familiar beep, my world would go dark and black and I was honestly not sure whether I would be able to return like the last time.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...My eyes grew heavy once again as I fought the need to close them. I was sat on a cheap plastic hospital chair at Bella's bedside. My cheek lay next to our clasped hands, staring up at her beautiful, still pale face. She was so beautiful. Heartbreakingly so. I just needed her to open her eyes now. Come on Bee, come back to me beautiful girl.

It had been two days along since the incident. Two days since I'd seen the love and life shine in my girl's eyes. I longed for her to wake up but I knew the sedatives given to her would help her in the long run. Tori's blade had ruptured Bella's spleen and therefore had required immediate surgery. It was actually Dr. Denali, Tanya's father and Chief of Surgery that delivered news of how Bella had done in the waiting room.

I still didn't know the whole story of Tanya's involvement at that time; neither did he. He confirmed that Bella's surgery to repair the damage caused was a success even after a scare where she had gone into shock and her blood pressure dropped to a dangerously low level. She pulled through though because she was strong; stronger than anyone else I knew.

Everyone in the waiting room was relieved to know how Bella was, that she was still with us. The waiting room held myself, my own father and mother along with Alice, Jasper, Jake and Billy. I called Jake just minutes after she was wheeled through the theatre doors. I didn't know how long I'd be able to hold it together so I knew I had to act fast. He along with Billy arrived at the hospital within half an hour of my call. Once I had received the news that Bella was doing well and in recovery, I was allowed to go and see her. In fact, I'd not left her bedside since apart from using the hospital's bathroom and showering facilities to get washed up and changed. My mom and dad checked on me especially my dad who would visit often.

After a couple of days in ICU, Bella was transferred to a room of her own. Three hours ago, Dr. Jenkins who was now taking care of Bella had reduced her medication in order for her to wake up. It would be a slow process; I knew why but I couldn't help but want her to just open her eyes, look up at me and smile. That's all I wanted.

Thursday 9th December

The police had just been to see me again to take more details of that night. I really didn't want to relive it but if I knew if I could give as much detail as I could, Bella wouldn't be harassed as soon as she woke. It had been two days since Dr. Jenkins had started to reduce her pain medication so she would wake up. Nothing had happened yet but that was normal... or so I kept telling myself. I couldn't help but study her charts and hover when a doctor or nurse would run a simple check up test, blood pressure, temperature, etc. I was becoming obsessed with the figures, trying to study signs that she may be ready to wake. I knew it wasn't going to work. Every individual was different but that didn't stop me.

"Edward, honey, she'll wake up when she's ready and not before." My mom commented on her last visit.

"I know Mom but I can't help it. It's like I know too much about her condition, like I'm reading too much into everything." I pulled on my hair in frustration.

"I know dear. Look, why don't you come back to the house and get some rest. You look so tired." She stood next to me as I sat in my chair next to Bella's bed, her fingers gently running through my hair. I sighed into her motherly touch.

"I can't Mom, Bee needs me."

"Edward, she needs you fighting fit! Not collapsing because you haven't slept properly or eaten a decent meal in the last five days. Please. Just for a couple of hours."

"Mom... I can't... Please." I felt the pressure crack as my tears fell. They were the first ones since Sunday.

"Oh baby. Shh. She'll come back to you. You were made for one another." My mom wrapped her arms around my head and into her chest as I cried all the tears of sadness, angry and frustration. Breathing out slowly, I composed myself as I played with the charms on Bella's bracelet. My mom framed my face with her hands as she moved her head down so she was eye level with me.

"That's my boy. I love you."

"Love you too Mom. And thank you. I couldn't have got through the last few days without you or Dad."

Mom smiled then gave me a long look. "I'm not sure if you want to know but Tanya was arrested this morning in connection with Bella's case..." She paused before I nodded slightly for her to continue. I wasn't sure whether I was ready to talk about this with my family. My throat felt tight and my chest squeezed a little but these feelings weren't followed by dizziness or sickness, my usual panic attack symptoms so I knew I was okay.

"She was found trying to board a plane to England at JFK airport. She's been charged as an accessory to attempted murder and is being brought back to Seattle. What have the police said to you, Edward? Why was Tanya involved? I knew she was a bitch but I never thought she would stoop so low..."

Finding my voice, I started to tell my mom what had happened earlier that day. I'd had the police come and interview me each day since we'd been here but today was a bit different, today I got to meet Sue Clearwater.

There was a knock at Bella's room door, "Dr.Cullen? May I come in?" The voice was definitely female but I didn't recognise it as a voice of one of the nurses. I straightened Bella's already straight sheet before answering. My back was to the door so I couldn't see who was coming.

