Chapter Twenty: Admit It

She would only ever let him do more than kiss her on weekends. Elphaba could not afford to be distracted on weekdays. Unlike him, after sex she felt energized and hungry. On those weekends, she had trouble falling asleep. She needed her sleep on the weekdays if she wanted to focus during classes. It was hard enough to pay attention with him next to her. And she had Galinda chattering at her all afternoons on weekdays, too.

Elphaba had just barely finished her life sciences homework and closed her book. She wanted to relax for a moment and sit down on her bed. What she really wanted was not to think. But of course not.

"Are you and Fiyero better now?" Galinda looked up from her notebook as she sat curled up on her bed, writing with a pink pen with a feather hanging off of it.

"For the most part." Elphaba hoped she'd drop it.

"I don't understand what is so wrong about him loving you. You said his marriage is arranged. But no one can do anything about you loving each other, especially since you don't care if he gets married."

Elphaba sighed. She realized that she had a little bit of explaining to do. "They can, though. Galinda, Fiyero left a few things out. And I haven't exactly told you anything, either. Yes, I knew him before. I was in the Vinkus. That much is true. But I was his family's servant. I'm not just their schoolmarm, although I did that, too. But a schoolmarm out there is a servant. I worked in the kitchens, too. They only sent me out here to learn so I could better teach the rest of the children. So you see, if Fiyero's parents found out how he really felt about me, they'd kill me. Or at least exile me. He can't love a servant. They'd never allow that. He could love some common village woman if he wanted. But he can't love me."

Galinda blinked and nodded slowly. "That is more complicated."

Elphaba snorted. "Obviously."

"That just seems so unfair. He's a prince. Can't he tell his parents to leave you alone?"

"His father is the king. He's just a prince. He can't tell them to do anything. He has no control until he is the king. And by then…"

"It'll be too late. You can't hide something like love. They'll find out."

"Exactly. That's why I can't love him."

"But you do."

"I don't."

Galinda folded her arms across her chest. "You need a reality check, Elphie. You are obviously in denial. And I guess I can't blame you. But you want to know what I think?"

"Not really." Elphaba knew that Galinda would tell her anyway.

"I think you should enjoy this now. I think you need to admit how you feel. There's nothing you can do. You said so yourself. So be happy with him. Love him. I don't know what to tell you to do if and when you do get found out. But you need to come to terms with it and just admit it."

Elphaba would have none of it. "There's nothing to admit, Galinda. Maybe Fiyero's stupid enough to love me, but I know better."

"Knowing better doesn't make a difference in love, Elphie."

Elphaba looked at her hands. So maybe she did have more feelings for Fiyero than lust and friendship. A lot more. But that didn't mean she loved him. "I don't want to get myself killed."

"Isn't it a moot point since he loves you? If they find that out, it doesn't matter whether or not you love him back. You know that, right?"

"I do." Maybe she could run away if they found out. Escape quickly. She didn't know where she'd go. But if she loved him, running would hurt more. Running would be harder. She might hesitate, and that could become a problem. "But I don't love him."

"Have it your way. One day you're going to have to admit it, even if you won't right now."

"Leave it alone, Galinda, please." Elphaba didn't want to think about it anymore.

"If that's what you want." Galinda sighed heavily. "Did you understand that fifth spell in the sorcery homework?"

Once Elphaba and Galinda had finished talking about their sorcery homework, Elphaba begged off and headed over to Fiyero's. She didn't want any more of Galinda's little "hints" about how she supposedly felt. Not that Fiyero would give her much of a break, but he wasn't as pushy. That made her laugh out loud. The idea that Fiyero was less pushy than anyone was humorous. Perhaps less pushy was the wrong wording. He was more respectful of her wishes and left things alone if she asked (for the most part).

"It's a weeknight and it's getting late. You never come over this late." Fiyero let her in, anyway, not about to give up on seeing her.

"Galinda's just irritating me, that's all. I thought about going to the library, but it's really barely a library. Sure, the books are there, but from what I know about libraries, they are supposed to be quiet, not have students making out in corners and girls giggling at obnoxiously high pitches."

"Did you want to stay here tonight, then? We don't have to do anything and we can go to bed at a reasonable time."

She thought for a moment about how nice it would be just to stay there every night, and then caught herself. Elphaba couldn't get used to spending so much time with him. It couldn't stay that way. But one night couldn't hurt, could it? "I could use a break from Galinda's sleep-walking. I swear, her eyes are closed and she still stands in front of the mirror. It's like she instinctively knows where it is."

Fiyero laughed and sat on the couch. She sat beside him and he put an arm around her. She felt herself sinking in to him, closing her eyes. His arms were some comfortable. Her whole body relaxed. Elphaba nuzzled into his neck. "I don't know what I'm going to do about you," she murmured.

"What do you mean?"

"I care about you, Fiyero. And that's just going to cause problems."

He sat up straighter and held her at arms' length, staring into her eyes. "Stop running from this. If we're careful…"

"You don't think your parents will see the way we look at each other? You don't think they'll get suspicious one day?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. But if we can just be really discreet around Kiamo Ko until I'm king…"

"Until after you're married."

"Yes, until after I'm married. I'm sorry, Elphaba."

"I don't care about that. I don't." But she was wondering now if maybe she did. "It'll just be even harder once you're married. I don't know how long it is between when you get married and when you take the throne, but it'll be next to impossible to hide when you have some new wife hanging on your every word, watching your every move."

"Then we'll stay away from each other. Until I'm king."

"That's easier said than done, Fiyero. Especially for you."

He bit his lip. Of course she was right. Even if she could stand to stay away from him and know he was in the same castle as she was, which she wasn't sure about, she knew he couldn't. "I don't know what to tell you. I love you."

"But that's not enough. I wish it was, Fiyero. You loving me isn't going to magically make me into a princess. And it's not going to magically make your parents forget that we're not supposed to be together, not if we have feelings for each other. And I see how your father looks at me, Fiyero. You can tell me all you want that he wants you to sleep with the servant girls. Maybe he does. But I'm not so sure how he feels about this particular servant girl," she gestured to herself.

Something flickered in his eyes.

"You're not supposed to sleep with me, are you? You lied to me."

"I didn't lie so much as not mention that my father told me he'd rather I not. He didn't specifically forbid it. He just said he'd be happier if I slept with any of the other servant girls."

She wasn't all that bothered that he had lied to her. Part of her had known it even when he'd said it; she'd just pretended not to know. "So what would happen if he saw us together, even if it wasn't obvious how you or I felt?"

"He'd probably punish you. Not severely, but enough to discourage you from spending time with me. And he'd have a good long talk with me. If it happened again, I don't know. But why do you care, Fae? They're not going to catch us here."

"And what about when we go back for the holidays?"

"They never caught us talking."

"Talking is…" Elphaba found herself flushing, "quieter than… that."

She saw him try not to grin at that. "They're on the other side of the castle. And I think we can at least stay away from each other for a week or two. Well, for the most part. The winter holidays are a little longer. And if we did, um, do anything, your room would actually be a better place because if we got caught, it would look better for you. They don't want you in my room. I'm welcome to go where I want."

Elphaba nodded. She wasn't sure she really cared so much about hiding or about how his family felt about it. But she needed to argue. She needed to fight this. She needed to remind herself about the millions of ways it could go wrong so she didn't let herself get carried away.

"I love you, Elphaba."

"I know, Fiyero. But that'll never save us."