Hey guys! Kathy and Lin are still on Winter Break but Adeline's not, so this one took longer!

We are SO glad that you guys are liking and reading this! Whooohooo! Thanks so much you guys!

Dear Sima Yi,

I am sorry; I have temporarily forgotten the location of my assassination poisons cabinet. And oh my, I have also temporarily forgotten to tell you I had new booby traps installed. And to top it all off, I have forgotten which one of my well-guarded security rooms I put the key in. Please excuse my forgetfulness.

Just a tip. The tar from the face-marking trap can be removed by talc powder.

Dear Guan Ping,

Thank you for your letter. I am happy to know that you look up to me as a mature adult who can give proper guidance in those matters. However, as for your questions on what Zhang He was describing to the General Guan Yu, I believe that it would be better to ask your father.

Dear Guan Ping,

If your father will not tell you what the nonmilitary kind of a Full Frontal Assault is, he is probably not telling you for a reason. Also, I believe that your father is a much better source of information on how to ask a superior officer for anal intercourse. And do not bring Xiahou Dun into this.

Dear Guan Ping,

Size only matters if you think it does. Please, just ask your father. I am not the right person to inform you about these things.

Dear Guan Ping,

Babies come from Taoist priests. When a mother and a father love each other very much, a Taoist priest rides a crane to their house and drops off a baby.

Is that good enough for you?

Dear Guan Ping,

If your father said that babies come from giant rice stalks, he is sadly misinformed. I assure you, they come from the sky.

Dear Guan Ping,

Nevermind, I do not know better than your father; your father is right, and therefore you should ask him about all this instead of me.

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, I am aware that Xiao Qiao can do tricks. Yes, I am aware that she would make amusing entertainment for house guests. But no, I do not think that my children would like her, and besides, whenever they ask for a pet, they are entertained for a week or so until the novelty wears off and I am invariably the one who ends up taking care of said pet, so no, I will not adopt her as a house pet. Thank you for the offer though.

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for your letter. Ling Tong must be very flexible then. I will keep that in mind.

Dear Ling Tong,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and that you are aware that General Gan has been sending me many drunken letters describing your private sex life, among other things that I believe you would not want me to know. As much as I appreciate knowing more about what unnatural positions you can assume than anyone should, I would like to kindly request that you stop him, for I do not think he even reads my replies.

Dear Ling Tong,

Yes, I do understand that General Gan is not under your jurisdiction. But please try to get him to stop describing how far you can spread your legs. Although I was very impressed, I believe that this is your private life, not mine.

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, I am a mature man, and yes, I know about such things, but although I appreciate the respect, but I have no idea why the various young people of all the kingdoms think that I am some sort of sex education teacher. This is absolutely not the case. I believe this is a subject best broached with your superior officers.

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. No, I did not tell Guan Ping anything. Yes, there is more than one kind of Full Frontal Assault. No, I am not telling you what the other kinds are. Please, take this subject up with the other men of Wu.

Dear Lu Xun,

No, it is not true that if you leave a block of bean curd out for too long it turns into a baby and you become a parent. No, you do not have to be careful where you leave your bean curd. No, eating an old piece of bean curd is not cannibalism. Please, ask an older officer of Wu about these matters.

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. It does not matter that she has had all her immunizations, insurance, paperwork, and comes with her own supplies. I do not want Xiao Qiao anywhere near me. Have you tried putting her on that new public posting, Wanglist?

Dear Sun Quan,

As for advice on ruling a kingdom, I would never have thought that you would ask me. Out of all the people in China, is an enemy ruler who would be so glad to see you fall and be taken over truly the best choice for mentorship? If you think so, you may hand over your kingdom at the earliest convenience.

But I will impart a few helpful words anyways.

First, get Lu Meng a therapist, a counselor, and a self-help book. He is several sticks short of a bundle and I have reason to believe he has been carrying on a masochistic sexual relationship with a minor. He is also convinced that every straight man he meets is a sad, depressed, and repressed gay man.