"It's open."

I heard the door open slowly before I heard a gasp. Turning in my seat slightly, I was a little taken back by the petite mid-aged woman dressed in a cop's uniform, stood frozen just inside the room.

"Can I help you Ma'am?"

The woman was staring at Bella's unconscious form, completely frozen. My eyes darted up to her eyes where I saw tears begin to fall. She jolted back to life as she quickly wiped the moisture away from under her own eyes then she looked at me.

"I'm so sorry Edward." She whispered.

I looked back at Bella. I had really started to hate those few words. They sounded like I had lost Bella; I hadn't lost her, she was still with me.

"I'm sorry Ma'am, have we met before?" Turning my attention back to the woman, I waited for an answer and the answer I got I really wasn't expecting.

"No. Well, I know Bella and she always talked about her Edward." She took a cautious step towards me, "I'm Sue, Sue Clearwater."

The name I knew instantly. Bella had talked about her so much since they had been back in contact after James' suicide.

"Sue...I...Hello." I didn't know what to say. This woman had been a rock for Bella when she'd been out of my life.Bella spoke so highly of her; it was weird to finally meet her.

"It's great to finally meet you, though I'd loved to have met you under better circumstances." Sue gave me a sad smile before nodding towards Bella, "May I?"

"Of course, I'm sorry, where are my manners." My mom would be appalled. I jumped to my feet to retrieve a chair from the corner of the room and I placed it next to my own.

"Come take a seat." Sue seemed to take a deep breath before walking and sitting beside me in the chair.

"Sorry, it's been a while since I was sat in a hospital like this; it's bring back alot of painful memories."

We both sat in silence apart from the beep of Bella's heart monitor for several minutes.

"Bella was always the strong one, you know. We sat by Charlie's bedside for weeks before he passed away...Seeing her like this now, it's just not right."

"I know." More silence passed.

"Oh Bella, beautiful beautiful Bella. If your father was still here, I'd have to literally lock him in a cell to stop him going after the people that did this to you. He'd be so angry, so mad."

I couldn't stop the small, sad sounding chuckle that left my lips. I could still remember Charlie and his fiery temper especially about boys and Bella. But he always was good to me even when I told him that Bella was the love of my life, when I was a fifteen year old puck kid who wanted to give Bella everything she wanted; I'm still that kid really.

"She's told me a lot about you Edward. Well, she always talked about you when we were in Anchorage. No one ever lived up to you in her eyes. Or should I say no man. Jake was the only one that even got on the radar and even then, he wasn't close. Sure, he was a super friend to her, he made her laugh, made sure she was safe but it was a brother-sister type of love you know?"

I smiled for the first time in four days.

"Oh yeah, I think I know what that's like."I was momentary transferred back to the age of ten when I saw Bee as my sister and best friend; how things can change...or be realised.

"I was so happy to know that when Bella decided to move back here, she wouldn't be on her own. Jake would do anything for her."

I nodded. Of course I already knew this. Jake had been to see Bella every day since she'd been in.

"He'll be here soon if you want to wait."

"Oh I'd love to but I need to get back. I'll visit when she wakes up. I need to be at the station soon. I've been asked to help on the case due to my history with working with Charlie way back when. I do miss that funny little man. Bella's like him in so many ways."

I nodded again. "So you'll be in town for a while?"

"I'm not sure yet but I hope so."

"So you worked with Charlie when they moved to Anchorage?"

"Yep, I didn't know about the James situation to start with. Charlie was always a very private person. No one knew his reasons for moving to our town, he'd just say it was for personal reasons. It was only after James was arrested and sent down that I found out the truth of the matter. Bella had plans to move straight back to Seattle, get in contact with you but then Charlie got sick.When he passed,he told Bella to follow her heart...and she did, she found her long lost love again...you."

She smiled warmly at me and I shyly smiled back, a bit embarrassed.

"I just can't believe that after everything that happened, after she was free to come back to Seattle where she obviously wanted to be, that the whole James situation would come back to haunt us all..."

I turned back to Bella and took her hand in mine. It was warm and comforting to have a physical connection with her.

"Sue? What do you know about what happened? The police haven't really said much so far."

Sue glanced at me before her gaze fell on Bella once again, "You really want to know?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

"I shouldn't be telling you this..."She trailed off into a whisper.After a minute of silence, Sue started to speak quietly.

