She remembered it was raining hard on that particular day - midnight to be exact.
Arizona didn't know what drove her to still push through despite the weather.
She seemed to have missed it, going through the morning newspaper to check for the forecast. She had made a mental list of everything that she needed to do, but that.
She remembered the ring that her mom gave her, when her dad proposed, though. Remembered how she did all that she could to keep it hidden from anyone's reach for months. Remembered how heavy the ring was, as it sat heavily on the inside of her pocket as she rambled a few words towards the brunette.
She remembered the pent-up frustration she had when it rained hard, and how she had no choice but to just pull Amelia out of the park, across the street, and to just do it on a nearby street shed. To propose to her under a fucking street shed because Arizona obviously hadn't thought this through.
But she loved her, loved Amelia - and everything about her. Nothing else mattered at that point. Nothing. Not even the fact that she was barely struggling to keep it together, on the brink of failing because maybe Arizona was not meant for surgery. They were both on their 4th-year residency at Hopkins, practically broke, living off through pull-out couches and quick showers at the hospital because they couldn't afford to get a plumber to fix their shower at home. But that didn't matter.
Amelia was thriving on her own. All the attendings said she'd excel in neurosurgery, and that was the exact path where she was heading at. And Arizona, despite being lost and still unsure of what she really wanted, figured she could deal with all of that later. What mattered was Amelia, loving her hard - and showing her much she was worth it. That she had been ready since the day they met.
She remembered how her cheeks ached from smiling too hard. How her hands were shaking as she finally pulled out the ring from her pocket, and how she mentally made a joke that kneeling down for Amelia would just be too damn predictable and so she just simply went on to ask her instead - with pleading eyes.
Arizona has already had the entire night mapped out on how it was going to be like, how it was going to end - right from the smallest of details. The night was going to end like how it always did, with them together. With Amelia finally saying what she wanted to hear, followed by Arizona pulling her in for a kiss or a hug. They'd end the night tangled up in sheets at their small, cramped, apartment, with exchanges of "I love yous", and promises and dreams they planned of fulfilling together.
What Arizona didn't expect though was the rain pouring down hard, to the same extent as Amelia cried harder.
How for the first time in years of being together, Arizona couldn't get a read on her. Couldn't see her. When Amelia shook her head hard, as she pulled away from Arizona's grasp, gesturing that she couldn't accept her ring. The proposal. Her love.
She remembered all the questions that went running right into her head. Remembered how it felt as though a brick slammed her right in the chest. How her brain barely had time to register what it meant for them, for her. She didn't know what to do, not when all her life since knowing Amelia she had expected a yes, and yet she was now instantly left with nothing but a why.
Devastated and even more lost because she thought the day couldn't get even worse until Amelia left with nothing but an apology. Not even an explanation why she decided to end the 3-year relationship they worked so hard to build.
That was the last time she saw Amelia Shepherd.
A couple more years later, after her fellowship — Arizona moved to Seattle to work as an attending surgeon. Not less than a year after that, she then got promoted as the chief of pediatric surgery.
Arizona couldn't exactly remember that specific moment when things took a turn for her in the best way. All she could remember was that she was on the brink of failing, a close inch of being kicked out at Hopkins with a broken heart and a box with an unworn ring.
But instead of moping around, being scared shitless without her — she made use of the pain she went through to better herself. Even if Amelia hadn't been clear as to why she rejected her, Arizona was not dumb enough to connect all the dots. She left because Arizona could never be good enough for her. She wished Amelia had been honest and brave enough to tell her that. She could have taken every hit and blow — anything just for Amelia to say they weren't over but Amelia had already left Hopkins.
She badly wanted to move on, badly wanted to prove to herself that she could do and be better. She worked sweat and tears to get to where she was — until it was the only thing she knew how to do. She did anything that she could forget Amelia, and how much she had hurt her. Until Amelia suddenly became a distant memory.
Days eventually turned into weeks — then months. Until Arizona had finally come to full terms that they were really over and that she'd never come back. That the ring would still be where it had always been, deep in her pocket. Until she stopped carrying it with her one day and thought to herself that no one could ever come close to Amelia. And if she had decided on that, then she had also decided that she could never come close to marrying anyone else even in the near future.
Her world sucked without Amelia in it, but she was thriving in her own career in the medical field — bagging grants and recognition everywhere she went.
At least that was something she could be thankful for from Amelia.
Although some nights, she wondered what her life could have been if Amelia hadn't rejected her.
