Hi guys! Sorry, I know there were some great requests in the last chapter's reviews, but we promise we'll put them in next time! Still, feel free to make requests.

If you don't feel that a chapter is as funny as the others, please tell us and why! We want to keep up the standard.

Dear Ma Chao,

I am glad that you have found another organization with the answers to everything. I am also glad that it participates in peaceful community service and counseling for war victims. I am also glad that it is a free organization and not trying to scam you out of your money. It is good to know that your new organization fosters in-touch communication and connection amongst members.

However, isn't the Ladies' Secret Spring Orchid Society a secret society for women?

Dear Zhao Yun,

Enclosed here is Ma Chao's latest letter to me. I think he is trying to join a women's organization this time. I believe that you had better find Ma Chao, and fast.

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. My health is fine, and I trust that yours is as well.

As for your concerns, I believe that I am still not the best adult to address them. It is probably best for you to ask someone other than Guan Ping about mature topics such as the ones you mentioned.

However, I find it difficult to believe that you really are as naive in these matters as your questions make you out to be. If I am correct, you have been sustaining a certain sort of nocturnal relationship with your mentor Lu Meng for quite a while now. Since you have direct experience in these matters, I believe that you do not need to ask me anything.

But if you have any questions, feel free to ask any senior official of Wu.

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. I would like to politely request that you stop sending me mail asking that I take Xiao Qiao off of your hands. I do not know how to make it any clearer- I do not want either of the Qiao sisters. The Luoyang State Zoo has many strange and unbelievable creatures and treasures those unbelievable ones, but only when that unbelievableness is due to them being unbelievably exotic and rare, not unbelievably annoying. So I am sorry to say that Xiao Qiao does not qualify as an addition to the exotics section.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Zhou Yu,

Yes, Luoyang State Zoo has a petting zoo for younger folk. Why do you ask? If you are planning a vacation up north, may I direct you to the Bureau of Tourism and Novelty Trade?

Dear Zhou Yu,

Please forgive my wording. The petting zoo caters to small children. It does not contain small children. I am sorry; we cannot put Xiao Qiao in the petting zoo.

But this is getting old. How can I get it across your head that I do not want either of the Qiao sisters?

Dear Lu Meng,

No, there is nothing wrong with your brain. No, it is not a curse from your ancestors.

Your last letter details to me how you did not know how to respond when Lu Xun asked you about topics concerning sex education. You clearly state that you do not want to spoil his innocence or introduce him into the carnal adult world. However, I thought that having sex with him qualified as just exactly that. This confuses me.

Have you considered getting a therapist? I am sure that I am not the right person to ask.

Dear Lu Meng,

No, I did not mean to imply that there was something abnormal about you. However, engaging in anal intercourse with your seventeen-year-old student is a different story. You seem to need an outlet for your inner turmoil.

I am sorry to say that the most hopeful advice I can give is to stop sending me letters.

Dear Sun Quan,

Thank you for your letter. I am glad to hear that my advice has helped you, although I would have thought that any normal person would have known that if his field commander thinks that babies come from tofu and his generals think that safe sex is fisting on horseback with the safety strap on, intervention would be needed.

As for your other questions, I am afraid that I cannot advise you in those matters. And I am sorry that I cannot come down south to show you and Zhou Tai more ways to do it. I believe that the best course of action is to order an instruction manual. Enclosed are the addresses of a few publishers I frequent. I hope that helps and that you stop asking me about these matters.

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for your letter. However, contrary to popular opinion, I do not possess any dark magic. And contrary to your opinion, I highly doubt that dark magic would improve those nocturnal activities you speak of in any way. And I am most certainly not using black magic to keep the emperor under my control. And I do not believe that you can use dark magic to persuade Ling Tong to do those acts with you of which you speak.

I believe Lord Sun has been distributing pamphlets of a certain topic. You would do well to read one and stop mailing me for you are just as obnoxious when sober.

Dear Gan Ning,

Well, yes, you have mailed me before. You have sent me letter many times before. I suppose that you were so drunk you couldn't remember, but I assure you, you have sent me many letters.

Dear Gan Ning,

I will choose to keep my reputation as the nastiest fox in the north and let you know what you wrote at the most inopportune moments.

Dear Sun Quan,

I am glad to hear that the books are helping you and Zhou Tai. As for your questions, there are helpful captions underneath the woodcuts that have tips on how to achieve the acts detailed in the book. You do not need to ask me for help every time you two encounter a difficulty or describe the problem in excruciating detail. You really do not.

Dear Liu Bei,

I am glad to hear from you are your long period of silence. I extend to you my congratulations on ridding your kingdom of the carnivorous birds, finally. I also extend to you my thanks for several walled cities and a territory previously in your possession but are now in mine. Your observation is interesting. I would never have guessed that locking up Sun Shang Xiang in an empty room and not letting her out of your administrators' sight for her safety would have caused the birds to suddenly disappear. That is most intriguing and I have absolutely no idea what it could mean.

As for your questions, I do not believe that I am the best choice to ask for advice on those topics. I am sorry that you feel ignorant of the art of sex, but I am not a counselor, no matter what everyone seems to be thinking.

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Hello again. I am sorry to hear about that. I would offer advice, but I have never had a wife lock me out of my house for staying out too late before. That is nasty. I would suggest that you sneak in through your back yard or install a trapdoor?

I can sympathize! We work so hard all day and all night, but the moment we go out for a night off for fun everyone stays yelling about how disgraceful it is. I simply don't understand how they don't understand. For me, I fool around for one moment and suddenly the word is that I am a deranged pervert trying to force myself on a virtuous woman. For the record, all I said was "Oh, is your husband around?" And that was because she looked like she was having trouble with her bags.

And lately, it seems that everyone in the Three Kingdoms has suddenly got the impression that I am some sort of sex counselor. You will not believe the letters I have been getting. It is ridiculous. Simply unbelievable.

Dear Secret Admirer,

Thank you for your letter. I am sorry that I am too busy to indulge your fantasies. And I plan on being too busy for the next ten thousand years. Allow me to remind you that there is a restraining order on you, and I only am replying to tell you that your fanclub does not have my approval.

Dear Ma Chao,

No, you getting rejected from the Ladies' Secret Spring Orchid Society is not your fault. It is not you at all. I am sure that you are a good person. But I believe that a women's exclusive society is for women. It is not you; it is your gender. It is something you were born with, and something that you cannot help. Do not take it so hard. I am sure that there are many other groups out there. But first, you should go home to Shu. Zhao Yun has been very worried, and you wouldn't want to make him upset, would you?

Dear Zhao Yun,

I have received another letter from Ma Chao. He is very upset and claims that his life has absolutely no meaning and that he was rejected from his Perfect Group. I am sorry that I cannot lend you my cavalry. I would advise you finding him faster.