Second, take away Gan Ning's mail privileges.

Thirdly, get Ling Tong and Lu Xun some proper sex education. The former needs to know the meaning of "safe, non-risky sex" and the latter needs to know that babies do not come from aged tofu blocks.

Fourthly, get Zhou Yu a puppy training manual and directions to the nearest animal shelter.

Fifthly, write to your sister and send her a Sexual Minorities Appreciation pamphlet. I believe that she believes that you have forgotten about her and has no one to write to.

Sixthly, if you just bring in a group of psychiatrists your kingdom will be a functioning insane asylum.

Dear Zhou Yu,

I am sorry that Wanglist did not let you put your wife up for adoption. However, this does not mean that I will take Xiao Qiao, much less both the Qiao sisters.

Dear Zhang He,

As requested, I have sent you your party dress. A few of the silk flowers fell off when the servants retrieved it from storage, but I had the flowers and a few extra sewn back on, good as new.

Love is like war. In this case, you are fighting an offensive battle. Guan Yu has powerful defenses, but I believe they can be overcome with strong, persistent attacks. You know what to do, Zhang He. Light up the world with your beauty. Show Guan Yu what beauty is until he swoons from it!

Dear Guan Yu,

Oh my, I did not know that my general was that forward. I honestly have no idea why he is being so bold and forceful with you. Yes, I am well aware of Zhang He's affinity for strong men. No, I did not know that he would attempt to woo you so openly and persistently. No, I am sorry, but I have absolutely no clue of why he is doing so. I am sorry, I cannot recall him to the capitol or assign a replacement general.

No, I do not know why Lu Meng is sending you sex education pamphlets or pledging his support for your coming out. He must be misinformed. Why don't you explain and insist to him that you are straight?

Dear Lu Meng,

Ah, it is only natural that despite coming out, Guan Yu is not entirely comfortable with his sexuality and can swing back on forth on the pendulum of denial. I understand that he would be very confused. Yes, I too believe that he needs all the exuberant encouragement from us other kingdoms as he can get. While we are at it, wouldn't it be good to send him a homosexual sex instruction manual as well?

Dear Guan Yu,

Oh my, Lu Meng must be in denial about your straightness. But I believe that he had what he thought was your best interests in mind when he sent you that book. I am sure that he did not mean for you to take out every meal you ate in the last four days, to put you off of any consumption of sausage, or to insist that your men do not wrestle naked anymore. As for Zhang He taking that book out of your tent and waving it around in front of the whole army and offering hands-on instruction so that everyone thinks that you are a homosexual pervert, I am sorry to hear that and offer my sincerest support.

Dear Zhou Yu,

I am sorry, but the gerbils in the zoo are currently in quarantine due to an outbreak of Mad Gerbil Disease. And we would not want to expose Xiao Qiao to it, would we? Perhaps it is best if you stop trying to find a place for her in the zoo and just keep in the South, far away from me.

Dear Secret Admirer,

Thank you for your letter. If you have any questions about me, please direct them to the Department of Public Correspondence.

As much as I appreciate a terrifying sexually aroused fangirl stalker, I would appreciate you going away and not standing in my garden with a stripper pole and a large and vulgar sign even more. Enclosed are a restraining order against you and a stamped statement banning you from Luoyang.

Dear Cao Ren,

I am glad to hear from you, Cousin. But my decision to hold onto your spare cavalry holds. Do not worry; this is only a precaution.

As for that deranged nudist you saw in my garden, I believe that I have put a restraining order against her and should not be seeing her.

I hope that this letters finds you in good health and that we may meet again soon.

Dear Cao Ren,

Cousin, what do you mean you saw her dressed as one of my maids and lurking around my bathroom?

A precaution against you eating them, of course.

Dear Zhao Yun,

I am sorry; I have not heard from Ma Chao in a while. I will forward you any letter I receive from him as soon as I do. I am sorry, but my cavalry is currently preoccupied attacking your lord's borders while he is distracted by a plague of giant carnivorous birds.