Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
By Project H
Part 3
*Hogwarts halls*
Ron: Hermione and I have been thinking
Harry: Really?
Ron: Well, Hermione has been thinking. It doesn't matter if we find a Horcrux unless we can destroy it
Harry: Good point. Let's quit now and hand me into Voldemort
Ron: You destroyed the diary with a basilisk fang, and me and Hermione know where we might find one
Harry: Chamber of Secrets. Doesn't take a genius, Ron
Luna: Harry!
Harry: I told you before, Luna, I don't want to kiss your nargle egg for good luck
Luna: Don't you remember what Cho said about the diadem?
Harry: When's the last time someone listened to Cho?
Luna: "There's not a person alive who's seen it." We have to talk to someone who's dead
*Chamber of Secrets*
Harry: Basilisk, have you seen a tiara?
Basilisk skeleton:...
Harry: Thanks for your time
*Hogwarts halls*
Harry: Didn't work
Luna: That's not who I meant
-
*Another, more ghostly hallway*
Luna: If you're to find her, you'll find her down there
Harry: Aren't you coming? I seem to have an odd effect on female ghosts
Moaning Myrtle: *Winks*
Luna: I think it's best if you two talk alone. If you need me, I'll be running naked in the forbidden forest to honour the spirit of the tree-fish
Harry: Grey Lady, my name is Harry Potter. I know it's hard, but try not to fall in love with me
Grey Lady: Are you a friend of Luna's?
Harry: Yes
Grey Lady: Are you going to try and breathe me in to gain mystic 'ghost powers'?
Harry: No. Well, not yet
Grey Lady: You seek my mother's diadem. But Luna was wrong, I cannot help you
Harry: Luna was wrong about something? That doesn't sound like the Luna I know. The Luna that is currently running naked in the forest
*Meanwhile*
Voldemort: *Surveying the school* Ha, they never learn
Pius: Of course not. You replaced all their classes with torture
Voldemort: Shut up, Pius. Death Eaters, begin!
Death Eaters: *Fire curses*
*Back inside*
Harry: I want to help you destroy the diadem! If that's what you want. I'm going to assume it is
Grey Lady: Another swore to destroy it many years ago. A strange boy with a strange name
Harry: That doesn't really narrow it down. Blaise Zabini?
Grey Lady: Tom Riddle! He defiled it with dark magic. And bent it out of shape on his weirdly-shaped head
Harry: I can destroy it once and for all. You know where he hid it, don't you, Helena?
Grey Lady: It's here in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden *Floats away*
Harry: Damn, I failed. She was completely in love with me
-
*Chamber of Secrets*
Ron: Harry talks in his sleep. Have you noticed?
Hermione: No
Ron: *Speaks parseltongue* Sssaaaahhh Hhhaaasss ssssaaahhh
Translation: Yeah Ginny, you know how I like it...
Ron: Shh, there's the basilisk. Careful, it's sleeping
Hermione: I think it's dead, Ron. It's just a skeleton
Ron: Shh, those are just its pyjamas. *Snaps off fang* Alright, you do it
Hermione: I can't
Ron: Oh it's not too bad. It'll yell at you, probably show you some images of me and Harry making out, but not much worse than that
Hermione: *Stabs cup*
Voldemort: Nyah!
Harry: Nyah!
Water: *Splashes*
Hermione: *Kisses Ron*
Ron: *Kisses Hermione*
Hermione: Why is it that destroying Horcruxes seems to always involve people making out?
Ron: There's nothing sexier than gradually killing pieces of a man's soul
-
*The Bridge*
Hogwarts barrier: *Melts*
McGonagall: Not my barrier, you bitch!
Scabior: Snatch 'em!
Neville: I'm starting to think that having me be the sole defender of the bridge against thousands of Death Eaters was not the most tactical of decisions *Runs*
Bridge: *Collapses*
Death Eaters: *Plummet*
Scabior: *Will be snatching angels in heaven tonight*
-
*Around Hogwarts*
Giants: *Smash everything*
Statue: *Is destroyed*
Statue's widow: No! He had one more day until retirement
Quidditch Pitch: *Burning*
Oliver Wood: NOOOO! I swore to always protect her! What have I done? What have I become?
-
*Hogwarts halls*
Ginny: Harry!
Harry: Ginny!
Neville: Luna! Anyone seen her? I'm mad for her
Harry: Makes sense. She's mad for everything
Neville: I think it's about time I told her since we'll probably both be dead by dawn
Harry: Try destroying a Horcrux. That'll get her in the mood
*Elsewhere*
Draco: *Grabs students at random* Goyle and Zabini? You'll do
Goyle: Shouldn't we bring Crabbe?
