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ALTERNATE ENDING
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This section was written from a very dark place inside me and is not for the faint of heart. There is death and despair and angst and should not be ventured into by anyone looking for a happy ending. If you so choose to proceed please do not yell at me when you are horrified beyond belief at what I did. You have been warned! This takes place immediately after chapter 11 and veers off drastically from there.
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xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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Teyla's pain pierced through John's gut as if he himself had been stuck by a knife. John's movements were frenzied now as he twisted and struggled to free himself. Panic lanced through him stronger than he'd ever experienced before. Not even when the Wraith had fed off him. Then it had been only himself that he'd feared for. Now it was the woman he loved more than life itself and his child, his precious baby girl who he had been able to touch with his mind.
Another wave of agony sliced through him as he heard Teyla scream again and he paused for only a second but the blood he saw flowing from her side actually stopped his lungs from working for a few seconds. He knew he needed to get free but the more he struggled the deeper the cuffs dug into his already torn and bleeding wrists and ankles. But he didn't care about his pain, Teyla's was far more prevalent at the moment. And he was beginning to feel his baby girl's fear and panic as well as it intensified.
He attempted to get his feet under him but his legs were like jelly from the hours of being strapped to this chair. He finally managed and then tried to throw himself backward into the wall but his foot slid in what was probably the blood that had been dripping off his wrists and ankles for the past few hours and he flipped over onto his side, facing the bed.
That was the wrong way to be facing as he could see exactly what Armstrong was doing and it distracted him from his mission. Teyla was still struggling but John could tell her movements were weaker now and he could see why. Armstrong had continued cutting and now blood covered the sheets as well as dripped onto the floor. Her screams had also mellowed but he could still hear her sobs taking control of her as her worst nightmare played out in front of her.
John rocked back and forth and shimmied and wiggled exhaustively trying to somehow land on his feet again but he knew it would be almost impossible. He tried to yell and distract Armstrong from the horror he was subjecting Teyla and the baby to but the gag in his mouth didn't allow much more than frantic muffled sound.
He felt panic and misery flow though him from Teyla and could tell she was accepting the worst but hoping John could actually get free and stop this mad man from finishing what he had started. He couldn't let her down. She was counting on him. He was counting on him too.
He jerked his body forward again and landed on his knees with the chair still attached to his back. He made several attempts to push himself back enough to land on his feet but the angle of the chair didn't allow for it. And the anguish of Teyla's torture kept knifing though him with every movement of Armstrong's knife. He could barely hold himself up with the agony Teyla was being subjected to.
He began to feel her slipping away from him and he hoped she was just becoming unconscious and she wasn't slipping away permanently. He couldn't handle that. He needed her with him forever. He needed her by his side to make him the whole man he had become once he found her and invited her to join his life. His frantic movements intensified even more.
He finally managed to buck himself up enough to land on his feet again and he didn't wait to see if he could balance, he just threw himself into the closest solid object which happened to be a dresser. He felt the chair shudder and creak and loosen considerably but it was still too firm for him to slide the handcuffs off the rungs.
He swiftly backed again into the object and felt a few rungs give. He started to believe he could do this and get free when he realized that Teyla's screams had stopped and she wasn't even sobbing anymore.
"Nooooo!" his cry was muffled through the cloth that filled his mouth as he bashed himself even more furiously into the dresser feeling the chair finally come apart. As he swung his body back and forth to tear the chair further into pieces he reached out and could sense Teyla still there in his mind but the sensation was weak and he knew he was losing her. He felt the fear and alarm from his daughter grow and knew he couldn't waste another second.
He was finally able to stand and started shaking off the broken chair parts as he darted for the bed. A spear of terror sliced through him as he saw Armstrong covered in Teyla's blood smirking as he pulled out the tiny fetus still attached by her cord.
A white hot rage filled his entire being and his vision actually swam for a second but his hands still reached for the monster who was destroying his life and family right before his eyes. Hands grabbed at the man's neck and shoulders and flung him off Teyla onto the floor behind. John's eyes darted to his wife whose life he could feel ebbing slowly from her body.
He turned and saw Armstrong struggle to rise and he flew at him, fists flying directly at his face. When one of the chair rails fell from the cuffs, John grabbed it and thrust the broken, pointed end right into Armstrong's chest. The man was not expecting this and his eyes opened in surprise then turned to horror as he saw the blood spurt from his body.
The blood was another reminder of what this man had done so he pulled the post out and slammed it into the body he was hovering over again and again with the fury of a tempestuous storm. After a few times, John could tell the man was dead, his glazed eyes apparent. He left the piece of wood in the dead man's chest and flew back to where Teyla lay, dropping to his knees beside the bed.
His breath started coming faster and faster as he reached out to touch Teyla's face, her eyes dimmed with pain but still open. He grabbed the knife Armstrong had been using and quickly cut the rope from her hands allowing them to fall.
"Teyla!" John sobbed as he pushed one hand into her hair and placed the other on the child who had been left lying on her stomach. "Don't you leave me. You have to hold on."
Her hand lifted slightly and touched John's arm. But her eyes were slowly glazing over and he could feel her desolation at leaving him and their child. She sent him waves of love and begged him to save their daughter if he could. She had faith in him even though she knew there was little hope.
John's eyes blurred and he blinked away the moisture that kept filling too rapidly for him to clear. "I love you, Teyla," he cried and the prick of despondency cut through him again. "You can't leave me here alone. I need you. I can't survive without you. You're stronger than this. I know you are."
But Teyla merely sent him back strength and the knowledge that he must get through this; if only to make sure that Torren had a loving father to raise him. John sent her his promise as his shoulders heaved and his breath was forced out of him in tortured waves.
He took a second to focus on his left hand that was caressing his baby girl. He could tell she was in physical pain as well as emotional agony and she was terrified. He tried to send her comfort but all he could feel was Teyla drifting away from him a little at a time. And as she drifted further he felt little parts of him rip away and die.
"Please, God, please," John begged through his sobs and he wasn't sure exactly what he was asking for but he was desperate. He felt Teyla's hand on his arm again then felt it drop to the bed. It was in this instant that he knew she was gone. All sense of her inside him had disappeared. He couldn't even feel her sleeping presence. He didn't have to look up to know but he did and his lips trembled as he took in her unfocused gaze staring at nothing.
He started shaking his head back and forth and pleading. "No, Teyla! Don't … you can't … I … I need you here. Don't you know that? I can't do this without you."
But there was no answering feeling inside him this time. No strength from his other half telling him he was strong and he could do anything. Her inner voice was gone and he hadn't even realized how strong it had gotten until it had disappeared. Now the silence was deafening.
But as he listened he heard the tiny whisper of his baby girl, frightened and cold and filled with sorrow as she also felt her mother's presence leave her. He wasn't sure what to do but the father in him knew he needed to give her comfort in any way he could.
He lifted part of the blanket from the bed and covered her as best he could then stroked her through the covering whispering words to her.
"I'm so sorry, baby girl!" His voice cracked at too many of the words and he had to keep blinking his eyes to clear it of the moisture that continued to gather. "You know your Mom and I love you so much and we had such great plans for you. I wanted to give you everything. And I would have too. And then your Mom would have accused me of spoiling you and you know what, she'd have been right. I would have."
John couldn't go on as despair ripped though him at the future he would be facing. But he took a deep breath and knew he had to continue to give this little girl of his comfort and love until she too succumbed to the inevitable. And he knew it was inevitable because even if he attempted to save her it wouldn't be enough.
He could tell they were far from civilization. Armstrong would never have brought them to any place with people close by and this was obviously a hunting cabin. If John attempted to separate his daughter from Teyla, wrap her up and drive her somewhere, he had no idea where he was or where he could go. And she was far too early to be able to survive for long without an incubator and special equipment and doctors. And then he'd have to leave Teyla lying here with Armstrong, and even though the man was dead he couldn't do that. The most he could do was provide his baby girl with warmth and love as long as she needed it.
