Cuffs, the card read, above an embossed image of silver manacles, then underneath that, A Fetish Club for Women.
"Find the juice okay?" Joss asked. Feeling like she was in a fog, Bonnie glanced up to find the younger woman just starting to turn toward her, a bowl of take out in each hand. Their gazes met, and Joss frowned, instantly picking up on the brunette's agitation. Then the Montanan's eyes dropped to the card, and she blanched.
"Bonnie ... I ..." Joss twisted to her left and dropped the bowls back onto the counter surface, then turned to face the older woman once more. She swallowed nervously. "I ..."
"I guess this explains why you lied about where you met Reba." Bonnie gave a short, harsh laugh and rose to her feet.
The scientist blinked. "You knew?"
"You're not a very good liar." Fingers trembling, Bonnie pinned the card to the refrigerator once more.
"Why didn't you say something?"
"I figured you should be allowed to keep your secret." The older woman laughed again, mocking herself. "I certainly never expected it to be this."
"Please ..." The plea sounded so wounded, it hurt to hear. "Please, Bonnie ... please don't hate me."
Slowly, the former cheerleader turned. To her surprise, Joss – confident, ebullient, effervescent Joss – was leaning back against the counter, arms crossed defensively across her chest, eyes downcast.
"Bonnie ..." The younger woman uncrossed her arms, wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, and looked up. Her face was pale, her expression fearful but determined. "I ... please just tell me what I hafta do not to lose you."
Still feeling foggy – almost numb – the taller woman opened her mouth, then paused. I have no idea what I want to say. She closed her mouth again, lowering her head and running a hand through her hair. I ... she likes to ...
"Please, Bonnie." Joss repeated, stepping forward and gently catching the taller woman's hands in her own. The Montanan crouched a little, so that their eyes met despite Bonnie's downward gaze. The former cheerleader felt an almost physical jolt from seeing the other woman's face. It held an emotion she'd never seen there before. Jesus, she's really scared. "Bonnie ... you're one of the most important people in my life. I don't want ... I can't ... lose your friendship. Tell me what I need to do."
Something in the desperate tone of the plea cut through the foggy numbness in Bonnie's mind. She shook her head, then focused on the younger woman's face once more.
"Someone hurt you." The realization hit her so hard she couldn't breathe for a second. "Because of ... of the things you like." The words seemed to have just as much impact on Joss; the younger woman's eyes stayed red and damp, but she controlled herself enough to nod a reply.
"My ..." Joss gave a long sigh. "... you remember I didn't want to talk about my second girlfriend?"
"Yeah." Bonnie abruptly realized that Joss's hands were still clasping her own, but made no move to release the connection. It felt like the younger woman was drawing some strength from it.
"Clare an' I got together about nine months after Saffy and I split up ... then dated for about six. Graduation was comin' and I wanted to keep seein' her after school was over." Joss swallowed. "... but if things were gonna continue long term then I wanted to tell ... tell Clare what I liked. Ask her if she would ... share it with me."
"She didn't take it well."
Joss managed a shaky laugh. "I knew that she might not want t'do ... that kinda stuff ... but I was naïve enough t' think that she'd just say so. Saffy 'n' I had always done that ... discussed things and if one of us was uncomfortable, we just didn't do it. Clare freaked out. Went ballistic. Called me ... well, called me all sorta things. The details don't matter much. Are ..." She paused and swallowed. "... are we ... you and me ... are we good?"
'Good' might be too strong a word.
"I ... I don't know what to say ..." Bonnie saw the fear return to Joss's eyes, and instantly felt a tightening in her chest. Idiot! Joss needs your support. Put someone else first, for once! She gave the younger woman's hands a reassuring squeeze, and forced a light-hearted tone. "After all, it's not every day you find out your best friend likes to tie people up. But I'm not going to call you names, and I'm not going anywhere."
Joss managed a wan smile. "I'm glad you're stayin'." She looked up, the fading smile still creasing the corners of her mouth. "Thanks. Am I ... am I really your best friend?"
"Well, you were the only applicant for the position, so I didn't have much choice." Bonnie's tone was dry, but as she spoke, she put a hand on the other woman's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "But you seem to be working out okay so far."
Joss's smile grew a little less forced. "I'm thrilled by your support." The shorter woman flicked a glance up through her fringe. "Can we just ferget this ever happened?"
"Well ... I don't think it's going to be quite that simple." Bonnie admitted. "But it won't affect our friendship. Okay?"
"Okay." Joss thrust her hands in the pockets of her jeans and studied the floor. "Thank you. I really mean that."
"It's okay. I'm surprised, I admit. A little shocked, even." The older woman took a deep breath. "But I've always said that what consenting adults do in private is their business and nobody else's." That wasn't quite true: she'd thought it, but never actually said it out loud, before. It was not a sentiment that would have gone over well in the Rockwaller household. And I was really mostly thinking of same-sex couples. The current situation was much more of a 'test of her convictions' then Bonnie had ever expected.
Seeing that Joss was still having trouble looking at her, the brunette cocked her head to one side and summoned up a grin. A little humor might help lighten the mood. "Of course, as far as I know, I've never said it to an actual dominatrix before."
Joss acknowledged her effort with a small chuckle. That was expected. "You, uh ... still haven't."
That was not.
"Huh?" Oh, that was articulate. Bonnie gestured vaguely at the card on the fridge. Then her eyes widened as understanding dawned. "You mean you're ..." She had no idea what the right term was, and guessed blindly. "... you're a masochist?"
