Dear Zhuge Liang,
I see. Yes, it is understandable that after, I quote you, 'living in a filthy pigsty' that your old friend 'can't even get off his ass to clean or take out the trash once in a while' with a man who 'wears the same damn underwear everyday' and consistently leaves the toilet seat up, you might feel a bit frustrated… I am sorry to hear about your fight with your old schoolmate, although I admit that perhaps throwing away his wine lid collection might have been a bit harsh. Every man needs his hobbies.
I agree, him accusing you of turning into your wife is harsh as well. But Zhuge Liang, although I do not know Yue Ying, I have to admit that your angry words to him did seem a bit, well, on the feminine side? I mean that you sound just like my wife.
Dear Zhuge Liang.
No, I never said any of the things you wrote on six pages of paper. I assure you I do not take you for granted, nor am I thinking of abandoning you for, ahem, whatever a 'newer model' is.
Never think that no one appreciates you. Trust me, I know from experience. When everyone is just shoveling work onto you and asking you to handle the problems of the world and when you mess up once all of a sudden you're the worst thing to come out of a donkey's rear, it only seems like no one knows what you've done and it's not true that no one appreciates you. Well, actually, it probably is true. But that's not the point.
I am positive that when a man works hard and well enough, eventually everyone will realize what a hard worker and genius he has been and maybe cut him just a little bit of slack. …Then again, that's what I've been telling myself for the last twenty years.
So yes, Zhuge Liang, no one appreciates you. But look on the bright side, no one appreciates me either. I suppose this makes us true men.
Now stop complaining about your hips. Trust me, they're fine and you don't look fat.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
It took me about four hours to decode your letter and two minutes to read it, just so you know.
Well, I am glad that you have temporarily acquired new lodgings and have recovered what little masculinity remains to you. As for your request for suggestions on how to erase your tracks, yes, I do know a thing or two about fleeing for your life from wrathful demon incarnates that want to rend you from limb to limb. But don't you think that that's a bit, you know, uncalled for? She's only your wife.
I am merely suggesting that your sudden bout of paranoia about Yue Ying chasing you down might be a bit, you know, unreasonable. How bad can she be? You are, after all, the Sleeping Dragon, Liu Bei's foremost adviser and the sage of Shu. It can't be something you can't deal with.
I see your situation. Well, many men find that when they are cut off from their family and most of their friends are, ah, as you put it 'moronic nutjobs,' they do start to question the will of heaven. But never fear, I'm sure your wife will return to her senses soon and let you back in your house.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
Well, of course I do not know your wife. What of her?
Dear Yue Ying,
Greeting Lady Dragon. I am very pleased to meet your acquaintance. Thank you for enquiring after my health and my children's health.
As for your husband Kongming, I don't know anything about him. Go ask someone else because I definitely do not know.
Dear Yue Ying,
Me? Yes I am of good health currently… What exactly do you mean by asking me if I want to stay that way?
Dear Zhuge Liang,
I will probably regret asking this, but what exactly is a 'Cosmic Skull Smash?'
Dear Yue Ying,
Lady Dragon, I am truly sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. I am truly sympathetic. How horrible it must be to have such a no-good lazy louse around, although in his defense when a man has so many things on his mind it is no one's fault that the issues concerning toilet seats might slip his mind. Still, he seems like an utterly horrible person and an absolute wretch. I wholeheartedly agree with your analysis of him and why he is the sorriest excuse for a human being ever to set foot under this heaven. What an awful man Zhuge Liang is!
Of course I know nothing of your husband. What makes you think that we are even in contact, much less exchanging tips on how to escape your inhuman wrath?
Dear Zhuge Liang:
I see now. And your wife just wrote me some rather politely worded letters. You already know she's mad enough to slaughter innocents, so I suppose I don't have to tell you that.
I have denied everything. Burn this letter at once, board your door, shave off your beard, and dye your hair.
Kongming. I swear by the heavens she catches us if I get dragged down with you, my remaining heirs will sue yours for all I'm worth. Think about this before incriminating both of us to Yue Ying.
Quickly written. I hope it's decent. Anyways, this doesn't have all that much to do with the current plots running around, but after someone suggested that letters be written from Yue Ying as well, I lit up a lightbulb, dropped everything I was doing, and this is the result.