She knew in her heart they'd still be together, being supportive of each other's careers and loving each other hard.
Midnights like this, she often wondered if Amelia could still be thinking about her. If she'd still see her face among the countless men and women she slept with.
If she had even moved on.
Some nights when she was blackout drunk, Arizona would think of calling her - and asking her why she'd leave her just like that as if she never mattered to her at all. Of how she could easily walk out on their relationship.
There were times she'd still find herself screaming Amelia's name when she'd come off hard from any woman she'd have a careless fuck with at the bar. There were times she fought herself hard enough not to look for her. Times when she was worried if she was even alive.
Wondered if Amelia had already found someone else, or worse, had married someone she thought could be the love of her life. Wondered what could have Amelia seen in that person she'd end up marrying and what was it that Arizona didn't have.
She hadn't been close to death ever in her life, but the thought of Amelia with someone else made her want to die.
And what was worse than that was the fact that there was nothing Arizona could do about it
April was Arizona's best friend. She'd literally do anything for her. Anything that had nothing to do with looking after her kid, that is.
There was this misconception about her that she'd be good at taking care of one just because she was a pediatric surgeon, absolutely not.
Treating babies and small children was what she was good at. Being tasked to fetch them from school and look after them while their mom was stuck in surgery was a different story.
But here she was at Harriet's school, waiting for April's kid to come out of class — because April did say she should come early, and that it was carpool day, god knows what the fuck that even meant.
April told her it was a small initiative she did with the moms. Taking turns fetching their kids from school, and driving them to their respective homes. Arizona thought that was a lazy excuse for the moms, but who was she to judge when she wasn't exactly one?
Plus, it was not exactly that bad.
She missed the kid anyways. She wasn't exactly the best godmother but Arizona would always try to do her best to be one. The bonus was all the hot moms waiting at the same time as her at the entrance of the school.
April told her to get there early which also explained the reason why Arizona was the first person anyone would see at the assembly area, looking absolutely clueless as she stood by herself, waiting for the bell to ring. The heat was unbearable, she wished she had worn anything but a blazer and a pair of dark slacks and heels. Hell it had been a while, she had no idea if there was a specific dress code when fetching kids to school, so she decided to wear something formal to be sure. She looked almost laughable being the only one in the formal attire, compared to the other moms with their typical sundresses and basic shirt and jeans but she couldn't care less.
Arizona wanted to see the kid and be out as quickly as possible.
She crossed her arms across her chest, taking a quick glance back at her smartwatch to check the time. Only a couple more minutes before 3PM. She sighed, pulling her sunglasses up as they settled on the top of her head. While she was killing time, a woman approached her. In her mid-30s, brunette with green eyes. Hot. Obviously hot, and painfully taken Mom – Arizona assumed. Not that she had plans of flirting with the moms.
Well if the opportunity came to her then who was she to deny it?
"This is the first time I've seen you here so I'm guessing –"
"Your guess is right," Arizona interjected, staring her down before shifting her eyes back to the entrance. Not a mom. Not from around here. Not in a relationship - if you were to ask as well.
The brunette found herself nodding, slightly grinning as she stood closer to Arizona. "And you're here to pick up whose kid, exactly?"
"April Kepner's."
The brunette looked amused, running a hand through her hair. "Then I guess you also know it's carpool day, right?"
Arizona nodded, earning an internal secondhand embarrassment, realizing she'd forgotten to ask April which kid should she pick up aside from Harriet. God, that one important thing and she already missed it – she'd definitely been nailing this whole babysitting thing. Just fucking great.
Arizona highkey hoped the woman beside her would know just who might that be.
"Shit, would you judge me if I ask you who I'm picking up aside from Harriet – I mean… to be fair April forgot to tell me–"
The brunette laughed as she shook her head, and if the circumstances had been different - Arizona believed it was the perfect opportunity to say something nice, flirt a bit because she was allowed and the woman was beautiful beyond words but now wasn't the time. "I'm not going to judge you." She trailed off, clearing her throat. "I actually think it's cute. You're cute, too." She responded with a smirk and that got Arizona even more drawn to her.
Oh, hello.
"His name is Scout Derek Lincoln. Cute kid, with blonde hair, and blue eyes. It wouldn't be too hard to miss him because he and Harriet are usually inseparable." Arizona lets out a sigh of relief upon knowing that information, taking one matter at a time – Arizona took a bold move to ask something else.
"Got it. And your name?" She casually asked, a cocky eyebrow being raised because the bell could ring any minute now and she knew that as soon as that'd happened, there'd be a wave of children that would spill out right through the door, and she'd lose her chance with this woman.