He continued to caress her back and head as he told her about her brother and the new puppy they had gotten. He told her about her Uncle Dave and Auntie Julia and the new cousin they'd be having very soon.
"I'm sorry you won't get a chance to meet him. I really wanted you to be great friends even though you'd probably only see each other when we got back to Earth."
John took another shuddering breath and it shook when it came back out. He sniffed and blinked back the tears that had been pouring out of him since he'd begun talking. But as he started telling her about Atlantis and what a great place it was he felt her whispers growing softer and sensed her moving away from him.
"No, don't leave me yet," he howled, his chest filling up with misery and grief. "I need you here … for just a little longer, please don't leave me little girl. I never got to know you and now I never will. I need you to hold on just a little more for me. I need just a little more of you, please!"
He shifted his body and pressed his lips against her head as she made a final move and then she was gone. The emptiness that coursed through his body was filled with sorrow and grief and left him with a wretched isolation that nearly doubled him over.
He pulled the little bundle closer and wrapped her in one arm as he slipped his other hand back into Teyla's hair. Then he lowered his head onto Teyla's blood spattered torso and cried. Loud sobs wracked his body as the intense pain sliced through him and he realized that he was truly alone again.
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xoxoxoxoxoxox
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Ronon was the first one out of the vehicle once it had come to a stop. O'Neill was surprised that he had even waited for it to stop. The Satedan had practically growled at every red light or stop sign they had paused at. Luckily the last half hour had been only country roads leading to this hunting cabin in what appeared to be very dense woods. Luckily Hawkins knew where he was going.
The two SUV's pulled over and stopped a few hundred yards from where the cabin was located so as not to alert Armstrong to their presence. They didn't want him spooked and going off and killing Sheppard and Teyla. If they were still alive. It had been almost a full day since they had been missing.
"Doc," O'Neill motioned for Carson. "You stay behind everyone else and wait for the all clear signal. The rest of you spread out and surround the place. We don't want him getting out of there."
"Not alive anyway," grunted Ronon under his breath as he moved past the white paneled van.
Carter and Teldy moved to the right and Mehra and Hawkins moved to the left while Ronon and O'Neill moved to the main door. They cautiously approached it and O'Neill tested the door knob. It was unlocked.
Ronon pushed it aside and barreled into the room but stopped cold at the sight in front of him. Armstrong was lying in the middle of the floor, a puddle of blood around him, a wooden stake in his chest and his eyes staring coldly up at the ceiling. He was dead.
Then his gaze moved to where two figures lay huddled on the bed but on closer inspection he knew they were too late.
"Oh, God," O'Neill muttered under his breath when he saw what Ronon was looking at. Teyla lay on the bed, her feet still tied to the posts near the end and her eyes were unmoving and blank like Armstrong's. Sheppard was on his knees with his torso draped over Teyla, his hand in her hair. And there wasn't an inch of space around him that wasn't saturated with blood.
He closed his eyes at the site but saw that Sheppard's shoulders were actually moving a bit. Shaking actually and as he moved closer he heard his harsh breathing going in and out roughly.
"Sheppard," Ronon whispered gently and O'Neil was surprised to hear such emotion in the man's voice. And when he looked up at him he saw a sheen covering his eyes. But John didn't stir as his friend moved to touch his shoulder. He simply pulled his left hand in closer and allowed a whimper to escape from his throat.
That was when they realized there was something in the blanket Sheppard was clutching and when Ronon tugged slightly on the fabric, O'Neill realized it was the baby!
He turned away quick and took a deep breath almost afraid he would lose his lunch and anything else he'd eaten in the past week. God! How could anyone do that to a person? But it certainly explained why Teyla was dead and Sheppard unresponsive. To watch someone do that to your wife and child would be enough to send anyone over the edge.
He shifted his eyes and realized the rage that had killed Armstrong and he thought it was no less than the man deserved. But it didn't help Sheppard and it didn't bring his wife and child back to him.
Surprisingly, Ronon was not standing there howling with anger as O'Neill thought he would. He was kneeling on the floor with his hand gently touching the back of Sheppard's head in comfort and support. Would wonders never cease?
He heard noise behind him and saw Sam and Hawkins peek inside the door. He quickly moved over to them and cocked his head in the direction of the body on the floor. "Armstrong is dead. Looks like Sheppard killed him. But not before he killed Teyla. Sheppard's alive but I'm not sure what shape he's in. He's not responding at all."
Jack saw his wife's eyes fill with tears and he reached out for her hand just as Teldy and Mehra entered. He pulled Sam in close and wrapped his arm around her shoulder and shook his head at the two women. "Teyla didn't make it."
Their eyes turned intense and true to military standards they gritted their teeth and played stoic soldier. Ann's eyes moved to the bed and asked, "What's Sheppard got in the blanket?"
Jack closed his eyes again and whispered, "It's the baby."
Mehra actually ran out of the cabin and they heard the sound of her retch outside the door. He couldn't really blame her. The thought of it made him want to retch too.
Carson's tender voice asking if she was okay floated through the door and O'Neill realized they hadn't told the doctor it was safe to approach. Apparently he had figured he'd waited long enough. He walked through the door and immediately saw Armstrong on the floor. He checked for his pulse automatically and closed his eyes then moved toward the bed.
When he got there and saw what had obviously happened he cried out, "Oh, dear Lord." He then reached over and closed Teyla's eyes as well.
"Colonel, are you hurt anywhere?" Carson called softly to the man who hadn't budged or reacted to anything since they had come in. "There's lots of blood, John, is any of it yours? Come on son, I need to see if you've got any wounds that need immediate attention."
Carson tried to gently push John away from his position but he just curled his arm tighter around the baby and his hand clenched even more in Teyla's hair. A few sobs floated out to them.
"Come on, Sheppard, the doc's got to check you out," Ronon spoke softly to his friend. "There's nothing you can do for Teyla now. You need to let her go."
They saw John's head shake slightly back and forth but other than that there was no acknowledgment that he had even heard them. His shoulders rose and fell with his raspy breathing and he stayed curled up next to his wife and daughter.
Carson straightened up and looked at O'Neill. "The man's obviously in shock. After what he witnessed I'm not surprised. The best thing for him is a sedative. I've got one in my bag."
"Will he be able to answer any questions?" Hawkins asked as the doctor pulled out a syringe. "It's pretty clear what happened but we still have to do an investigation of sorts.
Carson shook his head. "I don't think it's the right time to be asking the man what happened. He's just lost his wife and child for God's sake. Show a little compassion."
"I'm sorry," Hawkins apologized. "But I will need to make sure we take pictures just so there's no question of what happened later."
"Fine," O'Neill agreed. "But can you wait until we have Sheppard removed from the scene?"
Hawkins nodded and Carson walked up behind John and injected the needle into his neck. John tried to pull away for a second then his body shook with great sobs as he wailed, "Noooooo, Teyla!"
But within seconds his body had become lax and he had loosened his hold. Ronon caught him before he fell and Carson instructed, "Carry him over here, Ronon. I need to see if he has any severe injuries."
Carson looked up at Sam and Teldy and asked, "Could you perhaps get a bowl of water and some towels. I need to see which of this blood is his and which was Teyla's or Armstrong's."
Sam looked down at John and saw that he was completely covered in blood. It was on his face, his arms, his shirt and most of the way down his pants. It wouldn't be easy trying to figure that out. So she did as she was told and soon Carson had cleaned much of John's skin of the sticky substance.
"Well, from what I can see here, it looks like the Colonel's got quite a few bruises and contusions on his face and torso but I don't see anything that has me worried too much. His wrists and ankles are fairly well abraded from the handcuffs but all of that should heal."
"But will he?" Ronon asked insightfully.
