Thank you for pouring all your inner turmoil out to me. I am flattered that you chose to confide in me if only because anything I say about you people will think that I am slandering you. I am also a little bit disturbed, but that is beside the point. Also, thank you for the vivid descriptions of your troubles. I shall treasure it and archive it under Confiscated Pornography.
If you are that concerned about having sex with your little student, why don't you just stop? Lu Xun is an understanding boy, after all. Anyways, is that not something called pedophilia?
Dear Xiahou Yuan,
Thank you for your letter and last night.
I was exhausted after our time together! I thought that we would never get there, but we did, didn't we? You certainly shot out a lot. It was certainly good to get some fresh air, but I am still pulling grass out of my hair. In addition, my rear is still very sore from our activity.
Next time, I will try to prepare the bows and arrows faster so that we can finish hunting ducks before the sun sets. And remind me to bring a seat cushion.
Dear Lu Meng,
I am sorry, but as I have never had sex with my son or anyone who I consider a son, I cannot quite empathize. May I suggest a therapist?
Once again, thank you for your vivid descriptions. I will try to get the images out of my head as soon as possible.
Dear Sun Shangxiang,
I understand that it must be difficult for you right now, what with you being confined to the inner chambers. Zhao Yun is running amok in the countryside looking for Ma Chao, so it is understandable that he is not available to escort you. But it is excellent that you are keeping your spirits up. And I absolutely think that making Liu Bei's life a living hell and harassing his Tiger Generals at every available opportunity is a wonderful way for a young girl like you to pass the time. I recommend that you continue it.
As for your request for new pranks, what I have enclosed here is a top-secret diagram that I have never shown to anyone, and I trust that you will not reveal it to a soul either. It is a sketch of the famous Giant Carnivorous Bird Droppings prank I used when I was a boy. As I recall, it was very effective. It should be fairly simple to get the materials. It should prove to be good for you. It would be a good one to use on Liu Bei, no? Try not to get caught. And if you do, do not tell a soul that it was I who sent the instructions.
Of course I am not the 'evil puppy-eating baby-killing priest-whipping evil from the far north' that you write of. I am always glad to assist the next generation.
Keep your chin up, Younger Lady Wu! Tell me how it goes!
Dear Liu Bei,
I am writing to warn you that recently a flock of carnivorous birds has descended upon my kingdom and bought about an unholy plague. It was simply horrible, as they swooped down on the land eating up every human in sight and making anyone even distantly related to the imperial line impotent. These birds were only appeased by an offering of all military work on the border stopping for a month and the sentries in every watchtower replaced by deaf mimes. I saw them swoop off in your direction.
I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Zhen Ji,
Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and the emperor does not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.
If you believe that Guo Nuwang is plotting to turn Cao Pi against you, I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict between you and your husband, not between you, your husband, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me. But yes, I will do my best to ensure that you are still invited to Cai Fan's birthday banquet.
Dear Guo Nuwang,
Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and Xiahou Dun does not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.
If you believe that Zhen Ji is plotting to take Cao Pi back, I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict between you and your husband, not between you, your husband, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me. And if Cai Fan wants her at his party, it is not my place to interfere.
Dear Cao Pi,
Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and I do not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.
If you believe that your two ladies are crazy, you are probably correct. But I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict that exists between you and your wives, not you, your wives, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me, note the last item on that list.
Dear Zhou Yu,
I am sorry, we do not have hamsters here, but even if we did, no, I don't want Xiao Qiao.
Dear Gan Ning,
Thank you for the invitation. I will keep that in mind. Please stop writing to me while drunk.
Dear Ling Tong,
Just so you know, your pirate just invited me to have as much "hot mind-blowing ten-way sex" with Lu Meng, Lu Xun, Taishi Ci, yourself, and himself as "my evil dirty little mind" can possibly take. Although I have no intention of taking him up on his offer, I thought that it might warn you so that you can beware of whoever the other four invitees are.
Dear Xiao Qiao.