The brunette giggled, amused at Arizona's persistence and so in a swift motion, she eyed Arizona's phone in the inside pocket of her blazer. When Arizona finally caught a glance of where she was looking, she briefly looked down and pulled out her phone from her pocket giving it to her.
The woman hastily typed in her phone number and returned it back in Arizona's possession. Before Arizona could even take a look at her newly added contact in her phone, the bell finally rang – and the mystery brunette had already disappeared.
She spotted Harriet from afar and waved back with a huge grin, a blonde boy following her not too far behind - Arizona assumed it must be Scout. She lets out a satisfied sigh, relieved to have found them so quickly. While she was making her way toward them, Arizona took a brief moment to look back at her phone to get the woman's name. A certain Brooke Reed popped up together with her phone number and email. and just, w ow.
The woman must have been definitely interested in Arizona to even leave her personal email to her.
She clicked her name and shot a quick text to give out her number and name in return. Harriet came running down the stairs to greet her with a hug, tiny little arms wrapped around her thighs and Arizona smiled, peering down to carry her up. "I've missed you too, kid."
Not too long after that, Arizona felt another pair of arms being wrapped against her waist as well. Scout looked absolutely adorable. Plump blue eyes stared right back as he propped his chin against her leg, begging to be picked up as well. The sight warmed her heart at how Scout could be so forward and open to someone he just met. Without hesitating, Arizona also picked him up until she had both 5-year-olds held up against both sides of her waist.
Arizona had to admit, she was not exactly a fan of kids. Not exactly hate, but being a pediatric surgeon was both a blessing and a curse as she had to deal with sick children every day. She has always found herself to be at her toes whenever she was around them – always distanced herself whenever she had colleagues or friends who'd ask to look after any of their kids because Arizona believed she was incapable of doing anything but treating sick children. Children need love and affection, and that had been something that Arizona has yet to learn how to give.
That didn't mean she feel for them any less.
She loved being sandwiched between two adorable kids as any grown adult would feel.
"Let's get you guys home."
Thank god for April and for setting up the booster seats for her. Arizona knew she should have taken the time to learn it herself but she also got pulled into an emergency surgery by the time she was about to ask April how it was done anyways.
She was glad she did because it looked more complicated than it looked, let alone if she was doing it for two kids.
Arizona made some small talk with the kids as she was occupied fixing all her things from the back of her car. She quickly hid all the medical journals she had and stacked them up in the trunk. "I'm sorry if Mommy can't make it, she's —"
"I know, I know Mommy's busy saving lives!" Harriet exclaimed gleefully. Arizona smiled, impressed that Hariett was completely aware and understanding of April's job at such a young age. She helped her buckle up and promised Harriet she and Arizona could get ice cream if her Mom would be okay with it later.
She shifted her attention back to Scout, tilting her head playfully, "And what about you, little man?"
Scout seemed occupied with the stuffed toy – oddly a stuffed sloth , he was carrying. He managed to answer her question without looking, while he shrugged his shoulders coolly. "Oh, my Mommy's also a superhero."
Arizona giggled, "Oh, I bet she is."
"She is!" Harriet grinned, "Scout show it!" She urged him on as soon as Arizona had also settled Scout on the booster.
"Show me, what?" Arizona asked.
"The superhero pose. Scout, show it!" Harriet insisted, giving a quick nudge on his shoulder and gesturing him to let go of the toy he was holding to do the deed.
That got Scout slightly annoyed, a tiny frown contorting his features. "You do it!"
"No, you do it —" Harriet cried out, earning a wince from the blonde. She quickly intervened, forcing a smile as she wedged a hand in between the two booster seats.
"Okay, why don't you both show me how it's done and Aunt Arizona will follow. How does that sound?" She proposed.
She sucked at mediating fights — especially one that involved two small children but she hoped this would be enough to get them to stop. Frankly, Arizona honestly had no idea how to handle the situation if it got any worse.
Both Scout and Harriet seemed convinced by the idea, as they both shared a knowing look. And without another passing minute, both kids sat up straight as they pulled themselves forward from their booster seats. Each took a deep breath, as they parked their heads up, hands firmly planted on both sides of their waists.
Like a superhero.
And it dawned on her, the familiarity of the sight — the memories that evoked in her.
Memories of a particular someone who used to do the same pose before dealing with any surgery back at Hopkins. There was a scientific reason behind it — of course, how could Arizona forget? For all she knew, the kids got it from watching too many superhero movies. It was a common practice – everyone could have known about it.
