Hephaestion spent a good part of the day going through reports with Alexander, bringing him up to speed on exactly where they stood. The numbers were sobering. Fewer than half the men they started out with remained. The losses to the baggage train had been huge. Thankfully, the fleet was intact, at least as far as their ships were concerned. They had lost some men there as well, though the numbers were not that great. Most of the horses and pack animals that went through the desert were gone. Thankfully, Craterus fared far better and had a good supply of each, not to mention the war elephants that now accompanied them.

Alexander sighed heavily and leaned back away from the table, hands behind his head. "It is difficult to plan when I have so little to work with. It is a good thing we are not facing any major battles at the moment. We have certainly taken a beating in recent months."

Hephaestion rubbed his tired eyes and propped his chin on his hands. "Aye, that is for sure. At least we are on our way home now. Anything we face from here on should be minor at best. Thankfully, we can restock our supplies here for ourselves and the fleet. Our return trip should be a much easier one. No more deserts. No more jungles. For that I am most grateful." He sighed. "I am tired, Alexander. I admit it and I hope you will forgive my weakness, but I think I need a break as much as any of the men."

Alexander didn't answer. He sat staring into the distance for a few moments, no expression on his face. "Hephaestion, I think I need to talk about all of this. I need to clear my head, and you are the only one I trust to do that with. Would you take a ride with me? There is a small river nearby and I think I need to be away from here for a while. Will you come?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "I don't know why you would even think I would refuse you. Of course I will come with you, you dope!"

Alexander gave him a lopsided smile. "My apologies, Phai. I think my nerves are a bit raw at the moment. Come on. Let us go and talk. I wish to discuss my plans with you as well and get your opinion on a few things. I trust your judgment. I will advise the other generals, and Bagoas of course, that we will be away the rest of the day. Have our horses readied if you would. I will be back in a few minutes." He rose and left the tent, needing to speak with Craterus, Nearchus and Ptolemy.

Hephaestion made his way to where the horses were stabled. His big chestnut stallion had managed to survive the battle with Porus and the desert as well. He was thin, but improving. At least his spirit seemed good. He nodded his head in greeting at his master. Hephaestion stroked the silky neck and spoke softly to him as he fixed a bridle and blanket on him. He went to Alexander's horse and readied him as well. He was a beautiful, dark, dappled grey color. It seemed strange that Bucephalus was not here. He knew Alexander missed his beloved stallion very much.

Alexander caught up with him at the stable as Hephaestion led their horses out. He stroked the velvety nose of his horse and frowned slightly.

"You miss that cantankerous beast, don't you?"

Alexander smiled wistfully. "Yes, I do. He was a handful, but I loved him."

"Have you named this one yet?"

"I have", Alexander nodded. "His name is Balius."

Hephaestion nodded his approval. "Ah, yes…one of Achilles' immortal horses. A most appropriate name I think." He touched Alexander's shoulder gently. "Are you ready to go?"

Another deep sigh from Alexander. "Yes, let's go."

They rode through the village and out past rows of grape vines and pistachio trees. It was so good to be someplace green and lush again. They came to a small river and rode beside it in silence until they came to a spot on a small hill, looking down at the river. There were fig trees and date palms all around. The place seemed like paradise to them, especially after the ordeals they had been through lately.

Alexander held up a hand to stop them. "Let's stop here, Phai. This looks like a good place to rest and talk."

The men dismounted and left their horses to graze in a wide grassy area behind them. Hephaestion took a blanket he had carried with him and spread it out under some tall palm trees. He had also brought a wineskin and two cups in a cloth bag. He sat down on the blanket, pouring them each a cup of sweet wine. "Sit down, Alexander. Try to relax."

Alexander sat down next to him, taking the cup from his hand and draining it down. "Could I have some more, please?"

Hephaestion studied Alexander's face. The joy of the previous night and this morning seemed to have worn off. In their place were the haunted eyes and worry lines from before. He worried about Alexander, more than he allowed himself to show. He knew he needed to be strong for his beloved. He filled the cup and sat back against the tree, his shoulder touching Alexander's.

"Talk to me, Alexander. What is on your mind?"

Alexander finished his second cup of wine, staring out at the river below them. It was warm and beautiful here, yet he found he could not relax and enjoy it. When he turned to Hephaestion, there were tears in his eyes that threatened to fall. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come. His throat simply closed up on him. He just shook his head, fighting back the tears and looking away. It embarrassed him to be like this, even with Hephaestion. He was supposed to be the strong one. Everyone depended on him for so many things. He could not afford to be weak. He felt a gentle hand cup his chin and turn his head. One look into Hephaestion's eyes, with their depth of unconditional love and understanding, and the dam burst. He flung his arms around Hephaestion's neck, pressed his face to his chest and sobbed. All the frustrations, fears, worries, and pain that he had been feeling poured out. There seemed to be no end to it. He cried for the lives that had been lost, the futures those men would never have. He cried for the hardships that the remaining men had endured, knowing that he and he alone was responsible for all of it. He cried for the ones he loved, knowing he had taken them for granted so many times. And he cried because his dream…the dream to rule the whole of the world…had been brought to a halt. Even though he understood it, it still stung. He cried for the loss of Bucephalus, and Peritas. He cried for the limitations his chest wound had put on him, even though he tried to play them off. He cried for hurting the man he loved above all others every time he took another to his bed. Right now, he regretted pretty much everything in his life.

"I am so sorry Hephaestion…" he managed to choke out. "I am so sorry…"

Hephaestion held his head firmly to his chest, stroking his back with the other hand. "It is fine, Alexander. Let it out. I am not going anywhere. I love you, Alexander. Remember that." Seeing Alexander like this broke his heart. He would gladly have taken all the pain upon himself if he were able to, but the best he could do was be there and offer himself in any way he was needed…even if it meant nothing more than allowing Alexander to cry on his shoulder.

Alexander's sobs gradually died down. He leaned back and looked into Hephaestion's face. "I do not deserve you, Hephaestion. Why you tolerate me is beyond my understanding."

"Ssshhh…none of that." Hephaestion leaned forward and kissed him gently. Alexander looked utterly exhausted. "Why don't you lie down for a bit? We can talk whenever you feel like it."

Alexander stretched out on the blanket with his head in Hephaestion's lap. He was so tired. Between the wine, the warm sun, and his release of emotions, he could barely keep himself awake. He sighed softly as Hephaestion's gentle fingers stroked his face and carded through his hair. The touch was so soothing that he soon fell asleep.

Hephaestion watched him as he slept. He was worried. Alexander was not as strong as he liked to think himself to be, and his breakdown today was proof of that. He knew he needed to talk to get it all out, but for now he would just let him rest. He leaned back against the tree, still cradling Alexander's head, and closed his eyes. He prayed to whichever gods would listen that everything would be okay.