Carson just smiled sadly. "That I don't know laddie. Our friend here is strong, we know that. But this," and he glanced back at Teyla and the baby, "this could break even the strongest of men."
Ronon glanced around the room at his friend on the floor unconscious, at Teyla lying so peaceful and still but covered in blood and at the baby wrapped lovingly in a corner of the blanket and clenched his jaw. Then he stared at the dead man on the floor with the piece of wood jutting out of his chest. Ronon knew it was a good thing the man was already dead because after what he'd done, Ronon would have torn him limb from limb if he hadn't been. And no one could have stopped him.
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xoxoxoxoxoxox
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David Sheppard walked down the hall of the hospital trying to swallow his anxiety. Torren rested his head on his shoulder and David didn't know how the child would react to the news he was about to receive. He wished he could protect him from it at all costs. He knew how painful it was. He had lost his mother too. But he had been a teenager and they had known for a while that she was sick.
He hoped John was doing better. When O'Neill and Sam had appeared on his doorstep yesterday he had thought the worst; that both Teyla and John were dead. It hadn't made it any better when they said that it was just Teyla that had died and John was in the hospital. He knew his brother worshipped his wife and he had been ecstatic about the new baby too. Now that was all gone. He wasn't sure he would have been able to handle it if it had been Julia and his son.
But he knew John hadn't been handling it well. They had told him that John was fairly unresponsive, mostly just staring into space and sleeping. Maybe Torren would be able to break through to him.
He knew the boy was very confused, especially after they had been told. Julia had broken down and cried for hours and David had wanted to console her but she had insisted he take Torren away and keep him occupied so he didn't know what had happened. They needed to tell him but not yet. The only words John had actually spoken were that he should be the one to tell Torren about his mother.
So here he was bringing the boy to the hospital where John was still recovering. He had hated leaving Julia back at the house but Josie had promised to stay with her and he had called Tessa to let her know what had happened in case Julia needed anything. Julia's sister had promised to check in on her and make sure she was all right as well.
He approached the room and Torren perked up on his shoulder and said, "Daddy got hurt."
"Yeah," David answered softly. "They're gonna make him better though."
"Mama will tiss it better. Daddy lite Mama to tiss him."
David had to stop and take a deep breath in at those words as they stabbed through his heart. John wouldn't be getting any kisses from Teyla ever again and that thought saddened him more than he thought possible.
He entered the room and saw Carson Beckett sitting on the end of the bed talking to John who was just laying there his eyes fixated on a spot across the room. His face was covered with bruises and his wrists were wrapped in white bandages. But he wasn't actually responding to the doctor's questions in any way.
"Daddy!" Torren yelled as soon as he saw his father. He struggled to get down and David deposited him on the end of the bed.
"Be careful, Torren. You don't want to hurt him," David warned and the boy crawled toward the head of the bed.
Carson stood up and moved back to the door to stand watch from there. He was interested to see what John would do now that Torren was there. He had barely gotten a word out of the man since he had woken from the sedative yesterday.
"Daddy, you got boo boos. You need me a tiss 'em?"
John's eyes showed the first spark Carson has seen since they had found him. He gave Torren a warped smile and held his hands out to pull the child in for an embrace. One hand wrapped around the child's back while the other slid behind his head.
"Hey, Baby Bear," he whispered hoarsely as if his voice hadn't been used in a year not just a day. "Yeah, you can kiss my boo boos."
John adjusted himself to more of a sitting position and Torren sat in his lap and planted some sweet kisses along John's bruised face. He then sat back and looked confused.
"Where Mama? She got boo boos, too?"
Carson saw John's Adam's apple rise and fall as he swallowed what was probably a big lump in his throat. His eyes misted over and he touched his forehead to the boy's.
"Mommy's boo boos were really bad, TJ," John choked out, his voice almost disappearing partway through the words. "They couldn't fix her." John pulled Torren in closer and hugged him tightly. "I'm really sorry, Baby Bear. Mommy's not coming back."
Torren's eyes filled up and his lip jutted out and he started to cry. "But I want Mama tum bat, Daddy! Where she go? I want her tum bat."
John ran his hand through TJ's curls and kissed his cheeks. "I know, TJ, I want her to come back too. But she can't. She's in heaven now and she needs to stay there."
"Daddy," Torren whined. "We go to heaven and get her? We bwing her bat. Please, Daddy she need a tum home."
John just held on tight and allowed the child to sob and Carson saw him squeeze his eyes shut and clench his jaw. Probably attempting to keep himself from breaking out in sobs. He'd never seen the man cry but he figured everyone had a point where they would. And he figured telling a young boy his mother was dead pretty much qualified.
He glanced over at John's brother standing beside him and saw that his eyes were filled as well. These Sheppard men weren't so tough. Given the right circumstances they showed their feelings and emotions the same as everyone else. But they were just better at hiding it most of the time.
The two men stayed where they were near the door giving John and Torren time to grieve. Although he wasn't sure that the young lad even knew what had exactly happened, that his mother was dead. That was a difficult concept for a child his age to understand. But he knew that his Daddy was very upset and that his Mom was nowhere around.
He was sure that John would be explaining it again several times until Torren finally comprehended that his mother was not coming back. Carson's eyes grew blurry at that thought. He was supposed to be a detached medical professional but not in this case. Now he was a concerned friend.
And Teyla had been the most beautiful soul he had ever met. She was gentle and loving and could keep her head about her even in the most dire of circumstances. If she was here now, she'd know just what to do to make these people less miserable. But that wouldn't happen and he truly wondered how John would get by without her.
Because even though John had spent much of his time as a loner, since the time he had first set foot on Atlantis, things had changed. Carson had seen them change. And John's friendship with Teyla had been a huge part of that change. She had been the one to help him become a true part of the city and allow him to accept that he could let people in and trust them with his heart. And she had been the first person that John had truly trusted with anything but most especially his heart.
As he watched the man clinging to the sobbing boy, holding onto him as if his life depended on it, Carson worried. Would John go back to being that independent loner who held himself back from others or would Torren be able to keep his heart open to all who cared for him? Only time would tell.
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xoxoxoxoxoxox
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Halling threw the lit torch on the pyre and stepped back as it caught the grasses and kindling underneath. The two small boxes rested on top and were quickly engulfed by the flames. He wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Teyla and her child had been cremated on Earth and then brought here but he knew that transporting a body through several ancestral rings would have been a difficult thing. And Teyla had belonged to John Sheppard and it was his right to choose the circumstances of her burial. Halling was just relieved that he had been thoughtful enough to allow her ashes to rest here on New Athos with her people. He could easily have wanted her buried on his home planet.
His eyes moved to that of Sheppard as he stood straight and tall his eyes never leaving the flames. He knew it could not have been easy for the man to come back here while his grief was so strong and his injuries still very apparent. But it was what made Sheppard the respected man that he was; that he always did what was right.
He could tell the man was hurting even though he was trying to be stoic. His eyes were open windows at the moment and they showed his pain and anguish and if Halling was right, his guilt. He had heard the tale of what had transpired and how Teyla had died and he knew Sheppard would feel that he hadn't protected her well enough and that he should have done more to save her and his daughter. But Halling knew that sometimes even the strongest were not strong enough. The physical scars that Sheppard wore showed he had done much to try and save her. And now he knew that Sheppard must live with the emotional scars and he was sure those were much deeper and pained him more than the ones that showed.
He glanced at Torren clinging bravely to Sheppard's leg, his tears welling in his eyes and Halling wondered how much he truly understood of what had happened. The boy looked up at the man that had acted as a paternal figure in his life and he saw Sheppard reach his hand down and caress the child's head. But he never looked away from the fire, he had known Torren needed his touch by instinct.
