Chapter 5

"Optimus?" I asked uncertainly, lingering in the doorway.
The older Autobot looked up at me, and gestured for me to come closer.
I limped over to him and sat on the bed next to him.
"Are you angry at me?" I asked after a few minutes. In that time he hadn't made a sound, or moved, or even looked at me.
"No." he said finally. "I'm…angry at myself."
I blinked.
"Why?"
Optimus sighed and lay back on the bed.
"I don't know. I just feel like I drove you to it."
I tilted my head slightly as I processed that information.
"How'd you figure that one out?" I, for some reason, found that rather funny since it was so stupid. Optimus didn't agree.
"Well, between being your leader, your teacher, and the one you spend the most time with when you're not locked in your room," I shifted uncomfortably at that last point. I'd come to a conclusion about that, and it wasn't one I felt comfortable discussing at that moment of time. Maybe later. "I just feel like I should've been able to prevent…" he hesitated, "…it."
I looked down at him where he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.
"How could you have prevented it when you didn't even know it was coming?"
"I should've suspected something from how you were acting before you tried to…before it happened."
I pulled a face.
"I can't remember what I did before. Remind me?" Okay, so maybe I did remember exactly what had happened, I just wanted to know what he thought it had all been about.
Optimus thought about it for a moment.
"Well, you hugged me, and you told me you were sorry for everything."
I tilted my head, just to go with the act. What did he make of what happened next then?
"Was that all?" I asked. I had to be careful here, since I didn't want to offend him.
Optimus tilted his head, but didn't say anything.
"Oh, Primus. What did I do that's so bad you don't even want to talk about it?"
He blinked.
"Nothing. It's just I don't even know what you did next."
"Well did I do anything after that?"
"Yes."
I looked at him.
"And…?"
"I'll tell you later." Optimus suddenly sounded tired. "Maybe if you told me what was going through your head at the time, I would be able to figure out what it all meant."
I hesitated.
"Well, I don't think…I didn't know for sure at the time…whether I was actually gonna try committing suicide again or not."
Optimus flinched at the word 'suicide'. I frowned slightly at his reaction, but decided not to pursue it. 'Suicide' was a word that came up daily for me. It was a natural part of who I was. If someone asked me to describe myself, 'suicidal' was the first word that came into my processors. I wasn't afraid to admit to myself, or others, that that was what I was. I was so accustomed to it I often said it without thinking, forgetting that most people weren't as comfortable with topics like that as I was. It started getting really awkward when I offended someone who had lost someone close to them to suicide.
"Could you please not try something like that again?" Optimus was asking.
Okay, so Optimus definitely didn't deserve it, but suddenly I could feel my anger levels rising.
"Why?" I asked him coldly, "So you don't loose a fighter? So you don't get in trouble with Sentinel for not keeping me alive?"
Optimus sat up, shocked, and I could sense his anger at my words. I was refusing to look at him.
"Why are you saying this?" he asked quietly after a minute, barely able to contain the anger behind his words.
I eyed him angrily.
"Because you don't seem to care how I feel." I told him, "You don't care how much I'm hurting inside; you seem to be willing to just make me go on suffering so long as I'm still useful to you."
I could sense my teacher's anger dying down until only grief and a deep, ageless sadness remained.
"That's not it." He said quietly, a slight sigh in his voice. "I don't think you've realised the real reason." He held a hand out to me. "Come here." He said softly.
I gave him a suspicious look, but his calm seemed to have affected me as well. I wasn't angry anymore. I snuggled up to him and allowed him to wrap his arms around me.
"So what's the real reason?" I asked him bitterly after a few minutes of him just rocking me back and forth. I felt him hesitate.
"I…" he sighed, "I don't want to loose you."
I blinked and tilted my head as I processed what he'd said.
"You don't have a clue what I'm trying to say, do you?"
"No." I said immediately, "I really don't know what you're getting at here."
Optimus didn't even try to hide his bemusement.
"Clara, it would be hard enough to say this if you actually understood what I'm trying to say."
