Alexander opened his eyes to find Hephaestion watching him. He gave a half-hearted smile and rubbed his eyes, which still burned a bit. "I am sorry, Hephaestion. I did not mean to do that, and I did not mean to fall asleep."
Hephaestion shook his head. "No, Alexander. Do not apologize. You are human, whether you want to be or not, and it is okay. You do not have to be strong in front of me all the time." He smiled down at him. "I have seen you at your best, but I have also seen you at your worst. You are my best friend, my beloved. You do not have to keep your guard up with me."
Alexander sat up and reached for the wine, pouring them both a cup. He sat back against the tree beside Hephaestion. "Thank you for that. Can you imagine the rest of the men if they had seen me like that?"
Hephaestion considered this a moment. "I suspect they would think as I do, that you are just a man and have feelings just as they do. I do not think any of them would think less of you. That being said, I am honored that you allow me to see that part of you." He paused. "So, Alexander…talk to me. Tell me what is on your mind."
Alexander drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He thought for a few moments, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "It is as I said yesterday, Hephaestion. I wonder if I am a fool. I wonder why I cannot ever be content with what I have. Look what my ambitions have done? Yes, we have accomplished much, but the cost has been great. Has it been worth it? I am not so sure. Why? What drives me so?"
Hephaestion considered his words carefully. "Do you wish me to be blunt with you, Alexander? I will tell you what I really think."
Alexander nodded. "Of course, Phai. Speak your mind. I am sure I need to hear whatever it is you have to say, whether I want to hear it or not."
"Okay, then. I have several theories as to why you do the things you do. I think part of you is still running from your mother. It seems the more distance between the two of you the better, but I wonder if you will ever feel you have gone far enough. I know you love her, but…" He paused and took a breath. "I also think the shade of your father is continually at your heels. It is as if you always have something to prove; like you are still trying to win his approval. I think that in the back of your mind you feel nothing you do is ever quite good enough." He studied Alexander's face for a moment. "Am I off the mark here?"
Alexander shook his head. "No, Hephaestion, you are closer to the truth than I care to admit. Please, continue."
"I think your father was right about one thing, Alexander. He once told you that Macedon was not big enough for you, that you needed to find a kingdom big enough or worthy enough of you. I agree. The problem is, I am not sure the world is big enough for you. You have always said you wanted to equal the deeds of Achilles or Heracles. I think you have not only equaled them, but surpassed them as well, yet it still does not seem to be enough."
Alexander nodded in agreement. "That just proves my point, Hephaestion. Nothing is ever enough for me. Why is that? Why can I not be satisfied? Why do I let my parents shadow my every move? You are right, I do feel like I have something to prove. I tell myself that I am trying to prove something to myself, but you are correct. I am constantly trying to prove something to them. And for what? To gain approval I shall never have?" He sighed and shook his head. "Tell me, Hephaestion, what would happen to me if I just stopped? What if I went home to Babylon and stayed there? We could live out our lives there, grow old together, and watch our children grow up together. What would be so bad about that?"
"There are several problems with that, Alexander. First of all, I do not have a wife, and therefore no children. You may have that soon, but not me."
"Do you wish to take a wife, Hephaestion?"
He shook his head. "Truthfully, no. I recognize that I need to have an heir as well, but I wish I did not have to take a wife to do it." He laughed softly. "You are enough of a handful without having to deal with a woman as well."
That actually made Alexander smile slightly. "Well, Phai, if you want children you sort of need a woman. I love you, my dear, but I cannot give you a child."
"Alexander, being with you is just like having a child sometimes." Hephaestion smirked.
Alexander snorted "Hardly! Now, back to what we were talking about…"
Hephaestion grew serious again. "Yes, back to that. There is a bigger problem with you staying put in Babylon, or anywhere for that matter. The fact of the matter is that you would die if you did so. No, not physically, but on the inside."
Alexander looked at him questioningly.
"Let me explain. You, Alexander, are a lion. It is your instinct, your purpose, to hunt and to conquer. It is who you are and what you are." He took a breath before continuing. "Have you seen the caged beasts, Alexander? The lion, the leopard, the tiger? Have you ever really watched them and what happens to them after they have been caged for some time?"
Alexander shook his head. "No, I suppose not."
Hephaestion explained. "When the beast is first captured and caged, it is angry. It lashes out at everyone and everything around it. Its very nature is to be free and to hunt, and now it cannot do those things. It has lost its freedom to roam and to rule over its domain. After a while, the anger turns to sadness. The beast comes to realize that it cannot escape and that it will never again have the freedom to roam. It will never again taste the thrill of the fight and the sweetness of victory. Then, after a while, the beast simply dies. Oh, its body continues to live, but the spirit inside it has died. It is a shell, barely living and empty inside. It is broken and has no will to live any longer, so it goes on merely existing but with no joy, and after so long a time it no longer even cares."
Alexander listened intently, waiting to hear the rest.
"That is you, Alexander. You live for the hunt. You live for the victory. Those are the things that make you feel alive. Your very spirit exists for those things. It is not in your nature to be still. If you tried to do that, you would be just like the caged beast. You would go through the stages of anger and frustration, and eventually the spirit that makes you Alexander would be no more. It is who you are, and you cannot escape that. Like I said, those qualities are not a choice for you. It is simply who you are. You are Alexander. You can be nothing less." He stopped speaking, allowing Alexander time to process all that he had said.
Alexander pondered his words, and finally spoke. "When did you become a philosopher, Hephaestion? You truly are as wise and insightful as any I know. I agree with everything you have said. You know me too well. Better, I think, than I know myself. I had never really looked at it that way but I think you are exactly right." He reached for Hephaestion's hand and linked their fingers together. "So, where do I go from here, Hephaestion? When we get to Babylon, then what?"
Hephaestion shook his head. "That I do not know, Alexander. I am sure you will think of something. There will always be something or someplace that needs your attention."
"That is true, which reminds me…there appear to be issues I need to deal with soon. I want to fill you in on a few things before we return." He reached his free hand up to cradle the back of Hephaestion's head. "But before that, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for sharing all that you did. You hit the mark exactly and made me see things more clearly. I would be lost without you, Phai. You keep me sane." He pulled him in for a deep kiss, pulling away when the need for air became great. "I love you beyond words, Hephaestion. Thank you for loving me in return."
Hephaestion smiled, wanting to lighten the mood a bit. "Someone has to."
Alexander laughed. "Ouch, Hephaestion. You cut me. Now, back to business…"
They spent the next hour or so going over Alexander's plans for the future and what he hoped was a bright one for all of them. Whether or not he would succeed remained to be seen.