Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
By Project H
Part 5
*King's Cross*
Baby Voldemort: *Gasping*
Harry: Aww, he looks just like his father. All bald and creepy
Dumbledore: Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man
Harry: Well if this is the response I get, I think I'll die more often. Quick question, what's with the bloody baby?
Dumbledore: Something beyond either of our help. I tried nursing it, but it didn't really work out. Where would you say we are?
Harry: It looks like King's Cross Station. Only cleaner, and without anyone over-dosing on the platforms
Dumbledore: King's Cross, is that right? I didn't recognise it without the smell of urine. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate since that night in Godric's Hollow
Harry: Would have realized it sooner if you didn't keep it from me for so long and rely on Snape to tell me in his dying moments. So a part of Voldemort lives within me?
Dumbledore: Did
Harry: It moved out?
Dumbledore: It died. Destroyed by Voldemort himself moments ago
Harry: I'd better put an ad in the paper advertising some spare room in my soul for rent. I have to go back, haven't I?
Dumbledore: That's up to you. You could always stay here and live with me. Would you prefer the top or bottom bunk?
Harry: Uh...top?
Dumbledore: Same. I'll race you to it
Harry: Before we do that...Voldemort has the Elder Wand, the snake is still alive, I have nothing to kill it with and half of the Order is dead
Dumbledore: It's still more than you normally have to work with
Harry: Yeah, but if I don't go back, Ron has to do it
Dumbledore: Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it
Harry: So will you help me?
Dumbledore: This isn't Hogwarts, it's King's Cross. And I think I will amend my original statement to this – Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it
Harry: So...you will help me?
Dumbledore: Nah. See you later
Harry: Professor, wait. Is this all real, or is it just happening inside my head?
Dumbledore: Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why do you think you don't need your glasses? We all have perfect vision in our imagination
Harry: Then how come you're still all old and grey?
Dumbledore: This is your imagination. *Suddenly sprouts antlers* Oh very funny
-
*Back at Voldemort's clearing*
Bellatrix: My Lord, are you hurt?
Voldemort: Aargh, I think I fell on my keys. The boy, is he alive?
Narcissa: *Whispering to Harry* Draco...is he alive?
Harry: Possibly
Narcissa: What about Goyle?
Harry: Uh...sure
Narcissa: And I never let Tonks know how much I cared about her. Is she OK?
Harry: Better than ever. They're all up at the castle preparing a surprise party for you
Narcissa: *To Voldemort* Dead
Voldemort: No, Voldemort. Oh I see what you mean...
-
*Hogwarts*
Neville: *Picks up sorting hat* Poor thing. Why do the good always die so young?
Voldemort: Harry Potter is dead!
Ginny: NO!
Voldemort: What do you mean 'no'? He is. Hagrid, shake his body around a little, this girl doesn't believe me
Students: *Gather around*
Voldemort: From this day forth, you put your faith in me. You'll find that I treat those who follow me very well
Death Eater: He sure does. And he-
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Death Eater: *Dies*
Voldemort: I hate when people interrupt me...now where was I? Oh yes, come forward and join me or die
Bellatrix: *Steps forward*
Voldemort: Not you!
Lucius: Draco, psst, Draco. Come over here. Quick, while no one is looking
Draco: *Walks forward, watched by several hundred students and Death Eaters*
Voldemort: Well done, Draco *Hugs him*
Bellatrix: He gets a hug?
Voldemort: Oh Draco, it's good to see you again *Licks thumb and wipes dirt off Draco's face*
Draco: Ugh, my Lord. Not in front of the other students
Voldemort: Come on Draco, introduce me to your friends. Is that Blaise Zabini over there?
Neville: *Steps forward*
Voldemort: And who might you be, young man?
Neville: Neville Longbottom
Death Eaters: *Laugh*
Voldemort: Yes yes, it's a very funny name. I'm sure we could find room for you in our ranks, but we'll have to change your name. How about Neville Shortarse?
Neville: I'd like to say something. It doesn't matter Harry's dead...
Voldemort: Agreed
Neville:...people die every day. Friends, family, Goyle. Sure, we lost Harry tonight, but so what? We lost a lot of people. Screw Harry
Students: Yeah! *Chanting* Screw Harry, Screw Harry, Screw Harry...
Harry: *Jumps up* That's enough of that
Voldemort: Nyah!
Death Eater: Zombies! They've got zombies! Run away!
Death Eaters: *Flee*
Students: *Run into the castle*
Harry: *Starts running* I'll lure him into the castle. There's no one in there he can hurt
-
*Inside the castle*
Harry: *To self* Alright, I'll just hide from Voldemort behind this pillar, and when the coast is clear, jump out and stab Nagini with this Basilisk fang
Basilisk fang: *Breaks immediately*
Harry: Oh right...that's why we don't plan
Hermione: You want not planning? I'll show you not planning *Throws a rock at Nagini*
Harry: Wow, that's a terrible idea. Nice job
Hermione: *Throws more rocks*
Nagini: Ow! Not my piece of Voldemort's soul, you bitch!