Halling looked around and saw dozens of Lanteans surrounding the area as well as what was left of the Athosians. And Kanaan had returned from Pangora to see Teyla off to the afterlife as well. Halling was glad to see the man had respect enough to leave his partner back on her planet. It still settled poorly with him the way that Kanaan had treated Teyla. But he did wonder what Kanaan would do now that Teyla was no longer alive. Kanaan had made arrangements with Teyla to see the boy once a lunar cycle and then only when Halling and Jinto were present. Halling seemed to think Kanaan was not sure what to do with the child. But would he wish to have the child stay with him permanently? While it was certainly his right as only surviving parent, he truly hoped the man would allow Sheppard to see the boy. He knew Sheppard loved him as he would a flesh and blood child.
The fire burnt down and people started to wander away. Sheppard had finally bent down and picked up the sobbing boy and settled him against his shoulder for comfort. He rubbed his back and Halling could hear him whisper soothing words. He knew it would be difficult for the child without his mother.
Then he saw Kanaan move to stand in front of the grieving man and boy and bow his head in reverence. Halling walked closer to their side as he was interested in what would transpire.
"You have my deepest condolences, Colonel Sheppard," Kanaan began respectfully. "Teyla will indeed be missed by all. And I am sorry about the loss of your child."
Halling couldn't help but notice that Sheppard's arms pulled the child in them tighter to his chest. Perhaps it was subconscious but it was very telling. Sheppard was afraid that Kanaan would want his son back. And sure enough the subject was brought up.
"Torren," Kanaan called softly to the child. "Now that your mother is no longer here it is proper for you to live with your father. Come with me."
Torren snuck his face out of Sheppard's shoulder for only an instant but shook his head vehemently. "I stay with Daddy. He my Daddy!" And his arms clung to Sheppard's neck even tighter than before.
Sheppard didn't do anything either way. He didn't loosen his hold and tell Torren he must go but he didn't try and bargain with Kanaan for more time either. Halling could see he was torn. Again Sheppard knew he must do what was right. And that was to allow the child's biological father to raise his son in the absence of his mother. But Halling was the one who had witnessed each of the men and their interactions with the child. He knew that Sheppard was the one who gave the boy love and support and discipline and taught him the rules of being a decent person.
Kanaan usually allowed Jinto and him to interact with the child and entertain him while he merely kept them company. That was no way to raise a child. And he knew Teyla would be horrified to know her son would most likely be ignored and given no guidelines to live by. He owed Teyla much and he knew it was this debt that made him take a step forward as Kanaan and Sheppard stood staring at each other.
"Kanaan," Halling began in a very calm tone, "Perhaps I would be allowed to intervene. I understand that you feel it is proper for you to now take over the burden of raising this child however in this case I think the right thing to do is not necessarily the proper thing."
Halling bowed to each man and looked straight at Kanaan. "Colonel Sheppard has been a stable figure in Torren's life since he was small. He is all that the child knows with the exception of the brief visits you have had with him. And if you are honest with yourself you will admit that you are not always comfortable in the child's presence. You are currently living away from New Athos and only visit here on occasion. Colonel Sheppard is here far more often for business as well as leisure and Torren is able to learn much of his heritage during those times. If you insist on taking the child, you will tear him from the comfort of the arms he goes to in times of distress. And you must admit that losing one's mother is a distressful time especially for one so young. Might I suggest that we continue the arrangements that have worked so well for both for some time? Colonel Sheppard will bring Torren to New Athos on prearranged days and Jinto and I will be here with you when you are able to see the boy."
Kanaan narrowed his eyes then looked at the boy who was almost trembling in the arms of the man who had replaced him. But he had to admit that he did not always know what to do with the child. He had come for him today because it was what was expected of him. He wasn't sure if Sheppard would put up a fight but he had to admit he almost wished the man had. It would give him a reason to leave the child with him. But Halling had supplied that excuse instead.
Kanaan bowed his head and asked, "Is this arrangement acceptable to you Colonel Sheppard?"
He could see Sheppard breathe a huge sigh of relief and his eyes filled with moisture as he answered, "Yes, perfectly acceptable. Anytime you want to see him, I'll bring him here. Just let Halling know."
"Very well. Then I will take my leave. Thank you Colonel, Halling. Again my deepest condolences on your loss. Our loss."
"Kanaan," Sheppard called out as the man turned to leave. "Thank you."
"I truly believe it is what Teyla would have wished." And he bowed his head again and departed.
Halling looked at the flames which had all but gone out. The red hot embers the only sign of what had been.
"Colonel it is tradition to have someone watch until the embers have all died out. Do you wish me to do this or would you prefer to do this with your son?"
Sheppard smiled at him and he was glad he acknowledged that Torren was indeed his son. Then he settled himself on the ground and sat Torren in his lap facing what was left of the fire. "We'll stay here. It's tradition and Torren needs to know Athosian tradition."
Halling knew he had made the right decision in interfering in Torren's future and Sheppard would do everything he could to make sure the child knew where he came from, Halling was sure of it. He bowed his head and began to walk away.
"Halling," Sheppard called out to him, his voice emotional. "Thanks for what you did. I wondered what he would do about TJ but I guess I was hoping he'd let him stay with me. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I'd had that taken away from me, too."
"You would have survived, Colonel," Halling stated plainly as he walked away. "But surviving is not always living."
.
xoxoxoxoxoxxo
.
Ronon tossed the Frisbee away from him and laughed as the puppy ran to get it. But the plastic disc was almost too big for his mouth to handle and it tripped him several times as he trotted back to his owner. Torren took the toy and sent it flying again but the boy wasn't very good at actually throwing it so it only went a few feet before the dog scooped it into his mouth again.
Ronon settled himself on the white sand and wondered why Sheppard didn't just live here all the time. It was heaven. But he supposed even he would get tired of sitting around sunbathing after a while.
He looked over to where Sheppard sat, the surf crashing over his feet as the tide came in. They had been here for a few weeks and Ronon wondered when he would actually snap out of his stupor. He hoped he would but so far not much had worked.
Woolsey had strongly suggested that Sheppard take some time back on Earth to grieve and mourn and after severe arm twisting and actual orders John had said he would take TJ and spend some time in the house in Hawaii. It was also strongly suggested that someone accompany him and Ronon was elected. He didn't mind though and even though he missed Amelia it was better than taking McKay away from his new bride.
They had finally contacted the newlyweds and told them about Teyla's death and they had both been devastated and had immediately ended their trip. But John wouldn't hear of McKay coming back with him especially since he had cut his honeymoon short. He didn't think Ronon needed to babysit him either but Ronon was glad he had come.
Several times they had been out on the beach and Sheppard had plunked himself down in the sand and just stared at the ocean. Maybe it would have been different if Ronon hadn't been there to keep an eye on Torren and the dog but a few times the tide had come in and Sheppard hadn't moved. He just sat there as the tide swirled around him.
And Ronon had needed to go and actually drag him out of the surf. He wasn't sure if Sheppard was trying to kill himself or if he truly was so disconnected that he never even realized the tide was coming in. But either way, he knew he needed to keep a close watch on him. He made sure to enlist the help of John's son whenever he could.
Torren was the only one who could actually get Sheppard to show any kind of emotion now. For everyone else his expression was the same. It was pleasant but guarded and he very rarely smiled. And his eyes looked like they had been drained of life. There was nothing behind them except pain and despair and he attempted to keep that hidden as best he could.
But Ronon had heard him a few times late at night tossing and turning in bed, crying out for Teyla. Torren had been having bad dreams as well and the two finally decided to just share the same bed while they were here. It seemed to have worked although Ronon knew they were still having the dreams but they were right there for the other when they started. He thanked the ancestors that Kanaan hadn't pushed to take Torren with him. He wasn't sure if John would have made it through that.
He looked over now and saw the tide had made its way to Sheppard's knees and was quickly creeping in further. He waved for Torren and the little boy came running, Guinness close behind.
"Hey, Unta Wonon," Torren called out breathlessly. "Guinness weally lite to catch a fwisbee."
