Dear Zhao Yun,
A secret superhero, you say?
Yes, I have heard about this Splendid Mask fellow. Yes, I have heard of his exploits, and yes they seem awfully heroic, saving children from incoming wagons, rescuing puppies from drowning and the such… And helping old ladies cross the road (heavens only know WHY they would need help crossing though) and protecting young lovers from bandits and everything I read in the Good Man picture novels as a child…
Of course I am dying to know who he is…
But do you know what I am truly curious about?
How can you not recognize your own best friend behind a tiny black mask?
Dear Zhao Yun,
No, I am not implying that you wouldn't know Ma Chao if he saved you from Emergency Missing Toilet Paper in the middle of the night. I am merely wondering how good of a disguise a bandana over one's eyes is.
Dear Zhao Yun,
You see, just because a tiny mask is good enough to fool you doesn't mean it will get past a person with decent eyesight, you see.
Dear Zhao Yun,
No, I am not implying anything.
Dear Zhao Yun,
Oh, never you mind, please do not mind me.
Dear Sun Quan,
I am writing to inform you that Ma Chao is gallivanting around your territory and to remind you of the bounty I am offering to turn him in.
Dear Sun Quan,
What do you mean he is not? I am speaking of the young man running around with a piece of black cloth tied over his face that looks like Ma Chao, acts like Ma Chao, looks like Ma Chao, and has every similarity in the world to Ma Chao except for that he says he is NOT Ma Chao!
Dear Liu Bei,
I am writing to inform you that your missing general Ma Chao, who by all means should be leading the cavalry charge against Lu Xun and Lu Meng, is prancing around arresting petty thieves and repairing old ladies' leaky roofs.
While this is indeed a noble calling I believe that you might prefer that he be back with his responsibilities in your army.
Dear Liu Bei,
Yes, I have received letters from Sun Quan as well… Yes, I have been reading the news about the masked stranger…
But no, I am not implying that Ma Chao has gone off to join the Splendid Mask. I am not suggesting that he has left his troops and you to hang around with the Splendid Mask. What I am saying, however, is that Ma Chao is the Splendid Mask and that if you and Sun Quan cannot see the resemblance I am taking my army and running over your kingdoms to take advantage of the fact that both of you have gone temporarily blind as bats!
Dear Liu Bei,
I had Juicing Juice With Fun Information Bits brand child snacks as a child as well. Yes I know bats are not blind.
You and your colleague Sun Quan, however…
Dear Printing Office,
Enclosed are the posters I want printed and pasted around. Please make the text for "The Splendid Mask is Ma Chao" as big as possible. However, do not worry if you cannot fit the part that says "if you cannot see this then you are as blind as a metaphorical bat and two certain rulers who might not be metaphors" on the bottom.
Dear Printing Office,
In response to your concerns that this is my idea of a slandering campaign, I can reassure you that this is most definitely not the case. It is simply the truth.
Dear Printing Office,
In response to your comments that I am so crafty that I would lie to my own printing office to reinforce a rumor, I assure you that it is not so. I am not tricking anyone or lying to anyone when I insist that the Splendid Mask is indeed Ma Chao in disguise. I am simply trying to get as many citizens as possible to realize that a scrap of black cloth should not even qualify as a wise disguise.
Dear Guan Yu,
Hello dear General. I am glad to hear that Zhang He has stopped propositioning you in favor of loud shout-outs to our new hero. I suggest you enjoy it while it lasts, for when he discovers that it is Ma Chao he will surely jump back on you.
Dear Guan Yu,
I am sorry; I do not understand your question. What do you mean what do I mean when I say that the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao? Surely you in all your honor and virtue can see through a tiny piece of black cloth.
Dear Zhang He,
Yes, I have heard of your newfound admiration for a strange hero called the Splendid Mask. He mistook you for someone's concubine and safely escorted you to the local magistrate to protect your chastity? Most… Heroic, I suppose.
I can certainly hope that you milked your time with him to the fullest to press your affections onto him.
By the way, the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao on a soul-searching journey to make the world a better place. It is Ma Chao, I assure you.
Dear Zhang He,
My most elegant general, of course I know that you can spot Ma Chao's complexion from a mile away. But would you not say that the Splendid Mask has the exact same skin, so therefore is Ma Chao?
