"College."
"College?" Joss waited expectantly for a moment, then raised her eyebrows when Bonnie didn't continue. "That's a mighty short answer for a pretty big question, don't you think?"
"Sorry." Bonnie sighed. "It's just ... every time I go to begin, I find myself about to start makes excuses for why I was like that to begin with."
"Just tell it how you need to." Joss rested her chin on her hands, and gave a sudden, impish grin. "Don't worry: I'll let you know if I think you're full of shit."
"Gee, thanks." The taller woman chuckled and shook her head at Joss, who continued to grin unrepentantly. "The short version is that when I was younger, I felt miserable and worthless, and the easiest way to feel better about myself was to make other people feel worse."
"... couldn't ... couldn't you have gone to your family for help?"
Bonnie laughed, then colored at the harsh and bitter sound.
"My family were the reason I felt like I did."
"Oh." Joss looked stricken. "I –"
"You didn't know. It's okay." Bonnie looked at the serving plates. Have to make two trips to the table.
"Here, let me help you with those." The Montanan slid off the kitchen stool.
The two women moved the meal to the table; spicy jerked chicken, fragrant Jamaican-style rice and peas, and a chilled tomato salad to soothe the bite of the other dishes.
"So that's why you were always such a ..." Joss paused, obviously trying to think of a not-too-insulting word.
"Bitch?" Bonnie offered. "It's okay to say it, since it's what I was. And ... I didn't think about it like that at the time. I just knew that pulling other people down made me feel better. I know now that it was selfish and stupid. Please help yourself to the food –" She gestured to the steaming plates as she took a seat at the balcony table. "- it'll just go cold, otherwise."
"It all looks great." The substantial servings Joss began ladling onto her plate indicated that the praise was sincere. "But don't think I don't notice you changing the subject."
"Oops. Busted." Bonnie mustered up a smile.
"You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to." The younger woman offered. She tasted a mouthful of the chicken and gave a low moan of pleasure. The sound sent prickles up and down Bonnie's spine. Get your hormones in check, Rockwaller! "This is amazing."
"It's okay. Talking, I mean, not the food." Bonnie clarified, feeling a little flustered. "I just ... feel guilty when I think about the crappy way I treated people back then. People who deserved better."
"You mean like cousin Kim?" Joss guessed. "You musta hated an over-achiever like her."
Oh, it was a lot more complicated than that.
Stalling for time to gather her thoughts, Bonnie ladled out food for herself. A small amount of rice and peas for essential starches, then a healthy serve of tomato salad, for vitamins and to take the bite off the chicken. And then the biggest piece of chicken she could find, because ... well, because it does taste amazing. At last, she spoke.
"Kim was one of them. Though probably the one I hurt worst was Brick."
"Brick?"
"My high school boyfriend." The brunette sighed, then paused to take a sip of her diet soda. "I treated him so badly. After we broke up for the last time, he didn't date at all for about a year."
Joss's eyebrows rose.
"The last time you broke up? If you treated him so crappily, why did he keep coming back?"
Bonnie flushed, her mortified silence making it quite clear what means she'd used to keep a leash on Brick.
"Oh." Joss's eyes widened. "Oh."
Great. Now she thinks I'm not just straight but a slut, as well.
"Yeah, uh ..." The former cheerleader floundered.
"I tried having sex with a guy once."
Bonnie stared. Finally realizing that her mouth was hanging open, she closed it with a snap. Joss smiled easily at her, seemingly over her surprise.
"But ..." But what? She's gay? So are you, and you slept with Brick.
"It was with the son of one of the guys who worked on my dad's ranch. I knew he was into me, and I figured I should at least try the opposite team before I made my mind up."
"So, uh, how did it go?"
"Pretty good while we had our clothes on." The younger woman shrugged, then chuckled, her eyes twinkling. "Then I saw him naked. In this case, laughter was not an aphrodisiac." She thrust out a finger, then let it droop limply downwards. "Experiment over."
Bonnie's peal of laughter surprised even her. Grinning widely, the brunette wiped tears of mirth away from her eyes.
"Oh god. That poor boy."
"I know." Joss's grin was unrepentant. "I probably scarred him for life. But I mean, honestly ... I just saw that thing, sticking out there, and it just looked so ridiculous." She paused, then pulled a face. "Sorry. This is probably not what you expected to be talking about over dinner."
"It's okay." Bonnie shrugged. I love how your face lights up when you smile. "They're not my favorite thing about guys, either. The first time I saw Brock's, I thought it looked scary. The idea he was going to put it inside me ..."
"You're lucky this tastes so good, or all this penis talk would be putting me off my dinner." Joss grinned again, the sight setting Bonnie's heart racing. "You obviously got over your initial reaction."