"I can see that, Pal," Ronon smiled at him. "But I need you to go and remind your Dad that the tide's coming in. I think he forgot again."
Torren chuckled at the thought but then got a sad look on his face. "Daddy said sometimes he forget betause he thintin' of Mama. And he don't want to forget Mama." The boy's lip started to tremble and tears welled in his eyes. "I don't want to forget Mama either."
"And you won't," Ronon insisted. "Because she's right here with you always." And he pointed to the child's chest where his heart was. "Now go get your Dad before he drowns."
Torren nodded and skipped off to wrap his arms around his father's neck from behind. Ronon was happy to see John immediately turn and scoop the boy into his lap and lift him up as another wave surged in. He then pressed his face into the boy's belly and blew some raspberries and within seconds the child was giggling and laughing.
They played in the surf for a few more minutes then ran back to where Ronon sat holding the dog's leash. There was a big smile on Sheppard's face and Ronon sucked in a deep breath as he saw it. It was a good sign.
"Come on, Chewie," John prodded, "TJ says he wants hamburgers tonight so we'd better get back so I can get that grill stoked up."
Ronon hauled himself to his feet and followed his friend back to the cottage. He knew Sheppard wasn't completely healed by any means, Teyla was too important to him to ever forget. But with Torren's help he knew the man had a much better chance of pushing past the pain and focusing on living again.
.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
.
"I love my new tousin, Auntie. I happy you let me hold him," Torren gushed as he sat in the den with two week old Patrick David Sheppard in his lap. Julia was right beside him, her hand right next to the child.
"He's happy you're here, too, Torren," Julia answered and leaned over to plant a kiss on her nephew's head.
She had a hard time thinking about this child who had just lost his mother a little over a month ago but who seemed to be holding it together for the most part. She knew John had mentioned that TJ still cried himself to sleep every night, though. And he had sheepishly admitted that he had been allowing the boy to sleep in his bed with him.
But looking at John she wondered who exactly that was benefiting. He was standing across the room in the doorway watching Torren hold the baby. His eyes were hooded and she knew he was trying to conceal the pain in them from shining too brightly. But he couldn't hide it; it was too strong and intense.
John and Torren were just stopping by before they headed back to Atlantis after their few weeks in Hawaii to see the new baby. But she knew it was difficult being here where he and Teyla had first admitted their feelings for the other. She knew this was true especially when John had asked that he and Torren stay in a bedroom upstairs and not in the rooms they normally did off the den. She knew he couldn't bear to be where he and Teyla had spent so much time together. She didn't know how he would do it when they got back to the city.
And John had yet to ask to hold his nephew. He had put on his best fake smile and congratulated them and even bought him a very nice present but he seemed reticent to be too close. And she could hardly blame him after what had happened to his own little girl. Julia still felt nauseous each time she thought about it. Her eyes filled immediately with tears and she tried to blink them away.
David walked in the room and greeted them once he got home and sat down on the other side of Torren. He pulled the baby closer to his lap and pressed his lips to his nose and cheeks and cooed.
"Hey, little guy, you being good for your Mama?"
Julia saw John actually shiver and close his eyes tight then turn slightly away. He took a deep breath in and she saw him walk into the kitchen. A minute later the sound of the kitchen door could be heard closing softly. Her heart broke. This was supposed to be such a happy time for all and she just kept thinking how horrible this must be for John. But she also knew he was not one who wanted people to pay attention to him and give him sympathy. That he would hate.
But she also knew that maybe a shoulder would be appropriate at some point. She knew he had been with his friend Ronon but the large man's idea of helping John get better was keeping him distracted. And that was fine but she thought John might need more; like a woman's touch.
Julia rose and excused herself, tilting her head in the direction John had gone. David's eyes grew dark as he thought of the tragedy his brother had lived through and then he nodded and went back to talking to his son.
She found John on the veranda leaning against the railing his head hanging down. She made sure to close the door with some noise so he'd know someone had come out. But he still didn't turn around.
Julia placed her hand gently on his back. "Hey honey, you okay?"
She could actually hear him swallow and see him nod his head a bit.
Her pain was still so strong from losing her sister-in-law that she couldn't even imagine what his was like. And he had lost his daughter as well.
"John, don't feel like you have to stay in the room and look at the baby. I know it's got to be hard for you."
John took a deep shuddering breath and raised his head to look up at the darkening skies. He finally turned to face her and she could see his eyes glossed over with moisture. The fact that he trusted her enough to see him that way meant an enormous amount to her.
He lifted his hand and took Julia's hand then breathed in deep again. "Look, Julia, I um … the baby's absolutely beautiful …. and I uh, … I'm really happy for you and Dave, really."
Another shuddering breath went in and out before he could speak again. He closed his eyes for a brief second then looked at her. "And I do love him … he's my nephew and uh … at some point I know … I'll get around to … touching him and holding him …. but right now … I don't think …"
John didn't get any further; he couldn't. His lip started trembling and his face crumpled and his eyes couldn't find a surface to land on, they darted from place to place. Julia couldn't stand it any longer. Her eyes filled with tears and she stepped into his arms and wrapped hers around his waist. His arms immediately embraced her and she felt his head on her shoulder.
She knew she was supposed to be comforting him but right now she felt like they were really comforting each other and sharing in their grief. She could feel his body trembling and shaking with his sobs though he tried to keep them muffled. She just held on tighter as they both let their sorrow and heartache out.
She didn't know how long they stood their sharing their sadness but she felt John finally pull back slightly and say, "I'm sorry. I know they've been gone for a while and I shouldn't still be a mess. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm sorry."
Julia shook her head sternly. "Don't you ever be sorry for loving and missing your wife and child, John Sheppard. It makes you human. But just remember that there are people who love you too and who are here for you if you need us."
"Thanks," was all John managed to get out as he wiped at the moisture on his face. "I'll remember that. And I appreciate it. I just may take you up on that offer."
Julia hugged him again and said, "Make sure you do."
.
.
Julia heard the baby crying and knew he couldn't possibly be hungry. She had just fed him. Sometimes this child just wanted to see who he could get to hold him. And he was pretty good at that. But she would get David to do it this time. She would hold firm and not succumb to his whines.
But she did peek into the hallway from the laundry room to see if David would cave, too but he didn't appear to be around. Perhaps he was downstairs and couldn't hear Patrick. Well that would stink, then she'd have to listen to the baby cry and she knew she would give in.
But as she threw another load in the washer, her son's cries slowed and then stopped. Maybe David had come up after all.
She tiptoed through the hallway to the bedroom door and glanced inside and her eyes popped open when she saw John standing at the side of the bassinet with his hand inside rubbing the baby's tummy. Oh, her son loved that. But she was curious as to what John would do. She knew it pretty much killed him to even look at her son but here he was now gazing down at him and he almost had a smile on his face.
But Patrick had decided that a tummy rubbing was not enough and began to fuss again. John looked nervous and his eyes appeared almost scared. She was just about to go in and rescue him when she saw him lean over and slide his hands under her son. He lifted him gently and pulled him close to his chest.
Julia saw him sway back and forth a few times and the baby calmed right down. Then she heard John begin to talk to the child.
"Hey, Pal, I'm your Uncle John. I know I haven't really been very sociable to you since I got here but I just wanted to let you know I really love you. I do but it's just been a little difficult lately."
He turned and sat in the rocking chair and started moving it back and forth as he continued. "You see you were supposed to have this cousin but, …"
John's voice broke and he took another deep breath. "Well, let's just say … terrible things happened and … you won't get a chance to meet her." Another deep breath. "And your Auntie Teyla, … she was really excited about meeting you but well… I guess you're just gonna have to make due with me and TJ."
John leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the baby's nose and whispered, "I hope that's okay."
But he didn't say any more as his eyes closed tightly shut and his lip started to tremble. He placed another soft kiss on the child then lifted him to his shoulder as he began to sob quietly. But he kept the baby right close against him and rubbed his hand up and down her son's back.
