Dear Pang De,
My dear friend and steadfast general. What a surprise to hear from you again! I was sorely surprised to see you vanish off right after you arrived. I was worried that I was to lose a fine man like you so soon. I mean, I didn't think that you would desert me so soon after you had deserted Ma Teng. But as long as you have returned for good and do not plan on taking any more little prolonged, unannounced vacations to the enemy territories and distributing a rather large stack of résumés there, I do not think that we will have any issues in not terminating you- I mean, your employment here in Wei, of course.
But my wonderfully loyal and filial general- you are right on time to resume service. I need your aid for something. Do you recall Ma Teng's son Ma Chao?
Dear Pang De,
I am glad that you remember Ma Chao so vividly. And I certainly did not know that about him. Thank you very much for sharing details of his rather delayed potty training. I will keep that in mind in the very unlikely case that it is ever relevant to anything that I ever do in life.
Well, if he gives you any trouble for deserting Ma Teng, just remind him that Ma Teng himself deserted Wang Guo, right after deserting Geng Bi without even writing a resignation. If that is not being inconsiderate I do not know what is. I wonder if he even knows how much paperwork he created for his ex-employer.
Either way, have you heard of the Black Mask who is going around sneaking into little boys' rooms at night?
Dear Guan Suo,
Well, I am extremely flattered that you heard about me through your brother Guan Ping and Lu Xun. However, I feel that I need to correct you three things.
First, Lu Xun is an orphan, so his father is dead and is certainly not looking for a suitable young husband for "such a pretty daughter."
Secondly, I am not the editor of Junior Misters; I am not an advice column. I have absolutely no idea where you got the idea that I am 'a fatherly figure' who can 'guide and mentor growing men into healthy, well-adjusted manly individuals.' I am nothing of that sort. I am a cruel and conniving warlord- if I can't even raise my own sons to not have some severe psychological defect in one way or another, what is the chance that I can help you? Not a very large chance at all!
Besides, you have your own father. You are not even adopted like your brother was, so you really have no excuse for not going to go bother him instead.
And thirdly, Lu Xun is not a girl.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
The return of Pang De has given me quite an inspiration.
I have thought of a way to end this disgusting insanity. We will get Ma Chao back to Shu and away from the rest of us, and we will get you into your house safely and make your wife not want to kill you anymore.
So yes, in response to your previous letter, I do have a plan. However, that plan has a flaw. The flaw is this: I cannot think of anyone who meets the criteria for it.
The person I use must be so idiotic and moronic that he cannot think himself out of a paper bag. He needs to be stupid beyond common foolishness. His IQ must not exceed that of a small mushroom.
Also, our fellow must be physically resilient enough to be tied naked in the middle of sub-zero weather while flaming arrows are shooting at him. (This is also why he needs to be stupid- can't have him wondering, after all.)
I was considering Liu Shan, but even his feeble mind would not be foolish enough to act naturally in the plan. Plus, I don't think he'd last.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
It is not the physical part that is the problem. I can think of many men men strong enough, just off the top of my head- like the General Gan. If he can not only survive but enjoy his rather interesting sex life with General Ling, he can take anything we throw at him.
The problem is that I simply cannot think of anyone stupid enough to do this.
Dear Zhuge Liang:
How did I not think of that? My goodness, you are the Sleeping Dragon for a reason. Yes, he is perfect! I will write to him directly!
Dear Zhao Yun,
Hello, Little Dragon. I am glad to hear from you again.
I have been thinking of you often. I was simply remembering how blown away I was by not only your physical might and grand strength, but also your keen intellect and the sharpness of your mind, with your ability to see through every situation that one might pull on you! And of course, what thought of you is complete without a full examination of your peerless and uncompromising virtue?
As I was thinking of a certain action to take, I knew that I needed a man so unrivaled in certain abilities that none can overtake him in his greatest strengths. Naturally, as anyone would, I thought of you. What mission you can undertake, no one else is qualified for.
I have a proposition to you. And before you rip up this letter and come running to my door claiming that I am trying to recruit you, it is a proposition for an alliance for the good of Shu.
Would you like Ma Chao and Zhuge Liang to return to you? You are the only one who can do it.
Dear Zhao Yun,
Excellent. I knew that you are an honorable and righteous person who will take the opportunity to save two of his dearest friends.
So you agree- you will do whatever I tell you to, without question or protest? No matter how strange? Without question?