-
*Several minutes later*
Harry: *Still running* If I keep this up, maybe he'll die of exhaustion
Voldemort: *Traps Harry with...magic ribbons*
Harry: I wish I'd payed more attention in muggle school when they taught us how to use those 'scissor' things
Voldemort: Why do you live, Harry Potter?
Harry: Because you keep letting me go
Voldemort: That's not true *Lets go of Harry*
-
*Elsewhere*
Bellatrix: *Fires curse at Ginny*
Ginny: *Cries* Mummy, Bellatrix is hurting me
Mrs Weasley: Not my daughter, you bitch!
Bellatrix: Heard that one before
Mrs Weasley: How about this one? Avada Kedavra!
Bellatrix: Yes I think- oh *dies*
-
*Tower*
Harry: You were right when you told Snape that wand was failing you. It will always fail you. It's the wand equivalent of Ron
Voldemort: I killed Snape
Harry: Big deal. I kill people all the time. The difference is, I don't brag about it. Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it
Voldemort: You want me to kill your parents again?
Harry: *Grabs Voldemort and jumps off the tower. Despite the fact that Voldemort can fly and Harry...cannot*
*Hogwarts Courtyard*
Voldemort: *Rolls across ground* Ugh. I'm getting too old for this
Harry: Expelliarmus!
Voldemort: Expelliarmus!
Harry: Really?
Voldemort: What? It's not like you own it
-
*Inside Hogwarts*
Ron and Hermione: *Running*
Nagini: *Slithering*
Ron: I can't believe we couldn't kill a Horcrux with rocks
Hermione: I can't believe I agreed to try and kill a Horcrux with rocks
Ron: Any last words?
Hermione: I wish I'd read more books
Ron: I wish I'd read a book
Nagini: *Lunges*
Neville: *Kills Nagini with sword*
Trevor: Well done, boy. You've made me real proud. I can see my work here is done now *Hops away into the sunset*
Hermione: We just ended our Horcrux quest by cowering in a corner
Ron: It's as good as I could have hoped for
-
*Courtyard*
Voldemort: *Feels Nagini's death* Nyah!
Harry: Do you need to take a quick break or something?
Voldemort: Expelliarmus!
Harry: Very well. Expelliarmus!
Elder Wand: *To Voldemort* Expelliarmus!
Voldemort: NYAH! *Falls to pieces and drifts away*
Harry: So he was made of confetti all along. That explains so much
-
*Great Hall*
Mrs Weasley: I sure am happy now. I don't even miss Fred
Cho: I think my contributions more than made up for ruining Dumbledore's Army
Aberforth: I notice this school has thestrals. Do you also have goats?
Slughorn:...and my spell accidently hit Lavender. I hope she's OK
Hagrid: Harry!
Harry: Hagrid!
Hagrid:...
Harry:...
Hagrid:...alright, see you later
Ron and Hermione: *Walk in, holding hands*
Harry: People sure are happy that I've killed Voldemort
Ron: You killed Voldemort? Why didn't you say something? We were all just sitting in here waiting to be killed. Hey everyone, Voldemort's dead!
Everyone: Yay!
Fenrir: So...I should stop eating the children?
-
*Bridge*
Harry: *Stands on edge*
Hermione: Harry, you just won a battle with the strongest dark wizard of all time. How about you don't tempt fate by balancing on the edge of the bridge?
Ron: Why didn't the Elder Wand work for him?
Harry: It answered to someone else. To me. Isn't that right, Elder Wand?
Elder Wand: You got it, Harry
Ron: What should we do with it?
Hermione: We could re-build the castle, heal the wounded, create better barriers to protect the castle from future attack...
Harry: *Snaps Elder Wand*
Hermione: Or that
Elder Wand: Ow! I thought we were friends
Hermione: Ah well. As long as you remembered to use it to repair your old wand
Harry:...
Hermione: Harry?
Harry:...SON OF A-
-
*19 Years Later, King's Cross Station*
Harry: This place sure was less crowded when I was dead
Albus Severus: *Starts tying shoe* I hope they teach us a spell for this. Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?
Harry: Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was a horribly cruel person, but he had a thing for my mum so that makes him alright by me
Albus Severus: But what if I am?
Harry: Then just tell it you want to be in Gryffindor. It's a hat, what's it going to do about it? Give you lice?
Albus Severus: Thanks Dad
Kids: *Get on train*
Ron: Ah well, time to go home
Hermione: It seems strange to be going home, doesn't it?
Harry: I'm not going home...not really...
Ginny: What do you mean?
Harry: I've just turned this time-turner 227,760 times. That should take us back to the start of our first year. Ron, Hermione...let's do it all again!
THE END
Author's Note: And so ends Project H. It's hard to believe that it was 2005 (!) that I started writing these, and have been uploading them to this site for two and a half years. Some of you have been reading and reviewing these right from the start, and I am truly appreciative of that.
I want to say thank you to everyone who ever read or reviewed any of these, because even though I started writing them primarily for my own amusement, it really means a lot that so many of you found them amusing too.
So that's it for Potter, but I'll still be around fanfiction for a while yet. I have a few ideas for new stories, and hey, I've still got two Twilight films to have a look at. So hopefully I'll be back soon to again make you wonder just how one person can seemingly have so much free time on their hands.
Thank you all so much. Mischief managed!