Part 3

There's no way, right?

Quinn Fabray does not know that I get a penis instead of a period. How could she? She's barely even looked at me since she almost groped me in the janitor's closet, but then that girl does have a wicked mind. Who else could convince a guy that she hadn't even had sex with, that he was the father of her unborn baby? Granted Finn was more than a little dense in believing that jizzing in a hot tub after a heavy make out session with your girlfriend could facilitate the fertilization of an ovum, but Quinn managed to spin her lie just right. Also, her evil plan to bring down the glee club by sabotaging Nationals? And, what about her leaking the news of Santana's summer surgery to Sue Sylvester in order to gain back the position of Head Cheerio?

Quinn Fabray could quite possibly have figured out the comings and goings of my were-penis.

I hadn't noticed her watching me over the past couple of weeks, but she could've been. Her mind, busy thinking over any of the times that I could've been concealing a little something extra in my spanks, could've easily extrapolated pertinent facts concerning the time of the month and the frequency in which I left classes with a book or bag held in front of my lap area. Quinn probably made correlation charts and bar graphs in order to throw her data in my face. No? That would just be me then?

She lets the door to the girls' bathroom shut behind her as she leaves, and even though I glimpse the puzzled look on Finn's face, I need to take a few seconds to calm the racing of my heart. Could she really know? No way. Quinn was probably just making sure that I knew Noah's party would be swim wear only, so that I'd remember to properly groom my bikini area. Really, no one wanted to see an overgrown lady garden. It wasn't the 70's. She was just helping me out. I hope.

Anyway, Quinn's help was redundant no matter how welcome. There's no way that I'd be able to attend a pool party on Friday if a swim suit was mandatory. There's no way I'd get away with wearing a bikini, one piece or even a wetsuit, not with my soon to be arriving package. Not that I'm bragging about the size of said package because I'm not. I was very happy to find out that it was completely average, even if mine does grow in already circumcised. Hey, my great aunt Lilith is a Jew, so what should I expect. It wasn't a trouser snake or an acorn, and for that I was quite grateful.

Anyway, back to the pool party. Looks like I will have to turn Noah's invite down.

I take in a slow and somewhat shaky breath. I was upset, okay. It wasn't every day that I got invited to parties and gatherings, even when it was just us glee kids. My invite always seems to get lost on the way to me. The only times I really got to attend a glee gathering was if it was Mr Schuester or myself hosting the gathering. It really sucks that Noah's party just so happens to be on one of the five days I would have my penis.

I wonder if Quinn had anything to do with the particular day. Why not next Friday? Or even last Friday? What was so special about this weekend that had Noah deciding to throw a pool party? Damn it. I really want to go.

I tug open the bathroom door and offer Finn a weak smile. I hardly even look at him again as we walk the corridor towards the auditorium, but I do grab my cell phone from my purse and quickly type out an email.

Dear Aunt Lilith,

Someone may know. I need your help A.S.A.P.

Hope you're well, love Rachel B. Berry.

Dramatic I know, but if begging and pleading didn't help, emotional blackmail might. I need to talk to Aunt Lilith. I need to know if she gave me my penis and I need to know if there's some way to hide it for the pool party. Hmm, and if that doesn't help, I think my daddy's friend Shelita Buffet might know a way of tucking without it looking like I have haemorrhoids.

I lift my head as we walk through to the back of the auditorium and I give Finn a small smile. "Thank you for walking with me, Finn. I need to speak with Noah before Mr Schuester arrives, so please excuse me." I know that I'm being ignorant, but I really don't want to encourage or lead on my ex-boyfriend. There really was no hope of rekindling our romance. I had made up my mind and this time I was sticking to my decision.

I stroll quickly across the stage to where Noah Puckerman was strumming his guitar. He lifts his eyes to me and smiles as I approach.

"Wassup my fine miniature Jew-babe?" He arches a thick brow at me and I momentarily wonder if he and Quinn took lessons somewhere.

My dazzling smile becomes a little sombre. "I have to regretfully inform you that I will be unable to attend your pool party on Friday." I sigh. "But if you'd care to postpone your party until the following week, I'll be more than happy to attend."

"Sorry, Rache. Gotta be this week." He shrugs his wide shoulders.

"What on earth is so important this week?" I really do try to hold off on huffing but I fail miserably at stopping the stamp of my foot. I really did want to attend his party, and I had the perfect black bikini that gave me the opportunity to show off more than just my legs without looking like a sad clown hooker. There's no way in hell I'd get away with wearing it this weekend without showing off a little more than I'm willing.

Noah smiles at me then and he looks a little bashful. "It's my birthday, babe. Gotta celebrate the day this fine specimen of a Jewish male came into the world."

"Oh." I remember now. I'm a little mortified that I'd forgotten, but I have had other things on my mind recently and I had forgone the weekly check of my calendar for student and faculty birthdays. "Happy birthday for Friday, Noah."