"Nah." Joss shook her head immediately. "Masochists get pleasure from pain. As far as I'm concerned, pain pretty much just hurts. I'm ... well ..." She stopped. "Sorry. I'm probably making you uncomfortable."
"No. It's okay ..." Bonnie paused and then gave a confused shrug. "I just ... I don't really understand that stuff. I think I'd freak out if someone tried to tie me up."
"Well ... so would I, if I didn't really, really trust them." Joss assured her. A sly grin suddenly tugged at the corners of her mouth. "After all, I'm a pervert, not an idiot."
"You're a smartass, is what you are." Bonnie tried to manage a stern look, but she was struggling to hold back a smile, herself. It was good to see Joss's naturally sunny nature reassert itself ... even if the conversation still felt a little surreal. She paused, fighting the urge to ask the question that now lurked in her mind, but it would not be denied. "You ... uh ... you have done it, though? Been tied up, I mean?"
"Are you sure you want to know talk about this stuff?" Joss, her voice soft and her eyes never leaving Bonnie's. "I'll answer anything you want, I promise ... but are you sure you want to know?"
Do I? The taller woman considered the question, not rushing her answer. Finally, she nodded. "I think ... that it would be better to hear the truth from you, than to just have my own preconceptions running around my head."
"Okay." Joss nodded. She glanced over at their food, and picked up both bowls. "How about sit on the couch, and eat these while we talk? Otherwise they'll get cold."
"Uh ... sure." Bonnie took one of the bowls. It smelled good, though she wasn't feeling very hungry any more. She followed the younger woman into the front room, and they perched on opposite ends of the couch. "I guess ... I guess what I really want to know is 'why'? What's the appeal of ... well of letting someone tie you up, for instance?"
"For me personally, or in general?"
"Um ... both I guess. But mostly for you. Do people have different reasons?"
"Yeah, I think they do." Joss considered the question while she slowly pushed the contents of her bowl around with her fork. "For a lot of people, it's about the excitement of bein' vulnerable, whether that vulnerability's real or imaginary."
"Imaginary?" Bonnie was confused. "If you're tied up, you're pretty vulnerable."
"Sure." Joss nodded. "Unless you know you can ask the person who tied you to let you go whenever you want, and they'll do it."
"... I guess that makes sense." The older woman considered the concept. "A bit like why people enjoy scary movies?"
"Kinda. I hadn't thought about it like that." Joss leaned forward, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but I'm a bit of a coward about horror films."
"You secret is safe with me." Bonnie said with mock-solemnity. Then she paused, considering the statement. "All of them." She added, her tone much more serious.
"Thanks."
"So what do you mean by 'real' vulnerability?"
"Letting someone tie you up when you don't know them that well."
"Jesus!" Bonnie sucked in a breath. "That sounds dangerous!"
Joss nodded. "Yeah. But that doesn't stop some people from doing it."
"But not you, right?"
"Not a chance." The Montanan shook her head. "I ... I've had a coupla one night stands in my time. But if any of them had pulled out ropes or cuffs, I woulda run for the hills."
"So ..." Bonnie set her bowl down on the floor and pulled her knees up to her chest. "... I guess there are things you can do that don't involve ... um, actual bondage? That are still ..." She gave a vague wave of her hand.
Joss chuckled. "Yeah. With a little creativity, a lotta things."
"Okay." The former cheerleader nodded, piecing together what she'd been told. "So for you, it's about that 'imaginary' vulnerability?"
To Bonnie's surprise, the younger woman shook her head. "Nah. When Saffy tied me up, I never felt vulnerable at all. I felt ... secure. Safe. Loved." Joss paused and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I guess that probably sounds crazy?"
"It's ... a little hard to understand." Bonnie admitted.
"When Saffy tied me ..." Joss leaned back in her seat, staring at the ceiling as if looking for the words to come from on high. "It meant I wasn't just a participant in our love-making any more, s'much as the ... the subject of it. Am I makin' any sense? When I was tied ... it felt like ev'ry ounce of Saffy's attention was on me. On touchin' me, on ..." her voice dropped, sounding throaty, "On explorin' every inch of me, and givin' me pleasure. I was the one tied up ... but it was almost like she was worshippin' me."
"Oh." Was initially all Bonnie could manage through a mind gone foggy and a mouth gone dry. She struggled to collect herself. "You make it sound beautiful."
Joss smiled; a smaller, less exuberant expression than her usual grin, but no less heartfelt. "It was." She spoke quietly. "Makin' love always should be."
Author's Note: So after the warnings about content, this chapter actually ended up being more tame than I expected. Though a discussion of bondage probably belongs in the 'M' category, even if it is restrained. (Get it? Bondage? Restrained? Ha! Sorry.)
"what consenting adults do in private is their business and nobody else's" is pretty much my own philosophy on sexuality. I wanted to play with that concept here. Because now, Bonnie knows what Joss was hiding, and irony of ironies, it perhaps isn't so very different from Bonnie's own secret, as both relate to sexual identity.
A quick disclaimer: I have done a little research for this story, but I make no claims to be an expert in either human sexuality in general, or bdsm in particular. But I'm completely unqualified to be a lesbian, and it doesn't stop me writing about them :-)
Anyway, there may be errors, omissions and just plain screw-ups on my part, here or in later chapters. Mea culpa.