But it was the first time someone has done it right in front of her very eyes in years and that somehow made it comical to feel emotional about a silly pose. Both Scout and Harriet were looking right at her with bright and curious eyes, urging her to do the same - but she just couldn't do it. It made her feel frustrated with herself that she simply couldn't do it.
"You guys look cool." Arizona cleared her throat, blinking back the faint tears forming in her eyes. So fucking silly, really. Almost embarrassing how quickly she turned into a muddled mess. "I'll make sure to do this later but right now I need to get you guys home, is that okay?"
The drive all the way to Grey Sloan went more smoothly and more peacefully than expected. She thought she would have fires to fight given that both kids didn't have their iPads with them or whatever kids are into these days. She obviously didn't know them that much, but if there was anything that Arizona learned from today was not to judge too quickly. Harriet and Scout were adorable and seemed fun to hang with. She now could understand why carpool days were a regular thing. She loved hearing about Harriet and Scout's interactions at the back, how they could find simple joys from their own perspective - how they managed to even make a little game based on the number of cars that passed them while they braved through Seattle traffic. The I Spys, the cute numbers game that Scout insisted he 'invented' with his mom —
Arizona wished she didn't have to drop them off this early so she had more time to know them better. But they were now pulling up at the hospital's parking lot and April was already looking so excited to see Harriet from afar. She parked her car right next to April's as the trauma surgeon hurriedly went to the backseat to greet the two kids.
"Hi, guys!" She swooped in to hug Harriet as she helped her out of the booster seat. She gave a quick pat on Scout's head and a small wink. "Did you both behave well for Aunt Arizona?"
The kids both screamed a yes, as Arizona got out of the car as well to stand beside April.
April pulled Arizona in for a hug as she thanked her endlessly, "Thank you again for this, and sorry again for the bother."
"April, don't be sorry about anything. I really had a great time with the kids." Arizona assured her.
She quickly noticed Scout looking somewhat sleepy, as he was fighting through his yawns and that earned a sly smile from Arizona. "By the way, where would you like me to drop Scout off?"
"Oh, it's fine. I'll do it. Her mom owns a coffee shop a few blocks away from here." April responded.
Arizona contemplated doing it herself. It was her day off anyway, and April could make use of her vacant period to spend more time with Harriet.
"I can do it. Spend time with Harriet." Arizona said in a heartbeat. April had gotten out of a complicated surgery and she definitely deserved the time she had to be with her kid right now.
"Arizona –"
"It's okay. I'm already out anyways, can you just tell me where that coffee shop is?"
It was relatively quiet this time around given that Scout had already fallen asleep in the backseat of Arizona's car. Scout looked as if she was Arizona's kid really – the way it was so easy to get him comfortable with her, a stranger who had just been tasked to pick them up from school. Arizona kept looking back at Scout every chance she got, adored how he sat comfortably on his booster seat, how he was leaning on his side with his eyes closed, with a firm grip on his stuffed sloth. The stuffed sloth still seemed like an odd choice for a 5-year-old, Arizona mentally reminded herself to ask the reason behind it to her mom later if she had the chance.
Suddenly there was a pitter-patter of rain falling from outside. Arizona was beyond relieved that it was only a wee drizzle, with light rain falling in fine drops from the sunroof of her car. She was also glad that she had her umbrella with her, and now she could only hope that getting out of a car with a sleeping Scout wouldn't be much of a hassle under this rain. She had no plans of waking Scout up, the kid looked very peaceful and comfortable in his sleep. So she planned of carrying him all the way inside the coffee shop instead. Leaving Scout and his stuffed sloth to his mom, and maybe grab a cup of coffee and a box of pastries she could share with Harriet and April back at the hospital.
The rain suddenly began to pour harder as she parked her car in front of the coffee shop. She found herself amused as the name "Scout's" in bold cursive letters was displayed right at the front. Of course, the Mom would name it after their kid. If her kid was as adorable as Scout, she'd name it after them too.
With a sigh, she turned the ignition of her car off – grabbing her umbrella from the glove compartment as she hastily stepped out of the car to unbuckle a sleeping Scout from behind. She slung his backpack to her arm and picked Scout up and settled him on top of her shoulder. By instinct, Scout wrapped his arms tighter around her, leaning his head against the crook of her neck carefully. She closed the car door with her leg and made her all the way to the entrance of the cafe.