"Tori. Her full name is Victoria Normad. She had been in contact with James in prison over the last year. She's one of those people who wrote to people on the inside, you know to connect with the outside world and give them a sense of meaning. James and Victoria only ever meet once but her obsession with him was off the scale. When she was arrested, her apartment was searched. She had a whole room filled with letters, pictures, newspaper articles... it was insane." She rubbed her forehead with his fingers. Telling me this was obviously hard for her.

I felt sick to my stomach. James was a delusional individual who couldn't hack being in prison for the crimes he committed. Fucking coward. He used Victoria to do what he knew he never could.

"Victoria lives with her brother, Laurent. He had a new girlfriend... she knew of Bella... and of course, you."

She looked at me with sadness. That's the missing link. Tanya. Tanya was fucking Victoria's brother. The anger in the pit of my stomach flared and the hatred that I felt toward Tanya actually scared me. At that moment in time, I wanted to kill her.

"Tanya." I spat her name, disgusted I was ever involved with a person who would go so low to hurt another human being.

Sue nodded. "Edward, I don't think Tanya was being honest with you when you were together." I physical shiver ran down my spine at the word, 'together'.

"I think she was with Laurent in New York. Turns out, he owns an apartment in the city there as well as here." Bitch, cold hearted bitch. I hope she gets put away for life.

"I'm sorry Edward. I think I just over stepped the mark..."

"No, no you're fine. Can... can you just give me a minute... please?"

"Sure. I'll step outside and grab a coffee." Sue rose from her chair quickly and exited the room. Once the door clicked close, I let go a frustrated growl. Leaping to my feet, I paced the room. I needed to calm the fuck down.

"What an idiot! Stupid fucking idiot!" I pulled on my hair in frustration. Of course she was cheating on me in New York. She had spent so much time there over the last few months of our relationship. Relationship... I laughed out loud at the mere thought of using that word to describe mine and Tanya's interaction. We both used each other, nothing more. She was there when I didn't want to be on my own. She saw me as prize, a doctor who would make her life rosey and her father happy. What an idiot I was.

I slumped back to my chair, my hands at the side Bella on her bed, my head in them. "Bee... I need you... I can't do this on my own... please..."

Saturday 11th December

I was asleep in my usual chair, my head on Bella's bed and I was having the most amazing dream. I was dreaming of our wedding day, the day that I knew in the pit of my stomach, in the depths of my heart; would be still happen.

I knew it was a dream because of the scene before my eyes. Bella was a picture in white, gracefully walking down the aisle with her father, Charlie on her arm. She looked so happy, her cheeks were full from smiling and the faint blush across them was adorable. When they both reached the top of the aisle where I was stood with Jasper and Emmett, Charlie spoke.

"You'll look after her for me, yeah?"

I nodded, "I will Chief Swan."

He smiled, "Thank you my boy and thank you for making my little Bee so happy." I smiled as Charlie placed Bella's hand in mine. The warmth of it made my entire body tingle. I squeezed her hand and she squeezed it back. Then she squeezed my hand again. And again. I was suddenly back in the real world, my head still on the side of Bella's bed. I opened my eyes slowly to see the moon light filter through the blinds of the window. In front of me were our adjoined hands, just like in the dream.

"Bee, I just had the most amazing dream..." I whispered as I trailed off and closed my eyes again. Then I felt it. And this was no dream. Bella squeezed my hand. The movement was weak but it was without question, one of the most amazing moments of my life.

My head shot off the bed as I sat upright. "Bee? Bee? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand again..." I waited that seemed like forever but it was probably only a second or two before she squeezed again, a fraction more this time.

"Oh my God, Bee, Bee. I love you Bee. I'm just going to call for a doctor..." The small squeeze turned into a small hold as she silently asked me not to leave her alone.

I scoffed, "Bee I'm not leaving you, ever, you heard me? I just need to press the call button." I reached over her without letting her go and pressed the button.

"Bee? Can you move anything else? How about your toes?" I gently exposed her feet from underneath the sheets where her toes wiggled with the slightest of movement. I couldn't help the giddy feeling inside of my burst.

"Bee, can you open your eyes? I know it's hard but can you try, for me?" I stood and hovered over her face, praying she'd be able to fight to get her eyes open. The moon light gave the room enough light so I could see her eyes move back and forth under her closed lids.

"That's it Bee. Come back to me." Her eyes fluttered open for a small second before closing again.

"I love you Bee. Oh my God I love you." I could feel the tears start to gather in my own eyes as Bella fought her heavy eye lids again to get them to open.

A nurse walked in. "Everything okay in here Dr. Cullen?"

I spoke without my eyes moving away from the brave, strong woman who lay before me, "We need Dr. Jenkins. Bee's waking up." My voice cracked as the pure joy of the situation hit me. After the last almost week of prayers and hopeful wishes, it's started.