Julia's vision had blurred to the point where she could barely see but she didn't want to make a sound and disturb John. She thought maybe he needed to do this, to release some of the agony and anguish he felt at losing two of the people he cherished.
She backed away a few more steps and leaned against the wall in the hallway and saw David coming up the stairs. When he saw her ravaged face his grew concerned but she lifted her finger to her lips and shook her head.
He swiftly moved to her side and she had him take a quick glance in at his brother holding their son as if his life depended on it. And maybe it really did. She knew Sheppard men were famous for hiding their feelings and building walls so high no one was capable of scaling them. But she liked to think that she and Teyla had done some severe demolition of those walls in the last year or so. She hated to think all that hard work would be for waste.
But as she stood outside the door wrapped in David's arms, his own eyes gleaming with tears, she could hear John still pouring out his sorrow and she realized that perhaps a part of Teyla had gotten through to John and she hoped it was a part that would stay with him forever.
.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
.
"I don't get it," Rodney said as Jennifer walked up behind him on the terrace.
"What don't you get, Rodney?" Jennifer humored him and slipped her hand through his arm. They were looking down on the play yard the Botany department had created for the child care room and the kids there. There was lots of grass and a few shade trees and bushes surrounding the area. The Combat Engineers had actually constructed a jungle gym as well. And there was a nice walkway running along the outside. When she looked down she saw Colonel Sheppard and Torren with the Colonel's skateboard. Guinness was trailing behind.
"Look at him," he pointed out his friend. "He's smiling and laughing and seems like he's having a good time."
"And why shouldn't he?" Jennifer queried puzzled. "Torren seems to be getting the hang of pushing the skateboard with his foot. John is probably proud of that."
Rodney shook her off. "Yes, I know that but come on, you have to admit that he never smiles anymore. Ever! It's like he forgot how. The only time I see it is with the kid."
"There's nothing wrong with enjoying time with your son, Rodney. Why is it so strange to you?"
"What I don't get," Rodney clarified, "is why Torren is the only one to get him to come alive again. And I know he lost his wife and yes it's tragic. I still miss Teyla too. But it's been over a year and he hasn't gotten back to his regular self. We used to do things and have fun together but now all he wants to do when he's not on duty is be with Torren."
"Rodney," Jennifer gently chastised as she rubbed his arm. "Torren doesn't have a mother anymore and John feels guilty that he spends so much time working so when he isn't on duty he wants to spend that time with him. And Torren is the only connection he has to Teyla. He's the only living relative she had and I think John needs that connection still. You have to give him time. I'm sure at some point when Torren doesn't need him so much he'll start being more available to hang out with you."
She leaned into him and pressed a kiss to his lips. "But you know for now, maybe you'll have other things to do with me, and anyone else that comes along."
Rodney looked at her curiously. "What are you talking about, anyone else? Who else is coming along to hang out with us?"
Jennifer took his hand and placed it on her stomach. Then she looked at him and raised her eyebrow with a smirk. No words were said.
Rodney's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he stared at his wife. "Wait, are you saying … ? Are you …? I mean are we … ?"
"Yes, Rodney, we are." She kissed him again then put her finger against his lips. "But we probably don't want to say anything just yet. It's still early. There'll be plenty of time later."
Rodney kissed her this time and his smile turned into a huge grin. He wasn't sure how he would keep this inside. Jennifer knew he wasn't very good at secrets. But then he turned and saw John rolling on the grass with Torren and the dog. He had pulled the boy in close and was giving him a huge hug, something he did fairly often nowadays.
He saw John's eyes squeeze shut and then take a deep breath as he held the child against him. Rodney knew John was thinking about Teyla again. He knew he thought about her all the time. Rodney had even made a cd for him of any clips he could get of Teyla from anyone on base. John had said he didn't want TJ to ever forget his mother and it sounded like they played it or others that he had every night.
Rodney now wondered how John would react to Jennifer being pregnant. Oh, he knew he would say he was happy but he wondered how much it would hurt his friend to see Jennifer get big and round with a child growing inside her. He still didn't know how the man had survived what he had seen happen to Teyla and his child.
And he supposed when he thought of things that way, he finally realized why John never smiled and why he spent every second he had with Teyla's son, his son. He just hoped Jennifer's pregnancy wouldn't be too painful of a reminder of what had happened. Not that Sheppard would ever say it was, he never wanted sympathy or pity. But Rodney knew it would be hard for him and he hoped his friend would be able to handle it.
He slipped his arm around Jennifer's shoulder and gazed down at the playing kids again. Yeah, he'd keep this a secret for as long as they could and he didn't think it would be hard at all.
.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
.
"Okay, I think that's all for now," Richard Woolsey announced once he'd wrapped up his two hour speech in the conference room. "General O'Neill, did you want to go over that proposal one more time?"
Jack O'Neill looked up rapidly and tried to hide the yawn that had started to creep out of his mouth. "No, Richard, I think you covered it pretty well the first few times. I think I'm all caught up."
He stood up, gave the man a respectful nod and quickly followed the others out of the room. He smiled to the control room staff that had stood and saluted and then looked out to the balcony that was right off this area of the city. When he saw John Sheppard out there, he decided to follow.
Sheppard was leaning against the railing, his hands on either side of him holding the rails. He stood up a little straighter when O'Neill approached.
"At ease, Sheppard," O'Neill grunted then leaned against the rails himself. "It's bad enough we had to sit up and look like we were paying attention in there for over two hours you shouldn't have to do it now. And from what I understand today is your day off. Yet you're still here in Woolsey's briefing and in uniform. You get extra points for that."
"Well, TJ's in lessons right now so it's not like I can do anything with him," John explained. "He'll be done in an hour and then I can go collect him and we can hang out."
O'Neill studied the man standing next to him and wondered how he really was. His work was impeccable and Richard had been very pleased with some of the stuff he had done with regards to the Coalition. And he supposed it had been four years since he'd lost Teyla but there was still something about the man that just cried 'sad'.
He didn't really want to open that can of worms though and he figured Sheppard wasn't really the cry your heart out type so he kept the subject neutral.
"So, how's that new teacher they sent here for the kids? Is she working out okay?"
"She's great and TJ's learning so much. Of course she only has four students right now as Aleeah takes care of the younger kids but the children are a few different ages so she does a great job of keeping them all busy and challenged."
Sheppard looked down and what could almost be called a smile flashed briefly on his face. "You know McKay is already grilling her as to what she'll be teaching Mary when she's old enough to go."
O'Neill looked puzzled. "I thought McKay's daughter was only …"
"Not even three yet, yup, "John interrupted. "But you know Rodney, he thinks she should be studying quantum physics by next year. I told him maybe he should just start tutoring her so she didn't fall behind."
O'Neill chuckled. "You didn't?"
Sheppard just nodded wryly and they both looked out over the ocean thinking of Rodney attempting to teach wormhole theory to a three year old.
They stood in companionable silence for a while and O'Neill saw Sheppard take a few deep breaths in. He wondered if the man was trying to get his courage up to say something. He thought he was fairly easy to talk to but Sheppard wasn't always the most eloquent in social situations.
John cleared his throat and softly asked, "Sir, when does it go away?"
O'Neill was baffled by the quietly spoken words. He tilted his head and said, "What go away?"
Sheppard took another deep breath and clarified, "The pain. When does the pain go away? I know you lost a son. When does it stop hurting so much?"
Jack closed his eyes and this time he took a deep breath in. He knew Sheppard wouldn't want to hear the answer he had. But he had made the colossal effort to ask and he deserved to know.
"It doesn't," he stated blatantly and gave a big sigh. "It's something that's always there. You … learn to hide it a little better as time goes on but it never disappears. It's just something you have to live with. I'm sorry, Sheppard. I do know what's it's like and … I'm sorry."
