Two weeks went by without any word from Chahna, and Bonnie had more or less reconciled herself to the fact that the Indian woman had reconsidered her promise to stay in touch. She still checked her email every evening, but with without any real expectation there'd be anything there.
Life was full of surprises. Sometimes they were even pleasant ones.
From: Patel, Chahna
To: Rockwaller, Bonnie
Subject: From Chahna
Hello Bonnie
I apologise for how long it has taken me to send this email. I must confess when I accepted your email address I did so more because I did not want to refuse you, rather than because I thought continued contact was a good idea.
Despite my doubts, I have started this email several times. Every time, however, I've stopped. I suppose I should explain why.
I very much enjoyed our time together. You are a beautiful, intelligent woman, and a generous and enthusiastic lover. Everything I could want; except for the fact that you are so much younger than me, and live on the other side of the planet.
But of course, we do live on opposite sides of the world, and you are (almost) young enough to be my daughter. And that scares me. The first few times I started this email, I wrote about how I was concerned that you might become emotionally attached to me, and how I didn't want to hurt you.
It's taken me two weeks to admit that it's not you I'm worried about. It's me.
If we stay in contact, I could easily become attached to you. As more than a friend, I mean. Which would be foolish. (The previous sentence is perhaps the biggest understatement I've ever made.)
And that is why it has taken me so long to write. Not my finest couple of weeks, I am sure you will agree. I hope you can forgive me.
In the end, obviously, I have decided to contact you anyway. I really did enjoy your company, and I very much hope we can be friends. I will simply have to make sure I avoid doing anything "foolish"!
At this point the usual thing to do would be to tell you about what else has been happening in my life since London, but perhaps I should save that for now. It would be a waste to type all that stuff if it turned out I'd already frightened you off with my outpouring above.
If you would like to talk and continue our friendship, I look forward to hearing from you. If not, I will understand.
Chahna
From: Rockwaller, Bonnie
To: Patel, Chahna
Subject: From Bonnie
Hi Chahna
It was great to receive your email. And it was also very flattering!
Honestly, you are selling yourself short if you think that you are the only one at risk of being "foolish". If we lived in the same country, I think I'd be halfway there already (the age thing is not an issue to me).
It's funny how things work. About a week ago, I was talking to a friend about some problems she was having in her relationship, and I said something like "if there's something you need from your lover and they just can't give it to you, you shouldn't be lovers". I guess that's a relevant thought for us as well. We don't live in the same country, and that's not going to change. I guess I can't speak for you, but I know that for me personally "being in the same country " is definitely a pre-requisite for a successful relationship!
I hope it doesn't sound like I am being flippant. I really do value the time we had together - it was wonderful. And if circumstances were different, I really could see us together. But the circumstances are what they are. We can only really be friends. But being friends sounds pretty good.
Things seem to be better for the friend I gave that advice, by the way. She and her girlfriend talked, and she tells me they got a lot of stuff sorted out. Not everything, I think, but most things. It's a good start, anyway. They're having a private Christmas vacation together; just the two of them, staying up in the mountains not far from where I grew up.
(After writing that, I realized I had no idea whether or not you celebrate Christmas in India. So I did a web search. What did people do when information wasn't a couple of clicks away? Anyway, I see it's a holiday there, though as you're a Hindu maybe you don't actually celebrate it? Sorry about the rambling tangent.)
Anyway, the point of all this is that I'd love for us to be friends. I agree it's all we can be - but that doesn't make it any less a good thing.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Bonnie
From: Patel, Chahna
To: Rockwaller, Bonnie
Subject: Christmas
Hello Bonnie
We celebrate Christmas in my family, even though we are Hindu. We do so mostly for the benefit of my sister's kids, as an excuse for them to get presents, especially from their favorite (OK, only!) Aunt.
Do you have any plans for Christmas? You told me about your friend's plans, but not your own. I've noticed you tend not to talk about yourself unless you're asked. Maybe I need to prepare a list of questions!
I will visit my sister on Christmas morning, to give my nephew and nieces their presents. I expect my parents will also be there, and I will probably stay for lunch, then have a quiet afternoon at home. Things have been hectic since I got back, and it will be nice just to relax.
Work has been good. The trip I was on when I met you was very successful; personally even more than professionally, I must say. We have a lot of new business coming in, which is a big part of why things have been so busy.
The hectic pace is good, though. A lot of people had their doubts when my husband gave me a role in his company, and they were worried when I took over after his death. Business has been reasonably good up until now, but we should really be able to move things up a gear now. That is a huge weight off my mind, even if it does mean even more hours in the office.
I nearly went back and deleted that paragraph. I prefer not to show any kind of nerves or strain about the business. There are too many people looking for signs I'm not up to the job. But I could do with a friend; someone I can be completely honest with; and I'd like it to be you. I hope that is okay.