I heard the door close and the nurse talking to someone in the corridor. Movement caught my eye as Bella moved her lips slowly, her bottom lip slowly entering her mouth and her teeth gently bite down. She was determined to do this. I happy sob escaped me and the tears that were brimming in my eyes rolled down my cheeks.

Then she opened her eyes, slowly. Her pupils adjusted to the dim light in the room. She looked like she couldn't focus to start with or she was searching for something.

"Hey beautiful girl, I'm right here." Her eyes focused in on my face. I must have looked like an idiot, a huge tearful grin took over my face, I couldn't help it. After all that worry, she'd come back to me. Just as I'd hoped, just as everyone had said she would.

"Ed-" She tried to speak but only managed Ed before wincing. "Bee, don't try and speak baby. Oh I can't tell you how happy I am to see those beautiful big brown eyes." I stroked her cheek and she turned her head slowly to lay her cheek in my palm.

"Edward?" My dad was stood in the doorway with a look of concern before he could see Bella properly.

"Bella, welcome back young lady. You gave us quite the scare."

"Sorry." She croaked before wincing again. I looked back at Bella to give her a disapproving look but it soon turned into a smile because well, I was so happy.

"Your doctor, Dr. Jenkins asked me to call in. He's on his way in so he'll be with you shortly. I'm just going to check you out, if Edward hasn't already done that..."

I shook my head, my eyes still glued to my girl. My dad laughed at my lack of communication, "Well, let's take a look at you then Bella."

An hour later, Bella was drifting in and out of sleep again. My dad confirmed that she was doing really well. Her wound was healing nicely and after a small sip of water, Bella's voice sounded better, even though she was just speaking one or two word answers to any questions asked.

"Bee, close your eyes and get some rest."

"Okay." Bella nodded sleepily before slipped back into her dream like state, but this time, she slept with a small smile on her lips and I knew she'd be back with me soon.

Wednesday 15th December

"Morning sunshine." I squeezed Bella's hand as her eyes fluttered open and closed.

"Morning handsome." She smiled at me. I smiled back, teeth and all; I was starting to look like Jake! I was just so happy but today, the nerves had crept back in. Today, if Bella was feeling up to it, the police would be talking to her, getting her statement about the events of that horrific night. I hated that she would have to relive that all over again. I'd told them that much. If I saw one sign that she was stressing out too much, the interview would end and I'd kick them out myself.

"Edward, stop worrying. I'm okay." I scoffed. Okay...right.

"Bee, I can't help but worry. You shouldn't have to relive this so early in your recovery. It's just not right."

"Edward, oh my silly Edward." She was shaking her head from side to side with a smile on her pretty face, "I know you worry but don't. Please. I have to do this sometime so why not today?" I knew she was right... sodidshe.Damn.

She was so strong willed and stubborn. Some things never change. She had got out of her bed for the first time today and walked around. Not too much but enough to get rid of her bed legs. She was so happy that she was able to walk without too much pain in her left side, mostly because that meant her catheter could come out and she could use the bathroom again.

We'd talked about that night too and I'd told her everything that I already knew. Bee's memory of the beginning of the night was okay, she could remember going to the bathroom and Tori meeting her in the corridor, asking if she had a cigarette. The fire door was already open. When Bella had apologised that she didn't smoking and therefore couldn't help her, she turned her back to Tori. Tori grabbed Bella from behind, pushing a cotton scarf into her mouth to muffle her screams. She dragged her to the alley just minutes before I found them. Bee had so far struggled with her memory from later that evening. She remembered seeing me for the first time. She'd told me her biggest fear was anything happening to me because of her. Events after that were hazy for Bella. She said she thinks she remembers hearing me telling her I loved her and telling her to come back to me but she thought it could have been a dream. I'd also told her about meeting Sue and she was so happy we'd got on.

"Hey, are you okay? You look deep in thought."

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not the one in a hospital bed, I'm fine."

"Edward, you're stressing out, stop, now." She's just incredible and so strong.

"Okay, okay, I surrender. I'll try and stop stressing out. But you need to tell me if any of the police questioning ends up being too much, okay?"

She nodded and battered her eye lashes, "I will Dr. Cullen... doctor's orders?" Tease. Oh yes, my Bella was definitely back.

"Yes, doctor's orders." I leaned in to kiss her. Her hands were in my hair in seconds before she pulled back and winced.

"Bee? You okay?" I searched her eyes.

She chuckled, "Yeah, I'll be better once I got this thing out of me!" She held up her hand with her IV in it. I laughed, "No sudden movements and it'll be fine."

