Alexander woke after some time, gradually becoming aware of the muffled sounds of his generals as they continued their celebrations a short distance away. He stretched and yawned, opening his eyes, and for a few moments tried to remember where he was. Laughing quietly to himself, he remembered hiding himself in Hephaestion's tent. Some brave ruler he was! He snuggled his face into the soft pillow he had been lying on. It smelled of Hephaestion, which both made him smile and comforted him.

He turned his head slightly and saw that Hephaestion was still pouring over his paperwork, diligent as always when he should have been resting. That was Hephaestion. He always accused Alexander of not being able to sit still, but yet he rarely stopped working himself. The man really needed to rest. They would have to talk about that.

Alexander lay quietly, observing his best friend. Hephaestion was beautiful. There was no other word to describe him. It made Alexander's heart ache to see that his beloved had lost so much weight, and that the hair he loved to play with had lost its shine. His skin shone like bronze and Alexander's gaze slid admiringly down the other man's body until it came rest on the nasty scar on his thigh. He loved those thighs, though he was aware of all the jokes about them. If he always lost to those thighs, so be it. It pained him to see their beauty marred.

Alexander closed his eyes again and lay deep in thought. So much had happened to them over the last year, the last few months in particular. He rarely doubted himself, but lately had been plagued with the nagging feeling that he had used poor judgment in some of his decisions. So many good men had been lost in his battle with Porus at the Hydaspes, and now this most recent ordeal in Gedrosia,…it was hard to comprehend the number that had died.

He wondered why he always felt the need to take on things much larger than himself. Why did he have to have it all? Could he not be content with all that he had? He was, after all, King of Asia, yet he wanted more. There had been more lands to the east left to conquer. He could have gone on to the ocean and taken it all. His men, however, had other ideas. He could see their point. They had been marching continually for nearly 10 years. They had left behind families and friends and given everything up to follow him. He loved them for it. Oh sure, he had been mad when they had refused to continue, but if was honest with himself he could not be angry for long. They had followed him and his dreams for as far as they could, but that was just it. They were HIS dreams, not those of his men. That they had stuck with him so faithfully for so long was humbling.

His thoughts kept drifting back to the horrors and death he had seen in recent months. He felt the sting of tears that threatened to fall, but he forced them back. After his initial joy of being reunited with the remainder of his army, Nearchus, and the fleet, and of course the several days he had spent drinking and partying with his men, the reality of it all had set in. Now, he mostly felt numb. He had taken his leave of his generals as he couldn't seem to get drunk enough to block out the scenes that kept repeating in his mind. He did not feel much like celebrating.

He felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest, where the spear had pierced him. It was odd; the skin around the wound seemed to be numb, but at times when he took a breath a stabbing pain would grip him. He drew his breath in a quick gasp at the sharpness of the pain, even though it only lasted a few seconds.

Hephaestion looked up immediately. He knew Alexander was awake, and he knew the reason for the gasping breath. Though the wound was healed, he still worried about the damage it had done internally. He rose from his chair and moved quickly to the bed, kneeling down beside Alexander.

He spoke softly. "Are you alright, Alexander? Do you need something?"

Alexander opened his eyes, dark eyes meeting startlingly blue ones. He tried to smile, but it turned into more of grimace as another shooting pain went through him. It felt as if he was breathing in fire. Fortunately, the pains passed quickly.

"I am okay, Hephaestion. It is just my body complaining about everything I have put it through. Do not worry, I am strong."

Hephaestion nodded solemnly. "I know this, Alexander. You are the strongest person I know."

Alexander sighed heavily. "Then why do I not feel that way right now?"

Hephaestion reached for Alexander's hand and laced their fingers together. "What is wrong, Alexander? What it is going on in that head of yours?"

Alexander sat up, pulling his hand free and then gently touching Hephaestion's face, almost reverently.

Hephaestion was silent. He knew Alexander well enough to know he would start talking when he was ready.

Alexander stood and walked across to the other side of the tent, then turned and looked at Hephaestion with an expression of deep sadness on his face. "Hephaestion, am I a fool?"

Hephaestion tilted his head and studied his friend briefly. "Alexander, there are many words I could use to describe you, but 'fool' is not one of them." He paused. "Why do you ask that? What do you mean?"

Alexander paced back and forth, chewing his lower lip as he did when he was deep in thought. After some moments he stopped and dropped down into Hephaestion's chair. "What have I done to us, Hephaestion? Look what we have become? I nearly died, you nearly died. Gods, over half of us DID die. And for what? For me to satisfy some quest, some goal that is always just out of reach for me?" His eyes filled with regret. "It is never enough for me. Why? Why am I never satisfied?"

"You are a dreamer, Alexander. Your dreams are much bigger than all of us. You are not happy unless you have a challenge to meet, something to conquer, a goal to be reached. There is nothing wrong with that."

Alexander frowned. "But at what cost? I look at all we have done and it takes my breath. We have done more, gone farther, than anyone else has ever done! But look what it has cost us? Fewer than half of us are left. So many lives lost, and for what? I should have stopped when we reached the jungles, but I did not. Yes, we won the battle, but we lost so many in doing so. I almost lost our fleet. The rest of us nearly perished in the desert. Why? Did I take that route to prove something? Did I have this terrible need to be better than Queen Semiramis or King Cyrus, and show everyone that I, Alexander, could cross that desert where others had failed? Is my ego so large that I put us all at risk for nothing?"

"Alexander, you had planned our route through the desert well. If the fleet had not been delayed, it would have been fine. How were we to know that the winds would last longer than normal and delay the ships? How were you to know that our guides would get us lost? Think about it, Alexander. When we became lost, who was it that found the coast and led us there? YOU! You did that. You took charge and saved us, as you always do. If it were not for you, none of us would have survived."

Alexander shook his head sadly. "If it were not for me, we would not have been there in the first place."

Hephaestion rose and moved to stand in front of Alexander. He reached for his hands and made him stand, pulling him into an embrace. He heard a quiet sob from king, and it nearly broke his heart. He gently stroked Alexander's hair and kept a tight hold around his waist. He spoke softly. "Alexander, we can second guess this all night, and it will get us nowhere. There is always a 'what if' or an 'if only'. What is done is done, and we cannot dwell on the past. All we can do is move forward and do the best that we can. The men still love you, Alexander. I still love you. Let's let the past be the past. Think of our future. Let us concentrate on that."

Alexander leaned back and smiled weakly at Hephaestion. "Phai, you are the wisest man I know. I truly would be lost without you." He slid his hands around Hephaestion's neck and pulled him down for a gentle kiss. "Enough of this. Let us think of this no more this evening. Come, let us go and have our supper and share some wine with our men. Let us celebrate being alive. We will deal with the rest later."

Hephaestion nodded. "Good idea, Alexander. Let's go."

The men left Hephaestion's tent and made their way towards the dining tent. Hephaestion knew Alexander was still quite troubled, but they would deal with that another time. For now, he simply wanted to help him forget. He would do his best to accomplish that.

TBC