Sheppard shook his head and then let it drop. "No, thank you for being honest with me, Sir. I appreciate it." Then he lapsed into silence again.
O'Neill truly knew how the man was feeling and perhaps his pain was even worse as he had lost his wife and child. That was a lot for one person to handle all at once. He wanted to tell him that when the pain got too much he made it a point to remember all the great things he and Charlie had done together. But then he realized that Sheppard had never actually done anything with his daughter. She hadn't been given the chance to ever really live.
He had heard rumors that Sheppard had been able to feel her emotions like he did with Teyla and Jack wondered if that had made losing her even worse. But it certainly couldn't be counted as good times had together. So he just stood nearby and gazed out at the ocean.
After a little while of what he figured was soul searching for both of them, Sheppard finally pushed himself back from the railing and looked at O'Neill. "I'm making my famous meatloaf and mashed potatoes for Torren and I tonight, Sir. I was wondering if you'd like to join us, General?"
He thought about that for a second and realized that Torren was now about the age Charlie had been when he had died. Would that be a good thing? He glanced at Sheppard and thought maybe the man needed someone else who truly comprehended what he was feeling inside. Of course he knew they would never sit and discuss that. The question Sheppard had asked was probably all Sheppard would ever say on the subject. But he knew that sometimes it was nice having someone around who just understood.
He gave a crooked smile and answered, "Sure, Sheppard, that'd be nice. But I'm warning you, you better have tons of gravy because I like a boatload."
"There's always gravy," Sheppard insisted. "But you might just have to fight TJ for it."
.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
.
"Hey, Dad," nine year old TJ called over to John, "look, I taught Patrick how to play this game and he's getting really good."
John smiled at his son as he sat with his six year old cousin near the decorated tree showing him the video game John had gotten him for Christmas. "That's great, Pal. But you know your Uncle Dave here might have a few things to say when Patrick starts asking him to buy that for him now that he knows how to play."
David saw John wink at Torren but really wondered if Patrick would ask for the game. But he knew the boy was pretty good about not being greedy. He and Julia had made sure of that especially since he had started going to the private elementary school this past year. Too many of those kids were spoiled rotten. But he remembered that their father had made sure they weren't spoiled even though they had also gone to an exclusive private school.
David was really glad that John and TJ had come home for Christmas this year and decided to spend a few weeks with them. It had been almost two years since they had last seen them other than the monthly video e-mails they sent.
David hadn't been sure that John would still keep up with them after Teyla died but he had and David was happy about that. He knew Patrick loved telling his older cousin things and he loved hearing all the exciting stuff Torren had done in Atlantis. But David also knew that many kids thought it was so cool that Patrick had a cousin and an uncle who lived in another galaxy. That gave him many points on the popularity scale.
He'd been watching John closely since they got here a few days ago and David was bothered to see that John still never seemed quite happy. He always put on a great show and said the right things but there was something in his eyes that was never as bright as it should be; certainly never as bright as John Sheppard used to have his eyes shine.
Julia had noticed it too and had commented just this morning as they lay in bed waiting for Patrick to come pounding on the door to check if Santa had come. But he had been a bit later than usual and they suspected it was because his older cousin was sleeping in his room with him. But at least Torren wasn't still sleeping in John's bed. He had done that for many months after Teyla had died and he knew John had e-mailed him and let him know that Torren still had bad dreams about losing his mother.
David wondered what kind of dreams or he should say nightmares John dealt with nightly after what he had experienced. And seeing John's face and the bags that had developed under his eyes, he wondered how much sleep his brother was actually getting each night.
But even with John's obvious fatigue and melancholy demeanor he loved seeing John with his son. They had been riding the horses and played in the yard and John had gone full out and had fun. He could see that his brother liked spending time with TJ and that helped him a little with the situation. And John made sure he spent as much time with Torren as he could. He almost wondered though if maybe he was a little jealous of Patrick and the fact that TJ had wanted to be with him for much of the day.
But John seemed content to sit and watch the boys play; like now. They each had a cup of coffee in their hands and were standing in the doorway of the formal living room where the boys had all their gifts laid out and were jumping from one to another to try them out.
David heard John take in a deep breath and let it out slowly and turned to look at him. The outward breath had seemed a bit shaky. When he looked at his brother he thought he saw a sheen covering his eyes. He didn't want to bring too much attention to it but he wanted John to know he was here if there was something he wanted to discuss.
He glanced at him quickly then looked back at the boys. "They're having fun, huh?"
"Yeah, they are," John agreed and David heard a catch in his voice, "I love watching them play. It's great that we could get them together this year. I really should do this more often. TJ really needs family around. In the city he's only got me."
"I would love for you to come more often, John and you know Julia would be ecstatic. And you're welcome any time. You know that, right?"
"I do, Dave, thanks."
John grew quiet again as they watched the boys explore their new goods. Then David heard him take another breath in and almost whisper, "There should be a little six year old girl playing with them right now too."
David's eyes moved quickly to John's face but he was still staring intently at the children. So he simply reached out his hand and placed it on John's shoulder offering him what comfort he could. John closed his eyes at the gesture and a tiny half smile appeared. But then it disappeared again.
"I was actually looking forward to tea parties and dolls lying all over the place and a little girl walking around in her Mom's shoes and clothes."
John had stopped talking again and David heard him swallow what was probably a large lump in his throat at the confession. He honestly didn't know what to say to the man though. Sheppard men weren't all that great at comfort. But he hoped that maybe just being here next to him would help to some degree.
So he kept his hand on John's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. John reached up and squeezed it back and nodded. Then John actually turned and pulled his brother in for a hug, a quick one but it was still a hug. Then he gave him a genuine smile and said, "Merry Christmas, Dave."
David returned the smile and said, "Merry Christmas, John."
.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
.
"Dad, what should I do with these?" TJ held up a few discs as he plowed through the pile of boxes in the closet.
John looked over to see what he was holding. When he realized what they were, Torren saw his eyes lower and he knew it was painful for him. They were recordings of his Mom back when he was little.
But he wasn't little anymore and it had been 15 years since she had died. And he knew he still missed her but it seemed like his Dad had never gotten over her death and that always made TJ so sad. He had tried to get his father to date other women and go out and socialize more but his Dad would always say he wasn't interested in anyone that way. And a few times he had even admitted that Mom was completely irreplaceable and he never even wanted to try. He said it wasn't fair to some other woman to have to try and live up to her. Basically because no woman ever could.
TJ loved hearing how much his Dad had loved his Mom but he still hated to see his father pining over someone for fifteen years. And soon he wouldn't even be here to spend time with him. He was heading back to Earth to go to college in the States in just a few weeks. That's why they were cleaning out the closets and trying to figure out what he should take with him and what he should leave here.
John cleared his throat and said, "I'm thinking that I should have Rodney make a copy of those so we'll both have a set, unless you don't want them."
TJ saw his Dad's hurt look at the thought that he wouldn't want to watch videos of his mother so he smiled and said, "That's a great idea, Dad. It's not like we can just mail them back and forth easily enough."
And then because he knew his Dad seemed to be upset that he was leaving soon he suggested, "Why don't we sit and watch one now. We've got time right?"
TJ knew it had been a few months since they had actually watched one and he felt a little guilty. When he was smaller his Dad would sit with him all the time and they'd watch them together. It was the only time he would see his Dad cry, at least at the beginning and he remembered his Dad would tell him it was okay to cry because he missed his Mom.
As the years went by they would watch less frequently but it was no less heartbreaking to see his Dad watching the tapes with such longing on his face. And he knew he could never say he didn't want to watch them as his Dad had insisted he never forget his Mom. But he knew he never would because Uncle Ronon had told him she was right in his heart. And Uncle Ronon never lied to him.
"Yeah, I'd like that, Pal," his Dad said and TJ actually saw his face perk up a bit and TJ was glad he had made the suggestion.