Thank you very much for the very pretty picture you drew for me. It is very pretty and cute. I love the colors. The bunnies are very cute.
Dear Xiao Qiao,
I am sorry; I thought they were rabbits. No, they are very pretty anyways. You drew a very pretty picture of your family.
Dear Zhou Yu,
I have recently received the drawings from your wife Xiao Qiao. Is this some sort of petty revenge?
Dear Guan Yu,
Yes, that was my general Zhang He, a very unique and memorable individual, no? I am glad to know that you had the chance to meet him outside of battle. No, I did not order her to sexually assault you. He came out of his own free will to meet with you out of admiration and respect. Zhang He speaks nothing but honorable words for you. I would hope that you do the same for him, aside from your previous letter of course. You might as well indulge him to show your self-control, generosity, and nobility.
Dear Guan Yu,
No, I was not aware that complimenting him would make him think that. As I have previously stated, I did not give him any orders to harass you in that way. I would offer you my sincerest apologies, but I cannot help it if he took your compliment as a come-on. And I cannot help it if now everyone saw him kiss you and now your entire army thinks you're gay. Do not worry, I understand perfectly well that the kiss was Zhang He's doing and that you are not gay for him.
Dear Lu Meng,
Oh yes, I heard about Guan Yu. Yes, of course I was very surprised. Of course I will be supportive of his decision to come out. Absolutely, I am glad to hear that he finally got the courage to be himself. In fact, you should write lots of letters to Guan Yu telling him how excellent it is that he has come out.
Dear Zhang He,
I believe that Guan Yu is simply shy. You see, sometimes when men are afraid of being hurt, they tend to draw in on themselves. Such is the case with Guan Yu. No, I am positive the dress was stunning on you and that you looked absolutely gorgeous. No, he does not hate you! On the contrary, I think he likes you very much. But as I said, he is probably nervous, and it probably would take a lot more effort on your part to get him to open up.
Dear Zhang Liao,
You are very welcome. Anything for you, of course. I believe that you owe most of your thanks to Zhang He, though.
Dear Ma Chao,
Zhao Yun is only looking out for you by going after the heads of your so-called religion. And goodness no, I have absolutely no clue how he found out that you joined up with them! But for the last time, Su-An-Ta-Lo-Ji[1] is not a religion, or at least not in Wei. And no, I do not believe that I, much less you, am an eternal being who just lost touch of whatever you are talking about. Just to tell you, you are being scammed.
Where to find the answers to everything now? For one, thing, you can go back to Shu and tell Liu Bei that no, I did not kidnap you for profane sexual reasons, as he has been claiming.
Dear Zhou Yu,
Let me say it again: I do not want Xiao Qiao. I believe that she is your problem. Although finding her a warm, loving home with children and a white picket fence is an admirable goal, I believe that she is much better of far, far, far away from my sanity and me.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
I completely agree! They are crazy if they expect us to work like that all day and night. I do not suppose that it has occurred to other people that persons such as us might, oh, I don't know, keel over dead from stress and exhaustion?
It comes with the package, I suppose. To be trusted and seen the way we are requires a reputation, which in turn requires the expenditure of large amounts to effort to maintain. We always have to act nonplussed and cool about everything, as if our backs are not threatening to break, and say things like "Oh don't worry. Piece of cake. They won't stand a chance; leave it to me." And then we have to act like we can snap our fingers and everything does itself.
WELL nothing does itself!
And yes, I concur on what you said about delegating responsibility? The more we delegate it the more it comes back in larger amounts! I had an assistant once. Never worked. He came back to me on everything, and it was like just doing it myself but with the addition of having to explain it aloud to a moron.
Would you like to come over to tea sometime? That is, if we can organize our schedules and find a day where neither of us is lying dead from overwork. I am free two months from now.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
Four years from tomorrow sounds excellent. I look forward to seeing you.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
Actually six years would be better. Something just came up for that spot four years away, you see.
[1]Su-An-Ta-Lo-Ji: Say it as if it was one word. If you listen closely it sounds like Scientology.