Dear Zhang He,
I take your words about my complexion and my personal taste to heart. But please continue with your border campaigning. Thank you.
Dear Cao Ren,
Hello again cousin. I am glad to hear from you.
It is heartening that you have found an ally who helps you fight against bandits. However, your report that this same ally turns against you the moment you suggest an overly harsh punishment is most vexing.
I believe that your style of strict sternness is best in this case.
Besides, the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao and it would be a boon if you broke his leg.
By the way, by any chance, do I really have too many blackheads on my nose?
Dear Cao Ren,
Cousin, I assure you, it is Ma Chao! You are a most steady and clear-sighted general. How can you not see that it is Ma Chao?
Dear Cao Ren,
Of course I know he's the Splendid Mask. But I also know that it is Ma Chao.
Dear Sima Yi,
That is an interesting proposition. So to rephrase you, if theoretically perhaps an officer just any random officer who was cleverer, wiser, more ambitious, and more stylish than an overdue ruler who would never see it coming were to maybe suddenly rise up and strike down that ruler in order to take his well-deserved and completely fitting place as the new emperor of the world just purely asking because it was just something you saw in a show of course, would the Splendid mask side with the commendable officer or the ruler?
Well, I suppose I would not know what the Splendid Mask would think, especially if theoretically possibly he holds a heavy grudge against one and a large hatred for the other, so I would not think that he would get involved in a coup d'état unless there were innocents and puppies involved.
But of course, I would insist it would not matter, especially if the ruler is well-established, has a solid base of support and power, and can predict a subversive subject from a mile away, especially if his army was secure and larger than anything the inferior could come up with, or if the inferior's troops all came from the ruler's army.
But all of this is purely hypothetical of course. It is an interesting mind game, no? It is a good thing that a ruler definitely does not need to worry about such insurrection, not if his subjects know what is best for them.
By the way, your cape does not match your pants and the tassels just do not work with your face shape.
Dear Xiahou Dun,
Dun-Dun, it's so nice to hear from you from the border. I am sorry to hear that you repeatedly are beaten back from invading. But it is good to hear that you are experimenting with new strains of rice. Keep busy, you know, and the extra crops are always good to have.
You are so sweet, cousin! I could just hug you but you are hundreds of li away. It's very nice of you to offer to go kill the Splendid Mask for me! But it's okay.
Say, Dun-Dun, do you notice the resemblance between him and Ma Chao by any chance? Just asking.
Dear Dun-Dun,
Oh, I see. Well, it's fine, no, no reason at all, and no, I haven't seen Ma Chao either, but do you realize how, you know, how similar Ma Chao is to the Splendid Mask?
-They both have the same voice
-They both have the exact same hair, even though one has his tied back.
-They both have the same tagline
-They both look exactly the same except for one has a bandana with holes in it tied over his face
-They both talk the same
-They both mispronounce my style name in the same way
-The Splendid Mask does Ma Chao's signature flip, something that only he would do, and if Ma Chao saw someone other than himself doing it we would all hear of it.
Dear Dun-Dun,
Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind.
Let us just talk about rice. How is it going?
Dear Dun,
I said, do not make me repeat, let us talk about your Heaven-damned rice!
Dear Zhuge Liang,
I am glad to hear from you as well. I am sorry to hear that your wife is still not letting you back in your house and you have to live at your old schoolmate's place. I am sorry to hear that your old schoolmate makes Xiahou Yuan look like the pinnacle of high society. But look on the bright side, at least you have a roof over your head.
Ah, what is going on with me lately?
I refuse to say what is going on about me because I refuse to hear what you will have to say to what I have to say. I am much better off not hearing.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
Well… Part of a broken, leaky roof is still a roof, is it not?
What do you mean you do not understand my last letter? I simply do not want to hear it.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
What do you mean what do I not want to hear! If I say it then you will say exactly that!
Dear Zhuge Liang,
What do you mean I am acting most erratic and unusual? I am not erratic or unusual! I am most certainly not! I just don't want to hear what you will, without fail, say, when I say a certain thing, which I will not say, because if I do you will say it!
Dear Zhuge Liang,
I will not say, and do not call me illogical- it is logic that if I say it, and it is what it is, then you will respond to it by saying exactly what I cannot bear to hear, not from you too, so I cannot tell you what it is!
But what I can say is that I hold a strong belief that a certain upholding of justice might start wandering where he is not wanted…