They left the messy closet the way it was and made their way to the living room. As they watched the recording he smiled at how little he was and at the silly things he would say.
"I can't believe how many times I asked Mom to read me that story," TJ recalled as they sat together on the couch. "But I vaguely remember that the water in Maine was freezing and we had to wear those water shoes to keep our feet from getting banged up. And of course that's where we got Guinness."
They both got quiet for that since they had just lost their pet a few years ago after many years of great companionship. And TJ had been grateful for the dog. He knew the animal had gotten him through quite a few hard times after his Mom had been killed. Although he never said it quite that way to his Dad, he simply would say she had died. But he'd heard the stories, though no one had ever told him directly what had transpired but he'd still heard. And it would make him understand why his Dad still mourned so much; it was guilt and his Dad was a master of that.
As if he had read his mind, John looked at TJ and said, "I should have tried harder to stop him. I should have saved her. I'm so sorry TJ that I didn't."
TJ grabbed his Dad's hand and squeezed hard. "Dad, stop. I know you and I know you did everything you possibly could. You have to stop blaming yourself. And I know you always feel guilty that I grew up without a Mom but you've been the best Dad I could ever have asked for. You've done everything for me and I really appreciate it. And maybe I don't say it often enough but I love you. I love you so much."
TJ found himself getting a little emotional and then saw his Dad had a sheen of moisture covering his eyes as well. TJ leaned forward and his Dad's arms immediately wrapped around him in a comforting embrace that always felt like a warm blanket on a cold night. And he didn't care what anyone said about his Dad, he wasn't some cold, unemotional machine. With TJ he had always had a warm hug and a caring kiss and lots of time to be with him. He couldn't have asked for any better.
"You know I'm gonna miss you, Pal," his Dad said as he eased back on the embrace but still kept his arm around him.
"I know, Dad," TJ responded. "But you keep saying you can retire any time you want and maybe it's time to really think about doing it. You know Uncle Dave keeps asking you to come and do some consulting for him. And it'd be great to have you nearby. My university is only about an hour from Uncle Dave and Auntie Julia. And you know they'd be thrilled to have you around. They tell you that every year when we go for a visit."
John nodded his head and gave his son a smile. "You know, that's probably not a bad idea. Maybe I'll start putting together a letter and send it to General Lorne at the SGC. He never quite understood how he got that position over me."
"So you never told him you turned it down?" TJ questioned.
John shrugged. "He didn't need to know. But I think he realized that I needed to stay in Atlantis and make sure you got a chance to be with your people."
TJ rolled his eyes. "Mom's people you mean. And I do love the Athosians but really, why would anyone want to live without video games?"
John snorted with laughter. "No one would ever be able to guess that you weren't truly my own flesh and blood."
"But I am your son," TJ insisted and hugged his Dad tighter. "And there's no one who could ever dispute that. And I've never been prouder to have you for a Dad."
"Thanks, Pal," John whispered gruffly. "And I've never been prouder to have you for a son. You've been the best one I could ever have hoped for. If it hadn't been for you, I know I never would have made it this far."
"Yes, you would have, Dad. I know how strong you are and how strong you've been and I appreciate all the strength you gave to me. I know that I'll be able to get through anything now too. Just like you."
"I'm glad that you'll be able to get through anything, especially now that you'll be back on Earth. It will make me sleep a bit easier at night. But it still won't make me miss you any less."
TJ just rolled his eyes again and grabbed his father's hand to pull him off the couch. "Come on, Dad. Let's go finish cleaning out that closet."
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"Incoming wormhole!" the gate tech announced then added, "It's General Sheppard's IDC."
"Lower the shield," Rodney McKay ordered as he muttered, "he was supposed to be another few hours at the diplomatic talks. Wonder why he's back so early."
The wormhole rippled and a few figures rushed through and Rodney's eyes flew open when he saw Ronon carrying Sheppard through, trailing blood. They were both filthy as were the two other soldiers who followed them through.
"I need a medical team standing by in the infirmary," Ronon yelled but didn't stop as he hefted his friend down the stairs.
Several minutes later in the infirmary, McKay wanted to know what had happened.
"An explosive was set off in the chamber meeting hall. Sheppard was pretty close to the blast. Several others were killed who were sitting near him."
Rodney grumbled and knew he'd have to talk with the Coalition members and find out who could possibly have done this but that would have to wait until he found out how John was.
Fifteen minutes later Torren had joined them in the waiting room and they anxiously looked around for news of some sort. They all looked up when Jennifer entered the room, her face gloomy.
"He's got massive internal bleeding and a few broken bones. I want to get him into surgery to see what I can do but his blood pressure is too low right now. I need to get him stabilized first before I can do anything. If you want to see him, you can go in. But I don't want anyone disturbing him or asking any questions. He needs to remain calm."
They all nodded and moved to the back where he was settled in a bed, tubes and wires attached in many places. Torren walked to the bed and lifted his hand to hold it. He wanted his Dad to know someone was here for him. His Dad had always been there for him. It hadn't mattered if it was only a scraped knee or something worse.
John's eyes started to flutter and open a slit. A huge smile came upon his face and TJ wondered where that came from. He hadn't seen one that real or genuine in a long time. Maybe since his Mom had died and then he really only remembered them from the recordings they had.
"Hey, Sweetie," John mumbled as his eyes seemed to focus on some point across the room.
"Sweetie?" McKay questioned puzzled at the endearment.
Torren shook his head and took a deep breath. "He only ever called Mom that."
He looked at his Dad and saw his eyes flash with longing and his smile grew even bigger. He attempted to lift his hand and a soft whisper escaped his mouth.
"Be … right … there."
His hand extended as if reaching for something and another soft word fluttered out. "Tey … la."
Then Torren saw his hand drop and a loud beeping sound started as the line on his heart monitor fell flat.
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The first thing John noticed was the pain. It was gone. And he wasn't talking about the physical pain from the explosion or his advancing age. He was talking about the intense pain he had lived with for fifteen years. The one that ate him up during the day and had kept him awake many nights. The deep empty ache that he had lived with since his reason for living had been taken away.
He looked around and saw he was in a place that was all softness and comfort and immediately had him feeling at home. It was hazy when he first looked around but little by little thing began to clear.
And the first thing he saw was her. Teyla.
"Teyla!" His heart ached at the sight of her and she was still as beautiful as the last time he'd seen her. He knew why he'd never gotten over her. She was a part of him and how could he live with a part of himself missing.
"You should not be here, yet, John," she gently scolded and he loved hearing her voice even in censure.
He took her hand and pulled her close. "I couldn't do it any more, Teyla. I couldn't pretend that I was fine any longer. I haven't been fine since you left."
Teyla pressed her lips against his and the sweetness of them immediately rushed back in his memory. She lifted her hand to his chest and said, "I have always been right here, John. I never left you."
John lifted his hand to cover hers and smiled at her. Then she turned and began to walk away. He followed and asked, "Teyla, what happened to …?"
He never finished his sentence because suddenly Teyla was standing in front of him again and now she was holding an infant. He gazed down at the child squirming in her arms and tears flowed from his eyes. The same tears he had told Torren were okay to cry when he missed his Mom.
Teyla held the child out and John lifted her and cradled her close to his chest.
"Not a day went by that I didn't think of you," he confided to the baby. "I'm so glad to finally meet you. Hey, baby girl. I'm your Daddy."
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Okay, so no screaming because you had all been warned. This was something I just needed to get out. Right now my sister-in-law is riddled with cancer and unless some miracle happens she will be leaving her precious six year old son without a mother. This has put me in a very dark filled place and it's there that this part of the story came from. It took me a while to finish it as the monitor would get too blurry to see at times. But it needed to be written because it wouldn't leave me alone until I did.
So if you ventured here and are now thoroughly depressed, I suggest you go back and read chapter 16 again. That is the one TRUE ending to this story. And again no screaming because I gave you fair warning.
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