Dear Zhao Yun,
Yes, save. For at least Zhuge Liang is facing the most dangerous enemy of his life… That is all I can tell you until we bring them back safely to Shu. If you trust Zhuge Liang you will inquire no more about it until then.
Dear Zhao Yun,
Then we are agreed. I look forward to working with your prodigious talents.
You are the only one who can save them.
Meet me in the Pirate's Balls pub in Wu. And bring your most comfortable undergarments.
Dear Zhao Yun,
Oh no, remember? No questions, or else you cannot save your friends!
Dear Zhao Yun,
I am glad you understand so easily. I will see you then.
Dear Zhuge Liang,
I am writing to congratulate you on surviving your years of service with Zhao Yun.
You were right. He's overqualified for this job.
Dear Guan Suo,
Well, yes, Guan Ping was adopted before Guan Yu had you. I thought it was common knowledge, but apparently it wasn't common enough to have reached your ears? No, you are not actually blood relatives.
Guan Suo:
No. However theoretical or hypothetical that situation is, it is still incest. Don't do it.
Perhaps you should consider branching out in your search for help to someone other than your country's sworn nemesis.
Dear Guan Suo,
You have the wrong impression. I am not trying to cut you away from any possible romantic relationship in your future. I am merely suggesting that perhaps you should look outside your family for it.
Either way, I am positive that an adult closer to you would be a much better source of guidance.
Dear Guan Suo,
No. Lu Xun is still a boy. But this does not change the fact that you need to stop writing to me for advice.
Dear Ling Tong,
I am very sorry to hear that you still have not found Gan Ning. However, I do not know where either of you got the idea that I have dark magical abilities.
Even if I did have the powers of evil beyond this world, I would be using them to conquer the land under my iron fist, not to help you look for you idiotic boyfriend.
Dear Guan Suo,
I think you have the wrong impression of me in mind.
I am the grand ruthless Prime Minister. I order massacres of entire provinces and grind the bones of my enemies under my feet, while stealing their wives and daughters as my concubines. I backstab people, lie, cheat, bribe, and murder those who get in my way. Every vile accusation your father's oath brother makes about me is true, and if it is not, I will make it true.
In other words, I am not a relationship counselor.
Dear Liu Shan,
HELLO AH-DOU.
I see that you have grown much too smart for your coloring books! You are such a clever boy. Your father must be very proud of you.
You are not an idiot. You are just very special and unique- there is no other like you in the world! There are many very smart people but there is only one Liu Shan. You are a special snowflake. You are so special that you get to play a game with me. It's called I-Spy. If you can spy with your little eye a scroll in Zhuge Liang's room that says "Battle Plans" on it, then you win a prize!
But you have to send me the scroll first to prove that you really did find it.
THAT IS FUN!
-UNCLE CAO
Dear Guan Suo,
No.
Stop writing to me.
Dear Guan Suo,
Stop writing to me.
Dear Xiahou Ba,
Hello. It is good to hear from you again, son of my dear cousin. We have missed you dearly here in Wei and were not expecting a letter from one of our fine filial sons. I had thought that since you betrayed your family and kingdom and defected to our most hated enemy, you would have stopped writing to us and cut off contact like a decent person with even the smallest iota of virtue should. So as you can see, I am very pleasantly surprised that you have chosen to maintain contact with us.
I hope that you are doing well in Shu. From my spies' reports, they are treating you quite well. This relieves my old heart greatly to hear that you are in good condition and that they are taking care of you, for when you first defected I was afraid for your wellbeing, as I was unsure of how well Shu would take to adopting ungrateful blood-traitor unfilial horse-stealing young teenage boys. But clearly they have no prejudices against the scummiest of sons! How nice.
As for your request for your birth certificate and forms, I am very sorry that I cannot find them anywhere. I believe that they might have been burned along with your effigy and remaining possessions. My sincerest apologies, young one. However, it is probably to a good end now, considering your request for a name change. I am quite curious… Why do you want to add 'bei' to the front of your given name? If you ask me, Xiahou Beiba[1] sounds a tad bit… Odd.
Dear Guan Suo,
I do not care. Stop writing to me.
Dear Guan Suo,
How about this- if I ever find an imbecile who is even half as persistant in being as infuriatingly irritating as you, I will definitely send him or her your way.
Now stop writing to me or I am going to invade Changsha.
Dear Lu Xun, Guan Ping, and Guan Suo,
No.
[1] Say it aloud. If you do not get it then, ask someone else to say it aloud and listen.