Draco: Crabbe's on long-service leave
-
*Room of Requirement*
Diadem: Psst, Harry
Harry: Wow, that will look fantastic on me
Draco: What brings you here, Potter?
Harry: I could ask you the same thing
Draco: You have something of mine
Harry: Crabbe? I swear I don't have him
Draco: My wand. This one is my mother's. It's powerful, but it's not the same. Doesn't quite understand me
Harry: Sort of like Zabini compared to Crabbe
Draco: Forget about Crabbe!
Goyle: Come on, Draco. Don't be a prat
Harry: That's what Goyle sounds like? Man, I was way off during second year when I was disguised as you
Hermione: Expelliarmus!
Goyle: Avada Kedavra!
Hermione: Stupefy!
Ron: *Holds wand over head and runs after them screaming*
Harry: Some day, we should really teach him a spell
Pyramid of chairs: *Is an odd thing to find in a Room of Requirement. Who requires a pyramid of chairs?*
Harry: *Climbs pyramid, gets diadem*
Ron: *Returns*
Hermione: Do you bring good news?
Ron: RUN! GOYLE SET THE WHOLE PLACE ON FIRE!
Hermione: Is that a 'no'?
Harry: Goyle sure gets moody when he doesn't have Crabbe around
Fire: *Burns things, turns into a snake, turns into a phoenix, and is generally just pretty darn awesome for a fire*
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Flee*
Goyle: *Loses control of fire. Isn't that always the way? They're fine when they're young, but then they get their own opinions and run off with the wrong sorts of flames*
Ron: Look, some brooms!
Harry: Good job, Ron
Ron: Yay, I contributed! *Gets on broom and immediately crashes*
Draco: Quick! Find the most flammable pile of furniture and climb!
Goyle: *Climbs, then falls into fire*
Draco: No! Goyle had one more day until retirement as my best friend!
Harry: *Flying* We can't leave them
Ron: You're joking, right?
Harry: Come on, Ron, think – what would Crabbe do?
Ron: You're right, we have to save them
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Save Draco and Zabini*
Diadem: *Is stabbed, and thrown into fire. Talk about a bad day*
-
*Death Eater lookout*
Voldemort: Nyah! Not my diadem, you bitch!
Pius: My Lord?
Voldemort: Shut up, Pius!
Pius: *Dies*
Voldemort: For the purpose of saving time, I have turned the phrase "Shut up, Pius" into a new killing curse
Death Eater: Good idea, sir
Voldemort: Shut up, Pius!
Death Eater: *Dies*
Voldemort: Come Nagini, I need to keep you safe. I wonder if Hogsmeade still sells snake helmets...
-
*Back inside*
Harry: It's the snake. She's the last Horcrux
Ron: Then let's put up a low wire-fence. That seems to take care of snakes pretty well. Look inside him, Harry. Find out where he is
Harry: Was Ron elected leader of the group without my knowledge?
Ron: It was actually Hermione's idea, but she didn't want to look like she was encouraging you to enter Voldemort's mind because you'd say "I told you so"
Harry: Is this true, Hermione?
Hermione: Yeah
Harry: I told you so! *Looks inside himself*
-
*Boat House*
Lucius: My Lord, might it not be more prudent to call off this attack and simply seek the boy yourself?
Voldemort: I do not need to seek the boy. He will come to me. I will just wait here, as he gradually destroys all the Horcruxes, and allow him to have the best possible chance at killing me
Lucius: Hard to believe you were ever defeated
Voldemort: How can you live with yourself, Lucius?
Lucius: I'm trying to die, I swear
Voldemort: Try harder! And bring me Severus
-
*Back to the trio*
Harry: I know where he is. The Boat House!
Ron: Of course, the famous Hogwarts Boat House!
Hermione: It all makes sense!
Harry: How appropriate that after everything we've been through, it all ends in the Boat House. It seems every aspect of our lives these last few years has revolved around it in some way. Let's go!
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Start making their way to the Boat House, dodging spells and giants*
Fenrir: *Killing Lavender*
Hermione: No! I wanted to be the one to do that! Stupefy!
Dementors: Grr!
Aberforth: Think of goats...think of goats...EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Harry: Thanks Abby
Aberforth: Don't make me regret this, Potter. Those dementors were my best customers
TO BE CONTINUED...