I processed different things he might be trying to get at, but only came to one conclusion.
"Wait, you…?" I tailed off as I processed that conclusion.
"You've figured it out?" Optimus asked me. I thought he sounded a little nervous, but I must've been imagining it. Optimus was never nervous.
"I have a suspicion." I shuffled away from him a little, so I was kneeling on the bed next to him, watching him.
"And what's your suspicion?" he asked me.
I thought for a minute.
"Well, see, it's the kind of suspicion that'll probably offend you if I'm wro-!"
I was cut off as my teacher pulled me back into his arms, and kissed me.

I was dead. And not in the way that I'd always wanted to be. I was doomed. See, one of Sentinel's most important of the rules of conduct?
Teachers and Students are forbidden from getting into any kind of relationship.
I love Optimus. Optimus loves me.
So what was the problem?
If Sentinel found out he would murder both of us.
I'm suicidal, but somewhere in my processors I'd decided that that wasn't what I wanted to be. So that small part of my processors kept trying to snap me out of it by latching onto things that I might care about enough to give me a reason to live. Since that night I'd run away from Starscream, that had been Optimus.
So I wasn't as eager as I normally would be for that murder to happen.
So, we had to keep this a secret from the others, otherwise Sentinel would be sure to find out.
I almost had a spark-attack when I went downstairs and found him in the Main Control Room, lounging around like he owned the place.
"What are you doing here?" I tried to keep my voice as pleasant as possible, but I still didn't trust him.
Sentinel gave me an amused look, and gave a light chuckle as Optimus came in.
"Shortly after Ratchet got here Roxy, being Roxy, got into a fight with him. They fell on your chest of drawers, which broke, and this was found. Recognise it?"
I felt cold as Sentinel held up the medallion, feeling my spark beating fast, and so loud I could swear Optimus could hear it where he was standing right next to me. He was looking at the medallion like he was wondering why Sentinel found it so significant.
"This is a rare thing, Clara." Sentinel was saying, "Did you find it?"
I blinked.
"No. It was given to me."
"By who?"
I shrugged.
"Femme."
Sentinel frowned.
"What did she look like?"
"I can't remember. I was a sparkling at the time."
Optimus was giving me a questioning look as Sentinel came over with the medallion. The Autobot leader dropped it into my hands, watching it as if he expected something to happen. Nothing did.
Optimus took my hand and pulled me away, gently, as Sentinel sighed, like he was disappointed.
"I can't leave the village with only Skids and Mudflap protecting it. Before I go, however, I can't have you stealing my medic away all the time, so change of ranks. I'll take Arcee back with me, and you keep Sideswipe."
"But how will Arcee and Sideswipe be able to train?" Ironhide asked.
"Consider this a training mission." Sentinel replied with a shrug. "If the next mission they go on is successful, they're full Autobots." He tilted his head and surveyed me. "Same for Clara."
He left. Ratchet followed, gently leading a reluctant Arcee.
"What was all that about?" Roxy asked me from where she was curled up in the corner.
"Nothing." I replied, heading upstairs to my room.
I heard Optimus following me, but neither of us said anything until we got into my room. I dropped the medallion onto what was left of the chest of drawers and collapsed onto my bed.
"Are you all right?" Optimus asked me.
"Yeah. I'm fine." I replied, not moving.
He tilted his head and sat down next to me on the bed, carefully picking up the medallion so he could look at it.
"What is this?" he asked me.
"The femme that gave it to me said it's a brand." I replied, shrugging, "But she didn't say what it's a brand for or why she was giving it to me." I sat up and wrapped my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I think I remember seeing her wearing one just like it."
I kissed his shoulder lightly, smiling as I was rewarded with a pleasured shiver.
The two of us just sat there for a few minutes, just enjoying each others' company. Optimus had his optics closed, his breathing was deep and steady.
After a while he dropped the medallion back on the broken chest of drawers and lay back on my bed, pulling me down on top of him, and laying a kiss on my forehead.
It was there, cradled in my lover's arms, that I finally slipped into recharge.