I think he could see that I was sad that I couldn't attend. "What's up with you not coming? I thought that you'd be all over the Puckersaurus on his birthday." He grins widely at me as he waggles his eyebrows, and I find myself returning his smile. Noah knew that our particular ship had set sail, but he still enjoyed flirting and frankly, so did I. "I'll be wearing board shorts and no tee?" He smirks as though temptation will be his way of convincing me. I laugh.

"I'm truly sorry, Noah." I sigh softly, defeated. Now, I can't straight up tell him that I'll be getting my monthly penis, or lie and tell him that I'm getting my period, because even I understand that guys really don't want to know that stuff. I could be vague, but he would still be uncomfortable, and I couldn't tell him that I have something else on because everyone knows that Rachel Berry has no social life. "I think my daddy gave my favourite bikini to Goodwill and I haven't got time, what with my extra-curricular activities, to buy a new one."

Noah laughs at me and shrugs his shoulders. "Babe, the swimsuit only thing was Santana's idea." He chuckles. "I think she just wants to check out the chicks, not that I'm complaining. You can wear whatever you want, just as long as you come."

"Really?" I'm grinning on the outside and dancing a happy jig on the inside. I can go to the party after all. "You don't mind me not being in a bikini like the other girls?"

"Of course I mind." He leers. "But for a fellow Jew, I'll make an exception."

I throw my arms around his neck and give him a peck on the check. "Thank you, Noah. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

He's back to waggling his eyebrows. "Can I suggest nudey photos, alcohol, or cupcakes?"

"Cupcakes it is." I nod my head and smile.

Noah starts to strum his guitar again and I happily hum along to the song he's playing. I turn around when his eyes narrow in on something just past my shoulder. Mr Schuester should be along at any moment, but I thought it odd that Noah's light brown eyes look to show confusion. It's only when I notice what looks like a tiff between the three ex-Cheerios, do I fully focus my attention away from the music.

From across the stage, I watch as Brittany shrugs her shoulders at the other two girls before she skips across the boards to her boyfriend, leaving the drama behind her. Santana is scowling at Quinn, and her arms cross defensively over her chest. I can't really hear what they're saying from all the way over here, and they're standing at an angle so I can't make use of my lip reading skills, but neither of them look very happy. When the pair storm across the stage and disappear behind the heavy curtains, I nonchalantly close the gap between myself and the curtain. Sitting on the floor, I stretch out my legs and give a little wave over to where Mercedes and Kurt are chatting.

I lean back on my hands and strain my hearing to take in the hushed words of Quinn and Santana.

"Calm down before you stroke out, Q. Puckerman told me to invite the hobbit, and I know that you're dying to get under that skirt again." I can just about hear the humour in Santana's voice.

"Just shut up, Santana. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh c'mon. I walked in on you two doing the dirty, remember?"

"I've told you a hundred times that we weren't doing anything." Quinn was obviously angry, and I realise now, that with Santana's constant reminders and digs, Quinn would never be able to let what she saw go. She had something to prove, and she was determined to prove that I had a penis. I sigh softly as I continue to listen in on their private (well, not so much) conversation.

"As disgusting as it is for me to even think of, if I hadn't walked in on you two, you'd have been tongue deep inside Yentl."

"Santana!" I'm more than a little surprised by the Latina's vulgarity, but find myself suddenly aroused by the thought of Quinn Fabray going down on me. "Stop saying that." Quinn huffs loudly.

"And," I hear Santana speak just as Mr Schuester walks through the doors and starts his descent towards the stage steps. "Puck told me that it was your idea for his pool party to be swim suit only, after you found out that Frodo was coming. You want to ogle Berry's berries. Admit it."

I purse my lips and frown, but when the curtain moves, I make a quick grab for my cell phone and pretend to be playing Angry Birds. The ex-cheerleaders make their way back on stage at the sound of Mr Schuester clapping his hands to get our attention. I'm barely listening to my teacher's instructions as he greets us and tells us to all get into position. We are practising a number for the annual McKinley Charity Gala for a new something important that the school board wouldn't fund, and I had my part down pat. My thoughts were instead on one devious Quinn Fabray.

Did she really want to ogle my berries? Because really, that could easily be arranged. She is after all a very attractive girl.

Was the swim suit deal just another way for her to check out my intimate area without the need for getting so up close and personal like in the Janitors Closet?

Did she manage to figure out the frequency in which I have my 'period' with sneaky investigative work? Which is kind of flattering, and something I'm beginning to find more and more attractive in a person like Quinn. It wasn't at all creepy like I would find it if Jacob Ben Israel did the same thing.

Will she ever forget that she saw me tugging on my penis?

Can I get away with not revealing myself to her?

Would she say yes if I ask her to make out with me?

And my final thought, just as Finn's errant elbow drops me like a sack of potatoes, I really should be concentrating more on this routine.

tbc