Chapter Thirty-Two: Don't Be Afraid

She woke up to find his arms around her. The sun was not all of the way up yet, and she knew she didn't have to get up yet. She'd been so tired lately, though she knew what the reason for that was. It felt like her body had been invaded by an unwelcome parasite. Perhaps that was a harsh way of putting it, but considering the predicament it had put her in, it wasn't altogether inaccurate. Elphaba had thrown up once or twice the past week – which was how Galinda had found out.

That had not been her favorite conversation. The second time she'd thrown up, she'd come out of the bathroom and Galinda had stood there, hands on her hips, looking at her with both sympathy and expectancy. "Why, Elphie, I think you might be pregnant." Galinda never beat around the bush.

At first she had fought, denied it, but she hadn't lasted long against Galinda's persistence. Her voice had barely been audible when she had said, "I think you're right."

It had taken days to tell Fiyero. She'd had to do research first. Elphaba had known the moment she had admitted she was pregnant that they could not keep the child. She wasn't sure she'd want to, anyway, not with school and everything. Not that it mattered.

Still, the idea of what had to happen wasn't one she enjoyed. It didn't sound the least bit pleasant. Of course, no medical procedure was pleasant, but this just sounded… awful. Part of her was happy Fiyero would at least be nearby to comfort her. She didn't know how much good she'd do him – she was pretty sure that after something like that her interest in sex might decline for days or weeks. But there was more to their relationship than that, despite the fact that all of those other things scared her.

She couldn't believe she was stupid enough to put herself through this. But she hadn't been thinking that night when he had snuck into her bedroom, at least not about practical matters. Later, the thought had come to her briefly, but she knew the chances were small and any math she did after the fact would only be a guess at the best. She'd put it out of her mind after that. Perhaps she should've been watching for it, instead.

After twenty more minutes of not being able to fall back to sleep, Elphaba finally rose from the bed, waking Fiyero. She had hoped she wouldn't wake him, but she figured she likely would. Since the night she'd fled his bed after making love, he'd been a lighter sleeper. Elphaba looked over towards Galinda's bed to see if her roommate was awake. She didn't want to talk to Fiyero if Galinda was still asleep. It would be rude to wake her up.

But Galinda was not in her bed. She'd left a note on Elphaba's desk telling her she'd snuck down to Pfanee and Shen-Shen's to give Fiyero and her some privacy. Elphaba wished she hadn't done that. It wasn't necessary. So, finally, she faced Fiyero again.

"Did you sleep well?" It was the only question she could think to ask.

"Not exactly. Did you?"

She shook her head. Clearly they were both so nervous about the whole problem that sleeping soundly had not quite been an option. "It was just an eventful day yesterday, I guess."

He got up and kissed her. "It was. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Yero. I've told you that."

"It's a new day. I was just checking."

He was going to drive her crazy. She sat back down on her bed. "If I don't feel right, I'll tell you, okay?"

"It's not just you… there's something inside you, too."

"It is just me," she insisted. "This," she gestured to her stomach, "doesn't exist. It won't exist soon. Let's please not treat it as if it's already alive. It never will be." Elphaba did not wish to get sentimental about this. She couldn't, not if she was going go through with the procedure.

Fiyero was quiet for a moment. "I… I know that."

He would make a good father, wouldn't he? But he could never be the father to her children. She could never be a mother at all, not if she and Fiyero were to continue. And even if they didn't continue, and she did leave Kiamo Ko eventually, the chances of there ever being someone else were slim. But she didn't want to be a mother anyway, she reminded herself. At least she didn't want to at this moment. Perhaps he'd father someone else's children. She didn't wish to think about that. "Yero, please. Don't make this harder than it is."

"I just worry, that's all."

"You think I'm not scared, Yero?" She didn't want to admit this, but his nerves were getting to her, too. "But stressing over it isn't going to do either of us any good."

He bit his lip. "If you say so."

She leaned into him. "You'll be nearby the whole time." Elphaba found the thought a little comforting.

"I wish you didn't have to…"

"Stop, Yero."

"I'm sorry. I love you, Fae."

"I love you, too. But there's a week and a half until we go to the City. You can't act like this for that long."

"I can try."

"Very funny." Elphaba sighed and looked at the clock. "I have to get ready for class." She began undressing and reached for her oils. "Don't try to 'help' me, Fiyero. We don't have time for that."

"I hadn't even started thinking about that. Thanks for distracting me by mentioning it."

She cleaned herself quickly and dressed again. Elphaba went to her desk to grab her books. "And you have homework to do, Fiyero. I know you didn't finish your homework last night. So you should head back to your apartment. You can walk out with me." She opened the door.

He followed her out. "Can I come over after classes?"

"No. I'll not have fussing over me. Please, Fiyero."

She thought that maybe he would attempt to stop by her room that evening anyways, but he obeyed her wishes and stayed away. But of course, she was still pestered by Galinda.

"So you're going into the City next weekend, then?"

Elphaba nodded.

"You're scared." It wasn't a question.

"It's a little unnerving, but I'll be fine, Galinda." Elphaba did not want people to tell her how afraid she should be, lest it actually make her afraid.

"Fiyero's going with you, right?"

"He insisted. Yes."

"Good. Someone might need to take care of you afterward."

She wished Galinda would stop scaring her. "We'll only be there two days. We have to get back in time for Monday classes."

"I think you could miss class for just a day or two for something like this."

"I'll be fine."

"Let's just see how you feel when you get back. I hope you're taking a carriage? Public transportation is so disgusting these days. And after such a thing, you'll probably want to be a little more comfortable."

"We are, only because Fiyero's insisting."

"Just be careful, Elphie."

"You say that about everything."

She threw herself into her schoolwork for the rest of the week. On Friday night, she went to Fiyero's. Elphaba dreaded going, though. He'd probably only obsess over the whole situation. But it was better than Galinda, who hadn't stopped bothering her. So she went, anyway.

He held her like she was glass that evening. She had to coax him into making love, reminding him it wouldn't hurt her. Somehow, despite the fact that he was so tender and gentle, he still made her cry out and tremble. She tried not to tremble at the thought of what was to happen the next weekend…