lol, Adeline has like taken over. jkjk.
Wow we're really glad that you guys like this! We love your reviews! It makes us (or at least Kathy lol) want to write more!
Dear Sima Yi,
Let me tell you how simply delighted I am to hear from you again. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, as you would not dare plot an uprising in my plain sight. I was also worried about you because I heard that bandits had carried off all the women in a certain village near where you were stationed, and I was not sure if you had mistakenly been abducted too.
Thank you for keeping me up to date on the happenings around you. I am glad to hear that you have been keeping well and healthy enough to plot an insurrection. As for your problem, I would advise gathering a few fit men and charging in quickly for a surprise attack and lopping off all the heads immediately, to continue the advantage of surprise. Be quick and brutal with your attack. And be careful, for cattle can be vicious and I know you enjoy a bit of beef once in a while.
As for around here, the situations are generally the same. We have had some minor problems with assassins, but I have become more ridiculously paranoid than ever so that is fine. Someone attempted to kill me by putting poison in my herbal tea, but the assassin was unaware that certain compounds, when mixed together, react violently and suddenly, so I am fine.
I have also been wearing my knife-proof vest, and I have my secret guard and secret passageways that everyone knows exists but no one knows where ready, in case any high-ranking official tries to make an attempt on my life or my power. Plans are only plans, after all, and there are some people who just explode when things don't work out the way they calculated. Those are the people who head to the chopping block first, mind you. But of course I know you are a dutiful and loyal subject who would never even consider betrayal of the worst kind.
Good luck with your dinner.
Dear Zhao Yun,
No, I do not know where Ma Chao is. Yes, I will see if I can put up those Missing Person posters and the info sheet you sent. We only need measurements of body parts outside places that a loincloth would cover, but thank you all the same for too much information. Yes, I will inform everyone of the reward for his safe return.
However, I must also let you know that I have posted a reward myself. And mine does not require anything more than his head, much less a safe return. And I am offering more than twenty dollars, a bag of old rock candy, and a hug. So you must hope that whoever finds Ma Chao first has a sweet tooth and an IQ of about 25. Best of luck to you, Little Dragon.
Dear Sima Yi,
I am glad to hear that the cattle butchering went well. But no, I did not mean to suggest that I am superior to or more skilled than you in the ways of slaughtering livestock. I was simply imparting potentially helpful advice, which, as you can see worked. No, I am not implying that you are any less competent or inferior to me, or that you would make a worse ruler.
Xiahou Dun came back yesterday, and the assassination attempts have stopped because as you know he is a vigilant guard. I am confident that attempts at insurrection will not work while he is around me. And I intend to keep him here, just so you know.
Dear Zhou Yu,
I understand that your guinea pigs have accepted Xiao Qiao as one of their own. However, let me assure you, mine do not. I am happy that she is getting along well with other small-brained, squeaky animals. I appreciate that peer-to-peer companionship is very important for everyone. Good job finding her friends. You are a good husband to her, even if you are gay for the late Sun Ce and trying to get me to put your wife in Luoyang State Zoo so you don't have to deal with her.
Dear Cao Ren,
Cousin, it has been to long. I have been reading about your successes south and my heart goes to you for every one of them.
It makes me glad in my soul to hear that you are returning back north soon. There were times when I thought I had lost you. But I suppose even the largest floods cannot stop you.
Do not worry. It is acceptable that you ate your horse. After all, horses are only fairly expensive, but you are priceless.
Dear Cao Ren:
What do you mean all the horses?
Dear Gan Ning,
Yes, thank you for sharing that. I will certainly keep that in mind if I ever find myself naked in a bed with Ling Tong.
Let me warn you, it is not a good idea to write letter drunk. I can barely read your handwriting.
Dear Ling Tong:
Yes, he did. Yes, he did that too. Yes, I received Gan Ning's letter.
But out of curiosity. Can you really do that?
Dear Zhuge Liang,
Well, your letter was in a bottle and directed to the Gods, but I received it anyways when it got stuck in my house's plumbing and cost me gods-knows-how-much for the repairman to fix it…
I must say, I can sympathize, especially with your feelings that you are the only sane one and working in the company of total morons. And it is too often that I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why the world works the way it does, which is to say not at all. Yes, the wide majority of the population has the sense of a starving chipmunk. Absolutely! Yes, it is awful! It makes me want to scream!
And that paperwork! You start out a system that you think will keep everything in control and everything right on target, but it turns out everything gets tangled up and you still need to do the paperwork anyways! It just causes chaos! Massive amounts of chaos! And they call me the Hero of Chaos! I thought it meant that I created order in a crumbling dynasty, not that my paperwork blew out the window!
And who does the work? Who does the work, I ask?
But the worst part? The worst part is that if you tell anyone else they'll claim you're either crazy or arrogant or stupid as them! It isn't that way! When you're the only one with a working brain you're the only one working!
Sometimes I hate the world!
By the way, here is the plumber's bill. Thank you.
Dear Zhou Yu,
No, I assure you, the guinea pigs here are different from your guinea pigs. For one they, they do not wear pink frilly dresses and bounce up and down squeaking "Yay I won I won."
Dear Ma Chao,
Well, I never know what to say when someone tells me that I have flipped over his mind and totally changed the way the world works for him… But, you welcome?
Your friend Zhao Yun has been looking for you. I think you should send him something to tell him that you are all right. I would send it myself but this letter has no return address.
But listen, Ma Chao… A cult where you pay money to enter and pay money to get up in rank and pay money to get to the truth of the universe? I would advise you to beware of that. I would also advise you to get out of there as soon as possible.
Dear Zhao Yun,
Here is the letter Ma Chao sent to me. I think he got scammed. You might want to look for him harder.