Still trying to think of a Zhou Tai katana joke.

Requests make very good letter starters and help the flow of ideas. They are very good to have.

To the Bureau of Public Records:

As suggested, I am forwarding previous old letters I have found of political interactions. However, I do not think that they are as educational or philosophical as public opinion thinks…

Archived Letter Dear Lu Bu,

WRITE. NEATER.

Archived Letter Dear Lu Bu,

I am sorry, but although I forwarded your plea for amnesty, it was turned down, and I do not have the power to overturn this. I am but a minor warlord. I will write you a letter of recommendation to Yuan Shao though. We were friends, with the emphasis on the past tense, so I am not sure how much my word will count for.

Archived Letter Dear Yuan Shao,

Lu Bu's coming to ask for your help. I suggest that you invite him in and chop off his head. He is a threat to all of us.

Archived Letter Dear Lu Bu,

I said Yuan Shao, not Yuan Shu! Wrong Yuan! My Gods, are you a moron or something?

Archived Letter Dear Zhang Jiao,

Thank you for the pamphlets. All six hundred of them. As much as I appreciate it, I still think you're a lunatic fraud. Your forces are planning a march on me right now, and you're still trying to convert me?

Archived Letter GUO JIA!

Fengxiao! Like how are you? I haven't seen you in sooooo long! Hehe, my handwriting is really messy when I'm drunk, isn't it?

Okay so today I ate lunch, then went and worked and then worked some more and then went back to work and then I did more work, and then before you know it it's three in the morning! And I was soooo tired and half-asleep that I thought, why not get drunk? So I did! Now I'm writing to you!

You're the best Fengxiao ever! I love you!

To the Bureau of Public Records:

It has come to my attention that I had inadvertently sent a personal letter of mine that is not meant for public records. It has great sentimental value to me so please do not read it and send it back right now. Thank you.

Dear Cai Wenji,

Absolutely no problem, Zhaoji. Your father would have wanted it.

I do admire your poetry very much. It exemplifies the style that is supposed to "sing in the viewer's mind for three days." After reading about your plight I was very touched.

As for remarriage, I will try to arrange the best match for you. Expect a matchmaker soon.

May I ask, what of your children?

Dear Cai Wenji,

You left them behind? With the barbarians? Far away in uncivilized lands? Well, I am not sure what to say.

Dear Zhen Ji,

What my son does in his private life is his business. Yes, I can meddle in what he eats, what horse he rides, what house he lives in, what poems he writes, and everything else, because that is my job and I willingly do it.

But what you are asking of me, to step in on your behalf against Guo Nuwang, is simply beyond the level of risk that I want to take.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a scholar chanced upon two cats fighting over a food bowl. When he stepped between the two to aid one, both cats promptly turned on him and ripped him to pieces and it was only by pure chance that someone found what was left of his body the next day and it was apparently a horrible and painful death.

The moral of the story is that no man should step in a catfight.

As for your inquest on my son Cao Zhi's health, he is fine. Why?

Dear Zhang Fei,

Oh, did you just find out? My, you are behind the times for the man who purports to be Guan Yu's sworn brother. I thought that you would have seen the signs long before any of us did. Perhaps you should be paying more attention to those close to you.

Dear Guan Yu,

I am glad to hear from you again. I see that you have seen the letter I sent to Zhang Fei- I was referring to the fact that you are so distressed about everyone thinking that you are gay now, of course, not that you are actually gay.

I am sorry; Zhang He is an extremely talented general and he cannot be recalled from the border front right next to you right now. I suggest that you take advantage of your proximity to his camp and his clear good thoughts for you to visit him for a meal if he invites you, which I am sure he will, because it would help to prove that you are not afraid of the rumors.

Dear Zhang He,

Oh my, Guan Yu seems stressed of late. Would it not be good to invite him over for perhaps a meal and to help him relax a little bit? He is clearly smitten with you- if he accepts the invitation right away, it must be a sure sign.

Dear Zhang Fei,

Well, if you insist on showing my letters to your brother, I am afraid that I cannot talk freely… There are things that they would not want me to tell you. Good day.

Dear Zhang Fei,

Oh no, I would never tell you! It is not for your ears or eyes, and they definitely would not want you to know. I believe it is best to keep denying anything. And it is certainly not my place to tell you anything. Good day.

Dear Liu Bei,

Oh my, Zhang Fei has been acting strange and crazy and paranoid lately? I cannot think of any explanation… You know, because he is your brother and all, not mine. In all honesty, if you, the one closest to him, do not know, what is the chance that I will?

Just keep telling him there's nothing going on, there's nothing there, you know, just keep on reassuring him that there is nothing hidden from him.

Dear Zhang Fei,

It sounds like a conspiracy! Be on your guard- you never know who knows what you-know-who knows or about you-know-what in you-know-where. You-know-who has probably told everyone else already, really, so you do not need to worry about you-know-what.

Oh nevermind, you don't know what. Excuse me. Believe me, they are denying it and telling you otherwise for your own good. Do I need to repeat? For your own good, Zhang Fei. Do not worry about it. And good day.

Dear Liu Bei,

Well, he is probably mad then. Perhaps you should take him off duty for a while, until he recovers, so that he does not do anything.

Dear Zhang Fei,

It's for your own good. Believe me. Everyone knows except for you.

Archived Letter Dear Lady,

You claim your name is Diao Chan, but there is no one known to be born to that name, nor to have taken that name. Because honestly, who wants to be called Brown Bug?

I must ask, who the hell are you?