Over the next few days, John became stronger and more alert. His emotions were all over the place and Carson was a bit concerned. It may be just the mix of pain meds causing the undo side effect or it could be a sign of brain damage. He was praying it was the pain meds. He was inclined to reduce the pain meds but John's injuries were extensive and he really needed them.
Five minute ago, John had been chatting up the nurses, charming them with his antics. Now he was agitated, begging them to seriously chop off his casted leg so he could be released to his room-assuring them that Carson wouldnt notice!
A crash brought Carson out of his thoughts and he sighed. John had been downgraded to Progressive Care status and was now in the regular infirmary, occupying "his" bed in the rear corner, away from the main traffic area. The mood swings were really starting to concern Carson as it was so out of character for John . As he approached the bed, he saw the nurse patting John's uninjured shoulder, assuring him that the catheter was needed.
John saw Carson and lit into him "Take it out Carson! Please take it out! You know I hate that thing-its...its demeaning! He lift the sheet covering himself and made to yank it free. Carson had to dive for his hand to restrain it.
John yelled at the top of his lungs "Take It Out!" Luckily the array of casts made it impossible for John to move much, but Carson was concerned all the thrashing he could do, would aggravate not only his leg fracture but also his hip fracture.
He instructed the nurse to inject a sedative to John's IV as he held down the right arm John was trying to free.
"Major! Stop moving! Your gonna hurt yourself further and undo any healin' thats taken place!" Carson was trying to reason with him. "If ya dont stop, I'll be forced to sedate ya to the gills and tie ya down to the bed.!"
That seemed to get John's attention as his struggles stopped. He was panting loudly and was in obvious pain and was extremely agitated.
"Look what ya have done to yourself here...Take a deep breath, come on...in, then out. In, then out..." John was calming down. Carson tried to explain to him, " Major, the catheter is in place so we can monitor your intake and out take of fluids. Also to make it easier for you since you are incapacitated. Do ya understand, Lad?"
John looked at Carson innocently, with an angelic smile "Sure Doc, whatever you say. What's for lunch?"
The mood swing was unnerving to say the least.
ooOOooOOoo
Carson had been afraid to have John evaluated, afraid of what the tests would reveal-that John had indeed suffered brain damage? That he would be sent home to a veteran's mental institution to rot in indefinitely?
Carson would never let that happen, he'd retire to care for him himself before he'd let something like that happen to the man who had shown courage and selflessness so many times it was impossible to count. Carson had to figure out what was going on with John. He shuddered at his depressing thoughts and vowed to do whatever he could to figure out what was happening to john before anything official was documented.
-
Carson had been readjusting John's meds and had seen improvement and was relieved and optomistic. He was relieved that all signs showed that John had not suffered any brain damage, glad that he had not initiated an evaluation. The IOA would have been a freakin' pain in the arse, wanting to get their hands on the injured man. The mood swings were reduced, though at the moment John was in a depression. He wouldnt talk to anyone and refused visitors. Carson was suspecting post traumatic stress was the culprit this time.
Carson pulled a chair over to the bed, the curtains already closed as per John's request. "Son, I know things have been rough, but ya are on the mend. Dont lose sight of that, laddie." He noticed a tear fall from the corner of John's eye. He had never seen John cry, ever...he was unsure how to proceed, knowing that John was usually very emotionally guarded.
"I almost killed Teyla, Doc" John's voice cracked as he confessed.
"No, laddie-ya didnt...Teyla is fine! Carson assured him.
"No, Doc-I shouldnt have flown the jumper with a head injury. I didnt even need to! John spilled out. "I messed up Doc and Teyla almost paid the price and I ruined a perfectly good jumper too!
This outburst wasnt unusual after what John had been through, however misguided it was.
"John, no one blames you. You made a decision to get yourself help and send help back...it didnt work out-but that certainly isnt your fault."
"Yes it is... I messed up...When I tried to contact Atlantis, I forgot to dial the gate first. That's why I couldnt contact them, I ... I FORGOT to dial the gate first!"
"Major, you were hurt, with a head injury and Teyla stated that you werent wearing the oxygen, so ya was sufferin the effects of hypoxia, too. And no one was hurt, but you! And let me just add that ya almost did yourself in!"
John stared at the ceiling, the tears now dried, but his face still showed the stress of a guilty conscience. Carson knew John was way too hard on himself and he wasnt sure what he could do to relieve the guilty feelings John was having. This time his mood was caused by his perception of how his actions had failed his friends and not imagined by the side effects of pain medication.
Rodney had walked in as John confided in Carson. He was astounded that John blamed himself for what happened. When he heard silence after Carson assured John, he knew John was unconvinced and still believed himself was to blame.
Rodney shoved the curtain aside and moved so he was in John's sight. "If anyone is to blame John, its me! You told me not to touch anything, but I did anyway. In doing so, I initiated the self destruct, I am the reason you got hurt in the first place, I am the reason you felt obligated to contact Atlantis to send help. I am the reason why you chanced returning to Atlantis in the jumper. It's my fault you almost died! Its my fault I blew up the base and we will never get that pertinent information again! Its all my fault-Not yours-not for anything." Rodney felt sick. Deep down he had known it was his fault-but admitting it outloud made it all the more real.
He needed to get out of there-fast. He didnt even acknowledge what affect his confession had had on John. All he knew was that he was truly to blame and John had been this close to death. They had been this close to the secrets of the ZedPM and he had caused it all to be lost.
TBC John is really hard on himself, and he did make a mistake by not dialing the gate so that his transmission would go through to Atlantis. It doesnt matter he was reeling from a major head wound and suffering hypoxia. All he knows is he made a mistake-and we all know how he feels about doing that! One good thing is now John realizes he's not the only one who feels guilty. One more chapter to go!