Chahna
From: Rockwaller, Bonnie
To: Patel, Chahna
Subject: Honesty
Hi Chahna
Complete honesty, huh? You know, I've spent a lot of my life pretending to be things I'm not. "Straight" being just the most obvious one. I'm not sure this honesty thing is such a great idea. But we'll try it.
It's good to hear your business is going well. Glad you had a great trip – I know I did!
You asked about my plans for Christmas. My parents expect my sisters and me to visit them for the holiday. It's not something I'm looking forward to. Honesty policy aside, I don't really want to go into all the messy details, if that's okay. Let's just say that I was my dad's last chance for a Donnie Jr, but I blew it by having the wrong plumbing.
Enough whining.
Work-wise, we're getting close to wrapping up for the Christmas break. The kids are all stressing about taking finals and writing papers. The faculty are all stressing about grading those finals and papers. Same old, same old. I've had a good bunch of kids this year, though. That always makes the job more fun.
In other news - and I can't believe I didn't put this in my last email - after you left for the airport and I met up with Andy, he told me he and Eric are getting married next year! Andy wants me to be his "best man". The exact date hasn't been set, yet, but it will be in either July or August. I'll probably go over a couple of weeks before the wedding and turn it into a real holiday. Andy's insisting on covering the flights again, though I've made him promise to only book me in economy this time. I'd imagine on the long haul flights that you have to do, business class is well worth the expense, but JFK to Heathrow is only about 5 hours.
Apparently Andy's planning on wearing white ("it's traditional for the blushing bride"). I did point out that the color was supposed to represent purity and innocence, something he lost a long time ago, but he didn't seem to care :)
You said you travel to the UK every couple of months. I'll let you know the dates I'll be over there once Andy has the wedding day picked out. If it turns out you're going to be in London during that time, maybe we can catch up? The wedding itself will be in Edinburgh, but like I said, I'll be there for at least a couple of extra weeks.
I knew this honesty thing was a bad idea. Full disclosure: if we do meet, and we're both still single (I'm sure I will be – hard to find a girlfriend when you're not "out"!), then "just friends" or not, I'm going to want to get you into bed. If that's a problem, let me know so I can plan a regimen of cold showers while we're around each other!
Hope you're well.
Bonnie
From: Patel, Chahna
To: Rockwaller, Bonnie
Subject: Travel Plans
Hi Bonnie
There is a good chance I will be in the UK at some point in July or August. If our travel plans match up, I would love to see you. That will be true even if you are no longer single. You are young, and still have plenty of time to come out, if you decide to do so. Once you do, it will only be a matter of time before some lucky woman snaps you up!
In the unlikely event that you are still single, however, cold showers will not be required. But I think maybe you already knew that. We just have to be careful not to be "foolish".
I am sorry to hear your relationship with your family is so strained. I am lucky to be on good terms with both my own family, and also with my husband's family. I doubt the latter relationships would survive if I came out as a lesbian, however. As far as the "honesty" policy goes, I would say there is no requirement to disclose every detail, as long as we are open about the fact that there are some things we are not ready to discuss.
I do hope that - if we do see each other - you might be willing to discuss it then. Even if they wanted a son, I do not understand how your parents could not treasure a daughter such as yourself. I assume there is no way you could just cancel the trip and not see them?
Chahna
From: Rockwaller, Bonnie
To: Patel, Chahna
Subject: Re: Travel Plans
Hi Chahna
My parents pay for my flights home at Christmas. I pretty much can't refuse to visit them then without cutting off all contact, and I don't want to do that. However uncomfortable I find the experience, they are still my family. I'll just try to make the best of things and avoid any fights.
Thank you for understanding that I am not ready to go into details about my parents. If I can, I will tell you about it when we meet.
Great news about UK next year. Fingers crossed that our travel plans will overlap. After all, you still owe me a striptease! :)
Sorry for the short email; really busy getting all my grading done. Will write more once it's all done.
Bonnie
From: Patel, Chahna
To: Rockwaller, Bonnie
Subject: Re: Re: Travel Plans
Hi Bonnie,
I understand about the short email. It is a very busy time of year.
I see you are not going to forget about my striptease comment. I guess I can live with the consequences!
I will send a proper email after Christmas is over, but I didn't want to wait to send you this news: I'll be in Las Vegas in late January next year. There's a big conference I'm attending there. It runs from the 24th to the 27th. The itinerary is pretty packed, but do have the evenings of the 25th and 26th to myself.
I'm probably taking a lot for granted in asking this (and it may also be "foolish") but is there any chance you could make it out there to see me?
Chahna
From: Rockwaller, Bonnie
To: Patel, Chahna
Subject: Vegas!
Chahna
If it's foolish, then we're both fools.
I'll book tickets tonight.
Have a great Christmas. Thanks to your news, mine just got a whole lot better!
Bonnie
Author's Note: Something a little structurally different this chapter, as mentioned in my last author's notes.
This time next week I will be in an airplane en route to Sydney, but the plan is to release chapter 23 before I depart. I think you'll find it interesting :)