"Brick was a sweet guy. There wasn't a malicious bone in his body. He was always gentle with me." Bonnie sighed, staring at her glass of soda. "I didn't deserve him."
"Hey." Joss reached across the table and gently laid her own hand over Bonnie's. "Maybe the girl you were back then didn't deserve him, but the woman I'm with at this table is another story. You deserve to have someone special, Bonnie, and one day, you'll find them."
I think I already have, but I'm too scared to tell her.
"Do you remember the global financial crisis, back in 2008, 2009?" Bonnie watched Joss's face as the younger woman processed the apparent non-sequitur.
"Uh, vaguely?" The Montanan gave the brunette a confused look.
"That's when things changed. When I changed." Reluctantly, Bonnie drew back her hand. Better that than grabbing her fingers and squeezing them like a lunatic. "My father was playing the stock market pretty heavily in those days. I don't understand all the ins and outs of it, but he suddenly had to find cash to cover his commitments, or he would have had to sell everything at a loss. I was at Upperton Conservatory, which is one of the most expensive schools in the country. UAH were just trying to get their new performing arts program off the ground, so they were willing to give me a half-scholarship and credit me for the courses I'd already done. Even with accommodation costs, it would be a huge saving. So I had to transfer."
"Wow ..." Joss frowned, her brow crinkling in a way Bonnie found delightful. "Your dad must have been really strapped for cash."
"Yeah." Just not strapped enough to sell any of his sports cars.
"So comin' to UAH was what changed you?"
"Yeah. The atmosphere here was different than at the Conservatory. There it was all backbiting and bitchiness, just like High School. Here everyone in the department really wanted to work together and prove that UAH could be more than just a school for rocket geeks."
"Hey." Joss protested mildly. "Nothin' wrong with Rocket Geeks."
"Nothing at all." Bonnie agreed, straight-faced. I guess I should tell her the rest of it. "Getting away from my family was probably a big part of it, too."
"You're really not close to your family, are you?"
"Hell, no." The brunette vigorously shook her head. "My dad's never home, my mom's a space cadet, and my sisters make Cruella de Ville look like Eleanor Roosevelt. Whenever I spend time with them, I can literally feel 'Old Bonnie' coming back. I call my mom on the phone once a week, and I go visit for a couple of days at Christmas each year. Otherwise, I try not to see them at all."
"Ouch." Joss shook her head. "I can't imagine feeling like that about your own family. My dad's like my best friend. Well, for now. I met this really cool chick here in Huntsville and I'm thinkin' of offerin' the job to her."
"Oh. Who's the lucky woman?" Whoever she is, I want to kick her ass.
To Bonnie's surprise, the younger woman burst out laughing.
"Well how was I supposed to know you meant me?" Bonnie grumped as they rinsed the plates after dinner.
"What, you think I let just anyone ride Aimee?" Joss grinned, bumping hips with the taller woman as she passed her the next plate. "I've dated women who haven't been that lucky."
"Well ..." Bonnie had to remind herself she was angry to stop a besotted giggle from bubbling out of her throat. "You didn't make it seem like that big a deal when you made the offer."
"Well, I had to be sure Aimee liked you, first."
"Wait." The taller woman stopped in mid-rinse and held up a glove-covered hand. "First: you have your motorcycle vet your friends? Second: Aimee liked me? What does she say to people she doesn't like?"
"Okay. First ..." Joss plucked the freshly-rinsed plate from Bonnie's other hand and placed it in the dishwasher. "Of course I have Aimee vet my friends. Never get between a dyke and her bike, Bonnie. Second, if she doesn't like you, she doesn't say anything. She just sits there silently, letting me look like the kind of weirdo who talks to inanimate objects."
"As opposed to the kind of weirdo who programs inanimate objects to reply?"
"That's not weird, it's eccentric." Joss watched as Bonnie closed the dishwasher. "Aren't you going to start it?"
"Not until we're done with the dessert dishes."
"There's dessert?" The Montanan's eyes brightened.
"Home-made pumpkin pie."
"See, I knew you were a great choice for a best friend. You already know the way to my heart." Joss pretended to swoon.
Oh, if only that were true.
Author's Note: For those who are curious about such things, Bonnie's dad had to deal with multiple margin calls on some margin loans he had.
I've got the whole Rockwaller family situation (alluded to here) worked out in my notes. You'll see more of it later in the story, when Bonnie goes home for Xmas. There will be bitchiness aplenty!
So is Bonnie condemned to the "Friends Zone", or will she somehow find a way to admit her feelings and win Joss's heart? Well, since it's one of my stories, I'd bet on the latter happening. Eventually, anyway :)