April told her to drop Scout off to Olivia. Olivia was the store manager and was usually the one stationed at the cashier. April also advised her that it'd be Scout's dad who'd be getting Scout in a few hours and that the mom was still making her way back from a personal trip somewhere in New York.
Arizona planned on staying for a bit until Scout's dad arrive if it would not be much of a problem – not that she had doubts about Olivia, for sure she was a close friend of Scout's parents - but it would also be nice to kill time while the rain dwindled down.
She placed her wet umbrella on a nearby stand at the entrance and was then quickly greeted by a woman in her late 20s whom she assumed was named Olivia.
Olivia had bleached hair, bright pink. With steel gray eyes, and a matching bright smile. Arizona already made a note that Olivia definitely had a pleasing personality as she shook her hand and introduced herself to her.
"You must be Arizona! April called and told me you'd be the one to drop Scout off."
"Yes, that'd be me. It's nice to meet you, Olivia." Arizona smiled in return, reaching forward to hand a sleeping Scout to Olivia. A small whimper came about as Scout was released from Arizona's shoulders and were now reunited in Olivia's arms, Arizona was relieved to know that it was still somewhat unfazed Scout as she also handed his school backpack to Olivia.
"Thank you for picking up and being with Scout." Olivia grinned, "Would you like to stay for coffee? Coffee and pastry of your choice are on the house."
"Yes, that would be lovely." Arizona agreed. The rain was still rather pouring hard, and she was glad that she had her blazer on but it was indeed starting to get cold, and who could ever say no to free coffee and pastry, really?
Olivia led her to a vacant table beside the window and just as she was about to get settled, Arizona then realized she had completely forgotten about Scout's stuffed sloth in the backseat of her car. She knew how much that meant to Scout and how that would definitely be the first thing he was going to look for as soon as he woke up, so she got out of her seat and grabbed her umbrella again - letting Olivia know where she was going.
She braved through the heavy pounding rain as she made her way back to her car. Only to realize that the stuffed sloth was not in the backseat as she assumed. And so, it took her a long while to get through all her things to look for it. She knew it passed more than ten minutes when she finally got a hold of Scout's stuffed sloth - which was on the floor and must have fallen back down while she was trying to unbuckle Scout from the booster seat. Heaving a sigh of relief she picked the toy up and closed the car door from behind, making her way back towards the coffee shop once again.
By the time she got back to her table, Scout was already awake and had now playfully marched his way to her. Arizona laughed as she picked him up and settled him against her lap. "You're still here!" He exclaimed, leaning the back of his head on her chest. Something about it warmed her heart, and of course, Arizona didn't have to be asked twice as she wrapped her arms tighter around him - with her chin perched on top of his head, she pulled the stuffed sloth from her pocket and handed it back to him.
Scout grinned wide as he grabbed it from her hands and hugged it right back. Olivia returned with a cup of warm coffee and a box of glazed donuts, which were her instant favorites. Arizona couldn't recall telling Olivia about her pastry of choice.
She looked down at them with curiosity, and not that she was complaining against it but she just had to ask –
"I'm sorry, I don't remember ordering these donuts." She explained, still looking confused yet grateful for the free treat.
"Oh, well Scout's Mom told me these are your favorites. Do you know her?" She asked.
Arizona shook her head, a slight frown painted across her features - she must have mistaken her for someone else because she clearly hadn't seen Scout's Mom ever before.
"I-I don't know. I mean, I haven't met… do I know her?" She went on to say, tilting her head back, getting slightly aggravated for no reason.
Just as Olivia was about to respond, a woman padded her way to her table as well — and Arizona was sure her heart stopped, "It was me." She licked her lips, shifting her gaze from her feet and back up to meet Arizona's eyes. "Hi, Arizona."
Ten years.
She hadn't seen Amelia Shepherd in ten years.
But the streak surely ended right at this very moment.
It was like no time had passed, and she couldn't believe that Amelia was standing right in front of her with bright blue eyes seeking for Arizona to say something.
She released the breath she didn't know she had been holding for a long time as Scout excitedly leaped out of her grasp and ran towards Amelia.
"Mommy!"
Of course.
Just – really.
Of course, he'd be Scout's Mom.
Arizona felt as if her heart had gone into overdrive like her chest was pounding way too hard and her stomach coiled, almost as if she was dying.
There really was nothing left for her here, and so, she hastily excused herself and ran.
She couldn't care less if it was raining hard.
All she knew was that she was crying harder than the rain that poured against the pavement as she left Scout's for good.
Ten years.
Ten fucking years.
Why now?