She huffed then smiled then pouted. "I want to go home Edward."

I chuckled again, "I want you home too love. Soon." I kissed her forehead before sitting back in my chair.

She looked at me, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth, "Wanna play doctor when we get home?"

My response was a groan. It was the way she said doctor, suggestively. I knew with Bella's healing wound to her left side, sex was out of the question for some time yet. Oh hell, what the fuck was I going to do with a hot fiancée who seemed to want to torture me?

"You know I do Bee." I whined, "But I think that will be out of the question for a while." She pouted again. It was adorable.

"Well we'll just have to improvise, won't we?" She winked and I groaned again but I couldn't help the small smile too.

Later that day, Bella was interviewed by the police. And to be fair, they were really good with her. They only asked her about five questions after she had told them everything she could remember. They had been and gone again in thirty minutes.

Everyone came to visit today too. It was the first time that my mom and Jake had been allowed to visit now she was awake. Shorty and Sue came too and they were hugs and tears from the girls especially between Bella and Sue. Even Jake looked like he could shed a happy tear.

Dr. Jenkins came to assess Bella's progress that evening. Bella was really tired after have a full day of visits but as soon as Dr. Jenkins started talking about when she would be able to go home, she soon switched back to being awake.

"This weekend? Really? That soon?"

"You don't want to go home for Christmas Miss Swan?"

Bella gasped, "Of course I do. Oh God, I want nothing more right now."

"Well, as long as your healing progress doesn't slip back in the next couple of days, I'll happily discharge you. Beside, you'll have your very own doctor." Dr. Jenkins turned to me and smiled.

"Oh I do Dr. Jenkins. I'm sure Dr. Cullen will take care of me."

"I'm sure he will. I'll see you Friday for hopefully the last time then."

"Okay thank you for everything Dr. Jenkins."

"No problem, Miss Swan. Edward." He nodded at me before exiting the room.

"Home for Christmas?" Bella raised an eyebrow at me, "Would this have anything to do with you?"

I walked towards the bed from my perch at the window and leaned down, "Maybe." I kissed her slowly. Her IV had been taken out this afternoon so she was taking advantage.

"Mmmmm Christmas. Can't wait to get my present."

"What have you ask Santa Claus for this year, Bee?"

"You."

Sunday 19th December

We were home. A day later than original planned but only because Bella's meds were delivered too late on Saturday evening for her to be discharged. She was pissed and disappointed to say the least. But we were home now. Well, we were at Bella's apartment. Bella protested when I carried her up the stairs to her door but I didn't want her over doing it so early in her recover process.

The hospital had told me to have the rest of the holidays off and return to work in the New Year which I was grateful for. Bella was also wanting to return to work after the holidays but again, that depended on how she got on over the next few weeks.

"Bee? You want some pizza for dinner?"

"Sounds great. Hospital food is okay but not as good as the real deal."

I laughed as I clicked the online ordering service.

"So I was talking to your mom earlier."

"Oh yeah, she okay?"

"Yep she's good. She and Shorty are going to take me Christmas shopping tomorrow."

"I don't know Bella. It's a bit soon."

She patted the seat next to her then waved me over. Once I was seated next to her, she placed her arm around my shoulder, "Edward. I have less than a week to buy my Christmas gifts..."

"Bee, you've been in hospital. I'm sure people will understand that."

"But I want to. You know I love Christmas. Please Edward, pleeeeeeeeeeeease." She gave the biggest puppy dog eyes ever.

"Okay but be out no longer than an hour... two at the very most."

"Thank you Dr. Cullen." She squeezed my bicep and kissed my cheek.

"Well I suppose that gives me time to get your presents sorted too."

"Edward, please don't spent too much. Because remember, we have a wedding to save up for..."

I pulled her arm across my chest gently so she was hugging me and I turned my head so we were looking straight at one another, "Yes we do."

So this is the second to last chapter of Loved & Lost. Chapter 22 will be the first ful chapter shortly followed by an epilogue.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for taking time to read and review. I always love hearing from you all. Thanks as always to my beta, SweetLovinCullen, love you babes*mwah*

I just wanted to take this opportunity to let you know about something I'm involved in along with SweetLovinCullen. It's called Fandoms4ME and it's a fandom fundraiser to bring awareness to Myalgic Encephalopathy (commonly know as ME or CFS) and aid research. All fandoms welcome. If you're an author, please consider writing for our cause. If you're a reader, please donate a small amount.

If you're an author, please consider writing for our cause. If you're a reader, please donate a small amount. All details are on our site: http:/fandoms4me . blogspot . com/You can follow us on twitter too Fandoms4MESo until next time x